(struggling with NC) NO CONTACT IS MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY!

[Charmaine_Champagne]

my ex ended it with me (very cruelly) he ignored me and was very cold/distant/cruel until i took the hint and went NC.. he ignored me on valentines day. i tried asking him for answers but to no avail so i went NC. it was my only choice to keep my dignity and allow me to (try to) move on.

 

but i'm 4months NC now and i feel very guilty, i feel bad for doing it, even after how he treated me and how he ended it. i worry what he thinks, i worry life is too short. i feel i need to talk to him for closure and that doing NC is ruining my chance of ever talking to/seeing him again. i feel i'm pushing him away.

 

basically i'm a nice person, i'm sick of playing these games and deep down i still love him and miss him. but then if he even cared i would know about it by now, he'd b at my door.. i just don't think this NC is getting me anywhere, and i'm so tempted to break it. i worry i'll go out this weekend, when alcohol may be involved and i will call him.....

[TaraMaiden]

Do you understand why NC is so important?

[Meaplus3]

but i'm 4months NC now and i feel very guilty, i feel bad for doing it, even after how he treated me and how he ended it. i worry what he thinks, i worry life is too short. i feel i need to talk to him for closure and that doing NC is ruining my chance of ever talking to/seeing him again. i feel i'm pushing him away.

 

QUOTE]

 

4 months of NC is great. Such a positive step in the right direction. Drop the guilt and don't worry about what he thinks. The sooner you can do that the faster you will be able to move forward. Stick with Nc and keep up the good work.

 

Mea:)

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i know all about NC and how it is supposed to make me heal, to use it for myself not to get my ex back, etc etc. believe me i've researched it obsessively the past few months, i could write a book on NC, i'm just saying it's bloody hard. the longer it goes on i sometimes question is it even helping me. i was with my ex 6 years and never got closure with him when in ended really weirdly, i was left in limbo and because of that i have so many unanswered questions to torture myself with. i'm a nice person, and i still love him and unlike him i find it hard to be mean to someone i have feelings for, so even when i get a little meaningless text from him and his minimal effort i still feel guilty ignoring it, i feel bad for doing it. as if the blame has been switched from him onto me.

[Exit]

You have a 2 page long thread of advice just yesterday. I told you if you feel that strongly about it, break NC, while others told you to stick with it because he doesn't really miss you.

 

What more can we say?

 

You need to put aside the matter of human EGO for a second. I think a lot of No Contact has to do with protecting the precious ego. So what if you're the one to contact him, even if he says no, does that make you an awful person? It does not make you pathetic that after a few months you decide to contact him. Even if he's a total slimeball and laughs about it, if you can put your ego aside, it really shouldn't matter.

 

You were saying in your other thread that you feel like life is too short. Guess what, IT IS. How much longer do you want to regret this? I can tell you want to talk to him.

 

Other people act like breaking NC is breaking some huge universal law. Like I said yesterday, NC is about distancing yourself so you can move on, and obviously you haven't done that anyway. It's like saying you're gunna stop eating cookies but instead you eat an entire cake every night. Either way you aren't really making any progress.

 

We'd all like to feed our sense of pride and our ego, but sometimes you need to let that go. Don't look at is as "crawling back". You have feelings and you are following your heart.

 

If you can master your thoughts and your ego, if you can manage to get shot down and not feel bruised and battered over it, just do it. In your case, all NC has done is create a morbid sense of curiosity and guilt about the entire thing, instead of helping you move on.

 

You can choose between getting shot down again or continuing to wonder ever day like this. Option 3 is just to finally move on, REALLY MOVE ON, but if you haven't been able to do that so far I doubt you can start today. You will always wonder.

 

If you can get your ego to shut up (I'm not making fun of you I'm saying every human has a childish ego) you have nothing to lose.

 

I know the NC supporters will disagree with me. That's fine. I'm just telling you from my point of view. I was going NC for a while but, I too wasn't moving on, so I decided to ask my ex to talk. As a matter of fact I just got back from buying flowers. I am going to see her today and am (somewhat) prepared to be shot down. I would rather come home in tears and know that I tried my very best instead of playing ego/mind games about "who calls first". Living with losing her is hard enough, I refuse to live with any regret that I could have tried harder. I am putting it all on the line today and if it doesn't work I will come home and be sad and finally realize it's time to let go.

 

I still say break it if you want. But please do it sober instead of giving in while you're out drinking. If you're worried about that happening, leave your phone at home, or have a friend hold it, or block outgoing calls before you start drinking.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

well good luck with your meeting exit, let us know how that goes. life is too short but at the same time i could get hit by a bus tomorrow and he wouldn't know. like all those times he was so possessive about me going out and being safe in town on my own.. yet for the past 16 weekends he hasn't been worried where the hell i was or who i was with, whether i was safe or lying dead somewhere. so the life's too short thing works both ways.

 

i really appreciate all the comments i've had yesterday and today i just need to take more time reading the feedback and i'm gonna see how i feel at the end of the week. but don't think i haven't taken in what every1 has said because i have and i appreciate it. just i'm stil 50/50 and many people tell me different things, i guess 90percent say stick with the NC thing and it's a matter of principle but you are right i do want to contact him in my heart but am not prepared for rejection.

