All in My Head-Need it out

[confusedinkansas]

right now she is not asking and definetely not begging for more, i didnt give her the whole name, just the first name,i gave her were she lives,i told her how many kids she had, what car she drives,what she looked like,i gave her the email address if she wanted to email,she has a better shot of getting aresponse by email then to shout on a voicemail because ow wont pickup the phone.my wife is not a strong woman and all she really wants to do is stand up for herself,shes not looking to make a scene,but the ow will make a scene and she will make threats and i am not sure what she is capable of,so yes i have now gone into protection mode,i know i deserve whatever comes my way but i can at least try and protect .

 

Seems to me you've done EVERYTHING you can do short of a formal introduction.

Being in PROTECTION MODE is an EXCELLENT idea. Stay there. Your wife needs you to protect her should this other woman decide to get nasty.

My heart does go out to you. But trust when we all say - it does get better. Your wife will not always have this hanging over her - every waking hour. The pain subsides over time.

[Owl]

right now she is not asking and definetely not begging for more, i didnt give her the whole name, just the first name,i gave her were she lives,i told her how many kids she had, what car she drives,what she looked like,i gave her the email address if she wanted to email,she has a better shot of getting aresponse by email then to shout on a voicemail because ow wont pickup the phone.my wife is not a strong woman and all she really wants to do is stand up for herself,shes not looking to make a scene,but the ow will make a scene and she will make threats and i am not sure what she is capable of,so yes i have now gone into protection mode,i know i deserve whatever comes my way but i can at least try and protect .

 

OK...was your wife satisfied with this when you gave it to her, or did she ask for more information at that time or since then?

 

If she said that was all she wanted...great.

 

If she indicated she wanted more...you owe her more.

 

Whether she's asked for it or not since.

 

That simple.

 

Did you meet her requirements, or not?

[NOTSURE7]

Seems to me you've done EVERYTHING you can do short of a formal introduction.

Being in PROTECTION MODE is an EXCELLENT idea. Stay there. Your wife needs you to protect her should this other woman decide to get nasty.

My heart does go out to you. But trust when we all say - it does get better. Your wife will not always have this hanging over her - every waking hour. The pain subsides over time.

 

right now i feel i owe my wife alot,yes we had problems and those are being dealt with but i always wanted to protect her, unfortuantely i got caught up in selfish acts and played with fire but i can tell you now that i have revealed all and i realize the love i have and what i almost lost i will do what it takes to protect,this has nothing to do with the ow and everything to do with making sure my w can heal somehow and we can move forward in this long dark proccess..

[NOTSURE7]

OK...was your wife satisfied with this when you gave it to her, or did she ask for more information at that time or since then?

 

If she said that was all she wanted...great.

 

If she indicated she wanted more...you owe her more.

 

Whether she's asked for it or not since.

 

That simple.

 

Did you meet her requirements, or not?

 

the jury is still out on this one, she hasnt contacted her or emailed her so i dont know if i have met her requirements but i gave her what i thought was enough.

[Owl]

the jury is still out on this one, she hasnt contacted her or emailed her so i dont know if i have met her requirements but i gave her what i thought was enough.

 

Then ask.

 

Again...it's YOUR responsibility to help your wife through the devestation caused by your actions.

 

You said that you hadn't told your wife who the OW was...that's what led to this entire discussion. Then you say that you gave her a good amount of information...what made you say that you hadn't told your wife who the OW was if you'd given her all the information you mentioned?

[NOTSURE7]

so im going to get a card for her tonight as previously suggested, any thoughts on what i should write?, i am only closing in on a week post dday.

[NOTSURE7]

Then ask.

 

Again...it's YOUR responsibility to help your wife through the devestation caused by your actions.

 

You said that you hadn't told your wife who the OW was...that's what led to this entire discussion. Then you say that you gave her a good amount of information...what made you say that you hadn't told your wife who the OW was if you'd given her all the information you mentioned?

 

the reason i said that was because i didnt tell her who she exactly was but i gave her information about her, i consider that two different things.

[Owl]

I'll have to leave the contents of the card to the other posters here.

 

I firmly believe that you're doing this to prove to your wife that you do still love her...don't take me wrong. I just think that this early, your wife is going to doubt the truthfulness of the card just yet.

 

I'd suggest you wait a bit on the card...let your actions speak for you right now rather than the card.

