PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i am awake, you know the worst part is after i told her all the things i was lacking in the M and all the things i wish were different in her, it all sounded so stupid and didnt warrant having an A and exposing it to boot. I know that right now in the middle of this emotional storm you are questioning the exposure of the affair. But truthfully, it took this exposure to wake you up. You never would have changed if you had not been honest with her. You did the right thing. Things will get better
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 NS, Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I've lost two children and my mother and together they don't compare to the pain of learning who my husband was or that my adored marriage was a sham. 5 years later and its still the first breath I take each day. This will get better or easier with time. I'm usually a proponent of 1) tell and 2) give the marriage a hard try. Your case was different to me, because I could see the outcome as plain as the nose on my face. That's why I suggested therapy, decision, plan to leave the house when you told your wife, and not to give her any false hope. You said you've taken care of everyone, so that is something that describes you kind of like wife and motherhood defined her. Ofcourse you want to hold her and make her pain go away. My guess is you would die for her, but you've never been able to bring yourself to live for her. when i first started i was leaning towards leaving, but as we talked i realized i wanted this m to work...but the pain is overwhelming,we were up all night, she is still crying and in shock and pain, i cant waffle now, i need to get her thoguh this pain, Its normal to feel this way, but if you lead her to believe in you, to sacrifice herself to give you another chance and then you return to the unhappy you are creating the most cruel act imaginable in my opinion. This is why I keep telling you not to use her love for you against her. Its not about getting her through the pain. Its about getting her to the otherside. Again, I'm truly sorry for your family's pain and confusion right now, I wouldn't wish that on a soul. Get some support for yourself right now so that you can learn to make the choices your willing to stand behind.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 maybe i did the right thing but it sure dosent feel that way....
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 besides revealing the A and answering her questions on intimate details of the ow i also told her alot of other hurtful things, such as the marriage is bs because i live a lie,i told her i want sure i was in love with her, this is going to be a tough ride.
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Telling was the right thing. As someone else said, stop second-guessing yourself on the first day of trying to work through this stuff. Of course she's devestated...you knew that she would be going into this. Accept that this is where she's at now, and start focusing on her. Stop focusing on how horrible you feel right now. Read that again, just in case you missed it. Stop focusing on how horrible you feel right now. Go back to focusing on what you can do to help your wife. Stop wishing this would all be over. That's a silly waste of time. THERE IS NO QUICK FIX. We've told you that over and over. Man up. You did the crime...and now you've got to do the work to fix the damage you've done by it. You've told her. It's done. NO MORE SECOND GUESSING THAT CHOICE. Buckle down and just help her cope for now. See where things go in the next few days. Keep your focus on your wife and family. NOTHING ELSE.
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 maybe i did the right thing but it sure dosent feel that way.... Facing the consequences of doing the wrong thing never feels good. But now you have a chance to be able to build some self respect. AND your wife will one day respect the fact that you were man enough to tell her the truth.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 NS, if you lead her to believe in you, to sacrifice herself to give you another chance and then you return to the unhappy you are creating the most cruel act imaginable in my opinion. This is why I keep telling you not to use her love for you against her. Its not about getting her through the pain. Its about getting her to the otherside. This is all I was trying to say, (not trying to use your own words against you). I say this only because my xMM did this in a way - leaving the door open and swearing NC with me gave her false hope. He didn't mean to do this, he just saw her so upset and crying and at that point just wanted to say ANYTHING to make her feel better. Trouble was, he didn't mean it. So he swore he'd end it with me, only to yank the rug out from her later. It's so much more cruel. You will get through this. You've taken a very big 1st step to sorting this all out. Good for you!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Facing the consequences of doing the wrong thing never feels good. But now you have a chance to be able to build some self respect. AND your wife will one day respect the fact that you were man enough to tell her the truth. i hope so, i gave her the truth, i offered it without even being asked. it was just so sad, she has gone through such a range of emotions, one minute she was pleading with me not to leave her and telling me she was so scared to be alone and then she gets so angry and mad at me and says if you want to leave, leave..
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 such as the marriage is bs because i live a lie,i told her i want sure i was in love with her, this is going to be a tough ride. Maybe hurtful, but true. Good for you NS, she needs to know the truth so that she knows exactly what's happening in her life. That took guts. Maybe there's hope for you after all.
