Chalon Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hi, my name is Carlos. I have been in a relationship with my girl for 3 years now, 2 of which we've been living together. In her case out of necessity (her parents moved away), in my case to help her out. I'm 23, she's 19, she's been with me since she was 17, and I'm the only one she's ever had sex with. In these past year though, because we are young and don't have carriers yet, we struggle with money constantly, which deteriorated our relationship. But she always tells me how she sees me as the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. The problem is that she is very very easily influence by other people and by situations (and she knows this). Work for example drives her away from me, because she gets the chance to hang with other guys and girls that think different from me (more immature I should say), so when she has a bad day, she comes home and shows me a lot of love, in every way possible. When she has extremely good days at work, she feels that's how it should be and she gets cold with me and threatens to end it. We broke up recently, she did it... but after a few weeks of being apart (but still living together) she asked me out again crying and saying that even if she gets weird sometimes she will always come back. While we were broken up she didn't do anything with anybody else, I know this cause I know her. Now we are back together, and we were doing better than ever, but she's been having fun without me, and she started telling me that she doesn't feel the same way anymore but still loves me. She told me that because she's been with me since she was 17, she can't do forever with me yet, and that she wants to take a break to date other people and get it out of her system, because one thing she doesn't want to do is not being able to control herself and she might end up cheating, which for her is something that she would never do, she thinks is something horrible to do to someone. I know I should probably give her the time she needs, but it's hard to do that when I know I might lose her to someone else, and also because for the next 7 months we r still going to live together. I have to admit I'm a sensitive guy, and shes both sensitive sometimes and cold others. We get along great and have a lot of fun together, but the flare is not there like it used to be, which I think is a normal part of any long term relationship, you just have to find new things to do together that you will both enjoy, but it's hard when you are broke. She goes back and forth with the decisions in her life, due to, i think, her being still immature... And this happening to us is part of it. She's scared of losing me if she goes through with this, but she says she needs to do it if we are to be together later. I need some advice, cause even though I know I'm lucky that she trusts me enough to explain to me what is going on in her head, but I love her for real and I just want her to be like she is sometimes (the goods), and I think it's unfair to me what she wants to do. I don't know...
Exit Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 It's not that unusual for someone to want to explore if they've only been with one person their entire life. Of course you don't want her sleeping around, but wouldn't you almost feel MORE confident if she saw other people and then came back to you? How does she really know what loving you is about if she has nothing to compare it to. Of course if I was in your shoes I would feel bad about it too. It's only easy to say this from someone else's perspective. Frankly you don't have much of a choice. What can you do, force her not to see other people? Then she'll just leave you anyway. You're better off doing it mutually and showing her that you love her enough to let her do what she wants. Don't fall for an unfair deal though, you get to see other people too. And she probably won't like that much and she'll come back to you.
girl68 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 If she wants to date other men, it's not to get it out of her system so that she can come back to you. It's because she thinks that there is someone better out there; better suited for her. You sound like a great guy... but great guys don't mean great matches. My advice would be to let her go, and not on a "break" and not with the notion she's coming back. A clean break up. Both of you need to get into a living situation with more roomates at a cheaper price. You should not be living together. For you two it's more about the logistics of the situation that attracted you to it and not the careful consideration it should have. And might I put something into your head. Think about it. Go on a break to see other people to get it out of her system. You are sitting around waiting for her... not dating... She is out on the town 3 nights a week with a different boy. Holding hands, kissing, petting, having sex. In your right mind can you deal with the girl you love going out to experience this to get it out of her system so she can come back home and settle down with you? I'll bet big money... no you can't. You'll go crazy, mad, and may seek "revenge" by dating, and sleeping around yourself. She'll feel like you cheated on her. All hell breaks loose. Even though both of you were free to do as you please. It will (probably) never ever in a million years work. Don't be naive. If she thinks she needs to leave... let and encourage her to do so. You are both incredibly young... you don't need to make this one the last one... She is not 100% invested in you, that does not lead to forever, forever land. Sorry bud.
boogieboy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Yeah you need to let her go so she can grow. Youre both too young to commit to each other like this anyway. You got plenty of years ahead of you to find a girl that will be into you unconditionally. I say get her out of your apt go cold turkey and dont let her date other guys and use you as a backup guy. She will lose respect for you each time you do this. She HAS to know she will lose you forever if she walks now. Thats the only way you have a chance on keeping her, but bottom line you both have lost the spark. I say cut your losses. You cant let her live with you while shes dating new people and youre not. It might tear you up. Get her out of there, let her find her own place. Move someplace cheaper if you have to.
Author Chalon Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice... Love is so complicated, you know what you have to do in your head when situations present themselves but your heart tells you to try and hold on, so it's like a battle within yourself. My heads says let her go, find yourself again, and if its meant to be it will be. But at the same time I don't want to gamble on it, cause she is very important to me, but if she still feels the same way I think I need to end it, and stay friends (without benefits so it doesn't get all complicated again). My friends tell me that it's a win win situation for me because she has a weird personality and I'm very down to earth, and (they say, I don't want to sounds like a jerk) that I'm better looking than her and that I will have far more options that she will (I'm in good shape, she's not, but I'm not superficial so I don't care about that, I love her personality and her good heart) But I've dated around a lot before I met her, in 2 different countries (I'm from Peru) and nobody came close to what I have with her, every girl I meet seems empty or too out there, and I know I'm not being fair to women in general because there are good women out there, but at least where I live it doesn't seems to be any any, and I'm not going to be able to move for a few years. And also the fact that she's only made love to me is very important to me for some reason, that nobody but me is been that close to her it's something I love about us.
boogieboy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Youre attached to little things that are nonsense. Dont worry, 6 months tops you'll be able to get over this. Also you need to get over the idea of the "virgin". You could get in a habit of developing a possessive personality and you dont want to do that. You got plenty of years ahead of you to get used to dating women with sexual experience. Believe me, its much better than dealing with a virgin. And you should already know that. You will find a girl that compliments your personality again. Give it time.
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