whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Your latest OW is left dangling on a string. No, she isn't. The OW is a MW and she is just as much a player as he is. SHE also agreed to NC but it seems she can't stay in NC mode either. She has no intention of leaving her husband and kids, the affair is/was just an affair - Nothing more, nothing less.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 ok all i need help now- i went home last night and told my w everything, i am seconfd guessing myself,i told her all about the ow and the past, she is so devastated, i have never seen pain like this,please please help me now, how do i get us through this, i wrote a nc letter to ow while w watched, please tell me it gets better
Owl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 IT GETS BETTER. Not right away...it took a long time for things to get this screwed up. It's going to take a long time to fix and recover. BUT YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I'll be honest...I didn't think you had it in you. But you stepped up! Now...you sent OW an NC letter...good. Next step, and you need to do it now while you're seeing the pain and devestation caused by your affair...you need to block OW from all of your avenues of contact, and give your wife full access to them so that she can ensure that you remain in NC. And...start looking for a marriage counselor...one who understands the damage from infidelity, and knows how to help marriages recover through it. I'd ask if they are familiar with marriagebuilders, and/or can use that system to help you work through all of this. Do it today. Take ownership of your wife's pain. Show her that you intend to do the work to help her recover, to help your marriage recover. I know it doesn't feel like it now...but it was the right thing to do!
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Ok, wow. That was a turn I didn't expect. Glad to see you are off the fence though. The question is, do you really mean it? Yesterday you said you did not want to stay away from the OW. Does all this mean you decied to invest yourself in the M? I sure hope so. No waffling, follow owl's wise advice. You picked a path, now stick with it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 IT GETS BETTER. Not right away...it took a long time for things to get this screwed up. It's going to take a long time to fix and recover. BUT YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I'll be honest...I didn't think you had it in you. But you stepped up! Now...you sent OW an NC letter...good. Next step, and you need to do it now while you're seeing the pain and devestation caused by your affair...you need to block OW from all of your avenues of contact, and give your wife full access to them so that she can ensure that you remain in NC. And...start looking for a marriage counselor...one who understands the damage from infidelity, and knows how to help marriages recover through it. I'd ask if they are familiar with marriagebuilders, and/or can use that system to help you work through all of this. Do it today. Take ownership of your wife's pain. Show her that you intend to do the work to help her recover, to help your marriage recover. I know it doesn't feel like it now...but it was the right thing to do! i feel like i want to die,i cant beleive the pain and devastation i caused, but i never was going to stop., we are looking for an mc today, i dont see how this gets better, i was up all night with her,crying and asking questions, i answered them all honestly, she knows all about the ow..
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 ok all i need help now- i went home last night and told my w everything, i am seconfd guessing myself,i told her all about the ow and the past, she is so devastated, i have never seen pain like this,please please help me now, how do i get us through this, i wrote a nc letter to ow while w watched, please tell me it gets better Man, like Owl I'm surprised; I didn't think you had it in you either. Just a day or two ago you seemed unsure whether you want to remain married. Any new thoughts there? Your choice will dictate your next moves and any advice you get here.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Ok, wow. That was a turn I didn't expect. Glad to see you are off the fence though. The question is, do you really mean it? Yesterday you said you did not want to stay away from the OW. Does all this mean you decied to invest yourself in the M? I sure hope so. No waffling, follow owl's wise advice. You picked a path, now stick with it. when i first started i was leaning towards leaving, but as we talked i realized i wanted this m to work...but the pain is overwhelming,we were up all night, she is still crying and in shock and pain, i cant waffle now, i need to get her thoguh this pain,
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 ok all i need help now- i went home last night and told my w everything, i am seconfd guessing myself,i told her all about the ow and the past, she is so devastated, i have never seen pain like this,please please help me now, how do i get us through this, i wrote a nc letter to ow while w watched, please tell me it gets better I'm proud of you, that you opened up and told her. Atleast now it's out there and you two can figure out where to go next.. Next step - Marriage counselling, together and apart (but use the same person for both.)
