All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

She's going to be all over the board with her emotions. Shock is still so strong that you won't see the real anger for awhile. Also when the fear wears off she will go through different sets of emotions. All of it is to be expected.

 

I know you said that she told one friend, and now your mom, but she needs to have some support besides you. Hopefully she will get some IC too. Its great that you two are going to MC and you to IC.

 

From what you have said NS, she takes her role as wife and mother very seriously, so not only does she question everything about her R with you, she will eventually feel like her purpose has been worth nothing. Its a little different when a BS knows that there are major problems in a R and the two of you don't get along, but when it hits and you thought you had it all, it will make you question all that you are.

 

The A will change her, eventually, in ways that neither can imagine. Handling things with kid gloves is important right now.

 

so basically are you saying that the fact that ebernthough i think there are some nice moments but of course i know she is so sad and devastated and scared and feels worthless will turn to all anger?

 

yes she takes that role very seriously,this is a complete shock to her, i have been comforting her and doing the best i can, she says she loves me and dosent want to hate me and just wants it all to go away, well of course its not that easy.

 

she is definetely feeling worthless and feels like it all meant nothing to me, i try to assure her that i loved her all along.there are times she seems to understand and wants to be with me and hold me.

 

but you saying i should expect full time anger soon huh and that the fear wears off?

[PhoenixRise]

so she will really want to not touch me with a 10ft pole soon?, it seems strange because she seems to only want to be with me,i actually would have thought the 10ft pole stage would come first..

 

do you think that is even the case of a w who is truly scared that her H might leave her and the kids?, my w seems so scared that that might happen,she is devastated over the A but is also scared that i am going to leave her despite my reassurances to the contrary..i think what happened is because i revealed all to her instead of being found out, i started very strong and at the beggining of our talk i had plans to maybe leave but after talking for hours i realized i didnt want too leave and we have a love and a M worth fighting for, but the things i said at the beggining i guess have her very scared that i am capable of leaving and she says she loves me so much and please dont leave me.

 

 

Every woman is different but it could happen that she will not want to have anything to do with you physically for awhile. I think what may be happening right now is, she got her world blown apart and all she can think about right now is how to keep things from going from bad to worse.

 

Also

 

The affair had to impact her self esteem. Up till now she probaly never doubted that she was attractive to you, now she knows there was another woman. In her mind, she is comparing herself to this drop dead gorgeous, Angelina Jolie, sex vixen, who can probaly swing from the chandeliers at the drop of a leather thong. She is wondering if she wasn't sexy enough, pretty enough, enough of a woman to hold your interest.

 

This is why I think you will need to tell her who the OW is. Eventually she will need to know that the OW is just a woman.

[PhoenixRise]

this process is a tough one,as i told you my w and i have had some nice moments but today has been a disaster, earlier she was reading a card i wrote her in june and she ripped it up and she has been crying all day to the point she called my mom and told her.i then talked to my mom and was very open and honest.

 

i continue to say i am sorry and comfort my w but i also want to make sure i am not the groveling guy who says whatever she wants to hear for the sake of making things better.she asked me why i left her today, i said i had to work and she understood but i think its all part of her worrying.

 

i truly feel like i destroyed this loving woman and its sad to see the destruction. if you love someone there is no A in the world that is worth it and i am seeing that now, but i beleive there is a silver lining here and although i cant see it now i feel our M will be stronger and better going in the future.

 

 

I am glad to see that you think your marriage will be stronger after all this.

 

 

 

 

Right now she probaly doesn't know what is real. She looked at that card and she didn't think she could believe in the sentiments it expressed anymore. She didn't believe you ment what the card said.

 

AND you are absolutely right to not just say things that you think she wants to hear. It seems like you are feeling sincere remorse and regret. Hopefully you are also feeling sincere love and commitment to your wife. If you are, continue to express that. More importantly, continue to take concrete actions, MC, IC, Open communication, NC with OW, that demonstrate that.

[NOTSURE7]

Every woman is different but it could happen that she will not want to have anything to do with you physically for awhile. I think what may be happening right now is, she got her world blown apart and all she can think about right now is how to keep things from going from bad to worse.

 

Also

 

The affair had to impact her self esteem. Up till now she probaly never doubted that she was attractive to you, now she knows there was another woman. In her mind, she is comparing herself to this drop dead gorgeous, Angelina Jolie, sex vixen, who can probaly swing from the chandeliers at the drop of a leather thong. She is wondering if she wasn't sexy enough, pretty enough, enough of a woman to hold your interest.

