Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 NS7, I haven't seen anything about you telling your wife who the OW is. You've agreed to everything else, but avoided responding further on this. i have followed everyones advice to a tee so far, i am listening and using all of your ideas and thoughts in this very dark time in my life, you all gave me the inspiration to reveal everything to my w and i am now dealing with the hardest part of my entire life. i am not ducking the ow issue, w hasnt asked me in 2 days and to be honest and i know most will disagree i am not going to tell her unless she demands it again.
broken hearted Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS-I know this is ridiculous because I shouldn't care what other people think of me but I was wondering how many people know about your affair. We live in a very small town and it is going to be all over the place very soon. I am so concerned what other people will think of me for taking back a cheater (if I do). Some of his behaviors are sending red flags to me. The day I found out it was a full blown affair, he changed his password on his cell so I could no longer check it (that's how I found the message in the first place). He emailed the OW the next day to tell her what had happened bc she knew he was going to tell me at counseling the night before. He called me all hours of the day and night friday into saturday sobbing saying he was sorry and sorry he screwed everything up, he was alone and had lost everything. It hit home for him when I told him I had seen a lawyer that day. He told me yesterday he wanted to go back to counseling and do whatever it took yet he still went to speak to a lawyer himself last night. He said he went bc I did and thought my mind was already made up. Aren't these red flags?
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 The day I found out it was a full blown affair, he changed his password on his cell so I could no longer check it (that's how I found the message in the first place). He emailed the OW the next day to tell her what had happened bc she knew he was going to tell me at counseling the night before. These two are for sure. My xMM did those things after D-day and continued the A with me until I finally ended it almost a year later. He is still contact with her, and I would assume that until he's willing to prove otherwise over time. MM's are clever about phone usage. Even if he stops using that cellphone, nothing says he can't go get another on her account or a pay-as-you-go deal. The covering up behaviors are disturbing. Agreeing to go to counseling is a good thing, but you might do well to see how he does in action at the sessions before you decide whether or not to take him back. My guess is he's keeping the OW on the line, at least until you decide whether or not you're taking him back.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 NS-I know this is ridiculous because I shouldn't care what other people think of me but I was wondering how many people know about your affair. We live in a very small town and it is going to be all over the place very soon. I am so concerned what other people will think of me for taking back a cheater (if I do). Some of his behaviors are sending red flags to me. The day I found out it was a full blown affair, he changed his password on his cell so I could no longer check it (that's how I found the message in the first place). He emailed the OW the next day to tell her what had happened bc she knew he was going to tell me at counseling the night before. He called me all hours of the day and night friday into saturday sobbing saying he was sorry and sorry he screwed everything up, he was alone and had lost everything. It hit home for him when I told him I had seen a lawyer that day. He told me yesterday he wanted to go back to counseling and do whatever it took yet he still went to speak to a lawyer himself last night. He said he went bc I did and thought my mind was already made up. Aren't these red flags? you shouldnt feel ridiculous at all, this was done by your H and he is the one who will be ashamed and embarrased. but to answer your question, i live in a very populated area and right now my w has told only my mother and a good friend of hers who actually happens to be an ic and she will not take it further.i have asked my w not too tell everyone and so far it seems she is resigned not to do that because its hard enough to work on us without all of these outseide iterferences, yet i am glad she has a few outlets of people other than me to talk too. as far as taking back a cheater, this is your decision,you are not the first and wont be the last,worry about what you want to do and not what others will think, my w hasnt even worried about that at all,she is more concerned with why this happened and has no energy to even worry about anyone else right now. as far as red flags,yes if he is changing passwords and still talking to ow then of course thats not a good sign and also if he is telling you the line well i went because i thought your mind was made up that is also not good, he should be fighting for what he wants and not just leaving it all up to you.i didnt do that with my w so far, we havent even mentioned the word divorce.these are the darkest times of my life but i am not going to just resign myself or let my w decide everything,i am there, answering her questions and trying to make progress and most of all fixing what was broken. my situation is a bit different because my w never even entertained throwing me out and was more scared that i would leave her,i guess this difference could lie in the fact that i came to her and she didnt just catch me in the act.it sounds to me like your H is just saying what you want to hear right now,i can tell you if he is not feeling a pit in his stomach full time and not watching your cry and feeling the devastation he has caused then he is not serious about anything right now, i have a pit that wont go away,i cant focus,i cant watch her cry,i just want to hold her and make it better,sometimes i even feel like i want to die,this is true hurt and remorse and i am working through it,she even told me last night she beleives i am remourseful and this is not because i caled and said i lost everything and cried, i told my w what was wrong and why it happened and what needs to be fixed, i didnt just grovel and beg for forgiveness so the dust will settle and i am right back into an A down the line.the pain i have caused in revealing all would not be worth just settling at this point., your h needs to step up and be by your side, this should be his main and only focus right now if he truly cares that your hurting and truly wants the m to survive this. i am just going through the process now but these are my thoughts thus far, i hope it helps a bit in this difficult time.
