All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

How did things go last night? Did you find a card for her?

 

wow, it was nice to find a post asking about how i am doing, i appreciate that,this back and forth stuff is ridiculous.

 

last night went ok,i came home early and had dinner with the family and then we watched tv,me and w talked and layed together and then the strange ritual of her wanting to have sex with me happened,she actually seemed to get some sleep..

 

then this morning she woke up and layed next to me and then all of the sudden as i got ready to leave all hell broke loose and she was angry, crying and telling me she hated me,i also got a bit angry and between keeping the kids at bay we argued and talked and i stayed and talked and talked some more and finally calmed a little and i went to work.

 

as far as the card, i havent gotten it yet, im waiting for the right time, i dont want it to work in reverse.right now my words and actions are seemingly more important.

[Snowflower]

ETA: I get the sense from reading here that the "I told him/her I wasn't leaving" is cold comfort to a BS when there is proof the WS was in persistant pursuit of an OP. "Who pursued, who" does make a difference in terms of healing IME. Snowflower mentions it, my H mentions it. I'm calling wimpy, BS, premeditated safety valve catchphrase on that one and I'd be an even more insulted BS to hear it.

 

NS7 if your W is astute and savy, you may have to answer to why you kept coming back to your OP when she tried to stop.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

NS7, you will have to answer this question-to your wife and to yourself, why didn't YOU stop?

 

Eventually, as the dust settles and her thoughts become more clear, your wife will begin to want answers to these tough questions. She will also begin looking at your behavior over the last year (or whatever the duration of your latest affair was) and begin to look at it in a new context.

 

She (your wife) will begin to analyze if your words now ("but I told the OW I wasn't leaving you (my wife") will match your actions that up until recently, your wife might not have understood, i.e., unexplained absences, emotional withdrawals, etc.

 

As a FBS, it was by reassessing my husband's actions during his affair, which, like your wife, I didn't know about until later, that I could determine the truth in the words that he told me after d-day. I compared his actions then-since I finally had the real context-with what he was saying later. Then I could determine what was real and true.

 

Your wife will do this eventually, when she is ready emotionally.

 

Make sense?

[NOTSURE7]

I see this as both good and bad.

 

Bad because you got away with the other two for so long...even this one until it weighed on you so much. Successfully "getting away with it" once just means that you could be tempted to try to get away with it again.

 

Good, because you've NOW seen the devestation these affairs caused your wife...and hopefully seeing this is your "wake up call" for change.

 

I still say you've done the right thing, friend. Now that it is all out in the open...it can be dealt with.

 

yes the reason i wanted to clear that up was so you understand that i never admitted the fact i had a problem until now, remember when i first posted here,you can see i still wasnt ready to face the music and then i did, i told my W, knowing full well the devastation it would and has caused but i would never have broken my cycle and i realized that, i am dealing with the darkest time in my life but i am hoping there is a silver lining, i do not beleive i am a serial cheater and maybe by defintion yes but i beleive that i can change but i need help from my W,myself and a good mc and ic, i am doing all of these things now.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7, you will have to answer this question-to your wife and to yourself, why didn't YOU stop?

 

Eventually, as the dust settles and her thoughts become more clear, your wife will begin to want answers to these tough questions. She will also begin looking at your behavior over the last year (or whatever the duration of your latest affair was) and begin to look at it in a new context.

 

She (your wife) will begin to analyze if your words now ("but I told the OW I wasn't leaving you (my wife") will match your actions that up until recently, your wife might not have understood, i.e., unexplained absences, emotional withdrawals, etc.

 

As a FBS, it was by reassessing my husband's actions during his affair, which, like your wife, I didn't know about until later, that I could determine the truth in the words that he told me after d-day. I compared his actions then-since I finally had the real context-with what he was saying later. Then I could determine what was real and true.

 

Your wife will do this eventually, when she is ready emotionally.

 

Make sense?

