Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I agree with you here misty....For crying out loud people - This guy can't catch one break here. First you tell him to confess to his wife - He does that & now you want to pick apart everything else in the process. Is nothing he is doing now good enough? This pain he's in the middle of right now takes time to get thru. You can't heal the entire marriage & solve EVERY problem in one week. He's also said his wife hasn't asked about the other woman for a few days now. Let her have some peace too to work thru this. Give him SOME credit! I'm giving him credit for confessing the affair to his wife, make no mistake. But, I'm NOT going to cheer him on when he's still deliberately witholding information that she's asked for and he knows that she needs in order to rebuild her trust in him. His wife asked...and he should have told her THEN. Remember, I've been through this on his wife's side. I know what he's going to need to do to rebuild that trust...and I've seen what happens (and lived through for a short time) what it's like NOT to get that full truth. You feel that people are too quick to jump on someone and force changes...I suspect that many feel that you're too quick to let someone ignore important changes that need to happen in order to truly reconcile their marriage.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 He's still not being totally honest about everything with his wife. He's still hiding information she needs to know. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe his W finds it easier to deal with not having a face to place with the OW. It's her process. Let her navigate as she sees fit. Some BS need to know every intimate detail of the sex, some do not. I think NS7 is doing the right thing letting her guide the process at this point.
PhoenixRise Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 If you know that your wife NEEDS to know who the OW was in order to heal... ...why on Earth are you going to wait until she BEGS you again before you tell her??? What does this gain you? NOTHING AT ALL What could it cost you? EVERYTHING YOU'RE FIGHTING TO SAVE Knock off the bull***** games man. Seriously...knock it off. Grow up a little bit here. You're acting very childlishly by playing these kinds of mind games with her, and with yourself. You know she needs the information. You know that you're going to have to be honest about EVERYTHING if you want to have a chance to save your marriage. But you want to KEEP trying to dodging telling the full truth. Seriously...either stop, or give up on reconciliation. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALL YOUR WAY. This is about FIXING the damage you've done...NOT HIDING IT. Owl is right about this Notsure You cleared a huge hurdle when you confessed the affair. You took a huge step toward being an honest man and gave yourself a shot at having a truly intimate and honest marriage. The kind of marriage it seems that you were longing for. I think what you DON'T understand is that---the things you might consider "the little hurdles" can keep you from winning this race. That one bout of honesty is not enough to sustain your marriage. It was a great start, but if you are going to go back to concealing things because it is convieniant to YOU, you will kill any chance of a reconciliation with your wife. You need to establish a consistant habit of openness and honesty with your wife this means you don't keep any secrets. Your actions devestated your wife to the point where she can't eat or sleep and yet she still WANTS to love and believe in you. Right now, she is willing to put her heart on the line and try to rebuild a life with you. But you are still putting what you feel is best for YOU ahead of what you KNOW she needs. Are you going to be a man who is worthy of her love and forgiveness or not? Put her needs first Notsure and you be a man who accepts the consequences of your actions, even if it means you have to face the OW's Husband. You will respect yourself more if you face up to this and you will probaly gain respect in your wife's eyes too. Don't negate all the progress you have made by sliping backing into the habit of chosing what is easy over what is right.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Misty, trust me on this. It WILL eat at her...for years if she doesn't find out who it was. Every time he goes out, she's going to wonder if he's meeting with the OW. Every woman she meets, every woman he mentions in passing...will remain "suspect" in her eyes. She won't rebuild her trust in him...she can't, when she knows that he very well COULD be spending everyday with the OW right in front of her eyes, and she wouldn't know. She's ASKED for it. Right now, she's not asked in the last two days because she's bouncing all over the place. But this has NOT gone away. It is CRITICAL for the WS to give complete, total honesty to the BS. Anything less will set the stage for recovery to fail...AND...set the stage for the WS to resume the affair underground. I've seen more stories than I can count where this kind of stuff was held back...I've never seen one of those recover.