screwedup®retful Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hello all, I'm curious as to how my recent encounter with my ex might be intererpreted and if anyone might have any recommendation on a course of action IF one should be taken. It's been 10 weeks of zero contact for she and I, me being the original "dumper" who tried to get her back two weeks after our last break-up. She was adamant that she did not want to see or speak to me and my initial attempts to apologize, reconcile, etc. were met with absolute resistance. So, my last attempt at contacting her was early April and was by phone and I simply asked if she was ready to talk to me yet. She said "No" and that she will "never" want to talk to me. Yikes. We live in a small town and I have modified my schedule, normal activities, etc. so as to try and not run into her. I can only assume she has done the same as we have really NOT run into one another much at all save passing one another in our cars, etc. a handful of times. Now that the weather is nice, lots more going on outdoors out and around town and so I decided to stop down to an outdoor market this past weekend. Lo and behold as I was walking I caught a glimpse of her, standing within a booth at the Market. She was "working" the booth as a volunteer. She had done this last year, but told me she didn't like doing it and that she would never do it again, so I was surprised to see her at this market. In any event, as she looked up and saw me, and I saw her, she turned and walked briskly in the direction AWAY from me. She left her post at the Market and left the Market completely. I saw a few of our old "mutual" friends there and didn't ask about her or speak in reference to her at all. We exchanged pleasantries like "Hi how are ya?" and that sort of thing, but no discussion on the Ex at all. Thing is, it has been six months since our split and only one attempted contact (by me) in the past 4.5 months. I know that I hurt her badly when I broke things off and I desperately want to make amends and show her that I know it was a mistake and will make it up to her. I believe that her inability to see me or speak to me says alot, including that she still has deep feelings for me. We had an amazing relationship and an exceptional connection with one another. I haven't been able to look at, let alone, date, another person since we split and my decision to break up with her had nothing to do with a lack of feelings or passion for her. She was, at the time we split, deeply and incredibly in love with me, too. Now, however, not a word and not even the ability to look at me without running for the hills. What can this all mean? I have contemplated breaking no contact and asking her to talk with me. I believe strongly that the feelings for me remain, but that the hurt and fear of future hurt remains, as well. What can a guy do to convince her that what we had is worth another chance?
CaliGuy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 In any event, as she looked up and saw me, and I saw her, she turned and walked briskly in the direction AWAY from me. She left her post at the Market and left the Market completely. What can this all mean? To be honest, it doesn’t sound like she's real open to talking to you right now. She's still angry (hence the fact that she bolted from the place in a hurry). There are obviously still hurt feelings. If you want to break NC and write her a letter you can do that, but I honestly do not think it's going to make things any better right now. There's still a lot of hurt in her.
Author screwedup®retful Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks, Caliguy. Do you or anyone else reading have any thoughts on how long it might take her to be ready for that letter or the talk? It has been 10 weeks since I last tried to call her after 8 weeks of NC and a total of almost 6 months since our split. Where there is hurt feelings is there still a chance for love or if someone is hurt enough to remain hurt for 6 months is it essentially a done deal? BTW....the hurt was not from anything like cheating or anything like that. It was simply my breaking things off as a result of some challenges I had faced, but my major problem was not talking to her about it. She would have been receptive to a break if I had just talked to her about it, but I didn't.
clv0116 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Just drop it. You're coming off as pathetic and needy. Go out and restart your life.
paperchase Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I don't want to dash your hopes but I broke the heart of someone I loved dearly 14 years ago. I speak to hear about once or twice a year but have never seen her again. I've tried to arrange a meeting when she's in town but she's not interested. She will return my calls sometimes but she has never initiated a single phone call and about 4 years ago my attempt to revisit what I did wrong and apologize was met abruptly. She never married and I know she's not over me, but she's clearly never going to let me get close to her again. In life we can't always undo the hurt we've done. Even as the dumper, we don't always get a second chance. Good luck.