 

i beleive she is already doing that to an extent. she is recognizing alot of things that were missing in me that she wrote off as work or stress, i too am asking her what needs i didnt meet to better try and change it, but with only 1 week since dday i have alot more to tackle.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

then this morning she woke up and layed next to me and then all of the sudden as i got ready to leave all hell broke loose and she was angry, crying and telling me she hated me,i also got a bit angry and between keeping the kids at bay we argued and talked and i stayed and talked and talked some more and finally calmed a little and i went to work.

Here's how this works. Your asking her to believe something she wants to believe more than life itself, yet her rational mind is telling her it can't be true. It can't possibly be both ways. You cannot love her and destroy her. That's why I couldn't sleep.

 

You spend the day trying to believe what you're being told, you try to block out the hurt, anger, pain. You hold onto what you want to believe then you go to sleep. The moment you gain consciousness it is a gut punch. Physically. BAM. Reality sets in... both things cannot be true.

 

The anger will get worse. Your wife needs IC too, to deal with her loss. I would say that if your MC actually agrees to see both of you without both of you being in IC, you've got the wrong counselor. Any therapist worth their weight will tell you that the people need to start their individual healing before the marriage can heal.

 

You know grieving someone who is dead is different because its final. Not less painful, but easier to accept. Trusting someone who has betrayed you for their own gain, is beyond difficult. You never know where the truth lies, and faith so far, as it turns out, has not been your friend.

 

Let go of the anger, it will not serve you well. Take a time out... whatever but do not show anger.

[NOTSURE7]

then this morning she woke up and layed next to me and then all of the sudden as i got ready to leave all hell broke loose and she was angry, crying and telling me she hated me,i also got a bit angry and between keeping the kids at bay we argued and talked and i stayed and talked and talked some more and finally calmed a little and i went to work.

 

Here's how this works. Your asking her to believe something she wants to believe more than life itself, yet her rational mind is telling her it can't be true. It can't possibly be both ways. You cannot love her and destroy her. That's why I couldn't sleep.

 

You spend the day trying to believe what you're being told, you try to block out the hurt, anger, pain. You hold onto what you want to believe then you go to sleep. The moment you gain consciousness it is a gut punch. Physically. BAM. Reality sets in... both things cannot be true.

 

The anger will get worse. Your wife needs IC too, to deal with her loss. I would say that if your MC actually agrees to see both of you without both of you being in IC, you've got the wrong counselor. Any therapist worth their weight will tell you that the people need to start their individual healing before the marriage can heal.

 

You know grieving someone who is dead is different because its final. Not less painful, but easier to accept. Trusting someone who has betrayed you for their own gain, is beyond difficult. You never know where the truth lies, and faith so far, as it turns out, has not been your friend.

 

Let go of the anger, it will not serve you well. Take a time out... whatever but do not show anger.

 

thank you for the insight.much appreciated

[IfWishesWereHorses]

i told my W, knowing full well the devastation it would and has caused but i would never have broken my cycle and i realized that,

 

Its possible that one could break the cycle without telling. You could have gotten IC, figured somethings out, and possibly broken the cycle.

 

You could NEVER however, repair your marriage to a "real" emotionally fullfilling union because YOU would never be right with it. YOU would always have it hanging over your head. You could spend the most wonderful evening or day imaginable with your spouse and it be missing the most important element. You would know the truth, so it could never be fulfilling for you. Never seem real.

 

The A is different, you didn't have that hanging over your head in your R with your OW because you both agreed to the A. You were both consorting toward the same end/goal. So the feelings in the A felt more real. I'm having trouble putting this into words but do you get my drift.

 

The only chance your marriage had at becoming a real R (not faking it as you have said in the past) was for you to tell.

[Owl]

Have you and your wife started marriage counseling yet?

[NOTSURE7]

she asked me this morning what i would write in my emails to the ow, i told her some of it and of course it hurt her,she said you never emailed me to tell me anything or to say you loved me or you were thinking of me.she told me aof a friend whos H does that all the time.my words and actions are the most important right now but

 

i just sent her an email saying this :

 

just wanted to say i love you and i miss you, i wish i could hold you and make it all better and take away the pain.

 

i promise my love for you is so strong and we will make our marriage stronger and better forever. I love You

 

so we will see, hopefully the computer wont be thrown out the window..