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Misty, trust me on this. It WILL eat at her...for years if she doesn't find out who it was. Every time he goes out, she's going to wonder if he's meeting with the OW. Every woman she meets, every woman he mentions in passing...will remain "suspect" in her eyes. She won't rebuild her trust in him...she can't, when she knows that he very well COULD be spending everyday with the OW right in front of her eyes, and she wouldn't know. She's ASKED for it. Right now, she's not asked in the last two days because she's bouncing all over the place. But this has NOT gone away. It is CRITICAL for the WS to give complete, total honesty to the BS. Anything less will set the stage for recovery to fail...AND...set the stage for the WS to resume the affair underground. I've seen more stories than I can count where this kind of stuff was held back...I've never seen one of those recover. Don't get me wrong I agree with you on that, but at this point, I don't think he needs to go storming in there with a name right now. She will ask again, I am sure of that, and he can tell her then, now that she is more prepapred for the answer.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS7, Don't withold going forward but since W has backed off there may be a reason. So if she approaches again, just give it to her. Let her control the flow of info, I wouldn't force it on her. But I have a womanly instinct, this question "ain't" going nowhere. But to the rest of the folks and this doesn't relate to NS7, what if the OW is really better looking or a better match for the WH. I have to imagine that "sometimes" this has to be the case and what woman would want to know that?
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 But if he calmly, quietly, remorsefully goes to her and apologizes for not telling her the truth the first time she asked, and tells her: "Honey, I'm sorry I was honest at first. I guess I was just trying to avoid any kind of additional trouble this might bring about, but I know that you need to get FULL honesty from me going forward if we want to have a chance to make it through this. It was (ScoobyDoo?)." That's not storming in. That's fixing a wrong.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 i signed on just now hoping for more support, my heart is hurting and i am going through the darkest time in my life, i am not looking for pity but more for support and advice,i have a pit in my stomach,i feel my w's pain,i realize what i have done, i went full nc with the ow,i sometimes feel like i want to die but know i cant do that, if i could take my past back i would in a second, if i could take my w's pain away i would,i chose to reveal myself because i needed to heal as a person and be honest for once in my life,i knew full well when i disclosed that i would be living in a black hole and boy am i there now. yet i come on and i get blasted with people who are angry with me,angry because my main thoughts are not with revealing the ow,yes i should have thought about the ow's husband back then but i also should have thought of alot of things back then.the ow had said back then that her h has a gun and would maybe use it, i am scared of that, call me a coward or whatever you need too but its a genuine fear for me. so i choose not to reveal because i dont want that,i also think that things need to be fixed between me and my w,the ow has nothing to offer except a feeling of justice,my w dosent know the ow,they dont go to same school, i am just trying to move my long healing proccess forward and thats all..i want no part of the ow and in fact i hate her for being a part of what i have done, beleive what you will but please help me here without yelling at me, i am at a very weak sad time in my life. i give my wife every detail she wants,every damn graphic detail,as hard as it was to watch her face i still did it,i have been honest,open, i have been there for her,i even ask her what she is thinking,knowing full well i will receive the blunt of a question.i want so badly for her not to be hurt and our m to survive, i am doing everything in my power.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Remember, I've been through this on his wife's side. I know what he's going to need to do to rebuild that trust...and I've seen what happens (and lived through for a short time) what it's like NOT to get that full truth. Owl, Your situation was a tad different in my mind as compared to what NS's BS is going through now. As much as your wife refused to acknowledge it at the time, her AP was someone she had never met (If my memory serves me, which isn't often) and more of a fantasy. Had you found out that there had been a physical & emotional (in person) affair that had gone on for years, you would have probably been less able to act intelligently. I truly think that she needs time to digest the two separately, without too much time in between. I'm not at all discounting what you went through, so know that, please.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS7, Don't withold going forward but since W has backed off there may be a reason. So if she approaches again, just give it to her. Let her control the flow of info, I wouldn't force it on her. But I have a womanly instinct, this question "ain't" going nowhere. But to the rest of the folks and this doesn't relate to NS7, what if the OW is really better looking or a better match for the WH. I have to imagine that "sometimes" this has to be the case and what woman would want to know that? But again...she ASKED to know. He refused to tell her. Perhaps he should approach his wife, and ask her if she still wants to know?
