Am I to get on a plane again?

[kingston]

Hi there,

I would appreciate people taking the time to give me a bit of advice. I have been with my girlfriend for about 1.5yrs now. She lives across the Atlantic from me. It was intially an internet relationship that developed into something else (it was the 1st time for me). I am very experienced with relationships and am in my mid 30s.

 

We've been backwards and forwards on planes since we met (first time was 8 months into it). I've been over about 5 times now to her once here. We got on great and connected on many levels, in fact it was almost intuitive and basically I fell for her the first time we met and vice versa (although we already suspected we had but couldn't be sure until that first meeting).

 

Her situation was and is complex. She was going through a separation, has two kids whereas I basically had none of that 'baggage', if you could call it that.

 

Things were great at first but she has alot of insecurities. Due to the way we met (on the net) she always accused me of it not being the first time or me of continuing conversations with other women etc. I found this a little ridiculous as I wasn't. I know long distance can provide doubts, trust issues etc. That was that but it used to drive me crazy. I'd get in trouble if I logged into MSN too early, I was asked to delete Facebook (which I rarely use anyway), was monitored on nights out (had to call once back home) etc. There is more such as being accused of hitting on any other female in the same room as us. I categorically do not do this ever, I have standards!

 

On the other hand we have been so in love with each other it's extremely difficult being apart, we used to talk every day on the phone for hours and have both invested alot of time, effort and money in the relationship.

 

I have met all of her family, including extended family over Xmas and here's the thing....I moved over this year. I gave up my job, rented my apartment, sold the car everything as it gets to the point someone needs to make a sacrifice. She has kids and due to the laws in her country cannot move them out of the local area so couldn't spend extended time here.

 

As I said, I moved over a short while ago and as with other visits petty jealousies started rearing their head. I received e-mails from the house rental people (from secretaries) and was accused of chatting them up, I felt I couldn't really go near the computer (difficult staying in touch with friends and family) and was asked to leave 3 times. She never meant it and has a tendency to lash out at people.

 

The final time I was asked to leave, she had just discovered that she/we were pregnant (I bought the second digital test). It was a big shock for us both but to be honest we should have been alot more careful. I attempted to speak to her about it to discuss the future but she didn't want to know at all. I spent that night on my own in a foreign country where I knew no-one sitting thinking about it in her house (I upstairs, she downstairs). Next day she disappeared with the kids all day after I again tried to engage her in discussion. This happened twice. The last time I asked her if she needed some space as I felt I wasn't welcome in her home. She said yes. I asked if she wanted me to come back and how long she needed and she told me to fly home to my country.

 

I waited about 8hrs on my own in her house, spoke to her Mum in that time who'd called her place and she advised me to stick arund and see what happened. Anyway, she eventually showed up and I said I was leaving for the airport. i didn't want to go at all, I wanted her to say she wanted me to stay but she never. I took off and was sitting in the departure lounge when she started phoning me and begging me to come back to her. i couldn't then, it was too late.

 

Since being back home we're back in contact. At first she said she would do anything to have me back etc. and I wanted to as well but had to think. After all, i'd just risked everything. Since that point she lose the baby through miscarriage and blames the stress of me leaving for it. She's still having physical problems with it. I do wish i'd been there. She has also started seeking counselling for her problems (relationship problems) and since then I was supposed to go across twice. 1st time I was told to delay further (due to her family stuff) and the second time (when i'd booked the flight) I was basically dumped when looking for reassurances on the phone the night before that she and we would be ok. I never got on the plane due to that.

 

The situation is now that I have been asked to go across this week (in 2 days) and if I don't it's over for good. I feel under a ton of pressure although I know she will not wait for me in her life as it's been too hard the distance thing so far. I am frankly apprehensive due to the last time and recently she said there was nothing more she could say to persuade me to come over so contact has drifted until last few days. Thing is my family and friends do not like her at all as i've been put through the ringer a bit and they're concerned for me...it's a big call: to forgive the past and go or stay where I am and move on?

 

Sorry for blabbing on but needed to give an honest pic of the situation. Anyone got any sensible advice? Thanks

 

PS I would not be able to work in her country due to visa stuff until of course if and when we get hitched (it has been discussed and both parties were willing before)

[TaraMaiden]

Briefly?

Stay exactly where you are.

Do not go over, call it a day and sever all contact.

She sounds like a bit of a head-case.

You really do not need this kind of aggravation.

It's costing you time, money and causing you stress, anxiety, worry and pain.

You have no ties and no obligations. At all.

 

Why do this to yourself voluntarily?

heave-ho and off you go.

or rather - heave hey - and here you stay....

[kingston]

taramaiden,

 

Thanks for your reply. I do see that she has issues and she's sworn thats he would change. I felt as i've managed to get her to go to counselling it's the frist steps. I have invested alot emotionally in this and she swears she is changng and can change for the better. I don't want someone else to get the benefits of what I started!

 

I do love her so much and part of me feels that if I don't try again then I will be living thinking only of what i've lost. I am really worried about getting on a plane again to be honest, it's not that I don't love her tons, I just don't want to damage myself further.

 

The plan was to travel about for a month together, get back on track and start with a clean slate. I have asked her via e-mail whether we will just be playing it by ear or if she is definite (as anyone can be about our future). We have talked about getting married, kids, the whole thing.

 

Not blowing my own trumpet and i'm no perfect but I am a decent man and I have treated her very well and been very patient.

 

I know it can work but just not sure if it will work at the presen time. I feel it's up to her to be honest with herself and I.

 

I have tried to let her go before but failed miserably. As i've said I have been in many relationships and frankly have never felt this way for anyone before so I know how rare it is.

 

I have alot of thinking to do. Appreciate your reply.