taylor Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm giving him credit for confessing the affair to his wife, make no mistake. But, I'm NOT going to cheer him on when he's still deliberately witholding information that she's asked for and he knows that she needs in order to rebuild her trust in him. His wife asked...and he should have told her THEN. Remember, I've been through this on his wife's side. I know what he's going to need to do to rebuild that trust...and I've seen what happens (and lived through for a short time) what it's like NOT to get that full truth. You feel that people are too quick to jump on someone and force changes...I suspect that many feel that you're too quick to let someone ignore important changes that need to happen in order to truly reconcile their marriage. Agree 100 percent! And I have walked in this OP's shoes as a wayward. I KNOW what he is doing right and what he is doing wrong. I've been there. He is fooling himself and his wife if he thinks he is doing all he can to reconcile his marriage. Like OWL said, Bull****. This WS is deliberately withholding vital information his wife NEEDS and is BEGGING FOR so that SHE can HEAL....and he is doing it for totally selfish, cowardly reasons.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm curious, why did you come to HATE your OM? Did you feel in love with him prior to D-day? Why the switch? I don't hate him now. We actually became friends & hung out during my separation (briefly) - I did believe, during the affair I was in love with him. Perhaps hating HIM isn't exactly the right words in the right context - HATING what happened WITH him is closer to reality .
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i agree with you, as soon as i went nc she turned into an animal,i never promised her anything and she knew full well i was never going to leave my w,now she feels that her precious life will be threatned and she might be embarrased around town and she is throwing threats out there.but again i have to take them seriously and i am doing what i can to protect, if my w needs to know and we cant move forward then i will be left with no choice but for now i am trying to just move me and the w forward in this long sad proccess.. No mystery then why it feels like all this love you thought you had for OW was a sham. Yikes. If nothing else, maybe the fact that she's showing you some real ugly colors will help keep you away from her. Best of luck to you.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Notsure I give you a tremendous amount of credit for telling the truth about the affair. I know it was hard for you and I believe it took a lot of courage to do so. You have done and are doing the hardest work you have ever HAD to do in your life. You have said you want your marriage and you love your wife and you want to make things right. I believe you. The problme is, I and many other posters see a huge ditch you are digging for yourself that you (going through all the pain and emotion) can't see. If you have a concern about violence from the OW husband, tell your wife this. She is honoring your request that she not tell everyone about the affair. Trust her with this information. Explain to her why you didn't want to tell her. i told her about this fear, she knows full well what the fear is..i am trying here,this is not a snowjob by me, this is me trying to heal my m, i go home early every night,we talk until late night, i hold her,i answer questions, i ask her to tell me whatever she is thinking,if she cries i hold her, i call her all day long to let her know i am thinking of her and that if she needs anything to call..but right now i truly am hoping the ow issue goes away,if it dosent i will handle it.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I don't hate him now. We actually became friends & hung out during my separation (briefly) - I did believe, during the affair I was in love with him. Perhaps hating HIM isn't exactly the right words in the right context - HATING what happened WITH him is closer to reality . Makes sense. Genuine regret.
taylor Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm sorry, how is this venom helping? Pointing out things to help him is great, but nothing about this suggests a desire to be helpful. RE-LAX. I call them like I see them. He is fickle...if his feelings for another person can vanish "overnight." If you think these are venomous words, you haven't been on this forum long enough.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 but again i have to take them seriously and i am doing what i can to protect, EXACTLY....No matter what threats she throws at you (& having a gun is pretty serious) You must take them seriously. You never know when someone will snap.
taylor Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 hurt two women...one you are married to and one you pursued to have a fling with. His OW was also married and completely aware of what she was doing. If she was hurt by this it was by her own choice. She didn't CHOOSE to get hurt. She chose to take a risk putting her heart on the line for this man. His wife did the same thing. She chose to take a risk by putting her heart on the line for this man. She didn't CHOOSE to get hurt any more than the OW did. But in the end, both wife and lover got hurt by this man.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 No mystery then why it feels like all this love you thought you had for OW was a sham. Yikes. If nothing else, maybe the fact that she's showing you some real ugly colors will help keep you away from her. Best of luck to you. no mystery at all,she was always telling me to talk to my w and work on my marriage and then bam i did it and it all changed,she is out of my life forever thats for sure.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm curious - When posters here say TELL YOUR WIFE WHO THE OTHER WOMAN IS....He said he gave her a first name. What else do you want him to do? Drive his wife by her house? Take her to the other woman's place of business & introduce them? What more do you want from him when you say TELL HER WHO SHE IS?
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I still suggest that you tell your wife. I'd suggest that you sit her down first...and that you clearly explain what OW said (the threat to you and your wife), and let your wife know this is why you didn't want to say anything. But you realize that you need to tell in order for her to heal. Tell her, but make sure she understands the risks of going to OW or her H. Ask your wife to tell you when/if she decides to go to them...not because you want to stop her, but so that you can prepare to defend yourself and your wife if he does come after the two of you. That might well involve taking the email from OW to the police and asking for an RO as well. I get that there's a threat...so include your wife in the process of dealing with the threat, rather than tell her that she has no say in what happens.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 She didn't CHOOSE to get hurt. She chose to take a risk putting her heart on the line for this man. :lmao: That's kind of like saying, I didn't choose to lose the rent money... I chose to risk it by betting on my favorite team. 6 of 1, half dozen of the other.