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Remember, I've been through this on his wife's side. I know what he's going to need to do to rebuild that trust...and I've seen what happens (and lived through for a short time) what it's like NOT to get that full truth. Owl, Your situation was a tad different in my mind as compared to what NS's BS is going through now. As much as your wife refused to acknowledge it at the time, her AP was someone she had never met (If my memory serves me, which isn't often) and more of a fantasy. Had you found out that there had been a physical & emotional (in person) affair that had gone on for years, you would have probably been less able to act intelligently. I truly think that she needs time to digest the two separately, without too much time in between. I'm not at all discounting what you went through, so know that, please. You're right to a degree, but here's a thought. Assume she never told me. (Not that she needed to, I knew full well. Heck, two days after d-day, I knew more about him than she ever did! LOL!!!) Every man in our lives would have been suspect. Heck, we'd discussed meeting this guy in person...with our kids...at an event halfway between homes. Had she not told me, had I not known...had I known that she refused to be completely honest with me...reconciliation would have NEVER happened.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS7, But to the rest of the folks and this doesn't relate to NS7, what if the OW is really better looking or a better match for the WH. I have to imagine that "sometimes" this has to be the case and what woman would want to know that? Exactly. It's almost a paralell process that Ow's and BW's have I think. I became obessed with knowing more about the W just as she became obessed with knowing all there is to know about me. She'd ask the kids "Please tell me I'm prettier than her" (meaning me). The two of us drove ourselves insane comparing ourselves to the other. Even now, BW has cozied up to my xH's family and constantly reports back things she believes should diminish me in xMM's eyes. Instead of focusing on fixing the M, she is distracted by trying to find some way to prove that I am a terrible person so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. Truly, it's similar to the reason I dug around about her -because I needed to not feel like crap about the fact that he didn't cut the cord with her after moving out. Anyway, my point is that finding out about the A was a big enough pill to swallow. I understand NS7 feeling like that whole issue needed to be saved for another time. When his W is ready to know, she will ask, and it sounds like he will tell her.
PhoenixRise Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I loved the way you phrased that, PR. Thanks Owl I am really hoping Notsure is able to come out of all of this a better man with a much stronger and better marriage if that is what he wants.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Anyway, my point is that finding out about the A was a big enough pill to swallow. I understand NS7 feeling like that whole issue needed to be saved for another time. When his W is ready to know, she will ask, and it sounds like he will tell her. She's already asked!!! It's not NS7's place to tell her what she can and cannot know!!!!! It's HIS WIFE who determines that...and she's already asked and been denied!!! If she hadn't asked, I'd almost agree with you. But that's not the case here at all. She's asked, he refused to answer, and she's forced to deal with things as they stand right now.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 yet i come on and i get blasted with people who are angry with me,angry because my main thoughts are not with revealing the ow, so i choose not to reveal because i dont want that,i also think that things need to be fixed between me and my w,the ow has nothing to offer except a feeling of justice, i am just trying to move my long healing proccess forward and thats all..i want no part of the ow and in fact i hate her for being a part of what i have done, beleive what you will but please help me here without yelling at me, i am at a very weak sad time in my life. NS - This is the part in the LS "healing" where quite a few will bash the decisions you make from here on out. I know you thought it was bad before...Now, nothing you say will make some of them happy. I totally know what you are feeling right now. I HATED my OM after my affair was revealed. My husband did not ask for details right away - it came over the course of a few months. But there was no crying, yelling, threats, nothing like that....He would just ask questions periodically & I'd answer them. YOU need to take care of your wife now & yourself. Don't worry about the other woman - her day will come. And if your wife should want to know who she is (if she asks again) tell her. But you should also probably advise her that you fear her safety if she should contact her because of what you already know about her husband. And, THAT is a real fear. Putting your wife in harms way is obviously not a good idea. Letting the other woman & her family into your marriage again during a healing process I don't think is a good idea.