 

ahhhh it confusing. just the point of this thread was that i feel guilty as i am a nice person. i couldn't have done to him what he did to me. people assume i'm strong or hard for sticking to 115 days NC but i'm really not.. anyhow, i will make my decision at the weekend about whether to break it or not, sometimes i think he wouldn't give me an answer anyway though.. and i would feel physically ill to think i could call him and he would be sitting with another woman or his friends laughing. but yeh the guilty feelings suck, i guess i'm doing that to myself tho

[Thomas X Forever]

Judging by your spontaneous need to continuously make new topics (and furthermore, unique ones, as indicated by the *'s) I'm going to say you were scatter brained during this relationship, and were called crazy a few times.

[Exit]

Just browsing around the internet and I came across this....

 

"Can any damage they could do to you by rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?"

 

Reflect on that for a while.

 

Don't make any hasty decisions and don't do anything while you're drunk.

 

Only you know what you want. You can keep posting threads here but nobody can ever decide for you.

 

I wish you the best no matter what.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thomas that is very harsh.. i can assure you i am not scatterbrained. i'm a very rational and intelligent person.. i am guilty of over-analyzing this tho i will admit that and at the moment i am lost, hurt, heartbroken and desperate for an answer so that is why i keep posting.. just trying to gain perspective and read as many people's views as possible.. there are so many sides to my story as it was a relationship that spanned 6 years and its hard to sum that up in just afew lines so yes i'm guilty of posting many threads. but i certainly wasn't scatterbrained throughout the relationship, i was always very rational and honest and didn't deserve to be treated how i was by an ex who clearly didn't appreciate honesty.. i was left in limbo and i'm hurt and since i've done NC and he refused to give me answers, i've come here to save me talking to myself and driving my family and myself crazy.. was i crazy during the relationship.. NO. but since it ended i've been making myself feel that way

[Thomas X Forever]

I told you exactly what you needed to hear. I have faith it will ultimately help.

[boogieboy]

Well Charmaine, he probably wouldnt still give you answers even if you did contact him. Ask yourself this, if you did call him up, and he treated you cold, and you didnt get the answers you wanted, how would you feel then?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

ultimately my answers/closure won't come from on this forum tho, as helpful as it is but my answers/closure will either come from myself when i decide to grow a backbone and move on or if/when i talk to him and say what i've been dying to say for 4 months.. even if it still means it's 100% over atleast it means closure for me. i want to have my say. i'm gonna keep NC for now and see what happens for afew weeks. but i need to stop torturing myself and pimping this site. believe it or not i do actually have a social life, just nothing is the same anymore since we spilt up.

[Exit]

Well Charmaine, he probably wouldnt still give you answers even if you did contact him. Ask yourself this, if you did call him up, and he treated you cold, and you didnt get the answers you wanted, how would you feel then?

 

I've been asking her this as well. If she wants to break NC nobody is stopping her but she needs to be prepared for the best and the worst and any other outcome. Do not do this unless you feel confident and safe regardless of what happens. If you feel fragile and if this guy still has power to crush your heart then you would be taking too big of a risk. But if you can talk to him again, and if these 4 months have at least helped you distance your heart from him a little bit, maybe you can deal with hearing that he isn't interested.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

yeh boogieboy that is what stops me every time when i think of calling him. the thing is when i knew something was wrong just before it ended between us back in Feb, i asked him to be honest with me and tell me straight.. i knew he didn't want to be with me, or i knew he had done something so i called him on it and he couldn't be honest, he didn't have the balls to tell me. he then ignored me and i went NC.. 4months later i still don't know what was going on, i can surmise but i dont have an answer, altho the thing is if he couldn't tell me 4months ago i highly doubt he would admit it to me now.. though it might be good to have my say even if he didn't give me anything back

 

sometimes i think id love to just tell him how much he has hurt me, but i know that would make me look weak so atleast by NC i know i still have some dignity

[Charmaine_Champagne]

these 4 months have allowed me to distance myself a little bit. you know if we met after all this time it would prob be really awkward like meeting a stranger, yet it would still hurt like hell if he was cold to me or refused to be honest and tell me.. or even if he did tell me straight ''yeh i was seeing someone else back in Feb'' it would hurt way too much.. so i guess NC has to be the right thing for me until i reach indifference.. the thing is i don't know if i will reach that stage without an answer.. and by the time i reached that stage i wouldn't care enough to contact him anyway

 

i'm well aware he is not doing this to me, i'm doing it to myself and i know i should switch off but it's hard. i often wonder is he going through even a small amount of the pain that i feel

[Charmaine_Champagne]

would it be a completely idiotic thing to msg him and say something like ''you have really f**kin hurt me, can't believe u did this to me'' ??

 

don't ask me why i would want to send that, but it's how i feel right now. i think i already know the answer to my question actually

[boogieboy]

Have you put yourself in his shoes? have you ever been the dumper?

So you realize how annoyed he will be if you speak your peace? (meaning he probably isnt interested in what you have to say because he moved on)

You realize your words will fall on deaf ears?

