Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Ahhh....the ole' "Waffling" Yeah, been there/done that too. What is it that you think you are missing out on by being married? Do you believe the grass is greener? Is this what it's all about....OR Truthfully... IS it about leaving FOR the other woman? Only you can answer these questions & look yourself in the mirror! its not an exact thing i can pinpoint, i dont think its that marriage itself has made me miss out on something.i just think sometimes that i should have married a woman that was more for me and that maybe i am trying to undo the wrong, i seem to get into these deep emotional connections and the sexual part to me becomes secondary.my life is all about my kids now, i dont feel like i have a life of my own and my W just dosent get that, she beleives in kids,family,kids only. maybe at the end of the day its about the ow and the fantasy life i think i would have, when i picture being with her i feel so alive and picture the life i should have had, but on the flip side i wanted the life and the kids so i have to give up my kids to find my happiness.. although i know reality that life with the ow will be the same thing at some point and i will just be living with her kids. wow am i screwed up.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Holy CATS, NS7 - how long does it take, really, to decide to do the right thing? You KNOW already whether you want to stay in the marriage, you just won't man up enough to do right by your wife/kids. JUST DO IT (my apologies to Nike) for Heaven's sake!!!!! no i rally dont know if i want to stay in the marriage or not..i know it sounds like i want out but im am not sure tha is the case, i think sometimes i want to just be free of guilt but i dont want to do that at the cost of having to hurt another also if i tell her and work on the marriage i am not sure i can handle it, right now i am not happy and life at home is peachy, i cant imagine going home to a W who found out who i really am.
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 NS7, You cannot have it both ways while you "figure it out". For one, you will not get this luxury. I promise you, you will get busted, you are closer than you think. Secondly, how is it fair for you to take all this time to figure out what you want while you string along your wife who doesn't even know she has a choice to make (whether to stay in the M). Honestly it sounds like you are afraid of being what my xMM called the "oops guy". The guy who leaves, then wants to come back. Listen to me carefully: You will never, ever, ever have any degree of absolutely certainty of having no regrets if you choose to leave. And it's so CRUEL for you to placate your wife while you try to figure it out. You don't get to have a plan B (if I change my mind about leaving, I can go back to my W), your wife sure doesn't. You are saying in the EXACT same words everything my xMM said. Your fate will probably be the same because I sense the same feeling of helplessness at your refusal to choose one way or the other through action. I know you want to change things, but WANT isn't enough. My xMM decided after a year long A (and the fact that I left him to date someone else) that he wanted to leave. It took him another 8 months and his W throwing his clothes at him to implement it. And all the while the excuse was "this is so hard for me, everytime I think of leaving, I look at the kids and I can't." Now, 4 months post "moving out", most of his stuff is stiall at the W's house, he spends almost all his time there and has yet to seperate their finances or consistently tell the W it's over. He even told me that he was basically hoping for a trial run with me, but wanted to leave the door open to go home. Two major problems with this: INCREDIBLY cruel and unfair to both the W and me because he strings us both along to avoid real choice; and second, it isn't giving my relationship with him a fair shake if he keeps the W in the picture (just as he did not give his M a fair shake by leaving me in the picture). I predict right now that you are going to flail for another year or so. My xMM flailed himself crazy and every day was supposedly his "breaking point". Nothing ever really "broke" him to make a decision though, b/c neither the W nor me forced him to actually decide - we trusted him to make a decision. And he did, his decision was both, and now he lost us both. For the last time, DO something. All the thinking and wanting means nothing. You will lose all that you value most (your W, the OW, the respect of your kids) if you keep this up. No more excuses, one foot in front of the other. No waffling. Be the roadrunner (he doesn't look down as he runs off the cliff, and so he never falls). I used to visualize myself at the edge of a cliff with my eyes closed and arms extended and the wind blowing past me. Then I'd picture myself leaning and falling slowly, the wind underneath me and a big smile on my face--- because I trusted the outcome. Make the decision and trust the outcome. Everything will turn out as it should be as long as you act with integrity - and that means integrity to yourself too - no more lying about who you are.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 so misty are you saying i that i should tell my W but i should know which path i want to take before doing so?
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 one more thing - leaving your M does not mean leaving your kids. That's ridiculous! (and the same nonsense my xMM used to say!). If you are such a great dad, what would stop you from continuing to be involved in their lives and activities, liberal visitation, etc? Your kids and your W are separate entities. You do not have to be married to their mother to be a good father. One would argue you might be a better father with a clearer head outside the M. Ok, maybe 2 more- Consider hard the fact that she already tossed out a threat that you would never see the kids if you leave. (It is an empty threat she cannot enforce even if she wanted to. The law is on the side that the kids deserve having both parents in their lives.) But, the fact that she tried to make this unenforceable threat speaks volumes - she absolutely suspects you are screwing around, but will not dig because she doesn't want it confirmed. Do not be so arrogant to think you are such a good actor, this is not mission impossible and you are not tom cruise.