broken hearted Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Yeah, I knew these were red flags. He actually had the nerve to say to me the other day, "I am telling you the truth, believe me, I am your husband." I almost laughed in his face bc obviously at this point, he has ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIBILITY! I know he has to see it within himself but I am really hoping the counselor opens up his eyes tonight to the agonizing damage that he has caused so many people.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 you shouldnt feel ridiculous at all, this was done by your H and he is the one who will be ashamed and embarrased. but to answer your question, i live in a very populated area and right now my w has told only my mother and a good friend of hers who actually happens to be an ic and she will not take it further.i have asked my w not too tell everyone and so far it seems she is resigned not to do that because its hard enough to work on us without all of these outseide iterferences, yet i am glad she has a few outlets of people other than me to talk too. as far as taking back a cheater, this is your decision,you are not the first and wont be the last,worry about what you want to do and not what others will think, my w hasnt even worried about that at all,she is more concerned with why this happened and has no energy to even worry about anyone else right now. as far as red flags,yes if he is changing passwords and still talking to ow then of course thats not a good sign and also if he is telling you the line well i went because i thought your mind was made up that is also not good, he should be fighting for what he wants and not just leaving it all up to you.i didnt do that with my w so far, we havent even mentioned the word divorce.these are the darkest times of my life but i am not going to just resign myself or let my w decide everything,i am there, answering her questions and trying to make progress and most of all fixing what was broken. my situation is a bit different because my w never even entertained throwing me out and was more scared that i would leave her,i guess this difference could lie in the fact that i came to her and she didnt just catch me in the act.it sounds to me like your H is just saying what you want to hear right now,i can tell you if he is not feeling a pit in his stomach full time and not watching your cry and feeling the devastation he has caused then he is not serious about anything right now, i have a pit that wont go away,i cant focus,i cant watch her cry,i just want to hold her and make it better,sometimes i even feel like i want to die,this is true hurt and remorse and i am working through it,she even told me last night she beleives i am remourseful and this is not because i caled and said i lost everything and cried, i told my w what was wrong and why it happened and what needs to be fixed, i didnt just grovel and beg for forgiveness so the dust will settle and i am right back into an A down the line.the pain i have caused in revealing all would not be worth just settling at this point., your h needs to step up and be by your side, this should be his main and only focus right now if he truly cares that your hurting and truly wants the m to survive this. i am just going through the process now but these are my thoughts thus far, i hope it helps a bit in this difficult time. Your wife is going to need her health. If her sleep deprivations persists have her go see a doctor. H took ambian for the first few months to help him sleep and I cooked for him quite a bit and packed him lunches so he could eat. Can her mom take/help with the kids? You really did the right thing by coming clean. She seems like the kind of woman who loves you enough to want you as a honest, happy person preferably in her life. yeah let your W determine if the OWs identity is important to her, if not, don't force it, if she wants it you gotta hand it over, emails, phone #S, addresses. That's what I did. Get your priorities in order.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Yeah, I knew these were red flags. He actually had the nerve to say to me the other day, "I am telling you the truth, believe me, I am your husband." I almost laughed in his face bc obviously at this point, he has ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIBILITY! I know he has to see it within himself but I am really hoping the counselor opens up his eyes tonight to the agonizing damage that he has caused so many people. its not the pain he caused so many people, its the pain he caused you that he needs to see. personally i do run through many emotions and yes sometimes i get mad inside but when he is giving you those lines he is not thinking that its a big deal.does he really expect you to beleive anything right now,you just had your world shattered, he would be lucky if you beleived him when he told you his name. i have not yet been to mc or ic but we are headed there soon so i dont know what the counselor will or will not be able to do for you, but i cant imagine one person can solve your h's problems if he is not willing.