Snowflower Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 you are right, life as she knew it is dead..can you really build again with a stronger foundation? Yes you absolutely can build again, but it will take a willingness from both of you and it will be probably the hardest thing your wife will ever do. IF she agrees to try. I've been where your wife is and I did feel like I wanted to die but I survived it and so will she. You will survive this too! I like the idea of builidng a marriage with a stronger foundation as opposed to "rebuilding" because why would either of you want to "rebuild" your old marriage? It obviously didn't work for you and as time goes on, your wife will likely see that it didn't work for her either.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 We did. I went through what she's going through five years ago. I've got a WONDERFUL marriage today. how long did it take you ?
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 you are right, life as she knew it is dead..can you really build again with a stronger foundation? YES!!!! You can. If you are really willing to do the work necessary. If you are willing to be open and honest with your wife and to let her be open and honest with you. If you are willing to invest 100% into your marriage. If you are willing to actually BECOME a good man instead of just pretending. AND if your wife is willing to let you try. My H and I are doing this. It has not been easy. But for us it has been worth it.
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 how long did it take you ? It's not really a "how long did it take you" kind of situation. It didn't get better in a single shot. We didn't wake up one morning and have a better relationship that day than the day before. It's been a gradual improvement since d-day...five years ago. It wasn't all steady...some great leaps ahead, some great setbacks, it's not a constant thing. It was considerably better even a year later. Its far better than that today. But it's a PROCESS that is going to take work and time. You're not going to feel better tomorrow. You might feel a little better next week...and then have a setback to ground zero the next morning. Don't look for a quick fix. Don't expect us to tell you what day things are going to be great...we don't know. That's up to you, and your wife. Stop thinking about this as a journey to a set place with a set timeline and itinerary. It's a process...with no end.
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 you are right, life as she knew it is dead..can you really build again with a stronger foundation? Yep - My husband & I did.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Yep - My husband & I did. i hope so..
65tr6 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 ok all i need help now- i went home last night and told my w everything, i am seconfd guessing myself,i told her all about the ow and the past, she is so devastated, i have never seen pain like this,please please help me now, how do i get us through this, i wrote a nc letter to ow while w watched, please tell me it gets better NS, I had almost given up on you. I know in your heart, you want to work on your marriage. You did the right thing !! Next DO NOT make any decisions about your marriage for the next 6 months.... This is NOT going to be easy It will take PLENTY of time...months or even years (not days or weeks) The best you can do is be honest and answer all the questions she has and maintain total NC Hopefully seeing your wife hurt, you will start to feel the remorse that I had mentioned earlier..... Your wife will grieve the loss of your companionship, your marriage. It is nothing like you have experienced before. I cant tell you in words. But it is definetiely close or even worse than loosing your loved one. She will probably cry for weeks/months. The best you can do, if you want to help her, is help her heal. Take care of yourself and take care of her. Be honest. Use this life changing event to change yourself into a good human being. I am really glad you told your wife. Like I said this IS the first step. Not therapy, not any other bulls*. You have lot of work to do my friend....Take it as a challenge. The challenge of your life. Take the lead.
taylor Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 right now i feel like i am dying inside...i can only imagine how my w feels. What you are feeling are all the consequences of your actions. Hang on. You will feel these consequences for some time to come. It's the price you pay for what you have done. Glad you did the right thing and got off the fence. Now your wife has the truth she deserved. Now you are no longer dangling a carrot in front of another woman. Now you are taking responsibility for your behavior. Only time will tell which direction your marriage will take. IC and MC will help you and your wife determine where you each want to go from here. Like another poster said, I am concerned by your statement that you are "resigned" to work on your marriage. A person who, deep down in his heart, WANTS to save his marriage would have said he is RESOLVED to work on his marriage..not resigned. Another clear sign that will indicate how determined you are to save your marriage is how successful you are at maintaining NC with the MW. Again, time will tell. I, for one, am glad you took the time to write her an NC letter instead of just falling off the face of the earth. You inserted yourself in her life..you pursued her...so I was glad to see you ended it in a respectful manner. I do believe you owed her that since you are the one who initiated the affair. Less than 24 hours ago I accused you of not doing right by anyone in your life...and now you have done a 180. Good for you.