PhoenixRise Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 no mystery at all,she was always telling me to talk to my w and work on my marriage and then bam i did it and it all changed,she is out of my life forever thats for sure. She is afraid that she is about to be exposed and she is pulling out all the stops to make sure her husband doesn't find out about the affair and leave her.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm curious - When posters here say TELL YOUR WIFE WHO THE OTHER WOMAN IS....He said he gave her a first name. What else do you want him to do? Drive his wife by her house? Take her to the other woman's place of business & introduce them? What more do you want from him when you say TELL HER WHO SHE IS? This is a GOOD question, even if it is phrased the way it is. He gave her that much information...I'm curious if his wife asked for more than this, or if she was satisfied with this much information? If she was satisfied...then you're right...the need for honesty has been met. If she was not satisfied, and asked for her whole name/etc...then no, he's not done yet. Good question.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 She didn't CHOOSE to get hurt. She chose to take a risk putting her heart on the line for this man. His wife did the same thing. She chose to take a risk by putting her heart on the line for this man. She didn't CHOOSE to get hurt any more than the OW did. But in the end, both wife and lover got hurt by this man. yes you are right they both did get hurt by me. but the ow knew full well what she was doing,she is married with 3 kids and an h, she knew and said repeaedly that i would never leave my w, i never gave her any indication that i would.never ever did i promise that. now she is hurt but frankly i dont care about the ow feelings right now, i have enough to say grace over with the devastation i have caused my w. taylor- i have to assume you have been hurt in the past and i am sorry for that
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 no mystery at all,she was always telling me to talk to my w and work on my marriage and then bam i did it and it all changed,she is out of my life forever thats for sure. This is a "mind game"....a lot of people in affairs play. It's so that YOU aren't the guilty party if the other person chooses to leave their spouses....It's then not on your shoulders as the "HOME WRECKER" because you said all along........"Just an affair" / "Talk to your wife" / "work on your marriage" / Etc.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 no mystery at all,she was always telling me to talk to my w and work on my marriage and then bam i did it and it all changed,she is out of my life forever thats for sure. Yeah, it sounds more and more like her telling you to work on your M was her way of insisting that you not pressure her to deal with her M. My xMM did that when I was still married. Its a way to ensure that no one changes the dynamic so she can keep having her cake and eating it too. Yuck!
taylor Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Maybe she doesn't. Maybe his W finds it easier to deal with not having a face to place with the OW. It's her process. Let her navigate as she sees fit. Some BS need to know every intimate detail of the sex, some do not. I think NS7 is doing the right thing letting her guide the process at this point. He isn't letting her guide the process. He is guiding the process. She begged him for the OW's identity and he refused to tell her. She begged him several times. She WANTED to know. That was part of her "process" and he denied her that. Now, she has stopped begging..not because she no longer wants to know...probably more likely out of frustration and stress. She will ask again. And who says she wants a face to face. Perhaps all she wants is THE NAME...is it her best friend? Is it his best friend's wife? Or was it some strange woman he picked up in a bar? It may make a difference to her whether it's someone SHE knows or someone she doesn't know. She deserves to know so that she can make an informed decision about where she wants to go with this marriage.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I think I might have missed a post somewhere here........NS - Does the other woman know that your wife is fully aware of the affair?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 This is a GOOD question, even if it is phrased the way it is. He gave her that much information...I'm curious if his wife asked for more than this, or if she was satisfied with this much information? If she was satisfied...then you're right...the need for honesty has been met. If she was not satisfied, and asked for her whole name/etc...then no, he's not done yet. Good question. right now she is not asking and definetely not begging for more, i didnt give her the whole name, just the first name,i gave her were she lives,i told her how many kids she had, what car she drives,what she looked like,i gave her the email address if she wanted to email,she has a better shot of getting aresponse by email then to shout on a voicemail because ow wont pickup the phone.my wife is not a strong woman and all she really wants to do is stand up for herself,shes not looking to make a scene,but the ow will make a scene and she will make threats and i am not sure what she is capable of,so yes i have now gone into protection mode,i know i deserve whatever comes my way but i can at least try and protect .
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 This is a "mind game"....a lot of people in affairs play. It's so that YOU aren't the guilty party if the other person chooses to leave their spouses....It's then not on your shoulders as the "HOME WRECKER" because you said all along........"Just an affair" / "Talk to your wife" / "work on your marriage" / Etc. yes she always said she wouldnt want me to resent her and she always wanted me to talk to my w,work on my m but then when i did she turned into the how could you,how could you ruin us and became vindictive.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I think I might have missed a post somewhere here........NS - Does the other woman know that your wife is fully aware of the affair? yes the ow fully knows..she also knows i am done with her.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 yes she always said she wouldnt want me to resent her and she always wanted me to talk to my w,work on my m but then when i did she turned into the how could you,how could you ruin us and became vindictive. Well apparently her version of wanting you to work on your M didn't involve disclosing the A.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 He isn't letting her guide the process. He is guiding the process. She begged him for the OW's identity and he refused to tell her. She begged him several times. She WANTED to know. That was part of her "process" and he denied her that. Now, she has stopped begging..not because she no longer wants to know...probably more likely out of frustration and stress. She will ask again. And who says she wants a face to face. Perhaps all she wants is THE NAME...is it her best friend? Is it his best friend's wife? Or was it some strange woman he picked up in a bar? It may make a difference to her whether it's someone SHE knows or someone she doesn't know. She deserves to know so that she can make an informed decision about where she wants to go with this marriage. i told her her first name and i told her how i met her, she knows its nobody she knows.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Well apparently her version of wanting you to work on your M didn't involve disclosing the A. i guess not
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