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Your wife is going to need her health. If her sleep deprivations persists have her go see a doctor. H took ambian for the first few months to help him sleep and I cooked for him quite a bit and packed him lunches so he could eat. Can her mom take/help with the kids? You really did the right thing by coming clean. She seems like the kind of woman who loves you enough to want you as a honest, happy person preferably in her life. yeah let your W determine if the OWs identity is important to her, if not, don't force it, if she wants it you gotta hand it over, emails, phone #S, addresses. That's what I did. Get your priorities in order. yes the lack of sleep is scaring me a bit, i tell her please at least sleep for the kids,but she says its so hard and its not that she dosent want to not sleep she just cant. although her mom dosent know whats going on she has been very helpful and is taking the kids alot,my one son just had some surgery so my w is blaming her emotions on that and her parents are helpful with the other 2 kids. she truly is a loving person and dosent even think about life without me, this helps and i see the love in her pain..i battle everyday whther i did the right thing or not by coming clean,but i know deep down that i would never had a chance to be an honest person and live an honest life if i didnt break the cycle.when you feel the pain of telling someone you love that you have betrayed them you have achieved the consequence needed to face up to what you have done and who you are and who you want to be.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 yes the lack of sleep is scaring me a bit, i tell her please at least sleep for the kids,but she says its so hard and its not that she dosent want to not sleep she just cant. although her mom dosent know whats going on she has been very helpful and is taking the kids alot,my one son just had some surgery so my w is blaming her emotions on that and her parents are helpful with the other 2 kids. she truly is a loving person and dosent even think about life without me, this helps and i see the love in her pain..i battle everyday whther i did the right thing or not by coming clean,but i know deep down that i would never had a chance to be an honest person and live an honest life if i didnt break the cycle.when you feel the pain of telling someone you love that you have betrayed them you have achieved the consequence needed to face up to what you have done and who you are and who you want to be. The honesty doesn't stop with just your confession, it continues with letting your wife know who you really are, your desires emotionally, physically whatever, fears etc. It seems like this is the type of connection you were longing for when you stepped out. And your wife is experiencing everything I read about to be "normal". I'd be more freaked if she was all "chipper, overly optimistic and instantly forgiving". And one final thing, don't take too much time to get to counseling. If cost is an issue, talk to a clergyman.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 yes the lack of sleep is scaring me a bit, i tell her please at least sleep for the kids,but she says its so hard and its not that she dosent want to not sleep she just cant. Have her try over the counter Melatonin. It comes in 3 & 5mg dosages. It's natural & safe. I've taken it off & on for a year now. I don't need it every night & it is not one that you can become addicted to. She could check with her doctor or pharmasist if she's not sure - But I find it gives me at the very least 4 to 5 hours of good sleep when I'm stressed & can't.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 The honesty doesn't stop with just your confession, it continues with letting your wife know who you really are, your desires emotionally, physically whatever, fears etc. It seems like this is the type of connection you were longing for when you stepped out. And your wife is experiencing everything I read about to be "normal". I'd be more freaked if she was all "chipper, overly optimistic and instantly forgiving". And one final thing, don't take too much time to get to counseling. If cost is an issue, talk to a clergyman. yes i agree its alot more than the confession, when i confessed i also told her what i was missing or lacking. she is not chipper at all but does have her moments, she really would love to forgive because she loves me so much but realistically that is impossible. we scheduled mc for next week and ic for me also for next week.this is a very tough time.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 yes i agree its alot more than the confession, when i confessed i also told her what i was missing or lacking. she is not chipper at all but does have her moments, she really would love to forgive because she loves me so much but realistically that is impossible. we scheduled mc for next week and ic for me also for next week.this is a very tough time. Good luck again,NS7. It may be hard to see the forest through the trees and know what the ultimate outcome will be, but you've some really positive first steps. Again, take strength in the fact that you confessed on your own!!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Good luck again,NS7. It may be hard to see the forest through the trees and know what the ultimate outcome will be, but you've some really positive first steps. Again, take strength in the fact that you confessed on your own!! i dont have much strength these days to be honest but i do see that confessing on my own was a positive step for me. im trying to see through the forest but right now its a black hole and i cant even imagine what my w is feeling inside, i truly broke her heart in half.