CaliGuy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks, Caliguy. Do you or anyone else reading have any thoughts on how long it might take her to be ready for that letter or the talk? It has been 10 weeks since I last tried to call her after 8 weeks of NC and a total of almost 6 months since our split. Well, you tried contacting her after 2 months of NC and 6 months since the split and she isn't responding. That's telling me, at least as it stands now, has no interest in reconciling. Where there is hurt feelings is there still a chance for love or if someone is hurt enough to remain hurt for 6 months is it essentially a done deal? Everyone is different. Some people believe in second chances and others do not. In her case, it doesn't look like she wants to talk to you. It's been a long time, so if you really want to give it one more go, write her a letter and, without pouring all kinds of mushy stuff into it, let her know how you feel. BTW....the hurt was not from anything like cheating or anything like that. It was simply my breaking things off as a result of some challenges I had faced, but my major problem was not talking to her about it. She would have been receptive to a break if I had just talked to her about it, but I didn't. Ok well if you decide to write her (and be prepared for her to say NO and leave her alone, FYI) then you simply need to tell her the following (paraphrasing here). 1. I'm sorry. 2. I made a mistake. 3. Here's why I did what I did. 4. I know where I went wrong. 5. I regret my decision. (aka: I want you back) Then leave her alone and don't contact her again. Let her sit on that message and decide what SHE wants. No flowers, no cards, no candy or other crap like that. If she wants to come back, your letter is an open invitation. If she doesn't, you won't hear from her again. I'd give it about a month or two. If she doesn't respond, you have your answer. Cheers.
Author screwedup®retful Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Just drop it. You're coming off as pathetic and needy. Go out and restart your life. CLV0116: Curious, do you think this is helpful? Take your keyboard and throw it out a window. That would be the most supportive thing you could do for people on this forum. Paperchase: Thank you. I know that it's a very reallistic possibility that I could find myself in the same place. CaliGuy: I appreciate your encouragement and advice, too, knowing full well what the reality and end result could be, your words of wisdom are appreciated. Everyone on here who reads this: You know, I know sometimes it sucks being where we all are. I think many of us, myself included, are looking for some signs of hope that we probably, if we were smart, wouldn't necessarily be looking for. BUT, if you choose to be here and choose to respond remember somethings: (1) Misery DOESN'T love company. Any one of us would rather be on another site that talks about how great life is....or better yet, not on a computer at all simply enjoying life. We're here because we hurt and if you're going to post something that is going to make that worse for someone, do everyone here a favor and leave. Or write your unhelpful comment in notepad and email it to yourself instead of posting it here. (2) There is a way to be honest without being a D**K. You can be honest in your advice without pouring salt in wounds. Try it. You might become the person you're trying to find and that would make the world a better place.
BCCA Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Everyone gives advice as best they can. Not everyone words things the best way, and it may come off as hurtful or offensive. I can promise you though, Ive never known anyone here to just like to be mean. It comes off that way at times, but there is a fine line between tough love and being mean, and everyones definitions are different. Just dont take it personally, my man. As for advice, I agree with CaliGuy, she doesnt doesnt seem open to talking right now. Honestly, Im the same way - I saw a girl I dated in high school, and bolted in the opposite direction. Once someone breaks up with me or vice versa, we dont have anything to talk about, period. I would write the letter, wait 3-4 weeks, read it again. If youre good with it, send it over and see what happens. The reason I say to wait is because you might change your mind or meet someone else in that time, and its best to be sure.
Narf Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Awww Screwed up im sorry this has happened... I dont mean any of this in a negative way but i am one that isnt the best with words... I can relate to this a little my ex dumped me when i thought things were going well.. I knew he was stressed and i knew he was distancing but i thought he just needed space (as he didnt want to discuss anything with me) When it was all over the mere thought or sight or txt/call from him hurt... No matter what it said it riped thru me and "the end" would replay to me.. The hurt, the betrayal that he would end it rather then talk to me... Your ex might be a bit in the same boat, she is obviously hurting badly and the anger hasnt stopped. I agree with Caliguy and i would write the letter... Dont try to down play anything that happened and dont say " Im not sure" or "i forget" Tell her the truth of what happened as you see it... Open up to her as best you can (you seem alot better with words then i) However, be totally prepared for silence on her end... I wish you all the best! and i really hope she sees past the hurt and takes in what you have to say...
Cherished Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree with Caliguy except with the not sending flowers part. You have some ground to make up and you need to do a grand gesture, complete with at least two dozen roses or her favorite flower. I would even show up at her door with the flowers. You do need to show your deep emotion about this.
Ingenue Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Where there is hurt feelings is there still a chance for love or if someone is hurt enough to remain hurt for 6 months is it essentially a done deal? Whether it's a done deal depends on the person. Some people take a long time to get over the hurt and anger, while others overcome the hurt but remain angry. Others may move on but simply lack the desire to rekindle communication or friendship. What's clear from your description, is that your ex simply isn't ready/able/willing to speak to you as of yet. I would probably give her time and respect her boundaries. You also need to give yourself time to completely think through what you want to do. Some have advised on sending a grand gesture and I'm not sure this is the right approach. If my ex appeared at my door without warning with a bouquet of flowers, I would most likely shut the door considering the deplorable way he treated me during the break up. Perhaps opening the channel of communication might be a better approach for you, and should that be received well, then you can do a grand gesture.