[NOTSURE7]

Have you and your wife started marriage counseling yet?

 

we have an appt in place..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

so we will see, hopefully the computer wont be thrown out the window..

 

:lmao:.... lol! Its definitely a possibility!

[NOTSURE7]

i told my W, knowing full well the devastation it would and has caused but i would never have broken my cycle and i realized that,

 

Its possible that one could break the cycle without telling. You could have gotten IC, figured somethings out, and possibly broken the cycle.

 

You could NEVER however, repair your marriage to a "real" emotionally fullfilling union because YOU would never be right with it. YOU would always have it hanging over your head. You could spend the most wonderful evening or day imaginable with your spouse and it be missing the most important element. You would know the truth, so it could never be fulfilling for you. Never seem real.

 

The A is different, you didn't have that hanging over your head in your R with your OW because you both agreed to the A. You were both consorting toward the same end/goal. So the feelings in the A felt more real. I'm having trouble putting this into words but do you get my drift.

 

The only chance your marriage had at becoming a real R (not faking it as you have said in the past) was for you to tell.

 

i keep telling myself this,when i get down or see her devastation and i feel that maybe i should have just gotten ic on my own, i tell myself again and again that this was the right thing to do.time will tell because it sure dosent feel like it right now

[NOTSURE7]

so this was the response to my email:

 

Thank you. It made me feel good to read this.

I love you

[IfWishesWereHorses]

time will tell because it sure dosent feel like it right now

 

Its the only way that YOU can ever be truly involved in and rebuild your marriage.

[NOTSURE7]

time will tell because it sure dosent feel like it right now

 

Its the only way that YOU can ever be truly involved in and rebuild your marriage.

 

you are 100% correct..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

NS, do you think it's possible that your wife will find this site? Is it likely that she will be searching the net for her own answers? I can't believe that reading what's been written here would be productive this early in her recovery.

[NOTSURE7]

NS, do you think it's possible that your wife will find this site? Is it likely that she will be searching the net for her own answers? I can't believe that reading what's been written here would be productive this early in her recovery.

 

no i dont think she would find this site, she is not like that.i wouldnt want her to read all of these posts right now anyway.

 

she is having a tough day today.yesterday was better, this sucks

[Snowflower]

no i dont think she would find this site, she is not like that.i wouldnt want her to read all of these posts right now anyway.

 

she is having a tough day today.yesterday was better, this sucks

 

 

NS7, please just go ahead and get used to her emotional rollercoaster. Your wife absolutely has to do this in order to heal.

 

She might even go through several different moods in a day or even an hour.

 

Just do the best you possible can to help her through.

 

I agree that I hope she doesn't find LS and recognize your posts. It might be helpful to her someday, but not right now--it would mostly likely be overwhelming and painful.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7, please just go ahead and get used to her emotional rollercoaster. Your wife absolutely has to do this in order to heal.

 

She might even go through several different moods in a day or even an hour.

 

Just do the best you possible can to help her through.

 

I agree that I hope she doesn't find LS and recognize your posts. It might be helpful to her someday, but not right now--it would mostly likely be overwhelming and painful.

 

i am seeing the emotional rollercoaster and i am doing the best i can to help her.its hard because i am also on an emotional rollercoaster but obviously nothing i am feeling compares to her.

[confusedinkansas]

i am seeing the emotional rollercoaster and i am doing the best i can to help her.its hard because i am also on an emotional rollercoaster but obviously nothing i am feeling compares to her.

 

I'm sure that's very much true. Does she know how badly you are hurting because of the pain you have caused?

I know that won't make anything different, heck she may not even care how badly you feel.

 

I was just wondering if she knew.

[NOTSURE7]

I'm sure that's very much true. Does she know how badly you are hurting because of the pain you have caused?

I know that won't make anything different, heck she may not even care how badly you feel.

 

I was just wondering if she knew.

 

yes she knows and i think she cares to some degree but really i cant expect much of a pity party...but its very apparent and i do tell her also what i am feeling inside..it can also be seen in my face and demeanor etc etc, in fact many others around me are asking me what is wrong just by looking and interacting with me they can see my hurt.