 

This is why I think you will need to tell her who the OW is. Eventually she will need to know that the OW is just a woman.

 

i told her she was prettier than the ow, which is true..i dont mind if she dosent want me in the sexual dept for awhile, in fact i have been shocked at how much she wants me 2 days post dday.

 

i have second guessed myself all over about telling her but i beleive my cycle has been broken, i just wish it wouldnt take so long for her but i know it can be years, its hard when you feel the weight lifted off your shoulders,only to shift the burden to thos you love and now there is nothing i can do to make it better and it sucks.

 

all i can do is what i am doing, sounds like i am in for a long ride, even if at times it dosent seem like it.

[boldjack]

I agree with Phoenix, you must let your wife know who the OW is. It has gone on too long for half measures to have any success. There must be TOTAL, TOTAL, honesty on your part. This will be very difficult for you because you haven't exactly been a model of integrity , have you? I have read your thread just this afternoon and can only say that you have just started to handle this in a mature fashion. You need to be a completely open book, for your marriage to have any chance at all. Anything, and I mean anything Your wife needs to know , you WILL tell her. I was once in your shoes and cheated numerous times, with numerous women. Absolute honesty is what turned me around and made me a man I could be proud of. Do the same. Good Luck to you

[NOTSURE7]

I am glad to see that you think your marriage will be stronger after all this.

 

 

 

 

Right now she probaly doesn't know what is real. She looked at that card and she didn't think she could believe in the sentiments it expressed anymore. She didn't believe you ment what the card said.

 

AND you are absolutely right to not just say things that you think she wants to hear. It seems like you are feeling sincere remorse and regret. Hopefully you are also feeling sincere love and commitment to your wife. If you are, continue to express that. More importantly, continue to take concrete actions, MC, IC, Open communication, NC with OW, that demonstrate that.

 

i know we will survive it, that i know, how long it will take is anyones guess, i can tell she wants so badly to just love me and forget but of course thats impossible.

 

it just pains me to see the sadness and the devastation i have caused and i truly would take her pain away if i could.i cant watch her not sleep and eat and know that i am responsible for this.

 

i really hope it dosent turn into only anger and hatred, i am hoping we can continue on the path of making eachother stronger and surviving this mess i created.

[NOTSURE7]

I agree with Phoenix, you must let your wife know who the OW is. It has gone on too long for half measures to have any success. There must be TOTAL, TOTAL, honesty on your part. This will be very difficult for you because you haven't exactly been a model of integrity , have you? I have read your thread just this afternoon and can only say that you have just started to handle this in a mature fashion. You need to be a completely open book, for your marriage to have any chance at all. Anything, and I mean anything Your wife needs to know , you WILL tell her. I was once in your shoes and cheated numerous times, with numerous women. Absolute honesty is what turned me around and made me a man I could be proud of. Do the same. Good Luck to you

 

i feel like i am in dishonesty detox, i have a permanent pit in my stomach and i just wish i was never dishonest.i hate what i have done to her, sometimes i truly feel like dying but i know that will do no good.

 

right now she isisnt asking again who the ow is, i have given her details and offered her the email address, i am not trying to protect the ow but i am trying to not have the ow's H want to kill me and dragging more people into this.thats the only reason.

[PhoenixRise]

i told her she was prettier than the ow, which is true..i dont mind if she dosent want me in the sexual dept for awhile, in fact i have been shocked at how much she wants me 2 days post dday.

 

Until she knows who the OW is, she will not believe this.

 

i have second guessed myself all over about telling her but i beleive my cycle has been broken, i just wish it wouldnt take so long for her but i know it can be years, its hard when you feel the weight lifted off your shoulders,only to shift the burden to thos you love and now there is nothing i can do to make it better and it sucks.

 

all i can do is what i am doing, sounds like i am in for a long ride, even if at times it dosent seem like it.

 

Be very careful about rushing her through the process. When this whole thing started YOU were the one hiding your true feelings and feeling like you couldn't share who you really are with your wife. She really want to save the marriage so If you say or do anything that makes her feel like her healing process is pushing you away SHE may shut down and only start to show you what she thinks you want to see.

 

I get it that you want to make things better and make the pain all go away for her but even if I knew of some secret way to short circuit the process I wouldn't tell you about it. Know why? Because taking the shortcut will deprive you and your wife from truly getting to know each other on an intimate level.