PhoenixRise Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i have followed everyones advice to a tee so far, i am listening and using all of your ideas and thoughts in this very dark time in my life, you all gave me the inspiration to reveal everything to my w and i am now dealing with the hardest part of my entire life. i am not ducking the ow issue, w hasnt asked me in 2 days and to be honest and i know most will disagree i am not going to tell her unless she demands it again. Just know that this question IS NOT going to just go away. If your wife doesn't ask, she will still be wondering. You don't want to leave open questions in her mind.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i dont have much strength these days to be honest but i do see that confessing on my own was a positive step for me. im trying to see through the forest but right now its a black hole and i cant even imagine what my w is feeling inside, i truly broke her heart in half. Some may disagree, but you broke her heart when you were dishonest in the first place. Confessing was the right thing to do.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 This thread isn't about me. I merely tossed out a scenario/question - not exactly the time or place to start bashing me again. You've already had that opportunity. well then quit acting like the BS doesn't deserve the same consideration you seem to like to reserve to those who are doing the cheating/betraying.
taylor Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 i have followed everyones advice to a tee so far, i am listening and using all of your ideas and thoughts in this very dark time in my life, you all gave me the inspiration to reveal everything to my w and i am now dealing with the hardest part of my entire life. i am not ducking the ow issue, w hasnt asked me in 2 days and to be honest and i know most will disagree i am not going to tell her unless she demands it again. You have not followed everyone's advice to a tee so far. Most posters have advised you to tell your wife who the OW is, as she has asked and BEGGED you to, but you have failed to do this. You have NOT revealed everything to your wife, as you say above. And you ARE ducking the OW issue. Refusing to disclose the identity of the OW to your wife is a LIE BY OMISSION. You are still lying to your wife. You are a coward for not giving her the truth when she has BEGGED you for it. And it is a sign of patronizing disrespect. You OWE her this information. You also don't want her to tell other family members about your affair. You are afraid of what other people will think of you. Most BS on this forum believe in telling the world about their wayward spouse's affair as a way to prevent it from happening again. Tell mothers, fathers, siblings, kids, etc. As a wayward, you want to keep it under wraps. But if your wife was posting here, BSs would tell her to REVEAL to everyone. You want to hide the identity of your affair partner and you want to keep the whole affair under wraps TO PROTECT YOURSELF....SELFISH. You don't want to reveal the OW's identity, either, because you are afraid her husband will come after you. Why didn't you think about that before you F'd his wife? Again, coward. Try being a man and face the music. It's pathetic that you gave your wife the OW's e-mail address as a means of finding out WHO she is. Putting her in the position whereby if she really wants to know who the OW is, she will have to do the dirty work (e-mail her) to find out who she is. How degrading that is to your wife. All because you are too much of a coward to tell your wife information that she deserves to know. If the tables were turned, wouldn't you want to know WHO your wife F'd? Wouldn't you want to know if it was your best friend, a neighbor, your doctor, the plumber, the mailman, an ex-lover? How would YOU feel if she refused to tell you who she had an affair with? Your wife may have stopped asking momentarily, but it will always be in her mind. She will grow to resent you for not providing her with that information when she begged you for it. And she will never trust you as long as you continue to keep things from her. Good luck with your reconciliation. You are going to need it. For one second I thought maybe you weren't telling your wife because you were trying to protect the OW from an onslaught by your wife. But no, don't think that at all, because apparently your "feelings" for the OW have all but disappeared in a flash. Your reasons for not telling your wife are simple...SELFISHNESS/COWARDICE.
taylor Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 she wrote me an email with the usual i hurt her stuff but i didnt respond,its kind of a strange thing after you get out of the A for a few days all those intense wana spend the rest of my life feelings you had subside quite quickly. No, not a strange thing at all. You are a fickle man whose fickleness hurt two women...one you are married to and one you pursued to have a fling with. I think both women deserve more than you can ever give them.
