nothingissacred Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 after all the horrible things that have happened...i still haven't been able to let go. This could be an extremely long post...maybe more details can be filled in as i go, i just don't know if i can handle rehashing it all at one time. And really, there are just too many issues to cover. I've been married for 14 years, together with H for 19. I was 17 when we met. We had such a great marriage for a long time...sure there were issues we had, but overall we hardly ever fought and did everything together. Always. In the last couple years things started going downhill, and fast. I started up my own company. We had discussed the trials that would come and he seemed to support me. Then he began saying I wasn't giving him enough attention, and we had major fallout from then on out. I didn't fully understand why he was upset. Even when I finally did, and did everything he wanted me to to make amends....it was like he was already checked out. He went into depression...i asked him to seek help and i even tried to get us marriage counseling. Fast forwarding... things were highly tense in our M. Communication seemed to have completely stopped. I tried to get him to open up, to no avail. I was trying everything I could. His behavior changed dramatically. We fought all the time. Then, he left the house (and me crumbled in a crying mess on the floor) last october. A whole lot of hurtful situations and behaviors happened during that time...I've been a complete mess since then. And at the end of January I found out why: He had started shooting heroin and screwing some girl at his work (in a car, in a park, on their lunchhour) before he had even left. I got to discover this information on my own (finding him passed out w/drugs then talking to a coworker of his). 2 days apart. On top of that, she was pg....could be my H's. I found that out, too. She just had the baby and a test has been ordered, so that will be known shortly. So, this had all been going on for over half a year....and I got to discover it all. I felt and still feel like my world is spinning. He never came clean and told me anything, even after many talks when he had the chance...but he'd just look me in the eye and say he wasn't doing drugs and wasn't cheating. After my initial shock....i decided to offer him a chance. He had to move out of his friends house (where the drugs were), get help, and stop seeing the girl. He did, but he still doesn't seem to really want to repair anything. Like he's just going through the motions. His IC (for the drugs) says he's not ready for MC yet. So, none of this has really been dealt with for me at all. I'm barely functioning, a walking zombie full of the worse pain and hurt and sorrow and anger imagineable. And just....waiting. I know if anyone stacked up what he's done to me, they would be out the door. Everyone I know and love is telling me to end this. And I'm mad at myself for staying even this long. I thought if cheating ever happened, i'd be gone. But, here I am. Taking more hits and unable to process the depth of this and accepting that my M is probably over whether I ever wished it to be or not. And accepting that the whole M was a sham and a fake adn everything i ever believed in has disappeared. My "soulmate" never was. How could he DO this? to ME? I guess I took our vows more seriously. I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life. I'm just sick over this. I am starting IC tomorrow. I hope i'm able to function and be able to come out of this zombie/anger/consuming thoughts fog soon because honestly after this whole ride, it's eating me alive. Just wanted to post really...i don't think anyone understands this kind of pain unless you've been through it so I thought posting could be helpful or therapeutic in some way. thanks.
Reggie Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Sorry you've been subjected to this. First, you must realize that he is seriously messed up and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. People with active Cd problems are impossible to deal with. It is a symptom of a much larger problem within the person, many times a personality disorder. Right now, you just need to focus on yourself and get some counseling and support. Excise him, to the extent possible , from your life. He is an addict and can only help himself. Thye will lie, steal, cheat and do all types of abusive things and the only thing you can do is to stay away from him and look after yourself. See your doctor and get a referall for counseling and , possibly , meds to deal with the anxiety and depression that result from dealing with a cheater and addict. Talk to family and friends about all of this and get support.
tami-chan Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Wow...you are beyond wonderful! I agree with the above poster, you MUST understand who and what he has become is not because of YOU nor is it a reflection of YOU. Apart from loving him (not that that is not good enough reason) why do you want him in your life? Obviously you are a good person, I understand you want to help him get well...but beyond that what else? Even after he conquers his demons, he will still have a lot of issues to deal with and you to have to live with, forgive and accept. He needs to be tested for STDs, not only because he cheated on you but because he was shooting heroine-god knows where he got his needles and who he shard it with. And the mistress' child ( if proven to be his). Can you live with that, and live happily? You need help to bail out.....he made his choices, let him live with the consequences.