 

But others are in favor of this...they might be onto something that I'm not.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Something heartfelt from you to her. Make it about the future, not the past. How 'bout picking up her favorite treat as well... might encourage her to eat?

 

Good luck, NS.

[Owl]

the reason i said that was because i didnt tell her who she exactly was but i gave her information about her, i consider that two different things.

 

Which did your wife ask for?

[NOTSURE7]

I'll have to leave the contents of the card to the other posters here.

 

I firmly believe that you're doing this to prove to your wife that you do still love her...don't take me wrong. I just think that this early, your wife is going to doubt the truthfulness of the card just yet.

 

I'd suggest you wait a bit on the card...let your actions speak for you right now rather than the card.

 

But others are in favor of this...they might be onto something that I'm not.

 

the card idea only came up as a result of her ripping my anniversary card to shreds.i thought it might be a nice idea to say i had a new card for her.

[Athena]

For me, just being given a name of OW was enough... and I didn't 'out' any of those OW who were involved in a M or a R, to their SO.

I needed to know who they were, but this recent A -- all I got was a first name, actually, lol -- H told me her 'English' name, but I figured out from his foreign cell phone address book WHO it was (with the foreign name of OW) and called that number... she didn't pick up (it was from his cell phone I called, lol,) but I then figured out who her friends must be (wouldn't I make a great detective?) and called the friend, who insisted the Affair was finished... and then said it wasn't my H's first affair there... (yeah, I knew this, he finds these gems at bars...)

 

So -- Notsure... I personally think your W might be okay with just the info you gave her, but as Owl and others have said, IF she asks for more info, Give It Up... but warn her about OW's threats.

 

Personally, I doubt OW's H will come shoot you unless he is a weak man. Is he physically strong? Has he got any status in the community? Or is he nothing much at all and his ego will be threatened...?

 

Chin Up Notsure... you have done right by yourself, your W, your M, and your family... carry on... we are all here right by your side.

[Athena]

the card idea only came up as a result of her ripping my anniversary card to shreds.i thought it might be a nice idea to say i had a new card for her.

 

Yeah, put down your hopes for your Future, and of course, tell her you regret what you did -- you wish you could erase what you did, you are sorry for hurting her, and you will do whatever it takes to put things right.

[NOTSURE7]

Yeah, put down your hopes for your Future, and of course, tell her you regret what you did -- you wish you could erase what you did, you are sorry for hurting her, and you will do whatever it takes to put things right.

 

i have said this a million times already without the card..

[NOTSURE7]

right now i am feeling that pain again sitting here at work, i called w and i can hear in her voice she has been crying but she is trying so hard to talk to me and be normal.i keep getting that feeling of regret for revealing this A and only wishing i could have just stopped on my own but i know that it was the only way i would have stopped my cycle and i am hoping that although i can see it now this will have a silver lining..

 

this is just so tough and i think most dont realize that a wh who actually cares and loves goes through alot of emotions too.i have been all over the place with emotion.

[PhoenixRise]

i have said this a million times already without the card..

 

tell her again.

 

tell her that you know you took her for granted but you love her to death. tell her how important she and your family are to you and that you will do whatever it takes to make things better than they ever were before. tell her that you are comitted to being the kind of man she deserves.

[NOTSURE7]

i also think that when i first began to reveal the A to my w i was open and honest because my thought process was that i would leave her or she would ask me to leave, after we spoke for hours i realized that wasnt what i wanted and she never even made it an option on her end.

 

so i said some really bad things but i guess they were on my mind, so i guess my regret in revealing the A is now maybe that i only did it because i was going to leave but now that i am staying and commited to my w and m that maybe i shouldnt have revealed the A. but i also know that had i not either my current A would have continued or there probably would have been another in the future.

 

Again i know its been revealed and its irrelevant at this point but i was more just seeing if anyone ever went through this emotion and can maybe help me through.

 

i am in so much pain and i cant even imagine my w's pain..

[NOTSURE7]

tell her again.

 

tell her that you know you took her for granted but you love her to death. tell her how important she and your family are to you and that you will do whatever it takes to make things better than they ever were before. tell her that you are comitted to being the kind of man she deserves.

 

i will, thank you

[Athena]

right now i am feeling that pain again sitting here at work, i called w and i can hear in her voice she has been crying but she is trying so hard to talk to me and be normal.i keep getting that feeling of regret for revealing this A and only wishing i could have just stopped on my own but i know that it was the only way i would have stopped my cycle and i am hoping that although i can see it now this will have a silver lining..