bentnotbroken Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i am awake, you know the worst part is after i told her all the things i was lacking in the M and all the things i wish were different in her, it all sounded so stupid and didnt warrant having an A and exposing it to boot. Most of the selfish decisions we all make don't ever survive the light of day. Exposing was the only way to give her two of the thing she really deserved...the truth and respect. That is the most precious gift you can give her right after all the years of deceit. It doesn't feel like it now, and probably won't for a really long time, but she will be grateful that you finally gave her the respect she gave you for years. She will see it as a turning point in you growth as a human, as a man. I don't know if you are for real or sincere about working on your life and marriage. And you now what, it really doesn't matter. I believe that if you are honest in your desire, you deserve all the tools you need to achieve your goals of healing. Forgive me if I cause you additional pain or offend you, that is not my intent, it is just who I am. Do you believe in God? Do you have a clergy person who could pray with you and your wife? Counseling is a great start and it will be the way that you get trough all the damage that you have both endured. But, I think that you need someone praying for your strength, courage and your fears. If not just dismiss what I said here. right now i am resigned to work on my m, i need to try and get that back...this is the hardest thing i have ever done,the consequences are so great. Don't use the term resigned. It is an anchor word. A weight to keep you in the place of doing nothing to improve yourself or your marriage. The use of the word, leads to the action of the word. You know the old saying be careful of your thoughts, they become words. Be careful your words, they become your actions. Be careful your actions they become your character. Does this make sense? So don't even let the thought of resigned, settled, or content enter your mind. They are defeatist and weigh you down. You are going to have to fight like you have never fought in your life. Not just for your wife, your children, but yourself. You are going to have to fight tooth and nail to never go back to your comfort zone of doing nothing. You will have to kick your own azz. You will have to look in the mirror everyday and tell that image "You will not stop me today! I will succeed if it is only one inch at a time." i don't know if this was a good idea, maybe i should have just said nothing or told her i needed therapy, i cant take this devastation, she will never forget this She will never forget. But she will heal. She will take the pain and grow in a positive manner because she really does love you. You said so yourself. She has a life, a history and a family with you. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that she won't get angry or won't feel the pain for years to come. She may even have a flash of resentment. But she sounds like a great wife and mother and she will continue to move forward. As far as taking the devastation, it's like never taking out the trash, eventually it overtakes everything and the only way to get through it is to clean and remove it slowly until it no longer exists. Put on your hip boots, gas mask and cleaning gloves. Bend your back and get to work. right now i am in what did i do mode....i cant believe the pain i have caused..she keeps calling,she is so angry. You ain't seen nothing yet. She is still in shock. Everything hasn't set in yet. Are you willing to man up and take whatever she has to throw at you. I am not talking about abuse (though you may get some of that too)I am talking about cleaning up the crap you tracked into your family. You are going to have to be willing to look at yourself without justifying or rationalizing any of your actions. Start from scratch. You know the funny thing is...hold the presses....I think you really love your wife as much as you can. You don't know how to love yourself so you don't know how to love anyone else. right now i feel like i want to die,please don't hit me with all my old quotes, i am devastated,i see the destruction, i need help, my kids are watching mommy cry and there is nothing i can do, i did this and it cant be undone As I and many have said before, whatever the mother feels, the kids absorb. Most WS and AP want to tell the wife that she should bulk up and not have any emotions around the kids to protect them from how she feels. That a "mature" woman won't do that to her kids:rolleyes: She will leave the adult business to the adults. Do you see it that way now? Knowing what you know, looking at your wife and kids and knowing that this pain was visited on her by 2 other (mainly you)people. Do you believe this won't have an affect on your children? I will say it is up to you what kind of lasting affect it will have though. The work you do on yourself, can break any cycle that has been set in motion. They can see you and your wife working to heal yourselves and them, whether you stay married or not. The past can't be undone, but it can be a catalyst for a better future. by the way i am not sure that if you are going to stay exposing the A is the right advice, this is so hard...i dont know what to do The right thing is always the hard thing. Not exposing the A would have only served you, an not well at all. It would have only allowed you to continue in the vain that you have lead your life thus far. Not only would you have continued to lie to your wife, but you would continue to lie to yourself. You don't know what to do because you have never lived your life in the light, in honesty. I pray that you and your family cling to each other and your find the strength hang on to each other. For you I pray that you find out who your really are. And you learn to love the person you find. Realize your blessings and the things that most important in your life. Give it enough time. Stats say it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to heal from the wounds of an A. and with your additional concerns, I am sure it will take longer...but it is worth it. I read on another site somewhere a post about a diamond buried in a garbage dump. You are giving the tools, the location, and the value of the diamond. But you have to dig for it. You have to dig for days. You are in the middle of rotting crap, smelly mess and you are knee deep in your own anger at not finding the jewel right away. Do you keep digging because it's value is priceless or do you walk away because it's too much work? God Bless you and your family. I know it took a lot of courage to do what your gut was telling you not to do on so many levels.