Author nothingissacred Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 thank you. I am starting with a psychologist tomorrow. I tried another counselor at the beginning of this, but I didn't feel I had a connection with her, and honestly she wasn't really helping. And now I realize that I am in some serious trouble if I don't get IC and stay with it. Crap, i've lost 10 lbs and trust me, I have none to lose. I'm scared to take meds, i had a bad reaction to one in the past. But being depressed is not fun either. And it's not me. I've lost myself in this. I'm just so so sad. And angry. My heart is either pounding with rage or it's in the pit of my stomach. Logically, I know it has nothing to do with me....but all this time he's been telling me how "pushing him away" was the root cause of all of this even if nothing is an excuse for his behavior. When I would inquire about anything suspicious he told me it was nothing, and that i was just being too critical of him. Me. And then I've read all these affair books and they're like "well, this wouldn't happen in a happy marriage, what did YOU do to contribute to the affair??" so I guess I did something to contribute. I just don't think it was so horrible to deserve this humiliating, devastating outcome. Recently I have cut down on the contact, talk a couple times a week now. I admit I am still doing the obsessive things like checking the phone...got used to that over this whole debacle. How does one move on after this? I do hope the IC can help me...I hope someone can. I do have a wonderful support system of family/friends. Amazing ones. I don't know what I would be getting if this was somehow saved. That's something I've been thinking about. A H I can never trust? Feel safe with? Have that deep connection knowing that he loves me and do anything in the world FOR me? Is that possible anymore? Can the heart heal that much pain and betrayal? He's the only man I've ever loved and the only man I've ever been with and known. I simply don't know a life without him. And never pictured one without him. I know what I would wish of him, but I don't know if he'd be capable...or even willing.
Reggie Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You do not have to be the perfect spouse to have an expectation of fidelity. All relationships have problems and a lot of research has shown that, typically, it is the WS that was bringing less to the marriage, pre-affair. This makes sense, particularly in your case dealing with an addict. Typically, WSs have poor impulse control, lack problem sovling skills and are poor communicators. It is very appealing, post discovery to take the bllmae. It gives one a sense of control(if I had not sone this, it would not have happened...) and one is so depleted with a WS very invested in blameshifting to avoid guilt that many BSS fall prey to this. You are right, reconciling is a longshot at best. You have identified the problems with reconciling, the lack of trust, the knowledge that you are not really special to your spouse, and expierience with what they are capable of. You now know with certainty that when the chips are down, the spouse is capable of betraying and abandoning you. This would apply in illness situations, financial difficulties, all sorts of adverse circumstances. One is tainted by this knowledge and it is very difficult to get past this. Good for going to counseling and looking out for you. Keep contact to a minimum. You will get over this, but it takes a fair amount of time.
Author nothingissacred Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thank you reggie. You really got that dynamic down. With him and myself. I know i'm not perfect, but i was always loyal and honest and never kept secrets. i was a good wife, stuck with him through his hard times before...would have done and have done everything i know to address our issues. Granted, I never had all the answers or all the skills. But I know i've tried to the best of my ability. i have a long road ahead of me, and it looks daunting... i can only hope that i'll be happy again. I'm actually looking forward to the counseling session tomorrow, although I know it will be just the beginning...
Reggie Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Most of us that have been through this have fought the inclination to take some responsibility for the affair, as distinguished from having played some role in marital problems. Be patient with yourself in recovery. it is widely accepted that infidelity is one of the most traumatic things someone can go through, very damaging. It is a severe form of emotional abuse. So, it will probably take a good long time to heal. You may hear from folks that have not been through this that you need to heal faster, put it behind you, get over it, etc. These folks, while sometimes well intentioned , are ignorant about this expierience. I know I was, before I went through it. Get support from trusted loved ones, as well as getting counseling. It really helps to talk about this.
jasminetea Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 i can only hope that i'll be happy again. You don't have to hope, you can believe it. And what's more, you don't need him or anyone like him to give you that happiness.