Athena Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 You also don't want her to tell other family members about your affair. You are afraid of what other people will think of you. Most BS on this forum believe in telling the world about their wayward spouse's affair as a way to prevent it from happening again. Tell mothers, fathers, siblings, kids, etc. As a wayward, you want to keep it under wraps. But if your wife was posting here, BSs would tell her to REVEAL to everyone. You want to hide the identity of your affair partner and you want to keep the whole affair under wraps TO PROTECT YOURSELF....SELFISH. Notsure7, as for telling others about your A, I don't think telling your wife's family will be helpful to your M. I also think, that BS's posting on here are only told to tell EVERYONE ONLY when 1) the WS was found out (not self confessed) and 2) the WS is still seeing the AP In your case, it is different, so I don't think your W should be announcing it to all... that in itself is only used as a protective measure, not as a Done thing.
MistyK Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 No, not a strange thing at all. You are a fickle man whose fickleness hurt two women...one you are married to and one you pursued to have a fling with. I think both women deserve more than you can ever give them. I'm sorry, how is this venom helping? Pointing out things to help him is great, but nothing about this suggests a desire to be helpful. RE-LAX.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 If you know that your wife NEEDS to know who the OW was in order to heal... ...why on Earth are you going to wait until she BEGS you again before you tell her??? What does this gain you? NOTHING AT ALL What could it cost you? EVERYTHING YOU'RE FIGHTING TO SAVE Knock off the bull***** games man. Seriously...knock it off. Grow up a little bit here. You're acting very childlishly by playing these kinds of mind games with her, and with yourself. You know she needs the information. You know that you're going to have to be honest about EVERYTHING if you want to have a chance to save your marriage. But you want to KEEP trying to dodging telling the full truth. Seriously...either stop, or give up on reconciliation. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALL YOUR WAY. This is about FIXING the damage you've done...NOT HIDING IT.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Notsure7, as for telling others about your A, I don't think telling your wife's family will be helpful to your M. I also think, that BS's posting on here are only told to tell EVERYONE ONLY when 1) the WS was found out (not self confessed) and 2) the WS is still seeing the AP In your case, it is different, so I don't think your W should be announcing it to all... that in itself is only used as a protective measure, not as a Done thing. She still may need to do this, Athena. He's still not being totally honest about everything with his wife. He's still hiding information she needs to know.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 I'm sorry, how is this venom helping? Pointing out things to help him is great, but nothing about this suggests a desire to be helpful. RE-LAX. I agree with you here misty....For crying out loud people - This guy can't catch one break here. First you tell him to confess to his wife - He does that & now you want to pick apart everything else in the process. Is nothing he is doing now good enough? This pain he's in the middle of right now takes time to get thru. You can't heal the entire marriage & solve EVERY problem in one week. He's also said his wife hasn't asked about the other woman for a few days now. Let her have some peace too to work thru this. Give him SOME credit!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 It took about 6 months before I was able to sleep more than a few minutes at a time. I told no one though, so I didn't really have any outlet. That's why I suggested that you have your wife talk to a trustworthy friend or family member that can offer her support. About the time I was able to get a few hours of sleep at a time finally, the panic attacks started and I would go through spurts where I couldn't bring myself to go to the grocery store for fear of them. Don't get mad about the crying and anger and questions, you haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg yet. One day when things are finally close to normal something will trigger her and you'll feel like you're back at square one. Also, when you feel like you've proven yourself and she is worried about your lack of trustworthiness (somewhat down the line from here) you'll see what I meant in another post about resenting her for it. I'ld say you are doing everything that you can. One week in is nothing. I also believe that she needs to deal with this before dealing with "who" the OW is. Just know that you're going back to square one once you tell, so I wouldn't allow too much healing time before that. There tends to be in most BS's quite the tendancy to compare themselves to the person that was so much better that their WS would gamble their entire lives for. That's gotta be some special someone huh? (I almost choked when I found out "who", though it was sometime over D'day, she was nothing I had imagined, just young and VERY stupid with quite the past) Ya know, NS, once this is behind you, whatever happens, you will have a lot of insight to offer this board. I hope you stick around.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 hurt two women...one you are married to and one you pursued to have a fling with. His OW was also married and completely aware of what she was doing. If she was hurt by this it was by her own choice.
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