Snowflower Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 You ain't seen nothing yet. She is still in shock. Everything hasn't set in yet. Are you willing to man up and take whatever she has to throw at you. I am not talking about abuse (though you may get some of that too)I am talking about cleaning up the crap you tracked into your family. You are going to have to be willing to look at yourself without justifying or rationalizing any of your actions. Start from scratch. You know the funny thing is...hold the presses....I think you really love your wife as much as you can. You don't know how to love yourself so you don't know how to love anyone else. BNB, What a beautifully written, compassionate post. The whole post was so nicely written, so heartfelt. I only pasted a portion of it here but I hope that NS7 reads what you wrote and is given the strength to keep going.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 When you have the time to sit and read, here's 3 threads that will help you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127469/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135501/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137371/ The first two, by mattym are about his situation and the third link is by him as well, and is an interesting read.. Hope this helps SN.
OFGnomore Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 NS7, First let me apologize again about my thread yesterday, it was really not to single "you" out as much as it was to single out "the situation" which you may find if you spend time on infidelity boards is all too common. And as the responders who responded to that thread have much experience and wisdom about those who sit the fence they offer as much wisdom about what it means to heal and recover as I read through the many pages since you disclosed. Unfortunately, you're experiencing much of the pain and chaos which is quite normal after exposure. Weather the storm it will subside. And please use this opportunity to start a new life making your decisions whatever they may be based in integrity. Resist the temptation to get things back to "normal". You will have a new normal based in integrity if you choose. Make no promises to W other than being honest going forward and trust you'll be on the right track. And don't try to go this alone, seek out pastoral help or a qualified therapist for yourself and your marriage. And take strength in the fact that YOU confessed on YOUR OWN! No bust, no ultimatums. A huge step in getting your self respect back and rebuilding trust again in your marriage.
annieo Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 NS7 I piped in earlier - been away for awhile, just getting caught up. What you did was brave and right, telling her, you did the only thing you could do, since you still love her and have a conscience. Telling her says a lot about your character. Not saying you're perfect (who is?) but it takes some courage to admit that you messed up. A lot of men (well, cowards/sleazebag men) would wait to get caught. And then lie, lie, lie. Good for you for taking the high road in a messy situation that you have created. You have a soul, you have a heart. It will be a mess for awhile, maybe a long while, but you've at least given her the gift of honesty about who you are. That might be the slim twig that you can rebuild your marriage on. And don't expect calm for a long time, trust even longer. But you've released yourself from the wheel of repeated dishonesty, you've no one to be now, except yourself. That must be a relief. Good luck. I'm going through some stuff myself right now, I know how hard and confusing it can be (look for my thread, I feel like some words are coming A
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 And...start looking for a marriage counselor...one who understands the damage from infidelity, and knows how to help marriages recover through it. I'd ask if they are familiar with marriagebuilders, and/or can use that system to help you work through all of this. NS7 -- you must be HONEST during marriage counseling!!!!! It's your only hope! Please do not go through another charade of a counseling session.
