Therapist said.....

[boldjack]

Reg, Why can you not stop trying to assign guilt? For the last (hopefully) time, she was incoherent from the time she got into the car until the man tried to molest her and she refused his advances. Her co-worker remembers PM being asleep in the car, and also remembers PM trying to get the man to stop. In all of that, show me one clear-headed expression of consent. Can a "passed out" person, volunteer for anything ? Why can't you leave this poor woman alone?

[Reggie]

Some of the things she said earlier, are not consistent with that, Bold. This story keeps changing. She walked out of the bar, had a conversation with her brother in law, guesses she consented to the inital activities by virute of feeling pressure because she was at his house(how'd she do that if she was passed out and incoherent/),remembers the guy using a condom(condom wnet on prior to the request to stop. So, if she was incoherent up to thst point, how can she recall?)

There's a whole littany of other things that don't add up, as well. This is a classic case of someone grasping at anything to avoid the truth, IMO.

But, let's not get started and get Tony upset. I do not buy this story at all.

Best to tell her husband, I agree.But, feeding him this non consensual story is not a good idea, IMO.

[boldjack]

Reg, you are not her judge. Leave her alone and nothing will get started. And Tony won't get pissed.

[lkjh]

Tough choice. Tell and you run the risk of your H leaving. Hide it and it eats at you and there is a fairly big risk he finds out which makes it even tougher to recover the marriage. Maybe talk to your pastor again.

It seems to me that there is a very good chance that the info will get out and back to your H. Your girlfriend knows and may disclose to her other confidantes> Then, the thing starts spreading. The guy knows and will probably talk about his expierience. I bet a fair number of people already know.

 

 

 

This was regg's first post and there was no judgment in there. All he said was to tell the H and speak with the pastor. He said the same thing that a lot of other people have said

 

Bold, you are just trying to start a debate,just give it up already

[Trimmer]

I spoke with my co worker today and she pretty much didn't remember much else. she said she did remember I fell asleep in the back seat on the way there, and remembers me telling her to make him STOP when he did what he did. But other than that its pretty in and out for her as well .

Just out of curiosity, what is her state of mind about that evening? If she was "in and out" of it, does she feel like she was possibly drugged, taken advantage of, assaulted, etc.? Or is this just an average night out drinking for her - give up control and go with the flow of whatever happens? Was she upset about it at all when you spoke to her, or empathetic at all about your experience?

[Reggie]

Reg, you are not her judge. Leave her alone and nothing will get started. And Tony won't get pissed.

Bold, you never address the inconsistencies. I feel you are giving her bad advice, enabling this run from reality.

[lkjh]

Just out of curiosity, what is her state of mind about that evening? If she was "in and out" of it, does she feel like she was possibly drugged, taken advantage of, assaulted, etc.? Or is this just an average night out drinking for her - give up control and go with the flow of whatever happens? Was she upset about it at all when you spoke to her, or empathetic at all about your experience?

 

 

Really good and important questions.

 

PM, if you and your H are religious I think it would be better to have a church leader present when you choose to tell your H.

[boldjack]

Reg, I am trying to get you to see that browbeating and accusing is not being helpful, but you are bound and determined to crucify this poor woman. Try a little compassion for a change. I have tried my best to get you to see the very human frailty of this person, and you will not give her anything but relentless persecution. I'm done talking to you.

[seibert253]

Prtty,

It's good to see you're addressing the issues which lead to this mess. No matter what, you will be better and stronger because of this. IMO God sometimes has to resort to the 2X4 method to show us how screwed up we've become, and we need to get our act together. Look at it this way, what occurred with you was bad, but visualize all the worse things which could have occurred. Then it doesn't seem like a worse case senerio.

 

With that being said, I have to agree with your Pastor on this one. Your husband needs to hear about this from you, and sooner rather that later. The longer you wait, the chances grow he will learn about it from someone else and get their prospective on it. Not yours. You have two other people involved. How long are they going to keep their silence.

Your husband might not find out now, 5 or 10 years from now, but when he does, the fact that you kept this hidden from him for X amount of years will compound the problem tenfold. Then I can almost guarentee you he will be gone.

[Athena]

That does not excuse me, nor my behavior. I She suggested that if I thought no one knew, that it might be best to refrain from telling my husband if I wanted things to continue to stay as good as they had been between he and I. (we have had a rough past and this year a lot had changed and we were doing so amazing).

 

OR I tell him and risk everything. I am so MAD at myself! why did this have to happen!

 

Hi prttymarie, I have only read your first post on this new thread, so hopefully I am not repeating other posts... I DID read your entire previous thread though...

The above quotes from your post jumped out at me -- made me wonder, do you think that you Subconsciously sabotaged your recent success at your marriage, by getting into that pickle of the Drunken incident... I mean, you did say it was completely out of character for you to do ANY of it -- the going out with a Single person, the drinking, the talk about the threesome... etc... is there ANY reason you might have subconsciously tried to set up a 'Deal-breaker' incident for your husband? Perhaps you are Testing him? Perhaps you feel deep down you are not good enough for him, or do not deserve to be happily married? Or -- you are afraid of being hurt by your H in the future, and couldn't bear to think of the pain, especially after you both were doing so well in the marriage?

