LisaUk Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hi all, can anyone help me make any sense of my recent break up? I was with my ex 18 years (since 15 years old), lived together 10 years, engaged for 8 years. This feb we finally set the date (looking back he always had a believable excuse for not doing so before) to get married in church this December, but two weeks later when it came to put the deposit down on the venue, he said he couldn't move forward as he had decided he wanted kids ( we had discussed this a lot before, he knew I had a problem with fear of pregnancy and birth and so did not want a family). Anyway long story short, he said no mmatter what,even if he wouldn't get his feelings over having kids under control he definately wanted us to marry and there was no question of his leaving me. He went to see a therapist, my suggestion, I offered to go to but he wouldn't let me. For the next five weeks he continued to reassure me, saying he loved me, would be devastated without me, I was his soulmate, there was no way he was even thinking of breaking up with me. I asked him lots of times if there was anything else bothering him. He told me no. Four weeks in he came home from work and finsihed with me, he then changed his mind after I said I would reconsider the kids issue. The next week was hell, but he said def we would be together. Then on the sat morning he came upstairs, I had just woken up and was still in bed and dumped me, saying he had lied. He packed a bag and left. I called him later that day, said I would have a family with him, I could get past my issues. It was from this point on things changed, he started to get very nasty with me, his explanations keep changing and are contradictoray as well. He said he had been unhappy for years, hadn't loved me for years, that he had ALWAYS felt we were incompatable. I offered to try and work through the problems with him, I mean, I wasn;t even aware there had been any, he said he had kept them hidden and lied to me because I had strong views on things and he wanted to avoid an argument or hurting me, that I had controlled him! It's not rational or normal to walk away from 18 years without explanation or trying to work things out first is it? Does it really take all that time to decide if you are compatable with someone? I've done some reading about commitment phobia and apparently some actually marry then feel trapped. Does anyone think this is what has happened, marriage was his CP trigger point. His parents argued really badly and stayed together because they don't believe in divorce, his view as well. Some of the things he has said fit, "I couldn't be in a relationship that wasn't 100% perfect", "I want to be single" "I just became more independant" "I was sick of you being depndant on me" "If I have a relationship again, I want to remain independant with a women who is independant and come together when we ffel like it" " I feel free" "I feel liberation since our split" Any thoughts? It's left me devastated and I just can't make sense of it all.
BCCA Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Well, my intial thoughts were that he was lying to pacify you enough so you wouldnt ask him so many questions, but his actions never really followed his words. He would say everything was fine, then it wasnt, then he didnt want to lose you, than he never loved you...contradictory, as you said. To be honest, you were comfortable, and thats why he stayed. I dont really buy too much into commitment phobia, I think its a byproduct of someones interest level. If he thought you were the most wonderful woman in the world, he would have no problem locking you up for good. What is more likely is that he felt like you were a cool girl, and he knew you really well, but he probably knew for a long time that he wasnt ever going to marry you. "I couldn't be in a relationship that wasn't 100% perfect", "I want to be single" "I just became more independant" "I was sick of you being depndant on me" "If I have a relationship again, I want to remain independant with a women who is independant and come together when we ffel like it" " I feel free" "I feel liberation since our split" These statements are all what I call roadblocks, they are things that prevent you from getting where you want to go, but at the same time, there is nothing you can do about any of them. He isnt interested in you changing for the better by telling you this, hes just making it seem like he has no choice but to leave you. Its projecting, to an extent. My ex did similar things. When we met, she told me she didnt care if I was a janitor, she would always love me. (Im far from a janitor, I made over 6 figures the last 3 years in a row, I just dont have a masters degree). Then, when she was dumping me 5 years later, she couldnt be with someone who didnt take school as serious as she did lol See what I mean? There was nothing I could, just the act of being myself, the person she loved to death for 5 years, I wasnt right for her. Im sorry, but I think you should just assume he means what he says about not wanting to be with you, and you should accept it and move on. It sucks, I know, I really do. You spend so much time loving someone, only to realize that you dont mean much to them in the end.
Author LisaUk Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks for you reply. I guess you could have a point, perhaps he did just use me for 18 years, however, he is not a nasty person, he really has been and is behaving oddly. I've only put some details here as I didn't want to go on and on. He said since the split that he always thought we would marry and he intended to marry me. Why would he go to the time and effort to have the vicar round to our house, then attending a service and being shown round the church and look at four different wedding venues discussing the pros and cons of each one if he never had any intention of marrying me? He told his parents we had set the date as well.
Cloudberry Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 That must be very difficult to break up with someone you have been together with for 18 years, and that you have been with since you were a kid. It's reasonable for him to wonder what he may have been missing by not playing the field a little bit. Maybe you can eventually see it that way as well. You may just enjoy dating, & new romances, for a change.
BCCA Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks for you reply. I guess you could have a point, perhaps he did just use me for 18 years, however, he is not a nasty person, he really has been and is behaving oddly. I've only put some details here as I didn't want to go on and on. He said since the split that he always thought we would marry and he intended to marry me. Why would he go to the time and effort to have the vicar round to our house, then attending a service and being shown round the church and look at four different wedding venues discussing the pros and cons of each one if he never had any intention of marrying me? He told his parents we had set the date as well. Make sense?