 

As much as the process hurts, if you get the necessary help and make the necessary changes (both of you) then the rewards are priceless.

 

In starting over in my marriage, my husband and I are closer now than we ever were pre affair. Communication, intimacy, honesty, sense of adventure, family life- all much better- All because we went through the uncomfortable and painful process of starting over because we both thought our marriage was worth the effort.

 

There is something that is very powerful and affirming (although I know it doesn't feel this way at the time) about facing a marriage killing challenge like infidelity together and both parties coming out of it more sure than ever that you belong together.

[boldjack]

7, as I said before, it is way too late to try "damage control". Now, because of your dishonesty and the OW'S , everything will probably have to come out. The Ow'S husband deserves to confront you anyway, don't you think?

[confusedinkansas]

right now she isisnt asking again who the ow is, i have given her details and offered her the email address, i am not trying to protect the ow but i am trying to not have the ow's H want to kill me and dragging more people into this.thats the only reason.

 

Has the other woman contacted you....or visa versa?

[Snowflower]

right now she isisnt asking again who the ow is, i have given her details and offered her the email address, i am not trying to protect the ow but i am trying to not have the ow's H want to kill me and dragging more people into this.thats the only reason.

 

 

NS7, I commend you for doing the right thing and confessing your affair(s) to your wife. You absolutely did the right thing for her and for you-even though I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now and it won't feel like it for quite awhile.

 

I agree with the others here who say that you must disclose who the OW is. It appears that you have done this partially by giving your wife the email address of the OW. That is a good start. As for the OW husband, does he know about the affair? If not, then this is a chance you take...that he will somehow find out through your wife. That is just one of the many consequences you will have to face as a result of your actions.

 

I can't remember...do you and the OW work together somehow? If so, your wife definitely needs to know if you will come into contact with this person.

 

My husband didn't want me to know who the OW was right after d-day. He was protecting his own azz since the OW worked for the same company and he thought somehow I might go ballistic or something and threaten his job. I felt like he was 'protecting' her somehow which was another betrayal as far as I was concerned. Fortunately for my husband's sake, he came out of the affair fog soon enough to give me an idea of who she was.

 

I did a little detective work and figured out who the OW was myself-it actually gave me a bit of feeling of control in those early days after d-day. Still, it is better if you can just tell your wife who the OW is and let the chips fall where they may.

[PhoenixRise]

i know we will survive it, that i know, how long it will take is anyones guess, i can tell she wants so badly to just love me and forget but of course thats impossible.

 

it just pains me to see the sadness and the devastation i have caused and i truly would take her pain away if i could.i cant watch her not sleep and eat and know that i am responsible for this.

 

i really hope it dosent turn into only anger and hatred, i am hoping we can continue on the path of making each other stronger and surviving this mess i created.

 

If she loves you as much as you say, then it won't be just anger and hate.

 

Believe it or not and as uncomfortable as it might make you, I would see anger as a good thing. To me it would signal the return of her self esteem.

[Athena]

this process is a tough one,as i told you my w and i have had some nice moments but today has been a disaster, earlier she was reading a card i wrote her in june and she ripped it up and she has been crying all day to the point she called my mom and told her.i then talked to my mom and was very open and honest.

 

Your W probably got very angry when she ripped up the anniversary card from you last month, since she now reads it from an entirely different perspective.

She is likely going to disbelieve you wanted her, loved her, or even meant anything you ever wrote to her (like that card). It's like a mockery of your M, to see the words in a wedding anni card now, and to Believe you didn't mean one word of it.

 

I suggest you tell her that having an A is a very complex matter and one you regret now, but at the time, you DID mean what you wrote in your card to her, and you 'compartmentalized' your feelings for W from your feelings for OW. Tell her it is possible to feel love for two people at once, although you realize with hindsight now, that what you felt for OW was Infatuation, passion, excitement etc brought on by the secrecy and the Only Showing the Best Sides of each of you to the other (you and OW). That what you have with W is the Real Thing, and you are sorry she feels pained and worthless, but that is what YOU feel about Yourself... and that is what drove you to 'escape' into a fantasy relationship, and you don't want W to punish herself by assuming she is not worthy of you or that you never loved her.

 

And tell her that you feel you are approaching Groveling stage... tell her you feel ashamed. Ask her what she needs you to do... have you read the Five Love Languages? You need to show your wife Affection.

