Snowflower Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 owl, your last post almost made me want to cry! I'm glad you still have the cards. I know I couldn't bear to look at the cards and letters my husband had given me over the years. Like most WS, he said our marriage "was never right" so the cards/letters were very painful for me to even think about. I do still have them though. NS7, Maybe you could give her a new card. Today, tonight, telling her how much you love her and to thank her for at least trying to give you another chance. It might help more than you realize!
PhoenixRise Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 owl, your last post almost made me want to cry! I'm glad you still have the cards. I know I couldn't bear to look at the cards and letters my husband had given me over the years. Like most WS, he said our marriage "was never right" so the cards/letters were very painful for me to even think about. I do still have them though. NS7, Maybe you could give her a new card. Today, tonight, telling her how much you love her and to thank her for at least trying to give you another chance. It might help more than you realize! I think this is an excellent idea.
Athena Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 NS7, I was just thinking that your W has to re-think Everything, for ALL angles... but, in time, she will have pretty much covered everything and then the obsessing she is doing will cease... that's why I think it's so important for you to be on hand to answer all her questions... less time obsessing on her own, trying to 'figure out' what you were doing/thinking at a certain time she is thinking of... she's gonna backtrack and rethink EVERYTHING, believe me, ALL the events, all the times you said something that can now be seen to have had a double meaning... yes it is exhausting, both to her and to you. And I don't think there's a way to short-circuit it... just saying it's to be expected, and to give you the courage to stick it out, no matter how much desperation you will feel, and when you begin to wonder if the M is worth all the pain you will feel watching your wife's pain, etc, just Remember To Stick it Out!
PhoenixRise Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Owl Your post resonated with me. I nearly destroyed a decade of love letters. I saved them (they are a little singed though)
Snowflower Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Owl Your post resonated with me. I nearly destroyed a decade of love letters. I saved them (they are a little singed though) I guess these are all normal reactions! I saved the cards/letters but I did destroy a picture of my husband and me-right in front of him. He had told me the night before that he thought our marriage was over.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 NS, She will cycle through and through the stages of grief, over and over and in no particular order. The Stages Of Grief The begging you not to leave is the bargaining phase. Right now she will run amock through them, then later they will each last a little longer as she works through them. For me the dreams where the worst part. I would go to sleep (finally) somewhat comforted with a tiny bit of peace then BAM, I'ld wake up and relive it all over again. That lasted for about 9 months before it started to taper some.
OFGnomore Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 she wrote me an email with the usual i hurt her stuff but i didnt respond,its kind of a strange thing after you get out of the A for a few days all those intense wana spend the rest of my life feelings you had subside quite quickly. True, but once the dust settles after your disclosure, the same internal void will probably return in you. The same that probably led you to step outside of your M and make you not feel truly connected to your W. And this will be YOUR work to own in IC. And whatever you come to find that internal something is, be true to it, and make decisions based in integrity regarding you, your wife and your family whatever they may be. And it always doesn't mean staying married. Having healed that internal something will give you the best chance at intimacy with your W or a new person. Good luck NS7.
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Owl, I couldn't have written your post. Only I didn't go back and retrieve anything except the wedding pictures. I thought my kids deserved to have those. NS7, listen to Owl. He isn't a hot head like some of us are:p. He is giving you insight into the feelings and emotions of a BS who decided to reconcile and is glad he did.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS7...good first step blocking the OW. Next is rebuilding your wife's trust. That ABSOLUTELY entails telling her who the OW is. Risky? Perhaps. But if you don't tell her, this is going to hang out there over her head like the Sword of Damoclese. This is going to be a critical step...because she needs to know EVERYTHING she wants to know in order to clearly and completely understand what she's being asked to forgive. And...she needs to know that you're telling her the FULL truth now...where you weren't before. Until she gets all the info...you're still not being completely honest with her. And your efforts are almost certainly going to fail.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 This is a little 'out there' But here is a question I would definitely have if I were in NS's situation. IF he chooses to tell his wife who the other woman is ... And IF his wife decides to confront her - Should NS contact the other woman prior to this? Would that not seem fair - considering her life will be turned upside down as well - without her "planning for it" the way that NS did by asking for help & having questions answered here in LS - prior to telling his wife. I'm sure that if the tables were turned NS would want the same condiseration from the other woman if she would have told her husband first....so he & his wife weren't blindsided. Does this make sense?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 That should be up to NS7's wife, IMO. Geez, this isn't pretty business, NS's OW has had the privilage of being on the up and up throughout the A, why is it all of a sudden unfair when the tables are turned?
