mmassey Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 A little background: I have been divorced 4 years. I have 6 children who are now 20, 18, 16, 14, 12 and 8. We separated during the last year of our marriage. I lived elsewhere with the children. I met Rick just as my divorce was finalized. We have been dating for 4 years. Two years ago, he moved in with me. This was not because we wanted to “move in together” it was because his son and friend whom he was renting with all went separate ways. He needed a place to stay for a while. Nine months later we decided together to truly move in together and we moved to a different city. This was Aug of 08. He was married for 17 years before his divorce. He was totally blindsided by her wanting to leave and this hurt him deeply. We have been together for 4 years. It is past that nice giddy time from of wondering if he wants to propose. It has moved to, will he ever ask? When I have mentioned it before, there has always been reasons. In the beginning it was, “not sure what I want in life” to “if I commit to you I can not give all to my kids (he would have to share with mine)”, to “ I feel like I might loose my kids”, to now, “I am laid off”. I told him this last time, “it seems you have and will always have a reason to not marry.” The longer he takes, the more I feel like I am not what he truly wants but is somehow settling because he loves me and is comfortable. My question is, Can a person be truly scared to be married again that they will risk loosing the person they love rather then face their fear? Does love always find a way? Will love conquer if I only wait? Is it true that if you truly love someone you would not turn your back on him when he is hurt and scared? Should I end it? Should I wait?
2sure Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 After his divorce he was renting an apartment as a roommate with his grown son and his son's friend. Now, I understand hard times. I understand child support payments, etc. I'm sure his finances left him to take what living arrangements he could find. As you said, it was less than ideal when he had to move in with you because his roommates gave up the apartment. It sounds like this man may just be doing what is most convenient. Maybe he is someone who doesnt do anything ever until push comes to shove. I'm sure he cares about you and your children and maybe thats enough. Finances are a real factor to deal with in life and relationships. If you really want to be married, you have to tell him that. With a time limit.
sadintexas Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I am 4 years post separation/divorce. Up until recently, I never wanted to even entertain the idea of marriage again. Now, I'm open but ambilvalent about it. I would marry if I was with the right person and marriage was important to him. If he was happy just living together, I'd be perfectly fine with that too. I believe that it's the commitment that counts. Having been through a bad marriage and worse divorce, I can completely identify with not becoming legally "stuck" to someone, regardless of how much I might love them. Although a partner might see it as personal, for me it totally isn't. It's a separate issue that has to do with my past.
LakesideDream Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 LoveShack does not allow one word responses, so ignore the previous text. No.
stace79 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 A little background: I have been divorced 4 years. I have 6 children who are now 20, 18, 16, 14, 12 and 8. We separated during the last year of our marriage. I lived elsewhere with the children. I met Rick just as my divorce was finalized. We have been dating for 4 years. Two years ago, he moved in with me. This was not because we wanted to “move in together” it was because his son and friend whom he was renting with all went separate ways. He needed a place to stay for a while. Nine months later we decided together to truly move in together and we moved to a different city. This was Aug of 08. He was married for 17 years before his divorce. He was totally blindsided by her wanting to leave and this hurt him deeply. We have been together for 4 years. It is past that nice giddy time from of wondering if he wants to propose. It has moved to, will he ever ask? When I have mentioned it before, there has always been reasons. In the beginning it was, “not sure what I want in life” to “if I commit to you I can not give all to my kids (he would have to share with mine)”, to “ I feel like I might loose my kids”, to now, “I am laid off”. I told him this last time, “it seems you have and will always have a reason to not marry.” The longer he takes, the more I feel like I am not what he truly wants but is somehow settling because he loves me and is comfortable. My question is, Can a person be truly scared to be married again that they will risk loosing the person they love rather then face their fear? Does love always find a way? Will love conquer if I only wait? Is it true that if you truly love someone you would not turn your back on him when he is hurt and scared? Should I end it? Should I wait? In my opinion you both need brutal honestly. Maybe he just doesn't see a point in getting married again because of what happened to him. Is marriage significant to you? Are you happy with the way things are now? I don't think I would move to another city with someone knowing that I want marriage, until I was actually married. Living together, now he has no real reason to propose/get married. If it is vitally important to you to get married, you have to communicate that. If he does not reciprocate in an acceptable (to you) way, then I'd move on. Waiting around, in my experience, is usually a waste.
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