[NOTSURE7]

Be very careful about rushing her through the process. When this whole thing started YOU were the one hiding your true feelings and feeling like you couldn't share who you really are with your wife. She really want to save the marriage so If you say or do anything that makes her feel like her healing process is pushing you away SHE may shut down and only start to show you what she thinks you want to see.

 

I get it that you want to make things better and make the pain all go away for her but even if I knew of some secret way to short circuit the process I wouldn't tell you about it. Know why? Because taking the shortcut will deprive you and your wife from truly getting to know each other on an intimate level.

 

As much as the process hurts, if you get the necessary help and make the necessary changes (both of you) then the rewards are priceless.

 

In starting over in my marriage, my husband and I are closer now than we ever were pre affair. Communication, intimacy, honesty, sense of adventure, family life- all much better- All because we went through the uncomfortable and painful process of starting over because we both thought our marriage was worth the effort.

 

There is something that is very powerful and affirming (although I know it doesn't feel this way at the time) about facing a marriage killing challenge like infidelity together and both parties coming out of it more sure than ever that you belong together.

 

i agree with you and just in the early stages i have felt the moments of intimacy and all those things that go with it, i have realized alot of how much i was also missing my family,so its early but i can see what your saying,when me and my w are laying together now and just holding hands we both realize wow,we never ever did this before, again i know we havea long road and i am in for some tough times but i at least see a light somewhere at the end of the long long tunnel.

[NOTSURE7]

7, as I said before, it is way too late to try "damage control". Now, because of your dishonesty and the OW'S , everything will probably have to come out. The Ow'S husband deserves to confront you anyway, don't you think?

 

yes i guess he does deserve too confront me but the thought is scary.

[NOTSURE7]

Has the other woman contacted you....or visa versa?

 

she wrote me an email with the usual i hurt her stuff but i didnt respond,its kind of a strange thing after you get out of the A for a few days all those intense wana spend the rest of my life feelings you had subside quite quickly.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7, I commend you for doing the right thing and confessing your affair(s) to your wife. You absolutely did the right thing for her and for you-even though I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now and it won't feel like it for quite awhile.

 

I agree with the others here who say that you must disclose who the OW is. It appears that you have done this partially by giving your wife the email address of the OW. That is a good start. As for the OW husband, does he know about the affair? If not, then this is a chance you take...that he will somehow find out through your wife. That is just one of the many consequences you will have to face as a result of your actions.

 

I can't remember...do you and the OW work together somehow? If so, your wife definitely needs to know if you will come into contact with this person.

 

My husband didn't want me to know who the OW was right after d-day. He was protecting his own azz since the OW worked for the same company and he thought somehow I might go ballistic or something and threaten his job. I felt like he was 'protecting' her somehow which was another betrayal as far as I was concerned. Fortunately for my husband's sake, he came out of the affair fog soon enough to give me an idea of who she was.

 

I did a little detective work and figured out who the OW was myself-it actually gave me a bit of feeling of control in those early days after d-day. Still, it is better if you can just tell your wife who the OW is and let the chips fall where they may.

 

no we dont work together at all, as far as i know her h dosent know a thing.

[Snowflower]

 

I suggest you tell her that having an A is a very complex matter and one you regret now, but at the time, you DID mean what you wrote in your card to her, and you 'compartmentalized' your feelings for W from your feelings for OW. Tell her it is possible to feel love for two people at once, although you realize with hindsight now, that what you felt for OW was Infatuation, passion, excitement etc brought on by the secrecy and the Only Showing the Best Sides of each of you to the other (you and OW). That what you have with W is the Real Thing, and you are sorry she feels pained and worthless, but that is what YOU feel about Yourself... and that is what drove you to 'escape' into a fantasy relationship, and you don't want W to punish herself by assuming she is not worthy of you or that you never loved her.

 

And tell her that you feel you are approaching Groveling stage... tell her you feel ashamed. Ask her what she needs you to do... have you read the Five Love Languages? You need to show your wife Affection.

 

This is a really good idea. Most BS don't know ANYTHING about how affairs actually 'work' on d-day. I know I didn't and actually neither did my husband-he was caught in his own turmoil without any understanding of what had happened.

 

If both the BS/WS understood the complexities of an affair early on-it might make it easier to begin the initial stages of recovery, which is coping with the destruction of the affair.

 

If you and your wife are able to do a good job of discovering what your affair was (and what it wasn't), why it happened, and what you can do to prevent it from recurring, you will have learned some of the ins and outs of an affair. I'm sure it will be knowledge that you wished you didn't have to learn but after all, knowledge is power!