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 This is a little 'out there' But here is a question I would definitely have if I were in NS's situation. IF he chooses to tell his wife who the other woman is ... And IF his wife decides to confront her - Should NS contact the other woman prior to this? Would that not seem fair would it seem fair? was it fair that NS f####d another woman? was it fair that this other woman was sleeping with her husband? is it fair what NS and the other woman are doing to their families? funny to see the skewed idea of "fairness" from certain people. considering her life will be turned upside down as well - without her "planning for it" the way that NS did by asking for help & having questions answered here in LS - prior to telling his wife. why? you are a fan of not telling the spouse at all, hence not letting a BS "plan" the course of their own life. I'm sure that if the tables were turned NS would want the same condiseration from the other woman if she would have told her husband first....so he & his wife weren't blindsided. Does this make sense? seeing as how the BS's would be blindsided and consideration for them by being betrayed wasn't an issue....no...it doesn't make sense. Not in the least.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 That should be up to NS7's wife, IMO. Geez, this isn't pretty business, NS's OW has had the privilage of being on the up and up throughout the A, why is it all of a sudden unfair when the tables are turned? eggs-fuggin-zactly!!!!! pretty much the point I was making as well.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 would it seem fair? was it fair that NS f####d another woman? was it fair that this other woman was sleeping with her husband? is it fair what NS and the other woman are doing to their families? funny to see the skewed idea of "fairness" from certain people. why? you are a fan of not telling the spouse at all, hence not letting a BS "plan" the course of their own life. seeing as how the BS's would be blindsided and consideration for them by being betrayed wasn't an issue....no...it doesn't make sense. Not in the least. :eek:OK - Holy Crap....Was just asking a question - No need to get your underoos in a bunch!! And you're right - in most cases I am not in favor of just BLURTING out...Hey Hon, I had an affair. But that's beside the point of my question. Was just tossin' a scenario out there! So, NS...IF you tell your wife, will you let the other woman know? Or, will you leave that decision up to your wife?....IF, IF, IF...
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 if he tells his wife, and his wife wants to confront the other woman, and NS tips the other woman off....it shows that he wants to help protect the other woman. His wife would be well justified in being pissed at him and saying something along the lines of "so, you felt the need to warn your little piece of ass eh?" and if that would be the case, nobody could blame the wife for throwing NS out of the house for protecting the woman he had been f#####g.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 :eek:OK - Holy Crap....Was just asking a question - . Was just tossin' a scenario out there! ya, whatever...you seem to be so concerned about the "fairness" of people that cheat and are a party to betraying others, rather than the people that are being betrayed.