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 BNB, What a beautifully written, compassionate post. The whole post was so nicely written, so heartfelt. I only pasted a portion of it here but I hope that NS7 reads what you wrote and is given the strength to keep going. BentnotBroken, I too, agree with Snowflower on your wonderfully written post -- really a great post!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 thank you for all your responses, this is a very tough time,we have been up and down,she is not sleeping or really eating and crying non stop and it pains me to no end.i have decided that i want this marriage and i have been open and honest with every question thrown my way,she knows all the details and even got so upset at my honesty. she is experincing such devastation, she told me she ffeels worthless,angry,sad and the list goes on, i think the emotional part of my A s what is killing her the most,she seems obsessed with the details and cant beleive i had feeling for the ow and said i love you to her, but she asks me the questions and i answer honestly.she seems obsessed with details of the ow and she wants to know who what where when and why, she wants to know who she is but i told her we dont need that confrontation in our lives,but i am not sure that will hold. i have told her that i see what i have and that all the tools are here,she really loves me and i know she wants me in her life and not just as the father of her children.we have had some nice moments but mostly this is hard. so far she has kept the kids from knowing and hopefully it will remain that way.we have been all over the place and all i can really do is listen and answer, i have no magic wand,but i feel her pain and i am experincing it too..she hasnt exposed the A to anyone except one friend and i belive she wants to keep it private, we will go to mc and i will have ic.i told her if she needs to confide in her mom she can but she dosent want them to hate me.she says she feels stuck having no one to talk too except me.i am talking as much as she wants though. i know only time will heal this,she has actually let me hug her which is a big step, she wants us both to get an std test next week and i said that would be fine.i know she needs that piece of mind. anyway if anone has any good tips from experince to help me through i would appreciate it,, i am so sad and right now if i could i would jump back in time and never have had this A. for anyone out there who loves there wife and family and is having an A, i will tell you, anything the A gave you will not be worth the devastation you will cause, i exposed the A and i can only imagine getting confronted with it. i have a long uphill battle,please continue your suppoort,its much appreciated
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 she is experincing such devastation, she told me she ffeels worthless,angry,sad and the list goes on, i think the emotional part of my A s what is killing her the most,she seems obsessed with the details and cant beleive i had feeling for the ow and said i love you to her, but she asks me the questions and i answer honestly.she seems obsessed with details of the ow and she wants to know who what where when and why, she wants to know who she is but i told her we dont need that confrontation in our lives,but i am not sure that will hold. *********** anyway if anone has any good tips from experince to help me through i would appreciate it,, i am so sad and right now if i could i would jump back in time and never have had this A. ((((((((Notsure7)))))))) hugs This is the toughest part. I have been through what your W is experiencing, right down to not wanting to tell family for fear of them hating my H, and having no one but H himself (the perpetrator) to confide in. Continue to honestly answer all of your W's questions about the affairs (you did tell her about ALL of the affairs, didn't you?!). She needs to find out and 'own' the truth so she can feel not so powerless and out of control... that's what all this grilling is for... at a point it will peter-out but for now she's going to obsess about it all. My suggestion is each time she asks about the emotional piece, answer her truthfully, and then tell her that you have heard/read that your infatuation with the OW is based on a Fantasy of how you perceived your affair partner, and although you felt it was love at the time, you have read that once the 'affair fog' lifts, you will one day look back at her and not feel that love as you thought and felt it. Another suggestion is to apologize from time to time -- don't stop just because you have said Sorry 25 times... each time a new piece of information is 'unearthed' she will feel pain all over again, and it does help to hear an apology. Betrayal is the worst pain. Tell her it is not that she was lacking anything as a wife and as a woman, but you were running away from your life and your reality by having a secret life. It felt exciting at the time, and it revived you and made you feel alive, but the OW is no better than your wife, but only a different woman that brought out wonderful special feelings, and she thought you were terrific, which was part of the attraction. Stress that is is not anything your wife DID to you that CAUSED you to have affairs. Granted, you have complaints about a M that was not perfect and you were feeling unhappy, but the solution was not to run away into fantasy land as you chose to do, but to have to confront yourself and your problems. You are a conflict avoider and you found it easier to run off. That is something you must work on (did you read up on it, my dear?! )
