AlektraClementine Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 So I'm engaged. He proposed about a week ago. We are happy and busy making plans. Squaring away finances and wedding plans, etc. His ex has always been a nasty presence in our relationship. Not in a physical sense but in a thorn-in-our-side kind of way. Mostly because he has allowed her to be. She's the devious type who has called upon him for rescue (she's an alcoholic) and who always remembers to ask about me but not because she cares, but because she's taking notes. He hasn't seen her or responded to any of this in about 8 months. He took measure to try ceasing her contact attempts and it's worked some. Not enough for me though. I got more comfortable with myself as the relationship progressed and began to comment. things like: "I'm sensing unfinished business. I want no part of it if that's the case" "I'm not comfortable with her contacting you" "By not confronting her and asking her to stop, you are sparing her feelings at the expense of mine". This situation has gotten notably better. She still tries, but he ignores. Was curt with her the last time they spoke (excuse was that he had a new phone, did not recognize the number, answered by accident) when she asked to have dinner with us, he said absolutely not. She hasn't called again or texted since February but recently when she found out about the engagement, she went on a drunken rant to a mutual friend about "Oh. Mr. Commitment is getting married, etc" The fiance and I had an argument last evening stemming from my lingering discomfort with this chick. Even when the calls and texts stop, she still injects her presence in our life via friends. My problem with my fiance is that he's never had the balls (pardon my French) to tell her what's what in no uncertain terms. I feel insecure because of it and in-turn it affects the relationship. While he was engaging in the argument and not condescending, he doesn't understand why I feel so upset about her. I should trust him, he says, and he says that the fact that contact has stopped for so long, should speak loudly of the dissolution of her. Need some advice on how to get past her influence on me, and how to better communicate to my fiance how much this has angered me.
girl68 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 but not because she cares, but because she's taking notes. For what? You don't mention any situation where she's used anything against you in any way. He took measure to try ceasing her contact attempts and it's worked some. Not enough for me though. What do you want him to do? Block her number? Scream at her to never call again? Tell her that she should not be friends with x, y, z? This situation has gotten notably better. She still tries, but he ignores. Was curt with her the last time they spoke (excuse was that he had a new phone, did not recognize the number, answered by accident) when she asked to have dinner with us, he said absolutely not. She hasn't called again or texted since February So it's gotten better, much better, she called out of the blue, he picked up (opps) and talked for a minute, shut her down when asked out and you're still pissed. Huh... ask him to block her number, period. Can easily be done. No mistakes will be made. but recently when she found out about the engagement, she went on a drunken rant to a mutual friend about "Oh. Mr. Commitment is getting married, etc" Here's where I think you have no right to bitch. She is perfectly entitled to rant about her ex to HER (which happen to be SHARED) friends. So what? She found out her ex is marrying some new girl... most normal people are at least a tad effected when news reaches them! That is none of your business. In fact it is your mutual friend whoose wrong to! She/ or he should know better to keep the 2 friends seperate. Don't talk about the ex when you 2 are around and don't talk about you 2 when the ex is around. Common freaking sense. The fiance and I had an argument last evening stemming from my lingering discomfort with this chick. Even when the calls and texts stop, she still injects her presence in our life via friends. My problem with my fiance is that he's never had the balls (pardon my French) to tell her what's what in no uncertain terms. I feel insecure because of it and in-turn it affects the relationship. While he was engaging in the argument and not condescending, he doesn't understand why I feel so upset about her. I should trust him, he says, and he says that the fact that contact has stopped for so long, should speak loudly of the dissolution of her. Need some advice on how to get past her influence on me, and how to better communicate to my fiance how much this has angered me. My problem is that I don't feel like you have a legitimate reason to be so upset with her. And likely that is what your fiance means about not understanding why you feel so upset. You have expressed much, and much has changed. He says no to invites, ignores calls and texts, and mistakenly answered a call. You haven't said she said anything bad about you. You haven't said she is trying to get him back. Ask yourself why you're so bothered she honestly doesn't seem like a threat. But you seem to view her as one. Ask yourself WHY.
Author AlektraClementine Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks for the reply. To answer a few questions: I'm not mad at her for her opinion. I'm irritated that I even have to hear about it compounded with his revealing to me that her reaction "amused' him. I don't want to dictate who his friends are. Typically, I don't care. She's the only one who I'd like to see go away. She does want him back. She's expressed as much early on. Gone so far as to suggest to him that I'm too charismatic for him and that it won't last. That's backhanded insult if I ever heard one. My irritation is directly mostly at the fact that he did nothing to discourage her in the beginning and that has evolved into her taking the liberties she has. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame her. I don't like her, but I don't blame her. I blame him.
