Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I think I read into this that you would do the same if discovered, "keep the peace". Could she bear to have a father who doesn't love their mother in the home? honestly when she caught me gambling i told her everything in regards to the gambling but i also did what she wanted me to do to keep the peace but my behavior repeats and at this point i am so tired and exhausted, interestingly enough when she confronted me on the gambling and i was supposed to be groveling and asking for forgiveness i said to her "i need more", i never expanded on it and backed away from it and to this day i regret it, my full blown A happened after this time.. maybe if i said it then i wouldnt be here today. but no if confronted i would tell her.i too tired to hide it anymore.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Your wife deserves to know the truth regardless of your decision to stay or go. I have no doubt that at least initially she would think and hope you could fix it and she would want you to. That might change as time passes and as the shock wears off. Would you really want your wife to tolerate you in the home just because you are the kids father? I use to think it was paramount for my child to have dad in the home. But after dday I went through stages where I wanted to work it out in part because I did and still do love him but also because he is the father of my child, then I got pissed off about all the lies and blameshifting, SO I LEFT. I decided that the best thing for my child would be to see mommy refuse to put up with BS. I also reasoned that I would do everything I could to be fair and make sure H stayed a part of her life. A child can not and should not ever be a hostage negotiation tool to keep someone in a toxic marriage. She would get over not having you there. So would the kids as long as you did what you needed to, to stay a part of their lives. I know you think you have got everything under control and that you have got your wife pegged but you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. i think she would initally use the kids and turn them against me but i would have to remember the kids do get older. oh i would keep my commitment, i am a good dad, i would and could never leave there lives, in fact if i could move down the street and take care of her and the kids and still live my own life i would..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 HEY, I was originally going to say that - but thought it too presumptions of me i would like to give her this website though..lol
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 honestly when she caught me gambling i told her everything in regards to the gambling but no if confronted would tell her.i too tired to hide it anymore. Funny how you are comparing getting caught GAMBLING.....to having an affair. Is it my imagination, or do those two things have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER...Being in love with another woman is hardly the same as spending money at a craps table. & NO You won't tell her - you had a chance & you blew it. She asked, you denied. Period! (even in jest!!)
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i would like to give her this website though..lol Then do so. Go home, use your computer, log into LS, come to this thread...and leave it up for her to find. It's passive, but it gets the truth out there. There is NOTHING stopping you from doing this.
PhoenixRise Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i would like to give her this website though..lol I wish you would. Your wife would find a lot of support here.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Funny how you are comparing getting caught GAMBLING.....to having an affair. Is it my imagination, or do those two things have NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER...Being in love with another woman is hardly the same as spending money at a craps table. & NO You won't tell her - you had a chance & you blew it. She asked, you denied. Period! (even in jest!!) they are both addictions, they are both things that are covered up and the end result is devastating and trust is involved in both, with gambling i stole money and betrayed her trust.not really much difference, you may take it differently but in reality it can have the same affects.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Then do so. Go home, use your computer, log into LS, come to this thread...and leave it up for her to find. It's passive, but it gets the truth out there. There is NOTHING stopping you from doing this. owl- there is nothing stopping me from doing anything excpet myself. i can walk in tonight and say something but i have to choose to do this and get off the fence.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I wish you would. Your wife would find a lot of support here. right now she wouldnt know what the support she would need would be but if that changes i would definetely tell her about this site.
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 owl- there is nothing stopping me from doing anything excpet myself. i can walk in tonight and say something but i have to choose to do this and get off the fence. And after all these pages of advice...this is still the true bottom line of your problem.
HsMomma Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 And after all these pages of advice...this is still the true bottom line of your problem. Yup, exactly...see my response on the "poll" thread...fits this precisely!