 

You should try writing him a letter, and posting it in the letters section here instead of sending it to him. Then you can get it off your chest. Otherwie, if you are waiting for him to contact you, after 4 months, your waiting on nothing.

I seriously suggest you stop torturing yourself and just call him. Right now, its not about him, its about you getting better. Call him and air out what you have to and get it over with. Get past it. You dont have a chance of getting him back, so NC, or calling him will probably yeild the same result, then you can move on.

[Leveller]

I agree that life is just too short to spend and wonder what might have been if greater effort had been made.

 

I do not agree that simply waiting around for an ex to contact you, if you want them back, is the only way to go. A long as you can cope with the potential rejection then my advice would be to initiate contact.

 

There is another reason for this as well. With a significant amount of time elapsed, and in the absence of information either way to determine if the OPs attitude has changed, why not reach out (again so long as this dosn't prolong the hurt)? It could be that the OP, with the time that has passed, finds it more and more difficult to reach out themselves-if that is their desire.

 

It could also be that we give up too soon on the things that matter. This does not mean stalking or interpreting a firm NO as a 'yes' or 'maybe'. In a nutshell I'm far from against your idea...but tread carefully please.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks everyone, i feel he has reached out to me- albeit minimally but still. and 4 months NC is enough to get my point across. fact is either way i need closure whether he wants to try again or not. so i'm going to wait to see what the end of the week brings and then contact.

 

the only thing is i know this guy pretty well and i know if i really wanted me he would be at my door. deep down that is what stops me from contacting him. we have been broken up before so i know his behaviour, if he wanted me he would make it known. believe me. but without answers i can't really properly move on so i think i may have to initiate contact for my own sake

[Exit]

Do not send a text message that emotional/harsh. If you want to talk to him you have to act cool. Sending something like that as the first contact in 4 months will make him think you are crazy.

 

The conversation would need to be light and casual. You do not let him know that you've been upset all this time. As far as he needs to know, you have been busy and happy, and only recently thought about getting back in touch.

 

You say you know him and if he wanted you back he would try harder, because that's what he did the first time. Maybe you don't know him. There is no guarantee that he would do that more than once. Maybe he decides to go that far out on a limb for someone only ONCE, and when it didn't work out again he decided all he would try was text messages. I understand the point you are trying to make, but it isn't necessarily true. Just because he did it before doesn't mean he will do it again. He broke up with you before, do you necessarily want that to happen? No. So don't base it on how he handled it before. This is a different situation.

[Nikki Sahagin]

First of all you know your ex. No-one else does. My ex actually contacted me to say HE wanted to discuss things. We talked about everything (still are) and it is an amazing help to try to help you understand and make sense of things. I mean no matter how hard they try, it will never truly 'make sense' because they wanted something you didn't (to end the relationship) but it does help. Not every ex is evil or will ignore you, and to be honest wouldn't you feel better to know the truth is out there, whether or not they reply, blank you, want you back or tell you they never want to see you again? Then you know you TRIED. It is truly ego that holds people back as was said earlier. Your ego is afraid to be the one to admit they felt, to admit they are in pain, to put themselves up for more hurt. Ignoring someone doesn't make them go away, it doesn't lessen the pain, unless you truly are getting over your ex on your own. But to say you need answers, to take a step back, that isn't weakness. Sometimes you need to take the risk to break contact, to ask them for answers. If they ignore you - you know you tried. If they don't tell you what you want to hear - you tried. If they answer your questions etc - you tried. Either way, what can you regret?

 

It's all a game otherwise. Always be true to YOU. The real you. Not your ego, not your fear, not your worries; the YOU that is niggling at you and stopping you moving on. If you can handle the answers, then DO IT I am glad my ex reached out to me just so we can talk it out. Yes it will hurt and I will cry and get angry. But its better that now than years later when I think...'i'll never really know...'

[Exit]

Very good reply Nikki. I agree. (Although in a seperate thread, Charmaine now says she's ready to forget about it and go back to ignoring him)

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i can see both sides of the argument, but for now i'm gonna remain NC as something kamile wrote really struck a chord with me. then if i still feel the same after this weekend- as i have a big event this weekend and i won't be wallowing at home- after this week is over i will reassess things and if i still feel crazy i may call him. but i don't expect any honest answers from him, he's immature and he's lied in the past. so it's NC for now.. time to work on myself, my own health and to lay off this site after today. but i really appreciate all the inputs from everyone, even tho they can be harsh at times, u strangers have really helped me so thanks. i'm young, this was my first and only love so if i come across as crazy or contradictory it's my immaturity.

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger i guess

[Charmaine_Champagne]

the thing is i know my ex- or thought i did- but he is quite immature and he isn't one for talking all deep and meaningful like i am. i know from the last time we broke up he was selective with the truth, so i don't know if i would get the answers i need from talking to him. just that last time we broke up i found out through a social networking site that he had slept with someone else, he denied it and denied it and denied it until i actually just blurted out the evidence and then he still denied it. he wanted me back then so he didn't want to risk losing me by telling me the whole truth. what i'm saying is i don't think he would be straight with me if i did ask him about it. but anyway..i know what i have to do