PhoenixRise Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 And NEVER ever say to her something along the lines of: "It's been three months already... you should be over it by now! How long is this going to take?!" grrrrrrrr :mad::mad: Exactly. Your wife will probaly NOT be in this stage forever, but it will take as long as it takes. A good counselor will be able to help her through it but YOU can not rush her through it.
2sunny Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 And NEVER ever say to her something along the lines of: "It's been three months already... you should be over it by now! How long is this going to take?!" grrrrrrrr :mad::mad: yep, that happened to me. my exh said to me and the counselor only after a month past dday - "do we have to keep talking about this - i wish you two would just get over it!" unbelievable. he cheated again and got caught ten years later... i never gave him the chance to even give his side of trying to explain a thing. his sense of entitlement the first time he was caught was too big for me to even begin thinking he would do anything but cheat over and over. i'm relieved the constant state of worry is no longer there.
OFGnomore Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 You really think this guy's threads will help NS7? Ive read through them, and my take that NS7 is sensitive and confused. This guy is a whole different animal IMO. God help his wife who is reconciling with him. Not all men think like him, makes me even more grateful for the H I have or the Reggies, or the Owls to name a few. And even those men who are unfaithful, this guy is way beyond a slip up and remorse IMO. The whole line if "W dumps me I'll just go with OW". Now that sounds like a H I'd want to reconcile with. Just a flip flop of who he's lying to at the current moment. Not my cup of tea for sure, but I tend to like my men higher up on the evolution chain. When you have the time to sit and read, here's 3 threads that will help you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127469/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135501/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137371/ The first two, by mattym are about his situation and the third link is by him as well, and is an interesting read.. Hope this helps SN.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 hi all- just wanted to update where i am and gets some input on what to expect.. so thursday was dday as most of you know, the next 3 days were awful,my w didint sleep,cried and cried,wasnt eating.. she hasnt stopped asking questions and i have been honest and i have apologized and i have also told her things i thought were lacking which led me to stray,although not an excuse it did offer her some insight.she gets sad and mad and feels worthless and obsessed with who this ow is, i do not want to tell her who it is because i dont want to escalate the situation and so far she is backing off,at least as far as i know. i have been at home basically since dday and today is my first day away from her and back to work and already she has called crying and told me she is ripping up our anniversary card.its so sad to me because i had so much love for her but just took it for granted and now i want it all back.. so all i have is time and i have been nice and honest and i have held her, she loves me so much and that is apparent,she has also gone through the strange phase of wanting to be with me and close to me, we have had sex more in the last few days than in a long time, we have also had many nice moments and have become closer in the last few days,she seems to really want to be close to me and touch me.. but of course there is so much anger and devastation and a feeling that she is worthless and ugly and that i dont love her.i try to reassure her everytime and thats really all i can do.. there are times she seems amazingly like she is passed this and calls me honey and we carry on like normal, obviuosly i know is not humanely possible to be over it but it gives me some hope. one thing i have realized is that we have alot of love and we havent even mentioned divorce as an option. this is a tough battle and i am literally living the darkest days of my life, but i am only 36 and i have pledged to her to make the rest of our lives the best it can be, we have planned a vacation for just the two of us in nov,i also am considering working from home and she will become my assitant, i have the capibitlity but never wanted too but i feel it will be nice for us. so we will see, i am still having regrets at times about telling her and revealing all but i realize it was the only way to break my cycle, my body actually feels like it is going through detox of some sort, i feel like the worst person in the world for what i did to this woman who loves me to no end. anyway as always any thoughts ,tips or experiences are appreciated and will help me in this very difficult time.
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I would like to pm you with some info and resources that might help if you are interested. If you aren't comfortable, would you check with my references...Whiteflower, Stampdaddy, Athena:D
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'll say it again: I'm proud of you for manning up. Surprised, yes, but proud nevertheless. Time to talk about MC.
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I'll say it again: I'm proud of you for manning up. Surprised, yes, but proud nevertheless. Time to talk about MC. He really did grow some brass ones didn't he? Great first step.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 i appareciate thata you are proud of me but i need some tips and help..