Mike B. Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I am sorry this happened to you. Eighteen years is a long time and you guys practically grew up together. Considering this, I do not believed he used you. The guy has been with you for 18 years since and since he was 15. That is too much of an elaborate plan and length of time to be using someone starting in childhood. I think he just basically got cold feet. You are probably the only woman he really knows intimately and he is probably getting really fearful at this point. He is probably also affected by what he witnessed between his own parents and is scared because of this as well. That commitment probably does scare him, especially if you two had your share of problems. I would not throw 18 years away so quickly but this is also not the time smother he him. I would reassure him how much you love him and really want to spend the rest of your life with him then I would back off and give him some room to think things through. Really, really back off or you will only push him further away if he is really confused which I believe he is. I doubt if he can walk away so easily. The key is backing off and not trying to stay up in his face. Don't worry. He will be back one his head clears. I would bet my life on it! But if you don't give him time to resolve the issues floating around in his head, you will only exacerbate the situation.
Author LisaUk Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Hi, thanks fo rthe replies. Mike, the problem is it's already been 3 months since the split, I'm back home with my parents, he bought me out of our house. Trouble is I have already done everything I shouldn't have, texting, calling, mailing upset, desperate and angry. The last mail I sent was a week ago, it was a very angry letter in which I told him i had no desire to be with him assuming everything he has said is true and he doesn't have commitment issues. I told him I would not contact him again. I don't think at this point it would be a good idea to send another mail saying what you suggested, I guess he knows this anyway and knows I must be angry as well? I so hope you are right and he comes back, I miss him so much, but sending a mail now? probably best to leave it? BCCA do you mean that his parents were pressuring him or that he backed out because of his unbringing? thanks.
Mike B. Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Hi, thanks fo rthe replies. Mike, the problem is it's already been 3 months since the split, I'm back home with my parents, he bought me out of our house. Trouble is I have already done everything I shouldn't have, texting, calling, mailing upset, desperate and angry. The last mail I sent was a week ago, it was a very angry letter in which I told him i had no desire to be with him assuming everything he has said is true and he doesn't have commitment issues. I told him I would not contact him again. I don't think at this point it would be a good idea to send another mail saying what you suggested, I guess he knows this anyway and knows I must be angry as well? I so hope you are right and he comes back, I miss him so much, but sending a mail now? probably best to leave it? . Lisa, you are right. I was assuming that you two broke up fairly recently and you had not done this things such as what you described above. I am sorry. I spoke prematurely and should have asked for more details.
Author LisaUk Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Hi Mike Thanks for replying so quickly, no worries! I know it isn't likely he will come back now, after buying me out the house etc, but he had to do so quickly as legal advice made me stay in our home, so he had to live with his brother and his fiancee for 9 weeks. He's well paid so money isn't too much of an issue for him, I know how he spends and the cost involved would not necessarily stop him reconciling with me if he wanted to. I just keep hoping he is confused and scared and once he gets his head sorted will decide to come back. I know I musn't live in hope as it's been 3 months and I just have to find a way to move on.
Exit Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 This may sound strange, but honestly, the big red flag while I was reading, was that he started seeing a therapist. I find that too coincidental to be ignored. I would bet he uncovered some hidden feelings during those sessions. And it really made him question what he was doing. I'm not sure about the commitment phobia thing, I think 18 years is pretty committed by itself. I don't think it was just the wedding that spooked him. It's good and bad to have been together for so long. I'm a hopeless romantic and I would love to say I was with something since I was 15. But this is also a breeding ground for feelings that you "missed out" on having fun, or dating other people, etc. Maybe that is what he's feeling. It's not that he's scared of commitment per-se, he's scared that he ALREADY allowed himself to be committed for 18 years, and isn't sure he can spend the rest of his life knowing he was always with the same person. I would still imagine that 18 years isn't easy to walk away from and hopefully he will be back. You may feel regretful that you've been sending him letters and keeping up contact with him, but at some point down the road if/when he comes back, he should be able to look past that and realize you had plenty of reason to be upset. I really hope he comes back to you. I literally cannot imagine what it feels like to lose someone after 18 years. I think I would just drop dead from grief. You are obviously handling it better than most people.
Author LisaUk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I guess their may be an element of the grass is greener, freaking out because he's not sure as he has only been with me, but I do think 18 years is abit of a long time to leave it if that's the case. All I sensed from him at the end was panic. Whether he's panicking due to fear of feeling trapped or due to fear of not being sure I don't know for sure, although knowing about his childhood, I suspect the former. I guess only he knows what's going on in his head, and I think maybe he doesn't even know for sure (he's still seeing the therapist after i urged him to go back after we split). I don't know about me coping so well, I wish I could just get him out of my head and stop obssessing about WHY? I guess when someone just drops you from such a great height, when they have already commited to marrying you booked the church, told our families, looked at venues etc, that it is just such a shock you need to figure out what happened. When I add in the physical ache of missing him, it is almost too much to bear, but I have to carry on, what choice do I have?
Exit Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Yeah, it is hard to stop asking Why. And it's unfortunate that most dumpers are unable, or uninterested in sitting down and trying to explain it better. Either they don't want to, or they don't understand it themselves. In all the conversations I've had with my ex, I've gotten a lot of dead silence and a lot of "I don't know". I think it surprised her that I'm still here 2 months down the road wishing she would come back. She would have preferred if I got mad at her for what she did, told her to @$!% herself, and never looked back. Then she would have the satisfaction of knowing that I really was a jerk. I'm sure it is painful for you. We didn't have our wedding planned, we weren't even engaged, but emotionally I had already committed myself to marrying her, it just felt so right, I never questioned it. I knew I had found my wife. I guess she didn't feel the same. Right now I am just trying to let go and have faith that some day she will get a reality check and realize what she did. It has become apparent that I definitely can't convince her to come back any time soon. She will need to figure it out for herself, and hope that I still give half a crap by the time she comes back.
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