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 owl- there is nothing stopping me from doing anything excpet myself. i can walk in tonight and say something but i have to choose to do this and get off the fence. But instead, you are absolutely, 100% without a single doubt in my mind going to CHOOSE to go home, and continue to lie in her face and tell her that everything is ok. Why don't you just accept this as what you want? As what you are? As the decision you have already made? Accept it. Embrace it. Stop tearing yourself up over it...its what you want, and who you want to be. Admit it, and go live the rest of the time that you can following this choice that you've made. You see...going home tonite and NOT telling her is a choice too.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 And after all these pages of advice...this is still the true bottom line of your problem. i agree and the fear of the unknown
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i agree and the fear of the unknown You honestly & truly DO NOT KNOW how she will react. You cannot predict the future. It may be worse than you say or maybe way better than you think.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 You honestly & truly DO NOT KNOW how she will react. You cannot predict the future. It may be worse than you say or maybe way better than you think. you are right, hence the fear of the unknown, she could yell,cry and scream and throw me out but more likely she will cry and hyper ventilate ans ask me why she wasnt enough and how can i do this to her and the kids etc etc.i cant imagine it being better althogh i think its would be byond awful so anything would be better. i cannot predict the future,if i could i would be rich..lol
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 My mini story in a nutshell: For the 2 years I sat on the fence - I too was afraid of the unknown. (my situatin is different in some ways than yours...but it still involves fence-sitting) I was positive my husband would take a gun to either my head or his (because he did threaten) If I left. He also threatened, prior to my leaving, that he would not give me a minutes peace. He would stalk me & make sure my life was miserable. (Keep in mind - at this time his brain was pickled from way too much vodka) I left - because I couldn't get peace with him. NONE of those things happened. He is still alive & he left me be for about 6 or so months, so we both could figure things out. He realizes now that it was the best thing that could have happened to us......NOW...We did get back together & things are going very well - but that's what we BOTH wanted. To work things out & figure it out. So see....You really don't know how things will come out - Yes, that all comes as part of being afraid of the unknown - But, how is that sitting on the fence workin' out for ya so far:o:confused:
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I just wanted to reiterate this as my last thought of the day for you: You see...going home tonite and NOT telling her is a choice too.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 My mini story in a nutshell: For the 2 years I sat on the fence - I too was afraid of the unknown. (my situatin is different in some ways than yours...but it still involves fence-sitting) I was positive my husband would take a gun to either my head or his (because he did threaten) If I left. He also threatened, prior to my leaving, that he would not give me a minutes peace. He would stalk me & make sure my life was miserable. (Keep in mind - at this time his brain was pickled from way too much vodka) I left - because I couldn't get peace with him. NONE of those things happened. He is still alive & he left me be for about 6 or so months, so we both could figure things out. He realizes now that it was the best thing that could have happened to us......NOW...We did get back together & things are going very well - but that's what we BOTH wanted. To work things out & figure it out. So see....You really don't know how things will come out - Yes, that all comes as part of being afraid of the unknown - But, how is that sitting on the fence workin' out for ya so far:o:confused: yes it different but i see your point, my cases would only cause devastation and sadness and doubt etc etc but there is no violence or fears of that nature on either side. sometimes time apart can be the answer, all again part of the unknown. sitting on the fence is not working out well at all, i think that is fairly apparent. so confused, you have confused me, do you think i should tell her everything or not?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I just wanted to reiterate this as my last thought of the day for you: You see...going home tonite and NOT telling her is a choice too. owl- i definetely get it...i am making choices just not the right ones
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 owl- i definetely get it...i am making choices just not the right ones So why not just stop making the wrong ones and start making the right ones? Don't give me fear...fear is ALWAYS something that can be dealt with and overcome. I'm a combat vet. Talk to me about fear sometime in THAT context. It's not fear...as you said...it's your CHOICE. THAT is the bottom line. Stop using fear as an excuse to keep making bad choices.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 So why not just stop making the wrong ones and start making the right ones? Don't give me fear...fear is ALWAYS something that can be dealt with and overcome. I'm a combat vet. Talk to me about fear sometime in THAT context. It's not fear...as you said...it's your CHOICE. THAT is the bottom line. Stop using fear as an excuse to keep making bad choices. so in your mind i should walk in the door and drop everything on her?
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 so confused, you have confused me, do you think i should tell her everything or not? If I could tell you that - That would make me your Fairy Godmother... I can't tell you what to do. But you did say here that if you were asked, you'd tell. That opportunity (for now) has come & gone. Based on what you've said here - you have 2 choices. Let's Review, shall we: Either just come clean & tell her (but if you do that, Obviously, you have to know 100% without a shadow of a doubt where you want to be - IN or OUT of the marriage - obviously there inlies the trouble spot:confused: DUH!) OR.........Man-Up....Quit yer bitchin', pull up your big boy underoos & get on with life. (& not tell, but learn your lesson & quit f'n up)
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 If I could tell you that - That would make me your Fairy Godmother... I can't tell you what to do. But you did say here that if you were asked, you'd tell. That opportunity (for now) has come & gone. Based on what you've said here - you have 2 choices. Let's Review, shall we: Either just come clean & tell her (but if you do that, Obviously, you have to know 100% without a shadow of a doubt where you want to be - IN or OUT of the marriage - obviously there inlies the trouble spot:confused: DUH!) OR.........Man-Up....Quit yer bitchin', pull up your big boy underoos & get on with life. (& not tell, but learn your lesson & quit f'n up) i think you hit it right on the nose...those really are the 2 options. but for option 1 i have to be very clear what route i am taking because once i drop the bomb all hell will break loose and i have to be strong enough to want to stay or go and stick to it.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i think you hit it right on the nose...those really are the 2 options. but for option 1 i have to be very clear what route i am taking because once i drop the bomb all hell will break loose and i have to be strong enough to want to stay or go and stick to it. Ahhh....the ole' "Waffling" Yeah, been there/done that too. What is it that you think you are missing out on by being married? Do you believe the grass is greener? Is this what it's all about....OR Truthfully... IS it about leaving FOR the other woman? Only you can answer these questions & look yourself in the mirror!
HsMomma Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i think you hit it right on the nose...those really are the 2 options. but for option 1 i have to be very clear what route i am taking because once i drop the bomb all hell will break loose and i have to be strong enough to want to stay or go and stick to it. Holy CATS, NS7 - how long does it take, really, to decide to do the right thing? You KNOW already whether you want to stay in the marriage, you just won't man up enough to do right by your wife/kids. JUST DO IT (my apologies to Nike) for Heaven's sake!!!!!
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