Author nothingissacred Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I had my first IC meeting yesterday...went okay, basically a "get to know you" session but I have hope this woman can help me sort things out. And then I ended up talking/arguing with my H later in the day. Now, one of the "requirements" I had given him was the move out of his friends house (where the drugs reigned) and he was also supposed to have NC with him. I wish he would never ever talk to his friend again, but H considers him his "best friend" even though this "friend" didn't even call an ambulance when my H overdosed...nor til he tell me anything about what was happening and was a part of the betrayal. I did consider him a friend of mine too. So, my H insists on having this guy in his life....which I felt would have to be discussed whenever the MC was able to start and issues begin to be sorted out, and not a moment before. It was part of "the deal" Well, since I had been trying to give him his "space" the last week or so, my H decided all on his own to reestablish contact with his friend. (btw, his friend never had the decency to stop trying to talk to H, always texted) He said he didn't see why he couldn't talk to his bff, since he feels that the drugs aren't an issue anymore (4.5 months so far) and he's not in danger of that. And he missed his friend. And he didn't see *why* I should expect him to come and talk to me about it beforehand for "permission". It's just another example of me getting kicked in the gut. HE didn't think it was a big deal, but it is to me. HE thought things weren't working so he may as well go ahead..which btw, is the same excuse for his affair. Is it so hard to consider me after alllll of this? really? I know I can't keep him from his friend forever, but it's an issue that needs to be dealt with in MC along with the trust, etc. I didn't want him to contact him until WE started to heal and get a hold on this. But he did. And doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't think it's fair that he has to lose his bff for a while because of what's been done. So, I explained how much his contacting his friend without considering me or our relationship hurt me. How once again, this friend of his is more important than my feelings or our marriage. Then I told him that it was his choice to talk to his bff or not. But that if he kept talking to him I would take it as a sign that his bff is more important than us. If he's not willing to face consequences, do the work and sacrifice to save the marriage...I can't either. It takes two, and so far it's been one. Me. And if he didn't start putting 150% of himself into repairing this marriage, instead of half-ass going along, then I don't see the point of seeing a MC. After the amount of damage done, I think this would be hard enough to salvage if we both give it our all.... and if he's not going at it full speed (as the ws no less) i just don't see the point anymore. In laymans terms I think I just said "**** or get off the pot" This make sense? Anyhow, now I have 2 bits of information that will help me determine my future course. If the baby is his. And if he really, truely wants to be in this marriage anymore. This will be quite the anxious week for me. It's been a year and a half of hell. The A started about 10 months ago now, ended around D-day 4.5 months ago...and I feel like i'm in the same damn horrible place with zero healing. I'm past exhaustion. blah. anyway. would like your thoughts on this...
Author nothingissacred Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 anyone? thoughts on if i did the right thing? oh, and i also kept seeing the word "gaslighting" used on this forum...finally looked it up...and it describes what's been going on to a tee. at least i have a name for it now, i suppose it validates what i've been experiencing. i was having a hard time expressing how insane i've felt...now i know it wasn't just in my head...it was abuse. great. this whole situation is just too depressing.
Owl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 YOu absolutely CAN "keep him from seeing his friend forever". If she represents a threat to your marriage (which it clearly sounds like she does) there is absolutely no reason why you can't INSIST on NC between them. PERIOD. It's called "setting boundaries". He needs to realize just how badly he's destroyed your trust, and that if he doesn't change...your marriage will end. That's it...that's what you need to do. Seriously, it's all about boundaries and consequences. If he violates a boundary, he suffers a consequence. The greater the violation, the more severe the consequence. His affair needs to become something that he suffers to continue. Frankly, I don't know that you're going to have high odds with him, however. He sounds like he has NO remorse, accepts no responsibility, and all around just doesn't give a darn about what he's doing to you. In that case...all you can do is cut your losses. I'm sorry that's so harsh, but that's exactly what it sounds like from this side of the internet.
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