[Athena]

i keep telling myself this,when i get down or see her devastation and i feel that maybe i should have just gotten ic on my own, i tell myself again and again that this was the right thing to do.time will tell because it sure dosent feel like it right now

 

NS, another reason why it was best that you told your W everything, is that the intimacy will improve. The way it works is that if you hadn't told her about the affairs, you would always have to be on 'Alert' around her, to not give yourself up by mistake... a slip of the tongue, and you might give her an unwanted detail. A spouse that is keeping a big secret from their spouse, is constantly having to be Guarded. This is no way to be spontaneous, Real, and intimate.

 

Be glad you have nothing to hide from her.

 

Just like with your OW -- you hid nothing from her, and you marveled at how you 'could be yourself' with her... well, if you keep no big bad secrets from your wife, then you will be able to have a similar open and heart felt connection to her, just like in your affair partner.

 

Without telling your wife, this would not have been possible.

[NOTSURE7]

NS, another reason why it was best that you told your W everything, is that the intimacy will improve. The way it works is that if you hadn't told her about the affairs, you would always have to be on 'Alert' around her, to not give yourself up by mistake... a slip of the tongue, and you might give her an unwanted detail. A spouse that is keeping a big secret from their spouse, is constantly having to be Guarded. This is no way to be spontaneous, Real, and intimate.

 

Be glad you have nothing to hide from her.

 

Just like with your OW -- you hid nothing from her, and you marveled at how you 'could be yourself' with her... well, if you keep no big bad secrets from your wife, then you will be able to have a similar open and heart felt connection to her, just like in your affair partner.

 

Without telling your wife, this would not have been possible.

 

i understand that all,its just such a hard process and i am preparing myself for the longhaul.i feel like i am living in a black hole so its easy to second guess myself about whether i should have told her, but i did tell her so here i am..

 

its hard, i cant focus at work,she is suffering at home,the kids are suffering as a result without even knowing whats going on.mommy is crying all the time,she cant get it together,its just all so painful to watch and know that i did this.

 

i wish it would get better but i know the proccess is a long hard one.wow this is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

[Snowflower]

NS, another reason why it was best that you told your W everything, is that the intimacy will improve. The way it works is that if you hadn't told her about the affairs, you would always have to be on 'Alert' around her, to not give yourself up by mistake... a slip of the tongue, and you might give her an unwanted detail. A spouse that is keeping a big secret from their spouse, is constantly having to be Guarded. This is no way to be spontaneous, Real, and intimate.

 

Be glad you have nothing to hide from her.

 

Just like with your OW -- you hid nothing from her, and you marveled at how you 'could be yourself' with her... well, if you keep no big bad secrets from your wife, then you will be able to have a similar open and heart felt connection to her, just like in your affair partner.

 

Without telling your wife, this would not have been possible.

 

Nice post, Athena.

 

I hadn't thought of intimacy and honesty after a huge betrayal such as infidelity like how you have put it hear. But I think this is true.

 

NS7, by your account, you haven't been honest with your wife during your entire relationship. You weren't sure if she was the one you should have married, your 3 affairs, your gambling addiction, all were lies or forms of deceit.

 

Now, for the first time in your entire relationship, you have the chance to be honest and build real intimacy, just like Athena mentions above. You can be yourself around your wife, no need to be on guard, no need to worry. You can just relax and be yourself.

 

FWIW, my husband did this after 'fessing up and then when we later reconciled. Our situation is somewhat different from yours, but he described it as a feeling of total peace and clarity when he just allowed himself to be completely open and honest with me. He could just be himself with me and I learned that I could be myself with him. This was something that we learned was lacking during our entire relationship. And it is truly something special between us now.

 

IMO, this is why sometimes marriages stand a real chance at "making it" after an affair. It takes a lot of work but if real honesty and the spouses show their real selves to the other, real intimacy can develop. It does take a lot of work though.

[confusedinkansas]

Have you & your wife planned any nights out "date night"? Anything that could help to bring you a little closer? I know it feels like a black hole - but maybe a nice dinner & some vino - might be a nice thing to do. Something romantic.