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 ok all i need help now- i went home last night and told my w everything, i am seconfd guessing myself,i told her all about the ow and the past, she is so devastated, i have never seen pain like this,please please help me now, how do i get us through this, i wrote a nc letter to ow while w watched, please tell me it gets better Notsure As painful as this all is right now you did the right thing. It will get better. Now you at least have a chance of either building a REAL relationship with your wife (if you both are willing) or walking away with some integrity. Stay honest... with your wife and with yourself and keep posting. It will take some time, but things will get better.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 when i first started i was leaning towards leaving, but as we talked i realized i wanted this m to work...but the pain is overwhelming,we were up all night, she is still crying and in shock and pain, i cant waffle now, i need to get her thoguh this pain, I'm curious, what changed your mind? Yesterday you seemed certain that you were not willing to give up MW. Seems like a fast turn out so it must have been something significant. I hope it is more than just guilt, a genuine desire to work on your M.
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 when i first started i was leaning towards leaving, but as we talked i realized i wanted this m to work...but the pain is overwhelming,we were up all night, she is still crying and in shock and pain, i cant waffle now, i need to get her thoguh this pain, Good for you. Listen to the advice regarding MC. I'd add a note that, as your wife processes this (as best she can), you're going to find yourself being a verbal punching bag. It's normal. And you need to take her punches as compassionately as you can. Actually, I think you'll do well at this. You certainly absorbed our punches without much flinching or defensiveness.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i feel like i want to die,i cant beleive the pain and devastation i caused, but i never was going to stop., we are looking for an mc today, i dont see how this gets better, i was up all night with her,crying and asking questions, i answered them all honestly, she knows all about the ow.. All you can do now is answer everything that she asks, no matter what. Don't feel you'll hurt her more by being honest - The truth is what she wants, even if you think she can't handle it, she can. I think your wife is ALOT stronger than you realize, it's just right now she's in total shock and didn't see this coming. when i first started i was leaning towards leaving, but as we talked i realized i wanted this m to work...but the pain is overwhelming,we were up all night, she is still crying and in shock and pain, i cant waffle now, i need to get her thoguh this pain, This stuff will be talked about in counselling and right now you need to focus on today, not the future at the moment. One thing, you created this pain for your wife so she needs to let her get through it on her own, in her own way. Yes, you can prove your love, prove that you can be trustworthy again, but ONLY if you deal with your own issues first. There's no point in saying I want this marriage because you did want out for a long time. You could be reacting to her pain, seeing the devastation it's caused - THAT isn't a reason to stay married, to ease her pain and make her happy again. YOU BOTH have to want this marriage, and both be willing to work on it together - New boundries, new rules, communication, no more lying, hiding truths or anything.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'm curious, what changed your mind? He's been saying for days now that he can't go on like this much longer, that it's getting harder for him to lie and hide all this from his wife. I'm sure alot of what we've said has helped and given him the courage/strength to talk to her.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 There's no point in saying I want this marriage because you did want out for a long time. You could be reacting to her pain, seeing the devastation it's caused - THAT isn't a reason to stay married, to ease her pain and make her happy again. YOU BOTH have to want this marriage, and both be willing to work on it together - New boundries, new rules, communication, no more lying, hiding truths or anything. Bingo. NS7, If you are doing this for the wrong reasons, you will cause your wife WAY more pain in the end, because it isn't going to work, and you'll have wasted more of her time.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I hope it is more than just guilt, a genuine desire to work on your M. See, this statement is wrong. Reguardless of his reasons to tell, he knew SOMETHING had to happen so the misery would stop. Whether or not they stay together or divorce, the truth is out there finally.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 He's been saying for days now that he can't go on like this much longer, that it's getting harder for him to lie and hide all this from his wife. I'm sure alot of what we've said has helped and given him the courage/strength to talk to her. I meant changing his mind about the M. There was a lot of back and forth, but he seemed to be leaning toward exit.