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Avoid any film with affairs in them... avoid looking over family photographs... these things will act as Triggers for your wife -- she will get very Angry when she sees anything with betrayal in them... and looking at photos will make her 'rethink' her truth and reality... it is very painful to look at photos of old, esp when the WS is smiling and the BS is wondering if that is a 'smirk' b/c all the time they were cheating. Warning... what lies ahead for your wife is to hit her ANGRY phase... don't be shocked... she's gonna be really mean at times. She will feel hatred for you and that will come and go. She will be all over the place. Try remain solid. Don't take her anger and hatred as irreversible things... take it as evidence of how much she loves you and that hurt makes her react like that... if she didn't love you, she would become Indifferent to you and divorce you. So, anger flaring up is coming... brace yourself.... it's a long ride... that's why they call it the Emotional Roller Coaster ride. But eventually it does come to the last part... where it's not so scary and bumpy... it is a coast towards the end. That is a long way off, so be prepared for Anything to happen... and don't give up, see it through -- it's a normal reaction at Infidelity. Good luck. I will be thinking of you.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 ((((((((Notsure7)))))))) hugs This is the toughest part. I have been through what your W is experiencing, right down to not wanting to tell family for fear of them hating my H, and having no one but H himself (the perpetrator) to confide in. Continue to honestly answer all of your W's questions about the affairs (you did tell her about ALL of the affairs, didn't you?!). She needs to find out and 'own' the truth so she can feel not so powerless and out of control... that's what all this grilling is for... at a point it will peter-out but for now she's going to obsess about it all. My suggestion is each time she asks about the emotional piece, answer her truthfully, and then tell her that you have heard/read that your infatuation with the OW is based on a Fantasy of how you perceived your affair partner, and although you felt it was love at the time, you have read that once the 'affair fog' lifts, you will one day look back at her and not feel that love as you thought and felt it. Another suggestion is to apologize from time to time -- don't stop just because you have said Sorry 25 times... each time a new piece of information is 'unearthed' she will feel pain all over again, and it does help to hear an apology. Betrayal is the worst pain. Tell her it is not that she was lacking anything as a wife and as a woman, but you were running away from your life and your reality by having a secret life. It felt exciting at the time, and it revived you and made you feel alive, but the OW is no better than your wife, but only a different woman that brought out wonderful special feelings, and she thought you were terrific, which was part of the attraction. Stress that is is not anything your wife DID to you that CAUSED you to have affairs. Granted, you have complaints about a M that was not perfect and you were feeling unhappy, but the solution was not to run away into fantasy land as you chose to do, but to have to confront yourself and your problems. You are a conflict avoider and you found it easier to run off. That is something you must work on (did you read up on it, my dear?! ) thank you for the advice
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Oh yeah, one more thing you can do: take ANY gift, photo, memento, ticket stub, emails, etc, and GET RID OF THEM... let your W see you throw them in the trash... she needs to purge you and her house of the OW. You seem surprised that she let you hug her... soon she will want sex with you -- it's her way of 'reclaiming' what's hers... enjoy that part Did you do what Owl said, and block ALL avenues of contact with OW? If you truly want to get rid of OW you must do that, and you must never ever contact her again... and let your W know the instant you receive anything from OW, no matter HOW personal... even is she sends you a horny email... show it to your W!!! That will go a long way to building Trust with you W.
tami-chan Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Tough but needed, NS7...however this will turn out it WILL be you and your wife's ticket to a truer life....I have been there and glad I heeded the advice of some good people here. We are routing for you!!!! Be patient and humble.
PhoenixRise Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Notsure You are getting into a really tough stage here. You wife is going to grill you and grill you over the details of the affair. You will have to go over it and over it again because for one thing, she is going to want to make sure that version 10 of your story is the same as version 37. She want to make sure she has the whole truth and that she has all the facts. Second, she wants to feel like she is gaining some measure of control of the situation since her whole life feels like it is spinning out of control. Continue to answer her questions, continue to tell her the truth. Regarding the identity of the OW.... if she accepts the answer you have given her.....fine. But don't ever let her start to think that you are overly interested in "protecting" the OW. Make sure she knows that the ONLY thing you are interested in is building a solid foundation for your marriage. Make sure that you let her know that your affair is NOT her fault. Don't let her blame herself. And Athena is right....apologize, apologize, and apologize some more.
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Notsure You are getting into a really tough stage here. You wife is going to grill you and grill you over the details of the affair. You will have to go over it and over it again because for one thing, she is going to want to make sure that version 10 of your story is the same as version 37. She want to make sure she has the whole truth and that she has all the facts. YES! She will need to determine for herself that you are not the Liar you were for all these years! The way she will be able to do that is by constant checking, re-checking and grilling you with hundreds of questions... that is the only way she will be satisfied you are telling the truth.... also, even if she believes you are giving her the truth, there is a measure of comfort for her to ask again and again for the truth, and you showing willingness to answer her. Just be sure your attitude is, as Tami says, a Humble one... so she cannot misinterpret you as being gleeful, smirking, or proud of what you've done...
Athena Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 And NEVER ever say to her something along the lines of: "It's been three months already... you should be over it by now! How long is this going to take?!" grrrrrrrr :mad::mad:
PhoenixRise Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 NotSure Ask your MC if he can suggest some good support groups for your wife. I have been in the situation where I had no one to talk to about my H infidelity except my H and it nearly drove me crazy (I eventually stopped keeping it a secret). She is probaly hurting more now than she ever thought she could and the only person she has to talk to is the person who has lied to her for years. Right now, even though you ARE telling her the truth she might not trust that.
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