Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 basically she was asking me why i was so distant and angry and i just broke...i decided to be open and honest, the devastation i thought i would cause was tenfold, i cant even think or breathe, i was up all night...please tell me it gets better, i told her i will do whatever i have too
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 THAT'S where it will get difficult. IF she responds, you need to try to be strong & don't answer emails, etc To make it easier, block and delete the MW from your email. Change your cell number.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Maybe I missed something, but there was 40 pages of hammering here that boils down to one directive: make a decision. You can't tell him now that he doesn't have to make one. That makes no sense. Decision to TELL His wife the truth. Right now NEITHER of them can predict how they're going to feel next week, next month or next year. At this particular moment to say "let's just divorce" is crazy. For all we know, this could really make him realize that he does love his wife after all. That's all I'm getting at here.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 basically she was asking me why i was so distant and angry and i just broke...i decided to be open and honest, the devastation i thought i would cause was tenfold, i cant even think or breathe, i was up all night...please tell me it gets better, i told her i will do whatever i have too Don't tell her that because it is true all along you have said to us that you weren't "inlove" with her and you've felt something has been missing from day one. THERAPY is going to help you. What if your addiction problems are so bad and that's what has been preventing you from living a full and honest life with your wife? The best thing you can do is fix "you", allow your wife to grieve in her own way, don't try to fix this for her - You can't. And also, don't give her hope that you WILL stay married. You are reacting to her pain. The best answer is you don't know yet and that you're going to seek counselling to help you find out what you want.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 i know this is all new but i literally cant breathe or focus, she is at home crying,so devastated,she really loved me,she has a friend who is a therapist and she is coming over, i am sure that will open up more questions.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Decision to TELL His wife the truth. Right now NEITHER of them can predict how they're going to feel next week, next month or next year. At this particular moment to say "let's just divorce" is crazy. For all we know, this could really make him realize that he does love his wife after all. That's all I'm getting at here. I agree, I just meant that it sounds like he already decided to not divorce and is waiting to see what his W wants to do. He may change his mind, he may not. I just keep thinking that if he hasn't already really resolved to want to save his M, the end of all this pain he's dealing with right now is pretty predictable.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Don't tell her that because it is true all along you have said to us that you weren't "inlove" with her and you've felt something has been missing from day one. THERAPY is going to help you. What if your addiction problems are so bad and that's what has been preventing you from living a full and honest life with your wife? The best thing you can do is fix "you", allow your wife to grieve in her own way, don't try to fix this for her - You can't. And also, don't give her hope that you WILL stay married. You are reacting to her pain. The best answer is you don't know yet and that you're going to seek counselling to help you find out what you want. Excellent points. This has now evolved to a situation I haven't experienced and so I don't know that I have anything esle helpful to contribute, so I'll sign off here. Good luck to you NS7.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i know this is all new but i literally cant breathe or focus, she is at home crying,so devastated,she really loved me,she has a friend who is a therapist and she is coming over, i am sure that will open up more questions. I'm sure this isn't easy to see her like this - All you can do is now is give her space, allow her to come to you when she needs to talk. Make sure SHE knows that you are going to seek therapy for yourself as well, so you can fix what's broken inside of her. Right now she's probably blaming herself - YOU need to make it clear that she's done nothing wrong that it's you and your own issues that created this mess. Keep posting NS.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 right now i am resigned to work on my m, i need to try and get that back...this is the hardest thing i have ever done,the consequences are so great.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 i dont know if this was a good idea, maybe i should have just said nothing or told her i needed therapy, i cant take this devastation, she will never forget this
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i know this is all new but i literally cant breathe or focus, she is at home crying,so devastated,she really loved me,she has a friend who is a therapist and she is coming over, i am sure that will open up more questions. {{hug}} If I could hug you for real - I would. You really need one!! Please just try to breathe ( I know how difficult it is) Focus (Again...Very hard to do)....You will be ok. Just remember - This has gone on for years - I'm not saying it's going to take that long to feel better, but you are "in the heat of the battle" so to speak.
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i know this is all new but i literally cant breathe or focus, she is at home crying,so devastated,she really loved me,she has a friend who is a therapist and she is coming over, i am sure that will open up more questions. The questions have barely begun. This is going to take TIME and WORK to get through. Time to put your shoulder to the wheel, my friend. You need to do everything you can to help your wife work through this. You caused it, and you'll be the primary healer to help her recover. The good news is that this process can hopefully fix YOU as well. BE HONEST with her now...and keep it that way. The advice to give your wife all your passwords and logins is on the money...make it happen. NOW, while you're still remorseful over the damage you've done, and truly want to work on this. You're both going to be on a major rollercoaster ride for a while now...ups and downs that will make you giddy. Realize that's all part of the process.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 right now i am resigned to work on my m, i need to try and get that back...this is the hardest thing i have ever done,the consequences are so great. one last thing here because I can't resist - "resigned" has a interesting connotation. Is that really what you mean? That doesn't sound like someone who is happy with their decision. and 2, get what back? i thought you said you never had it in the 1st place?