 

this is just so tough and i think most dont realize that a wh who actually cares and loves goes through alot of emotions too.i have been all over the place with emotion.

 

If you didn't tell her all about your affairs, and you thought it was the same thing by just quitting affairs cold turkey, you STILL would be left with the empty feeling in yourself, not ever knowing that you truly do love your W (remember it took the pain and hurt reaction of your W for you to SEE that you STILL loved her, and you would have not had that had you not come clean to her...), and not feeling like you could ever find your personal integrity again... it was not going to ever be enough -- just to quit the affairs --

[Athena]

so im going to get a card for her tonight as previously suggested, any thoughts on what i should write?, i am only closing in on a week post dday.

 

Notsure, go check out my thread "I wrote a letter to my Love" again, since last night I posted three emails from my H from one year ago, after D-day... he does write well, and at the time a lot of what he had written touched my heart, heck -- even reading them over last night made me cry all over again... so go check out what my H wrote to me, and if something resonates with you, borrow it...

[NOTSURE7]

If you didn't tell her all about your affairs, and you thought it was the same thing by just quitting affairs cold turkey, you STILL would be left with the empty feeling in yourself, not ever knowing that you truly do love your W (remember it took the pain and hurt reaction of your W for you to SEE that you STILL loved her, and you would have not had that had you not come clean to her...), and not feeling like you could ever find your personal integrity again... it was not going to ever be enough -- just to quit the affairs --

 

i guess your right, i have the vision in my mind of her face and how hurt she is and i can never do this again.

[Spark1111]

This is a "mind game"....a lot of people in affairs play. It's so that YOU aren't the guilty party if the other person chooses to leave their spouses....It's then not on your shoulders as the "HOME WRECKER" because you said all along........"Just an affair" / "Talk to your wife" / "work on your marriage" / Etc.

 

CIK, this was my scenario and reading your post I would like to start a new thread on it as I just had an AHA! lightbulb going off moment.

 

As someone who is trying to reconcile with a real "artful dodger" when it came to disclosing the details, consider this: You are still trying to protect yourself from the fallout of the affair when you refuse to disclose all the truth. They call this "trickle truth" and it is very difficult to heal from because you are still, not only protecting yourself, you are protecting your affair partner AND shielding your wife from the consequences of the pain you know she will feel from your actions.

 

Imagine this: I read of a couple where the BS demanded a sit down with the OW with her husband there so she could stop obsessing about the OW. The WH arranged it to help his wife heal.

 

Would you be willing to do THAT for your wife if that is what she needed when you can't provide the last name?

[Athena]

i also think that when i first began to reveal the A to my w i was open and honest because my thought process was that i would leave her or she would ask me to leave, after we spoke for hours i realized that wasnt what i wanted and she never even made it an option on her end.

so i said some really bad things but i guess they were on my mind, so i guess my regret in revealing the A is now maybe that i only did it because i was going to leave but now that i am staying and commited to my w and m that maybe i shouldnt have revealed the A. but i also know that had i not either my current A would have continued or there probably would have been another in the future.

 

Again i know its been revealed and its irrelevant at this point but i was more just seeing if anyone ever went through this emotion and can maybe help me through.

 

i am in so much pain and i cant even imagine my w's pain..

 

No, it's probably the best thing you ever did NS7 -- you being open and honest for a change with your W, instead of always giving yourself a script to follow, putting on an 'act' of how you perceive you should be acting, doing, saying. I am glad you spoke to your W so bluntly! It's the first honest thing you've done with her for years...

 

Now quit second-guessing yourself, and continue to 'speak your mind' when it comes up... tell her what you don't like. Heck, even tell her when you are feeling frustrated and mad at her constant questioning, that you FEEL like that, and ask her for a five minute time-out, or to postpone it to the next day, or even if you continue to answer her questions for the next couple of hours, just speak your Truths.

[Athena]

i guess your right, i have the vision in my mind of her face and how hurt she is and i can never do this again.

 

That's good.

Since you had several affairs in the past because you wanted them, at least now you have the best deterrent of all -- not ever wanting to see the hurt and pain on your W's face, and knowing you were the willing cause of it!

[confusedinkansas]

NS - Does she know about the other affairs. A few posters here are using the word affair - plural. Does she know there was more than one?