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 You're doing the right things. Are you two setup to do marriage counseling soon? That is the next most critical step. What about disclosing ALL of your email/IM/phone passwords and account information? Take a look for a book..."Surviving an Affair"...order it and use it to help start your marital recovery. Other than this, it sounds like you're already moving in the right direction all on your own, my friend. What other tips/advice are you looking for?
confusedinkansas Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 i appareciate thata you are proud of me but i need some tips and help.. Be patient. Those times when she calls you "honey" will come more often over time. I can't say that I think that the two of you working closely every day....all day - is a good idea. It takes a very special married couple to work together. And since you two aren't exactly on "perfect" terms yet.....I'd be very cautious with that idea. Answering her questions with care, patience & understanding really is the best thing you can do for her right now. I think the vaca idea is great one!!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Time. She's gone through so much that I suppose she is menatally spent. I don't think that you'll be able to hide the indentity of the OW forever, because eventually, she's going to figure out that if you don't love and trust her enough to tell her, then you are not truly being honest. If this happens too far after the dust has settled, then you're going to be putting her back pretty close to square one when she puts her foot down and demands to know. You are truly blessed, NS, with a wife who knows what "real love" is. I hope for your family that you learn to respect and protect your marriage. Kind of the way you lock your car doors and home every night to ensure that something doesn't get stolen.
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 i appareciate thata you are proud of me but i need some tips and help.. I want to give you info, that I don't think I can post here. That's why I wanted to pm you.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 she hasnt stopped asking questions and i have been honest and i have apologized and i have also told her things i thought were lacking which led me to stray,although not an excuse it did offer her some insight.she gets sad and mad and feels worthless and obsessed with who this ow is, i do not want to tell her who it is because i dont want to escalate the situation and so far she is backing off,at least as far as i know. I missed this the first pass. THIS HAS TO STOP...NOW!!!!!!!!!! You HAVE to tell your wife EVERYTHING...straight up. You CANNOT try to "protect" your OW from your wife!!!!! FULL and COMPLETE DISCLOSURE...that's the only way you're going to recover. Trust me...if you continue to hold this information out...it's going to eat at your wife, and eventually undermine your attempts at recovery. STOP. DO WHAT YOUR WIFE AND MARRIAGE NEEDS TO RECOVER.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 You really think this guy's threads will help NS7? Ive read through them, and my take that NS7 is sensitive and confused. This guy is a whole different animal IMO. God help his wife who is reconciling with him. Not all men think like him, makes me even more grateful for the H I have or the Reggies, or the Owls to name a few. And even those men who are unfaithful, this guy is way beyond a slip up and remorse IMO. The whole line if "W dumps me I'll just go with OW". Now that sounds like a H I'd want to reconcile with. Just a flip flop of who he's lying to at the current moment. Not my cup of tea for sure, but I tend to like my men higher up on the evolution chain. You're doing the right things. Are you two setup to do marriage counseling soon? That is the next most critical step. What about disclosing ALL of your email/IM/phone passwords and account information? Take a look for a book..."Surviving an Affair"...order it and use it to help start your marital recovery. Other than this, it sounds like you're already moving in the right direction all on your own, my friend. What other tips/advice are you looking for? i dont really know, i think i am doing the best job i can right now,she is so sad and hurt and i have been so comforting to her,we hold hands and i try to answer everything she needs,its strange but she seems happier when i am with her and when i go she misses me.. we already have the name of a good mc and will actually call today.i am also going to go to ic..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Be patient. Those times when she calls you "honey" will come more often over time. I can't say that I think that the two of you working closely every day....all day - is a good idea. It takes a very special married couple to work together. And since you two aren't exactly on "perfect" terms yet.....I'd be very cautious with that idea. Answering her questions with care, patience & understanding really is the best thing you can do for her right now. I think the vaca idea is great one!! we wouldnt be working closely, it would more be me being at home working and her helping me out a bit but she wouldnt actually be working with me..its more for closeness and to let her know i am home and i am here and not have her wonder. i have answered her every question with care and lots of patience because at time i even get a bit mad or frusturated and understanding part is simple as i did this.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I want to give you info, that I don't think I can post here. That's why I wanted to pm you. i dont know how to get the pm?, do i have to pay?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 I want to give you info, that I don't think I can post here. That's why I wanted to pm you. ok i think i enabled them now...
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 ok i think i enabled them now... Did you get my test PM?