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 listen i know this is a hot topic here, but right now my w seems ok with not knowing, i gave her a first name,i told her where she lived,i offered her the email address if she wanted to email her, i gave her every detail as to how this ow pertains to me.i know she will ask again and i am sure it hasnt died but right now my fear of her h,which by the way in the ow email to me in response to my nc letter that i didnt respond back too her, she already indicated that if my w confronts her that it will be hell to pay and she would unleash her h on me,yes a threat and one i have to take seriously, i know you have all seen it all and i know you think i am a cheater and withholding to protect or be selfish but this is a genuine fear for both my w and me, i am truly just trying to move me and my w forward and i am honest about everything and anything she asks me.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Every man in our lives would have been suspect. Heck, we'd discussed meeting this guy in person...with our kids...at an event halfway between homes. Had she not told me, had I not known...had I known that she refused to be completely honest with me...reconciliation would have NEVER happened. :lmao::lmao:You're talking to someone who followed complete strangers around stores, did u-turns in the middle of the road, and more... because a few stats that I did know matched about that person. I'm with you on this, I just think she needs time to digest the A and the other infidelities. Also time to think with a clear head about her actions and their consequences.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Exactly. It's almost a paralell process that Ow's and BW's have I think. I became obessed with knowing more about the W just as she became obessed with knowing all there is to know about me. She'd ask the kids "Please tell me I'm prettier than her" (meaning me). The two of us drove ourselves insane comparing ourselves to the other. Even now, BW has cozied up to my xH's family and constantly reports back things she believes should diminish me in xMM's eyes. Instead of focusing on fixing the M, she is distracted by trying to find some way to prove that I am a terrible person so she doesn't feel so bad about herself. Truly, it's similar to the reason I dug around about her -because I needed to not feel like crap about the fact that he didn't cut the cord with her after moving out. Anyway, my point is that finding out about the A was a big enough pill to swallow. I understand NS7 feeling like that whole issue needed to be saved for another time. When his W is ready to know, she will ask, and it sounds like he will tell her. Owl, This isn't a perfect process always. I think NSs W will get her info when she asks again. NS7, Regardless of guns, you knew this when you were involved, yet you kept going. You put your family at risk the moment you stepped out. The only thing you can do is go forward with integrity. Take care of your W, etc. If these posts get to be too much STOP READING them. Get to a Pastor ASAP, you need comfort and strength right now.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS - This is the part in the LS "healing" where quite a few will bash the decisions you make from here on out. I know you thought it was bad before...Now, nothing you say will make some of them happy. I totally know what you are feeling right now. I HATED my OM after my affair was revealed. My husband did not ask for details right away - it came over the course of a few months. But there was no crying, yelling, threats, nothing like that....He would just ask questions periodically & I'd answer them. YOU need to take care of your wife now & yourself. Don't worry about the other woman - her day will come. And if your wife should want to know who she is (if she asks again) tell her. But you should also probably advise her that you fear her safety if she should contact her because of what you already know about her husband. And, THAT is a real fear. Putting your wife in harms way is obviously not a good idea. Letting the other woman & her family into your marriage again during a healing process I don't think is a good idea. I'm curious, why did you come to HATE your OM? Did you feel in love with him prior to D-day? Why the switch?
Snowflower Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 but right now my fear of her h,which by the way in the ow email to me in response to my nc letter that i didnt respond back too her, she already indicated that if my w confronts her that it will be hell to pay and she would unleash her h on me,yes a threat and one i have to take seriously,. Your OW sounds like a real prize...what, she is threatening to "sic" her poor betrayed husband on you. Disgusting. She has nothing but contempt for her husband, as well. She would put her H in potential danger by forcing him into contact with you. I guess she thinks it would be like dogs in a fighting ring or something. I've been on LS for about 6 months now and this is one of worst things I've heard. Go to the cops if it comes to that. You have a wife and 3 young children to protect as well as yourself.