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 so misty are you saying i that i should tell my W but i should know which path i want to take before doing so? Do you want me to help you figure out what your real heart's desire is here? It's plain for everyone else to see, as evidenced by their posts, but maybe I can show you.... Answer one simple question: Are you willing to give up the OW, forever and NEVER EVER contact her again? Are you willing to let this woman you describe as the love of your life go completely, with no weaseling to keep her around? And that also means no asking around about her, no nothing. If your answer is anything other than an unqualified yes, you know what you need to do. (Your posts suggests you are not willing to do this.) Do the right thing, don't waffle, and don't look back. You already know what path to take. So work on finding the courage to do it and stick with it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 one more thing - leaving your M does not mean leaving your kids. That's ridiculous! (and the same nonsense my xMM used to say!). If you are such a great dad, what would stop you from continuing to be involved in their lives and activities, liberal visitation, etc? Your kids and your W are separate entities. You do not have to be married to their mother to be a good father. One would argue you might be a better father with a clearer head outside the M. Ok, maybe 2 more- Consider hard the fact that she already tossed out a threat that you would never see the kids if you leave. (It is an empty threat she cannot enforce even if she wanted to. The law is on the side that the kids deserve having both parents in their lives.) But, the fact that she tried to make this unenforceable threat speaks volumes - she absolutely suspects you are screwing around, but will not dig because she doesn't want it confirmed. Do not be so arrogant to think you are such a good actor, this is not mission impossible and you are not tom cruise. i agree with you on the good dad part, i would still be in my kids lives and still never miss a thing, i would always take care of them and even my W to some extent. i still disagree, she hasnt a clue or a thought that i am actually cheating, she says these things to basically let me know what it would be like but again this all comes up in the context of talking about my sister and my bil, that pparticular comment came up because my sister was not letting her H see the kids unlless he put money in the acct,so she said if you ever did that to me you would never see the kids... i know everyone thinks she is on to me etc etc but you dont know her and she really isisnt, has a thought ever crossed her mind, yes, does she deep down think i might be capable, probably but right now she dosent suspect a thing, if she did she would continue asking and asking as thats her personality, she is not the sit back type, she isisnt digging because she dosent beleive there is anything to dig for now.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Do you want me to help you figure out what your real heart's desire is here? It's plain for everyone else to see, as evidenced by their posts, but maybe I can show you.... Answer one simple question: Are you willing to give up the OW, forever and NEVER EVER contact her again? Are you willing to let this woman you describe as the love of your life go completely, with no weaseling to keep her around? And that also means no asking around about her, no nothing. If your answer is anything other than an unqualified yes, you know what you need to do. (Your posts suggests you are not willing to do this.) Do the right thing, don't waffle, and don't look back. You already know what path to take. So work on finding the courage to do it and stick with it. i havent been able to do this so far, even when she suggested it and even tried to break it off fo a bit i was the one in pursuit and we ended back together, but i believe she is getting ready to try and go our seperate ways again, she is in the i want to work on my marriage mode and i have to do everything as a wife ebfore i could ever think of leaving.so no i cant say yes to what you asked or i would be lying.
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You're right, I don't know her, but I would argue you don't either because you've not been honest with her to get to know how she'll react. You are too busy faking your life. 99% of the time I was right on in predicting xMM's wife's behavior and he was wrong in an equal percentage. Just food for thought. You may not know your wife as well as you think.
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i havent been able to do this so far, even when she suggested it and even tried to break it off fo a bit i was the one in pursuit and we ended back together, but i believe she is getting ready to try and go our seperate ways again, she is in the i want to work on my marriage mode and i have to do everything as a wife ebfore i could ever think of leaving.so no i cant say yes to what you asked or i would be lying. Well then, you have your answer. And even if MW goes NC with you, it means nothing, because it was not your choice. It sounds like your choice is to keep her in your life. So you have your answer. It really is that simple.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 You're right, I don't know her, but I would argue you don't either because you've not been honest with her to get to know how she'll react. You are too busy faking your life. 99% of the time I was right on in predicting xMM's wife's behavior and he was wrong in an equal percentage. Just food for thought. You may not know your wife as well as you think. i agree thats possible and your right i have no clue how she will react, my guess would be denial and that i need to fix it along with complete devastation and crying. but your right i dont know exactly how she will react because i just keep on faking my life
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Well then, you have your answer. And even if MW goes NC with you, it means nothing, because it was not your choice. It sounds like your choice is to keep her in your life. So you have your answer. It really is that simple. your right, my choice is to keep her in my life, and to her end she said she wanted to break and even said goodbye but yet if i sent an email she responded immediately and i suggested meeting and she said ok, so she really is no different, she might go nc but i beleive she is doing this only because she dosent think i would ever leave my w( i never said i would,never made any promises) and is just trying to make the best of her own situation
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 your right, my choice is to keep her in my life, and to her end she said she wanted to break and even said goodbye but yet if i sent an email she responded immediately and i suggested meeting and she said ok, so she really is no different, she might go nc but i beleive she is doing this only because she dosent think i would ever leave my w( i never said i would,never made any promises) and is just trying to make the best of her own situation Probably 100% correct. So, now the "confusion" is over you know what you need to do. What are you going to do to try to make your life match your heart?