confusedinkansas Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 ya, whatever...you seem to be so concerned about the "fairness" of people that cheat and are a party to betraying others, rather than the people that are being betrayed. This thread isn't about me. I merely tossed out a scenario/question - not exactly the time or place to start bashing me again. You've already had that opportunity.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 The week after our d-day and my wife's not being able to get on the plane to go live with OM, she decided to spend our time cleaning the house, organizing stuff, and basically preparing to seperate. While cleaning out my closet, I came across a bag full of cards that she'd sent me over the years that I'd saved. Remember, this is shortly after I'd been devestated by this whole thing... I saw the bag, fought back the tears...and dropped it in the trash bag. My wife saw me, and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me why I was throwing them away. I looked her in the eye and told her..."You've insisted we've been 'faking it' for years...that makes these cards all a LIE. I don't want to keep lies.". She begged me to keep them, that our marriage hadn't been a sham, or a lie. I did pull them back out and save them. I'm glad that I did...but this should show you that this is a pretty common reaction from a BS. yes she ripped the card to pieces and i realize i deserve that,she is thinking how i could have written that to her when i was involved with the ow. i am glad she hasnt yet gone back and tossed all of my cards as you are right somewhere down the line she will be thankful she still has them. i told her she needs to do whatever it takes and i guess ripping the card was a step in the proccess..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 owl, your last post almost made me want to cry! I'm glad you still have the cards. I know I couldn't bear to look at the cards and letters my husband had given me over the years. Like most WS, he said our marriage "was never right" so the cards/letters were very painful for me to even think about. I do still have them though. NS7, Maybe you could give her a new card. Today, tonight, telling her how much you love her and to thank her for at least trying to give you another chance. It might help more than you realize! thats a great idea and i think i will do that today,any ideas of what i should write, i am only closing in on a week from dday.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 This is a little 'out there' But here is a question I would definitely have if I were in NS's situation. IF he chooses to tell his wife who the other woman is ... And IF his wife decides to confront her - Should NS contact the other woman prior to this? Would that not seem fair - considering her life will be turned upside down as well - without her "planning for it" the way that NS did by asking for help & having questions answered here in LS - prior to telling his wife. I'm sure that if the tables were turned NS would want the same condiseration from the other woman if she would have told her husband first....so he & his wife weren't blindsided. Does this make sense? Absolutely not. Under no circumstances, EVER, should NS contact the OW again. Additionally...if anyone "forewarned" OW, then she'd do damage control. She'd tell her H that they were all "making it up", "they're crazy", etc... so that she could escape accepting responsibility for her side of the affair. We've seen this play out countless times. You do not EVER forewarn someone about exposure of an affair. It negates the value of it. Nor do you EVER reestablish contact between affair partners, for ANY reason.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 NS7, I was just thinking that your W has to re-think Everything, for ALL angles... but, in time, she will have pretty much covered everything and then the obsessing she is doing will cease... that's why I think it's so important for you to be on hand to answer all her questions... less time obsessing on her own, trying to 'figure out' what you were doing/thinking at a certain time she is thinking of... she's gonna backtrack and rethink EVERYTHING, believe me, ALL the events, all the times you said something that can now be seen to have had a double meaning... yes it is exhausting, both to her and to you. And I don't think there's a way to short-circuit it... just saying it's to be expected, and to give you the courage to stick it out, no matter how much desperation you will feel, and when you begin to wonder if the M is worth all the pain you will feel watching your wife's pain, etc, just Remember To Stick it Out! yes she is doing that exactly,she is asking me when i said this or when i was at my kids school was i thinking about the ow, she is replaying all scenarios over and over. i have been there to answer every question so far.you are right it is exhausting and i even find myself going through different phases, one minute i feel ok,then i am sad for what i did,then i feel like i want to die and ashamed and then at times i get mad and ive had enough of the questions and the crying,i know its all part of it and it sucks.
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 NS7, I haven't seen anything about you telling your wife who the OW is. You've agreed to everything else, but avoided responding further on this.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 NS, She will cycle through and through the stages of grief, over and over and in no particular order. The Stages Of Grief The begging you not to leave is the bargaining phase. Right now she will run amock through them, then later they will each last a little longer as she works through them. For me the dreams where the worst part. I would go to sleep (finally) somewhat comforted with a tiny bit of peace then BAM, I'ld wake up and relive it all over again. That lasted for about 9 months before it started to taper some. thanks for the link, i appreciate it, i am trying to understand whats coming so i can be better prepared to help her and myself. the begging has subsided because i have told her that i am not going anywhere but she is still scared of that thought.she really loves me so much and i can see it in her pain. when did you start sleeping? she hasnt slept in a week and its scaring me,we have 3 small children, she is doing the best she can but its scary with the no sleeping or eating and its been almost a week since dday.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 True, but once the dust settles after your disclosure, the same internal void will probably return in you. The same that probably led you to step outside of your M and make you not feel truly connected to your W. And this will be YOUR work to own in IC. And whatever you come to find that internal something is, be true to it, and make decisions based in integrity regarding you, your wife and your family whatever they may be. And it always doesn't mean staying married. Having healed that internal something will give you the best chance at intimacy with your W or a new person. Good luck NS7. i agree and i know that,right now i am focused on her and the betrayal and i am feeling so many different things but of course i must fix the internal part that made me do this in the first place,i told her everything i was lacking and i think that was beneficial, we will start mc together next week and i will start ic too.
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