girl68 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Alright well here's how I see it. I doubt he actaully sees her as a "friend" becasue "friends" won't decline dinner invites to other "friends". But that said she's still around. He's not burning the bridge, for whatever reason. And at this point I think you should give it up. But not without adressing a few things. First her diss about you being "too charismatic" let it go. Period. You won, you're obviously not too anything for him or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him. Most people in their straight minds have something... ANYTHING to say about an ex's new lover... this is hers. Let it be. I do hope he defended you and your relationship; but that's another matter. We're talking about her. She's probably never going to go away, not permanently anyways. You have mutual friends with her. Too bad. Tell your friends that you don't want to hear about what she says about you, about him or anything else for that matter. Tell your bf that too. Tell him that you didn't appriciate that comment about her reaction being amusing. But even here I'd like you to rethink that. Because really, amusing- is it really that big of a deal? It's gone it's done. It was amusing... nothing more than that. He didn't say he enjoyed it, can't wait for it to happen again, likes the attention and so on. Amusing isn't so bad, really. But if you must, tell him that you thought the amusment comment didn't do you any good, none at all. I mean does she still call? You said nothing since Febuary, well that's a looong time... and then you're engaged and she reaches out... well still that's one time in 6 months... don't you think that's accepatable. He ignores her, declines her, and doesn't call back. Seriously.... I think you have it pretty good. As for your friends... well yeah, tell them you want to hear nothing about her, and that their friendship shall remain just theirs.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think it is reasonable to expect him to cease contact with his ex since you got engaged. Firstly he needs to block her phone number permanently, or even better, change his number and tell everyone not to give it to her. Secondly, he needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that he is engaged and he wants her to leave him alone and never contact him again. Thirdly, he needs to stop running after her every time she needs help - if I was going to marry this guy I would insist on total No Contact with his ex, even if that means declining certain invitations because she would be there. These would be my conditions before I would even think about marrying him - if he didn't put my feelings ahead of hers and comply with my requests then the engagement would be off, because I wouldn't be prepared to enter into marriage while this woman was a thorn in my side. If you allow it to continue now, it could continue for years and would likely have a very negative impact on your marriage. It sounds like you already stated your feelings calmly and reasonably, and he hasn't taken them seriously - he needs to know that you mean business and you will not stand for this woman being in your lives in any way. The previous poster said that contacting him one time in six months is acceptable, but I don't believe it is... as she is a negative presence the only acceptable solution is no contact at all. And I also don't believe that "their friendship shall remain just theirs"... personally I would be more inclined to say "their friendship shall no longer exist, otherwise there will be no wedding". You need to put your foot down here, otherwise the situation will continue indefinitely.
Author AlektraClementine Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I don't believe that there is any comparison between her and me. Not to sound egotistical, but I know that it's a no-brainer for him. I don't see her as a threat but more of a nuisance. Then I start to consider what his motivation might be for protecting her feelings (by not being rude to her). That's the part that makes me cringe a little. He was here tonight. Wearing his best "I'm in trouble" manners. He asked if I was still upset. I told him yes but that I didn't want to talk about it tonight. I don't know what to say or how best to express it yet. I know he doesn't call her. I know he's tired of it too. I realize that since declining her dinner invitation, he has said that there have been no more contact attempts. The last contact was a text that he showed me: Her: sorry about the drunk dial last night. But it is good to talk to old friends. To my knowledge - he didn't reply, as that is what was indicated on his phone. Why does this continue to hurt me? I haven't figured that out. I want control over myself here. We are suffering at the moment because I have feelings I can't explain and he doesn't understand. Road Block-ish.
jnj express Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You are getting good advice about this from everyone here, BUT i do think before you say your vows, and legally tie yourself to your fiance, you had better get this issue squared away. Many EX's have wrecked mge., especially if problems crop up in the mge., and the ex finds out about the problems, they move in and try to get their paws on the partner they once were intimate with. You do need to give your fiance an ultimatum, to make sure he lets his friends know in no uncertain terms, this Ex, is not to be brought up to him, in any way shape or form, all traces of her need to be deleted once and for all. If he and his friends can't do that, then you need to rethink your future with your fiance.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 He may not have replied to her text, but did he answer her drunken phonecall and speak to her? If he did, that's unacceptable and is just encouraging her, he needs to not speak to her at all. It's good that he's being honest with you and showing you texts, and it's good that he's trying to break contact with her, it just might take some time until she gets the message. He could help this along by telling her in no uncertain terms to LEAVE HIM ALONE. I think that despite realising you're a better catch than her, you still feel some insecurity because your bf has not cut her out of his life altogether, and you can't understand why. Perhaps you also feel sort of angry at yourself for allowing her to bother you and for not standing up for yourself. Your bf doesn't necessarily put her feelings ahead of yours, he's probably the type of person who doesn't like to hurt anyone and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, so he's allowing her to continue contacting him... mostly because there are few real consequences for him if it does continue. If he was facing some serious consequences (such as his fiancee leaving him) then he would be much more likely to put a stop to this woman's behaviour. Someone once told me that you teach people how to treat you - in other words, you set the standard for what sort of behaviour you're prepared to accept. If you let him get away with being in contact with her, don't be surprised if he continues being in contact with her! If you want it to stop, you need to put your foot down and say this is unacceptable, then stand by that and make sure there are some serious consequences if he doesn't respect your wishes.
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