THINK...

[Athena]

Perhaps you can explore those possibilities in therapy with your counselor, once you have taken care of the more urgent matter of coming clean with your husband... this all might have some relevance to the future of your marriage, to think through WHY you might have allowed yourself to head into a situation so unlike what you'd normally do... I am sure that would help ensure you'd never do that again, but also, more importantly, get at the deeper issues of your marriage.

Just a thought.

[stuckinoz]

As I have said here before I'm not an advocate for telling when an affair has happened & is over - OR - if a one night stand has happened & will never happen again.

 

BUT......I do think that since everyone else here is basically telling you to tell your husband what happened - the longer you wait - the harder it's going to be.

 

I also think that there is something to be said for the 2 professionals you have involved. This isn't their first rodeo dealing with people in this situation - listen to what they have to say as well & make your decision based on what you already know.

[Athena]

http://www.rape.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1084&Itemid=57

 

I found this entry which is remarkably similar to the OP. Hope this helps you in some way, Prttymarie.

 

 

Written by Ashlea

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

 

As I write this, I think about all the women who have experienced what I have and been afraid to expose the truth. I think about the perpetrators roaming around without conviction, the sick sordid maggots who choose to prey on women to improve their self-esteems. I think about my loved ones and what they had to hide to protect me and my identity. I think of the men who have been a part of my life and the lives of these women: fathers, brothers, boyfriends, friends. And I think of the other women out there who are oblivious to the dark underworld of society who may one day encounter such an event. May this experience help you in whichever way it can. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.

 

 

I have thought long and hard over the past years whether I would ever disclose the event. I feared people’s opinions of me. I was worried it would change the way people interact with me and treat me. But now I have accepted my past and am comfortable in talking about it. If my experience can aid in supporting even one other woman, I will have achieved my goal. I am content with who I am today, and I know that this is a result of my life experiences. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.

 

 

I used to work in sales. A job at which I excelled, as a result of my extrovert personality and friendly demeanour. I travelled extensively; I slept more than half the month in hotel and/ or bed and breakfasts. I received a comfortable salary and I knew if I had stayed in the company, I would most certainly have moved up the corporate ladder at a rapid pace.

 

 

When I received an award for my great efforts at a conference in Bloemfontein; I was impressed. A colleague and I decided to make an appearance at one of the local pubs to have a celebratory drink. In addition to working together, we had become close friends and enjoyed catching up on the latest developments in our lives. We even shared the room at the guest lodge. We were having a great evening sipping on a glass of red wine and were receiving a fair amount of attention from the local gents. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.

 

 

Things become blurry from that moment. I remember feeling tired and starting to fall asleep on the table. I remember my colleague driving my car back to the hotel. I remember a male sitting in the passenger seat and me sitting in the back. I remember the three of us entering the guest house and him pouring a tomato cocktail for each of us. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.

 

 

I remember waking up with a man on top of me. “Who is the person?” repeatedly ran through my head as I panicked and wanted to push him off. But I was paralysed. I remember wanting to talk and shout and scream. But I was voiceless. I could not move. I could not squirm. I could not do anything about the fact that I had a stranger on top of me , sexually assaulting me. I never asked for it; I never deserved it.

 

 

I remember being startled by the sound of someone rummaging through the blankets and bags around the room. I could tell he was searching for something. I still had no idea who he was. His hand was bleeding, which he attributed to the electric fence which burnt him on his first departure that night. He had returned to the guest house to our room when he realised he had left his wallet behind. I very kindly suggested that he leave me his number so that I could contact him should we find it. I saved it in my phone under a question mark as I still had no idea who he was.

 

 

After he left, I shook my colleague, who was sleeping in the bed next to me, in a panic asking her what had happened and who was that man. She woke up wearing only her underwear, and was just as confused and startled as I. I was wearing my pajama shirt, but my pants were missing.

 

 

Rape is a dirty word. I despise it. It has a raw, frightening connotation. It was always something which happened to other people. In other places. In other worlds. Never to good, kind people like us in our protected environments.

 

 

My colleague and I decided that it would be our secret. Nobody would ever find out about it. And we would have to erase the experience from our memory. I later learned that a colleague in the room adjacent to ours at the guest house had heard me crying and sobbing throughout the night, but did not want to ‘get involved’. I often wonder how he sleeps at night.

 

 

I remember scrubbing myself in a hot shower. I washed myself about 10 times that morning. I was in a great deal of pain, my head was still very foggy and the events of that morning are still unclear. I managed to drive myself from Bloemfontein to East London, alone. I believe I must have had my Guardian Angel watching over me that day because I never remembered much of that 600 odd kilometre trip.