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 your right, my choice is to keep her in my life, and to her end she said she wanted to break and even said goodbye but yet if i sent an email she responded immediately and i suggested meeting and she said ok, so she really is no different, she might go nc but i beleive she is doing this only because she dosent think i would ever leave my w( i never said i would,never made any promises) and is just trying to make the best of her own situation NS7, Why don't you just let OW be when she leaves, it may just surprise you that she'll stay away for good. Sounds to me like you don't respect her very much or you'd leave her alone when she goes NC. So here you have 2 women, you don't respect very much.
Athena Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 NS7 you say you can't go see a therapist because your W will need an explanation... so then tell her you wish to see a counselor to 'work on your family-of-origin issues'... she already knows how you feel about your father and your family and will understand. If she pushes you for details after a session, just say that everyone deserves 'privacy' while in counseling... I was just thinking, since you say your wife doesn't know YOU, and OW "gets you" and that most of your communication was via emails with the OW, that you should (if you have kept your emails) go through them and 'edit' them so that no trace of OW is in them, copy and paste them into a new Word document, and print them out for your W to read and get to know you...
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 yes at least there would be some sort of communication i know i cant live in limbo much longer, i can no longer just tuck it all away like i have in the past,even if you read my posts you can see its getting progressively worse. It is and this is why it's best to go seek counselling now to help you gain the strength to open up to your wife. I know this isn't easy and it won't be nice at all when you do talk to her, but as you said, this is getting worse as time goes along. Do you have PM's enabled yet?
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 You also need to stop all contact with the OW. The affair isn't over if you are intouch with her still. You're getting a 'fix' aka a high everytime you email eachother. Don't see her whatever you do!!
Athena Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Do you have PM's enabled yet? He doesn't yet. You can see this by clicking on his name and the options come up, his is missing the 'send private message to NS7'... he's gonna have to post more to get to that point...
Athena Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 You also need to stop all contact with the OW. The affair isn't over if you are intouch with her still. You're getting a 'fix' aka a high everytime you email eachother. Don't see her whatever you do!! I agree with this. If you do keep in contact with OW this will keep you from clearing the Affair Fog, and making necessary changes in your life.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 He needs to enable them though. Seems his post count is high enough.
Athena Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 NS7, not to put you on the spot, but I am curious... several suggestions have been made, have you followed ANYTHING at all? As for my suggestions-- did you take the time to Google "Commitment Phobia" , Passivity, Conflict Avoider? Also look up Cognitive Dissonance That is such a small step... and one that you could do now... Tomorrow, phone up three counselors and 'feel' them out over the phone... see if they are experienced with Infidelity... see if they can later do Marital Counseling, should you decide to work on your M. If you just do the above two steps over the next 24 hours, you will have accomplished a lot more than you have in the last month here...
Athena Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 He needs to enable them though. Seems his post count is high enough. I didn't know that! I didn't 'enable' mine... but it came on automatically when I hit about 100 posts (?), but that was way back a few years ago... I think the minimum requirement of posts is higher now?!
taylor Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I read thru more than 50 percent of this thread and then jumped to the end where I realized you are the epitome of a fence sitter. I hope all MW with cheating husbands and all OW with cheating MM read your thread. They will all gain quite a bit of insight into the working mind of a cheater who refuses to do justice by any of the relationships in his life. Your wife is in a farce of a marriage with a lying, serial-cheating husband. Your latest OW is left dangling on a string. And you don't know whether you are coming or going. All because you lack the courage to do right by anyone in your life, including yourself.
MistyK Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I didn't know that! I didn't 'enable' mine... but it came on automatically when I hit about 100 posts (?), but that was way back a few years ago... I think the minimum requirement of posts is higher now?! It's not just # of posts. It also has to do with time. Mine just got enabled today.
confusedinkansas Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 i havent been able to do this so far, even when she suggested it and even tried to break it off fo a bit i was the one in pursuit and we ended back together, but i believe she is getting ready to try and go our seperate ways again, she is in the i want to work on my marriage mode and i have to do everything as a wife ebfore i could ever think of leaving.so no i cant say yes to what you asked or i would be lying. Ok - so she keeps saying "I want to work on my marriage"...Do you think that IF you could keep your fingers off of a keyboard (no emailing) & off of the telephone buttons (no phone calling).....That she would pursue you? And I believe at one point in this LooonnnnnGGGG thread - you said that you wanted to try to work on yours too. What happened to that?
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