Cherished Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I do think you should send her a large bouquet of her favorite flowers but not necessarily show up unannounced. Put something like "I miss you so much and I want to talk. Love, " Others have suggested that you should explain why you did it but this would turn me off because it looks like you are just giving an excuse and you don't really regret what you did. They are suggesting the "take it or leave it" approach but I wouldn't be impressed with the guy with this route. Your approach has to be heartfelt and she needs to know just how much you love her and how deeply sorry you are for making the biggest mistake of your life.
Author screwedup®retful Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 OK, all, here's an update on this situation. After having seen my ex in the public place just a couple of days ago, I received a call from a mutual friend that I have remained in touch with, though, she was much closer to the ex than she had been to me, they had been out of touch for the past few months. Well, this mutual friend received a call from the ex. The ex was crying and upset, stated that she still loved me and missed me (now almost 6 months post breakup) but that she still could not see me again...ever. I gotta ask the ladies out here what this all means? I haven't had any contact with her for more than 10 weeks and running into her in public was not planned contact by any stretch. She's still "in love" with me and still misses me after all of these weeks/months, but she still is firm with never wanting to see me again. What do I do? Do I begin trying again, knowing that she is still "connected" to me emotionally? Does anyone think there is any chance that she could have a change in heart about ever seeing me again, giving US another chance? I am a sensitive person so if you're going the "tough love" advice route, try and not be an a-hole when writing your advice. Thanks.
CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 She didn't say she was still in love with you. She said she still "loved" you. Love and IN Love are two different things. And the fact that she says she can not be with you ever ought to be enough for you to say "Ok, I accept that and will move on with my life..." It's been 6 months. It doesn't appear she is coming back and from what her friend said, I wouldn't hold my breath. Sorry, that's how I read her statements.
CaliGuy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Something I wanted to add. Some people when dumped, no matter how much they loved their ex, will take them back. Those are the kind of people that I admire to some degree. It takes a lot of self-respect to say "Ok, they took me for granted and dumped me, there's no way I will ever keep someone around like that in my life..." Your ex appears to be that kind of person. The very best thing you can do for her and for yourself is to respect her wishes and not contact her. She is leaving you alone to live your life, you should do the same.
Ingenue Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 OK, all, here's an update on this situation. After having seen my ex in the public place just a couple of days ago, I received a call from a mutual friend that I have remained in touch with, though, she was much closer to the ex than she had been to me, they had been out of touch for the past few months. Well, this mutual friend received a call from the ex. The ex was crying and upset, stated that she still loved me and missed me (now almost 6 months post breakup) but that she still could not see me again...ever. I gotta ask the ladies out here what this all means? I haven't had any contact with her for more than 10 weeks and running into her in public was not planned contact by any stretch. She's still "in love" with me and still misses me after all of these weeks/months, but she still is firm with never wanting to see me again. What does this mean from one female's perspective? Caliguy is right. You can love someone but not be in love with that person any more. My ex dumped me after spending 5 years together, by email. I was devastated, heartbroken and completely demoralized. In that instant, I lost all trust for him and while I defended some of his actions to some LS posters, through time and NC, I realized what a colossal douchebag he was for his actions. Even after 6 months, I still loved him and was nursing a wounded heart. While I wasn't always in tears, there would be moments. While I received a subsequent apology 6.5 months post-dump, there was no way in hell that I'd ever contemplate getting back together with that man again. I may truly forgive him for what he's done, but I will never forget what he's done and the memories of how poorly be behaved inform the impressions I have of him as a human being; they are none too flattering at this point. That can never change and I think most people are like that. As a woman and a person, I am extremely loyal. Once someone has breached my sense of trust, it can never be regained. And cosidering that I loved this man deeply, was willing to uproot my life for him, his disrespect towards me and his breach of trust was the biggest slap in my face. You really hurt your ex, wounded her emotionally and she is trying desperately to pick up the pieces of her life and move on. She has asked you, asked friends to inform you and done actions that have told you, that she wants to move on without you in it. She will most likely always have a fond spot for you in her heart. And she will probably love you for a long time. But that doesn't mean that she wants to move forward with her life with you in it. I know hearing this is hard and it's probably devastating for you. If you really care for your ex, respect her wishes and give her the space that she needs.
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