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i dont know if this was a good idea, maybe i should have just said nothing or told her i needed therapy, i cant take this devastation, she will never forget this You're right - she won't forget. But that's really not such a bad thing. HER pain will get easier too. Just as yours will. IF she decides to stay with you & forgive you...She has a long road ahead. But it will be a decision SHE has made & you keep saying what a good woman she is.....Well, give her some time to sort thru things. & Stop second guessing yourself. You'll go CRAZY if you keep doing that. What's Done Is Done. Can't un-do it.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 right now i am resigned to work on my m, i need to try and get that back...this is the hardest thing i have ever done,the consequences are so great. But NS, your marriage (from your end) has been broken for a long time. The affair is just a symptom of what you've felt for a long long time. i dont know if this was a good idea, maybe i should have just said nothing or told her i needed therapy, i cant take this devastation, she will never forget this NO. You did the right thing by telling her. Now she knows what's what and she now has input on what happens. This isn't just about you and what you want. SHE has a say in this finally -And like or not, it's a good thing. A marriage is for TWO people not just one. She has every right to choose to not stay married, or choose to work it out with you. You are right, she won't forget..But she may/can forgive.
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 one last thing here because I can't resist - "resigned" has a interesting connotation. Is that really what you mean? That doesn't sound like someone who is happy with their decision. and 2, get what back? i thought you said you never had it in the 1st place? Posters - Why do you have to keep bringing up past things he's said - He's in great pain right now & isn't thinking clearly. Give him time to sift thru this before you start badgering him with things he has said in the past month.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Good point Confused. He needs to focus on TODAY and getting through this without being beat up about what he's said yesterday or the day before that. Things change obviously and for all we know this could wake him up and bring out real passion and love for his wife. It happens.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 right now i am in what did i do mode....i cant believe the pain i have caused..she keeps calling,she is so angry.
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 right now i am resigned to work on my m, i need to try and get that back...this is the hardest thing i have ever done,the consequences are so great. Notsure I know that right now you are in the middle of an emotional situation but if your perspective has not truly changed about the marriage you need to stay honest about that. I saw where you wrote a NC letter to the OW. That is great if what you truly want is to be married to your wife. As bad as the pain is, it will be much worse if you allow your wife to go through all the hard emotional work of trying to forgive you and work to make the marriage better if you are just going to be "resigned" to working on the marriage. If you truly don't want the marriage then make that clear and walk away. The right thing is not always easy. You did the right thing by telling her. Continue to do the right thing by staying honest with her. Don't promise her things to make her feel better. Don't promise her things to make YOURSELF feel better. Tell yourself and her the truth from now on. Get YOurself some IC Things will get better.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 WOW! It does get better! It may not feel like it now, but trust those of us that have been there. As long as you have made up your mind (as I said yesterday) that you are going to give the marriage 100% then it will be fine. It'll take time & that's something you need to be willing to give your wife...Time! Time to think, heal, figure what's bouncing around in her head now. You will get thru this. Did the other woman respond? - THAT'S where it will get difficult. IF she responds, you need to try to be strong & don't answer emails, etc. Not that my opinion matters - but I am proud of you - this is kind of what I was hoping for, for you. I think you just had a time in your life where everything seemed so uncertain & the affair makes everything very cloudy. I am a lil' curious though how it all went down. Good point Confused. He needs to focus on TODAY and getting through this without being beat up about what he's said yesterday or the day before that. Things change obviously and for all we know this could wake him up and bring out real passion and love for his wife. It happens. right now i feel like i want to die,please dont hit me with all my old qoutes, i am devastated,i see the destruction, i need help, my kids are watching mommy cry and there is nothing i can do, i did this and it cant be undone
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Good point Confused. He needs to focus on TODAY and getting through this without being beat up about what he's said yesterday or the day before that. Things change obviously and for all we know this could wake him up and bring out real passion and love for his wife. It happens. Perhaps he was taking her for granted or maybe he was rewriting some marital history to justify the affair. Maybe this DID wake him up.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 i am awake, you know the worst part is after i told her all the things i was lacking in the M and all the things i wish were different in her, it all sounded so stupid and didnt warrant having an A and exposing it to boot.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 by the way i am not sure that if you are going to stay exposing the A is the right advice, this is so hard...i dont know what to do
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 right now i am in what did i do mode....i cant believe the pain i have caused..she keeps calling,she is so angry. She will probaly be very angry for quite awhile. There is nothing you can do right now except accept her anger.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 She will probaly be very angry for quite awhile. There is nothing you can do right now except accept her anger.[/quote i know that and i just wish it would all go away...
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