PhoenixRise Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Notsure If your wife asks again who the OW is you MUST tell her. If you don't in the back of her mind she will always wonder. She will NEVER feel like she can trust you because she was never able to identify this threat to her marriage. You have to tell her if she wants to know AND you have to let her do whatever she needs to with that information if you want to truly recover your marriage. You Must Be An Open Book in every respect. Don't ever let a seed of doubt be planted in her mind. Don't let her wonder if you are more interested in protecting your OW than you are in fixing your marriage. It seems that you have stepped up in a major way in your dealings with your wife. Continue to do this. Expect major mood swings. Don't be surprised if she goes from wanting sex with you all the time (she is reclaiming) to not wanting to touch you with a 10ft pole for awhile. Be patient. Let her know that whatever she is going through and whatever she throws at you, you will be there and you will love her through it. Continue to let her know that you are exactly where you WANT to be. Make sure she knows that you did NOT just stay for the kids and that you truly love HER. AND I will say it again: Don't withhold any information that she is asking for. If she wants to know who the OW is tell her.
Athena Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I would like to pm you with some info and resources that might help if you are interested. If you aren't comfortable, would you check with my references...Whiteflower, Stampdaddy, Athena:D Ha ha! YES, I stand by as one of Bent's references! She is perfectly decent and safe to be in PM with, lol. On the other hand, Bent, you should just post the info and resources here, so others who follow this thread and need the same help can benefit too.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Did you get my test PM? yes i did , thank you
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Notsure If your wife asks again who the OW is you MUST tell her. If you don't in the back of her mind she will always wonder. She will NEVER feel like she can trust you because she was never able to identify this threat to her marriage. You have to tell her if she wants to know AND you have to let her do whatever she needs to with that information if you want to truly recover your marriage. You Must Be An Open Book in every respect. Don't ever let a seed of doubt be planted in her mind. Don't let her wonder if you are more interested in protecting your OW than you are in fixing your marriage. It seems that you have stepped up in a major way in your dealings with your wife. Continue to do this. Expect major mood swings. Don't be surprised if she goes from wanting sex with you all the time (she is reclaiming) to not wanting to touch you with a 10ft pole for awhile. Be patient. Let her know that whatever she is going through and whatever she throws at you, you will be there and you will love her through it. Continue to let her know that you are exactly where you WANT to be. Make sure she knows that you did NOT just stay for the kids and that you truly love HER. AND I will say it again: Don't withhold any information that she is asking for. If she wants to know who the OW is tell her. so she will really want to not touch me with a 10ft pole soon?, it seems strange because she seems to only want to be with me,i actually would have thought the 10ft pole stage would come first.. do you think that is even the case of a w who is truly scared that her H might leave her and the kids?, my w seems so scared that that might happen,she is devastated over the A but is also scared that i am going to leave her despite my reassurances to the contrary..i think what happened is because i revealed all to her instead of being found out, i started very strong and at the beggining of our talk i had plans to maybe leave but after talking for hours i realized i didnt want too leave and we have a love and a M worth fighting for, but the things i said at the beggining i guess have her very scared that i am capable of leaving and she says she loves me so much and please dont leave me.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 this process is a tough one,as i told you my w and i have had some nice moments but today has been a disaster, earlier she was reading a card i wrote her in june and she ripped it up and she has been crying all day to the point she called my mom and told her.i then talked to my mom and was very open and honest. i continue to say i am sorry and comfort my w but i also want to make sure i am not the groveling guy who says whatever she wants to hear for the sake of making things better.she asked me why i left her today, i said i had to work and she understood but i think its all part of her worrying. i truly feel like i destroyed this loving woman and its sad to see the destruction. if you love someone there is no A in the world that is worth it and i am seeing that now, but i beleive there is a silver lining here and although i cant see it now i feel our M will be stronger and better going in the future.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 She's going to be all over the board with her emotions. Shock is still so strong that you won't see the real anger for awhile. Also when the fear wears off she will go through different sets of emotions. All of it is to be expected. I know you said that she told one friend, and now your mom, but she needs to have some support besides you. Hopefully she will get some IC too. Its great that you two are going to MC and you to IC. From what you have said NS, she takes her role as wife and mother very seriously, so not only does she question everything about her R with you, she will eventually feel like her purpose has been worth nothing. Its a little different when a BS knows that there are major problems in a R and the two of you don't get along, but when it hits and you thought you had it all, it will make you question all that you are. The A will change her, eventually, in ways that neither can imagine. Handling things with kid gloves is important right now.
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