PhoenixRise Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i signed on just now hoping for more support, my heart is hurting and i am going through the darkest time in my life, i am not looking for pity but more for support and advice,i have a pit in my stomach,i feel my w's pain,i realize what i have done, i went full nc with the ow,i sometimes feel like i want to die but know i cant do that, if i could take my past back i would in a second, if i could take my w's pain away i would,i chose to reveal myself because i needed to heal as a person and be honest for once in my life,i knew full well when i disclosed that i would be living in a black hole and boy am i there now. yet i come on and i get blasted with people who are angry with me,angry because my main thoughts are not with revealing the ow,yes i should have thought about the ow's husband back then but i also should have thought of alot of things back then.the ow had said back then that her h has a gun and would maybe use it, i am scared of that, call me a coward or whatever you need too but its a genuine fear for me. so i choose not to reveal because i dont want that,i also think that things need to be fixed between me and my w,the ow has nothing to offer except a feeling of justice,my w dosent know the ow,they dont go to same school, i am just trying to move my long healing proccess forward and thats all..i want no part of the ow and in fact i hate her for being a part of what i have done, beleive what you will but please help me here without yelling at me, i am at a very weak sad time in my life. i give my wife every detail she wants,every damn graphic detail,as hard as it was to watch her face i still did it,i have been honest,open, i have been there for her,i even ask her what she is thinking,knowing full well i will receive the blunt of a question.i want so badly for her not to be hurt and our m to survive, i am doing everything in my power. Notsure I give you a tremendous amount of credit for telling the truth about the affair. I know it was hard for you and I believe it took a lot of courage to do so. You have done and are doing the hardest work you have ever HAD to do in your life. You have said you want your marriage and you love your wife and you want to make things right. I believe you. The problme is, I and many other posters see a huge ditch you are digging for yourself that you (going through all the pain and emotion) can't see. If you have a concern about violence from the OW husband, tell your wife this. She is honoring your request that she not tell everyone about the affair. Trust her with this information. Explain to her why you didn't want to tell her.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 she already indicated that if my w confronts her that it will be hell to pay and she would unleash her h on me,yes a threat and one i have to take seriously Wow, what a peach, now thats true love. (sorry:o) The threat is because SHE is scared. You've said before that SHE did have issues with her H and her M. You would know her well enough to know if she would follow through. My guess is, that if you are honest about this with your wife, then SHE won't betray you on this.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 yes misty you are right i played with fire and i put everyone at risk.but i would at least hope some might understand that right now i am also trying to protect .not myself but my family,as much as my a has hurt i dont think my w and kids want to lose me. the posts are not too much, i welcome everyones opinions and i understand i am dealing with people who have been hurt or gone through this in the past. this issint a perfect process but i have been there for my w since minute one of dday, i have been honest to the core,open, i even ask her to talk to me and tell me what she is thinking, i am not scared of the questions and i answer them, this particular one is scary to me,yes i deserve it but i would hope you can understand that i am doing what i can to protect myself and my w at this time.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Your OW sounds like a real prize...what, she is threatening to "sic" her poor betrayed husband on you. Disgusting. She has nothing but contempt for her husband, as well. She would put her H in potential danger by forcing him into contact with you. I guess she thinks it would be like dogs in a fighting ring or something. I've been on LS for about 6 months now and this is one of worst things I've heard. Go to the cops if it comes to that. You have a wife and 3 young children to protect as well as yourself. i agree with you, as soon as i went nc she turned into an animal,i never promised her anything and she knew full well i was never going to leave my w,now she feels that her precious life will be threatned and she might be embarrased around town and she is throwing threats out there.but again i have to take them seriously and i am doing what i can to protect, if my w needs to know and we cant move forward then i will be left with no choice but for now i am trying to just move me and the w forward in this long sad proccess..
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