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 besides revealing the A and answering her questions on intimate details of the ow i also told her alot of other hurtful things, such as the marriage is bs because i live a lie,i told her i want sure i was in love with her, this is going to be a tough ride. Do you want her to forgive you Notsure? Do you want her to WANT to work on the marriage? Or do you just want all these messy painful emotions to go away? I think you need to get really clear about what you want. Your clarity is very important in determining what if any part you play in your wife's recovery.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 This is all I was trying to say, (not trying to use your own words against you). I say this only because my xMM did this in a way - leaving the door open and swearing NC with me gave her false hope. He didn't mean to do this, he just saw her so upset and crying and at that point just wanted to say ANYTHING to make her feel better. Trouble was, he didn't mean it. So he swore he'd end it with me, only to yank the rug out from her later. It's so much more cruel. You will get through this. You've taken a very big 1st step to sorting this all out. Good for you! i forget, what ever happened to you and your xmm, and what happened in the end to him?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 it was just so sad, she has gone through such a range of emotions, one minute she was pleading with me not to leave her and telling me she was so scared to be alone and then she gets so angry and mad at me and says if you want to leave, leave.. I told you to expect to be living with Sybil for awhile. There are some really good books out there on what to expect after the affair is revealed, if you are in any frame of mind to read, they may help you understand what to expect and what your wife is going through.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Do you want her to forgive you Notsure? Do you want her to WANT to work on the marriage? Or do you just want all these messy painful emotions to go away? I think you need to get really clear about what you want. Your clarity is very important in determining what if any part you play in your wife's recovery. there were times i thought in my head, i want to leave but when it came time thats not what i realized i wanted. i do want fogiveness and i do want to try and make it work
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i hope so, i gave her the truth, i offered it without even being asked. it was just so sad, she has gone through such a range of emotions, one minute she was pleading with me not to leave her and telling me she was so scared to be alone and then she gets so angry and mad at me and says if you want to leave, leave.. This is normal. You guys have built a life together and it is the only life she knows, she doesn't want to lose it. BUT this is a huge betrayal she is trying to cope with. She loves you but she doesn't want you to stay if you don't love her.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 This is normal. You guys have built a life together and it is the only life she knows, she doesn't want to lose it. BUT this is a huge betrayal she is trying to cope with. She loves you but she doesn't want you to stay if you don't love her. i understand that,she is dealing with an enormous betrayal, not only does she now know i had a local ow for over a year but she also knows the intimate details. i agree she dosent want to lose it,she truly is scared.
Snowflower Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hi NS7, I haven't commented on your thread in a long time but I followed it all the way through. First of all, I'm glad to hear that you finally told her. This was the best possible thing you could have done even though it probably feels like you set off an atom bomb in your life and in your wife's. My husband confessed his affair to me without a lot of prompting...I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. He sat on the fence for awhile, too. While his A was very short-lived, I can understand a lot of what your wife is probably feeling right now. Try to be there for her without giving her false hope since neither of you knows what the future holds at the moment. No matter what ends up happening to your marriage at least there is an amount of respect now for both you and your wife. You can respect yourself for doing the right thing and your wife can have respect for you for coming clean. Don't worry about the future too much right now. Both you and your wife are caught in a storm of emotions and can't think clearly. Nothing needs to be decided now. Work on yourself, take care of your wife as best you can and get into IC. MC would also be great if BOTH of you are willing to give it an honest chance. Good luck to you!
Snowflower Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Think about this. Romance fades. True love isn't chemical, it's a conscious choice. It's the "I love you" part of the first quote. Hold on2 this, because it will sustain you. -ol' 2long I like what you have written here. I heard the old "I love you but I am not in love with you" from my XWH at one point. He later said he knew he always loved me...there was never a question. Nice thought about this quote though, thanks!