 

 

When you hear psychologists say that worst thing about rape is the guilt, it definitely is true. I felt guilty. I felt dirty. I felt tarnished. I kept thinking that I must have done something to attract this man, or lure him back to the guest house. Who would ever want to be with me again? What would my boyfriend say? I kept reminding myself that nobody would ever find out about it. I would erase it from my memory and I would get over it. If I contracted HIV, I told myself I would live with it and deal with it. I was too afraid to visit my doctor; acknowledging the event meant dealing with the event.

 

 

I guess I should tell you that I am in fact a health professional. I have educated people on the protocols for patients who have been sexually assaulted. Yet I did not follow it myself. But nobody can prepare you for the emotional turmoil you feel after such an event.

 

 

So I continued my life with a mask covering my face for about a month after the incident. In public I forced myself to maintain my extrovert persona, but inside I was dead. I could not eat. I lost a lot of weight. I would cry myself to sleep. I took sleeping tablets. I took tranquilizers to numb the pain. But that is what I eventually became: a numb, lifeless person with no emotion. I eventually realised, I needed a Plan B.

 

 

I went to see a fantastic psychologist to whom I told the experience. She was supportive. She listened. She helped me believe there was hope. I believed I could keep the dealings of my emotional turmoil for her visits only, and maintain my exterior personality. But my weekly sessions were damaging my budget, and I still was unable to work. My sales were crashing. And I knew I needed to perform damage control.

 

 

I knew I had to tell my boyfriend. I had to tell him. He had to know. He’d been wary of my silent attitude ever since I had returned from Bloemfontein. I decided to tell him, for the sake of our relationship, and for what I thought would be my own support. But unfortunately some men just don’t know how to deal with it. He left me. Never returned my calls. Disappeared. Vanished. I never heard from him for months after that day. I felt my heart being removed with a spoon. My greatest nightmare had come true: Nobody else will want me?

 

 

I thank my parents for raising me to be a very strong decisive person, because I think I would have remained in that dark, hell hole for a very long time had I not had the rationale to sort myself out. The psychologist suggested I be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for more intensive therapy. I was initially completely adverse to the idea. I had a misconceived idea that they were places for “loony drug addicts” and certainly not a ‘together’ person like me. But I was desperate. I wanted my life back. I wanted my self back. I wanted to continue my ‘merry little life’.

 

 

The two weeks I spent in the hospital was the best time I have ever invested in my life. For those of you who continue to believe that these institutions are for ‘mad’ people, I sincerely hope my story will open your eyes. I had intense therapy, group discussions, met wonderful people, and was able to overcome my emotional turmoil. Nobody knew I was there during that time. I had insisted I be admitted to a hospital far from my town to ensure my secret would be kept. I left that hospital a new, improved person, and ready to start my new life. It will always be the greatest turning point in my life; the day I left that hospital.

 

 

I flew to Cape Town two months after the incident to tell my parents. Being a close family, I had the idea that my parents were concerned about my behaviour and were worried about my weight loss and apathetic attitude. My parents were devastated that I never told them when it had happened, but my intention was never to hurt them. I merely wanted to deal with it myself until I was strong enough to deal with their emotions. I knew that at the time of the incident, I didn’t have answers to the questions they would be asking, and I knew I was not in an emotional state to deal with others’ emotions. I also wanted to protect them from seeing my hurt and my pain. I wanted to be sure that all my tests were clear and when I received the news that my HIV tests were clear, I knew I had to tell my parents. They were so supportive and handled it remarkably.

 

 

As far as legalities go, I know the name of this sick animal. I know what he does for living and I know where he lives. However as a result of my ‘trying to pretend it never happened’ I had erased important, crucial evidence which may have aided in convicting him. I was told by a legal professional that it would be best to move on and accept it, as without evidence, I had no case. I decided to focus on myself and my future. He knows what he has done, and karma has a way of finding you. The wheel will turn one day. He will get his just desserts.

 

 

I started my new life by leaving my job, opening my own business, and moving to a new home. I am living my dream life and am in a happier place than I have ever been. I am strong, confident and know that I will always be able to conquer any obstacle which may come my way. Life is full of obstacles… it is how we handle them that really counts. I accept now that I was not responsible for what happened, nor did I deserve or lure it. I am at peace with it all.

 

 

The most important advice I can give to anyone who might be or has been in this position before is to get help, and always remember, that you never asked for it. You never deserved it. It has nothing to do with the way you dressed, the way you danced, the way you look, the way you smiled. You never asked for it. You never deserved it. But you can choose to get over it.

[bentnotbroken]

((((Athena)))) you put into words what so many of know all to well.

[Athena]

((((Athena)))) you put into words what so many of know all to well.

 

Hi Bent,

 

Not my words -- I found that site via one of the other boards here on LS... they were talking about Rape statistics in South Africa and America with a link to

 

http://www.rape.co.za/index.php

 

I read the above story which I copy and pasted by someone called Ashlea, for PrttyMarie to read, because her story sounds a lot like the one copied from that site...