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 See, this statement is wrong. Reguardless of his reasons to tell, he knew SOMETHING had to happen so the misery would stop. Whether or not they stay together or divorce, the truth is out there finally. I didn't mean reasons to tell. He had plenty of good reasons to tell. It was killing him to keep living a lie. I meant reasons to stay in the M. Guilt alone isn't a good reason to preseve a M.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Bingo. NS7, If you are doing this for the wrong reasons, you will cause your wife WAY more pain in the end, because it isn't going to work, and you'll have wasted more of her time. Or this is the wake up call he needed. Maybe this will make him see her in a new light, and he'll put more into HER and the marriage but from the heart and mean it. Anyway, no need to think ahead, take this one day at a time. Anything can happen, for all we know his wife could realize she wants out of the marriage.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 He's been saying for days now that he can't go on like this much longer, that it's getting harder for him to lie and hide all this from his wife. I'm sure alot of what we've said has helped and given him the courage/strength to talk to her. i just had enough and she was asking me why i am acting so distant etc etc and i just gave it all up, all the details, she asked if i said i love you to ow and i sad yes,she asked about sex, i gave her every honest answer, i jts can beleive the devastation i have caused her.. i ruined her life, all for a silly A
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Or this is the wake up call he needed. Maybe this will make him see her in a new light, and he'll put more into HER and the marriage but from the heart and mean it. Let's hope so. But at least the groundwork has started now.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 There was a lot of back and forth, but he seemed to be leaning toward exit. This is what counselling is for, to help them both work together on a decision, to save the marriage or end it. Neither should make any decisions yet due to the high emotion involved. NS, just be prepared for one thing. Your wife MAY want to talk to the MW, even possibly tell her husband. DO yourself ONE favour, don't give the MW warning if your wife chooses to do this. You need to stay in NC mode and if the MW emails you, do not email her back and immediately show your wife the email. The MW is NOT a priority here and you owe her NOTHING.
PhoenixRise Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Notsure Take this opportunity to find yourself a good IC Whether or not you are able to recover your marriage to your wife, I know you never want to be in this kind of situation again. Before you hesitated to go to counseling because you didn't know how you would explain it to your wife. NOW you can tell her honestly that you are going to IC to figure yourself out because you never want to cause someone this kind of pain again. AND if you want to recover the marriage, going to IC to work on yourself is a good way to show your wife you want to change. Just make sure you stay honest.
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 WOW! It does get better! It may not feel like it now, but trust those of us that have been there. As long as you have made up your mind (as I said yesterday) that you are going to give the marriage 100% then it will be fine. It'll take time & that's something you need to be willing to give your wife...Time! Time to think, heal, figure what's bouncing around in her head now. You will get thru this. Did the other woman respond? - THAT'S where it will get difficult. IF she responds, you need to try to be strong & don't answer emails, etc. Not that my opinion matters - but I am proud of you - this is kind of what I was hoping for, for you. I think you just had a time in your life where everything seemed so uncertain & the affair makes everything very cloudy. I am a lil' curious though how it all went down.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i just had enough and she was asking me why i am acting so distant etc etc and i just gave it all up, all the details, she asked if i said i love you to ow and i sad yes,she asked about sex, i gave her every honest answer, i jts can beleive the devastation i have caused her.. i ruined her life, all for a silly A I am sorry that you're suffering, and sorry that your wife is in this much pain. But, atleast now things will change for the better. I know right now it doesn't seem that way, but it already has changed because you've been honest and upfront. And, even if she isn't showing it, she does have some respect for you for coming clean finally. Remember, the affair, just like the gambling, is your addiction problems. Your own issues that you need to get help for and deal with and work through. Those won't go away until you face them head on and change your own behaviour.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Neither should make any decisions yet due to the high emotion involved. Maybe I missed something, but there was 40 pages of hammering here that boils down to one directive: make a decision. You can't tell him now that he doesn't have to make one. That makes no sense. Apparently he decided to stay in the M (let's hope for the right reasons). Now she has a decision to make, and he's going to have to give her time to do it. Far as I can tell, she is the only one with a decision to make now.
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