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i understand that,she is dealing with an enormous betrayal, not only does she now know i had a local ow for over a year but she also knows the intimate details. i agree she dosent want to lose it,she truly is scared. Of course she is scared. She probaly feels like her world has been turned upside down and she really doesn't have any idea what her new reality is going to look like. Get some good professional help to help you sort through this.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i forget, what ever happened to you and your xmm, and what happened in the end to him? Short version: We were both M. We started an EA. Within 3 months I realized I needed out of my awful M, seperated and the I divorced. Another year and 3 months goes by and I'd been frustrated with all xMM's false hope - He'd say I don't know what the future holds (in other words, maybe I'll leave, maybe I won't). I went on a date with someone else and he freaked. He said he realized how much I meant to him and committed to me and to leave his M. He screwed around for another months or 2, doing nothing. Then he started talking to W about the problems in their M. They started MC, but he was not invested, and still in contact with me. 1 month later, he was busted. The BW did a lot of the mood swinging your W is doing today and the BW is still swinging, a year after d-day. Everytime she'd cry or be angry at him, he'd feel so bad about her pain he'd say anything to stop the tears. He did tell her the truth at one point or another, that as much as he loved her, he was not "in love" with her, and probably never was. But then he felt awful for causing her so much pain. Over all this time he kept swearing no contact with me, but then she'd catch him contacting me anyway and it was like d-day all over again, but she never kicked him out. She started involving the kids and the community, making sure they knew "who their father really is" - (cheating bastard). He then continued to do nothing until November, when I told him I was leaving. He moved out for 3 days and then moved back in because he missed his kids so much. After Christmas, he started looking for a house and moved out March 1st of this year. She filed for divorce in late April, mostly as a scare tactic to get him to come home, because she really doesn't want it and until very recently, kept begging him to come home. He still has his prized posessions at the W's house and has not had the kids overnight at his house even though their rooms are all furnished and ready. He waffles and doesn't answer when his W when she asks if he will ever come home. Sometimes he says yes, other times he doesn't answer at all. I got sick of him refusing to set boundaries with her and the apparent lack of commitment in our relationship (after moving out, he sent the W a text, pleading with her not to divorce him even as i lay in bed next to him). And about that same time, his W wised up to the fact that he has still been seeing me (caught numerous times) and had no intention of coming back to her. So now she's pushing the divorce through to be final at the end of this month, and I am gone. And there he sits alone. Honestly, I am disturbed about how he treated me, but more disturbed at the potential he displayed at how to treat me by torturing her even though he had no intentions of going home, just couldn't get the courage to tell her that cause she'd get so upset. i think that was far crueler.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 NS: Don't do what Misty did. Frankly, there's no reason whatsoever for you 2 know anything about what's going on in your former OW's life from the moment you sent that NC letter. What she and her H do about their broken M is none of your business. Even if you and your W divorce, your affair was the big lie here and not something you could build a relationship on. -ol' 2long Yeah, I would not wish my hell on anyone. But just so we're clear, I did not leave my H for the MM. I was of course hoping he'd be around, but that wasn't the reason, and I am at peace with the D. Whatever you decide with your M has to be apart from the MW b/c she may not D and screw you around like MM did to me. Or she may leave, but it does you no good to maintain contact with her until you both are free. It's too much pain for everyone involved. Truly though my concern is with you, since you are the poster. You have introduced honesty in your life, that such a good first step. I just hope you can sort of what you really want so that you don't hurt your W more later if you are truly only "resigned" to try to minimize her pain. My xMM's theory was that parting slowly was less painful for her, instead it was more like a slow, agonizing, deceitful death. You may not know the answer right now, and that's ok, but please just keep this in mind, for everyone's sake.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 right now i feel like i am dying inside...i can only imagine how my w feels.
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 right now i feel like i am dying inside...i can only imagine how my w feels. Perhaps that lying decietful, part of you, the part with no backbone and no character, and no self respect IS dying. What will take its place Notsure? Your wife probaly feels like she is dying too (I felt that way after dday). And it is true. The old marriage, the way you two have lived all these years is dead. She will have to decide if she want to try to build a new marriage with you on a stronger foundation(if you both are willing).
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Perhaps that lying decietful, part of you, the part with no backbone and no character, and no self respect IS dying. What will take its place Notsure? Your wife probaly feels like she is dying too (I felt that way after dday). And it is true. The old marriage, the way you two have lived all these years is dead. She will have to decide if she want to try to build a new marriage with you on a stronger foundation(if you both are willing). you are right, life as she knew it is dead..can you really build again with a stronger foundation?
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 you are right, life as she knew it is dead..can you really build again with a stronger foundation? Yes! The foundation you had before was obviously shaky at best because it was built on lies. You can be yourself and have a chance at a more genuine happy life no matter what happens with your M.
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 you are right, life as she knew it is dead..can you really build again with a stronger foundation? We did. I went through what she's going through five years ago. I've got a WONDERFUL marriage today.
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