[Athena]

i know we will survive it, that i know, how long it will take is anyones guess, i can tell she wants so badly to just love me and forget but of course thats impossible.

 

The anger she feels at what you did is part of her acknowledging that you Did Her Wrong -- that you did her an injustice... now... WHAT can you do to 'make this up to her?'. Ask her.

 

Ask her you want to Do Something to show 'atonement', so it's like a tangible way for you to apologize... ask her can she think of anything she'd like you to do (not just to say to her) to make up for what you did (and got away with for so many years, all of your A's...)... perhaps she might want you to go face the MW's husband and apologize... and when she outed you to your mom, I am sure it was out of desperation and to get your mother to talk some sense into you...

 

It would help if it's something you really do not want to do at all, that it's something very difficult for you to do, to face, or whatever... you see, your W is suffering with your betrayal, and you appear to be getting away with it Scott free -- so do something tangible to make her see you are doing your best to correct your poor and hurtful choices.

[PhoenixRise]

she wrote me an email with the usual i hurt her stuff but i didnt respond,its kind of a strange thing after you get out of the A for a few days all those intense wana spend the rest of my life feelings you had subside quite quickly.

 

 

Notsure

 

Completely block this woman from sending you emails. AND if you haven't already, TELL your wife about the email. Don't keep any secrets from her.

[NOTSURE7]

Your W probably got very angry when she ripped up the anniversary card from you last month, since she now reads it from an entirely different perspective.

She is likely going to disbelieve you wanted her, loved her, or even meant anything you ever wrote to her (like that card). It's like a mockery of your M, to see the words in a wedding anni card now, and to Believe you didn't mean one word of it.

 

I suggest you tell her that having an A is a very complex matter and one you regret now, but at the time, you DID mean what you wrote in your card to her, and you 'compartmentalized' your feelings for W from your feelings for OW. Tell her it is possible to feel love for two people at once, although you realize with hindsight now, that what you felt for OW was Infatuation, passion, excitement etc brought on by the secrecy and the Only Showing the Best Sides of each of you to the other (you and OW). That what you have with W is the Real Thing, and you are sorry she feels pained and worthless, but that is what YOU feel about Yourself... and that is what drove you to 'escape' into a fantasy relationship, and you don't want W to punish herself by assuming she is not worthy of you or that you never loved her.

 

And tell her that you feel you are approaching Groveling stage... tell her you feel ashamed. Ask her what she needs you to do... have you read the Five Love Languages? You need to show your wife Affection.

 

i have told her i feel ashamed because i do..i have told her i am sorry because i am.i do feel worthless and i am also in pain, none of it matches my w pain but i have pain in what i did .

 

yes she thought that exactly about the card,she said how could you wirte that to me and was sad that she thought none of it was true.although i will tell you that everything i wrote i believed.

[Owl]

Notsure

 

Completely block this woman from sending you emails. AND if you haven't already, TELL your wife about the email. Don't keep any secrets from her.

 

NS7...follow this advice...or you're just wasting your time 'playing' at recovery.

 

Anything less will just prolong your wife's agony, and prevent your marriage from recovering.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7...follow this advice...or you're just wasting your time 'playing' at recovery.

 

Anything less will just prolong your wife's agony, and prevent your marriage from recovering.

 

i will follow the advice and block her..i blocked her on instant message so i will do it with email now.

[Owl]

The week after our d-day and my wife's not being able to get on the plane to go live with OM, she decided to spend our time cleaning the house, organizing stuff, and basically preparing to seperate.

 

While cleaning out my closet, I came across a bag full of cards that she'd sent me over the years that I'd saved. Remember, this is shortly after I'd been devestated by this whole thing...

 

I saw the bag, fought back the tears...and dropped it in the trash bag.

 

My wife saw me, and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me why I was throwing them away.

 

I looked her in the eye and told her..."You've insisted we've been 'faking it' for years...that makes these cards all a LIE. I don't want to keep lies.".

 

She begged me to keep them, that our marriage hadn't been a sham, or a lie.

 

I did pull them back out and save them.

 

I'm glad that I did...but this should show you that this is a pretty common reaction from a BS.

[PhoenixRise]

i will follow the advice and block her..i blocked her on instant message so i will do it with email now.

 

 

ALSO

 

Tell your wife.

 

This will help you establish the habit of honesty with her AND It will help her rebuild her trust in you.

 

TELL HER