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After 7 years, I want to, but he doesn't...

optimisticpessimist

By optimisticpessimist
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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optimisticpessimist New Member

optimisticpessimist

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I have been with my bf for a little over 7 years. When we first started dating, I was sour to the idea of marriage as I was married at 19 and divorced by 21. He was sour because his gf prior to me (his fiance, actually) had called off the wedding after he finally mustered the nerve to propose. So we were both anti-marriage. But now, I'm 33 and he's 39 and I really want to get married. He knows that I do, but he still won't entertain the idea and basically tells me to shut up whenever I make comments. He's very picky about the people he lets into his life, and the fact that he wants to spend his life with me (although not as a married couple) makes me feel special and tells me that he really does love me. And I love him with all my heart...so I can't say that this is a dealbreaker...but it is becoming increasingly more painful as my desire to marry grows and he continues to be totally against the idea. Also, and not that I think it would happen, but I don't want him to enter into a marriage he feels forced into. Is anyone else in this situation? I feel completely alone because everyone I know is married or engaged, or single...so no one I know understands this. It's even harder because most of my friends are guys and they don't understand why he is this way either...so I can't just write it off that it's because he's a guy...

soserious1 Established Member

soserious1

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Why would you feel "special" being with somebody who basically tells you to "shut up" when you try to discuss something important to you?

 

What about kids? you're 33, are you comfortable having them out of wedlock?

2sure Established Member

2sure

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Why would you feel "special" being with somebody who basically tells you to "shut up" when you try to discuss something important to you?

 

Keep reading that

LakesideDream Established Member

LakesideDream

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I am not really suprized that at 39 years old your BF isn't thinking "marriage". In this day and age marriage is at best an "iffy" thing. The concept of being 55 when your kids are entering your teenage years, is pretty daunting. It would have been unthinkable for me. Just to old! (I'm 59 now). The concept of 16-17 year olds running around makes me cringe.

 

He may love you dearly. Marriage may not be in his gameplan.

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optimisticpessimist New Member

optimisticpessimist

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What about kids? you're 33, are you comfortable having them out of wedlock?

 

Oh, we don't want kids. I have a daughter from my marriage, she's 13 now.

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optimisticpessimist New Member

optimisticpessimist

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Why would you feel "special" being with somebody who basically tells you to "shut up" when you try to discuss something important to you?

 

Keep reading that

 

I used the qualifier "basically" for a reason. He doesn't literally tell me to shut up, but it is clear that he doesn't want to talk about it. Perhaps because he has made it clear how he feels and doesn't want to rehash it and/or make me upset.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
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May I ask (and I'm not disagreeing with you) why you feel it so important to get married?

if you're not going to have children... why will it make a difference to you?

 

Just to get some pointers down....:)

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optimisticpessimist New Member

optimisticpessimist

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May I ask (and I'm not disagreeing with you) why you feel it so important to get married?

if you're not going to have children... why will it make a difference to you?

 

Just to get some pointers down....:)

 

You're not the first person to ask that, and I just don't understand what one has to do with the other. I don't think you need to be married to have kids, and I don't think marriage=kids either. I want to get married because I want the ultimate commitment...I want the ceremony...I want OUR day.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Actually - in the eyes of God and the Law - it makes a huge difference. The term 'marriage' is applied uniquely to a union between a man and a woman thereby giving the sanctity of marriage and the sanctity to procreate. As homosexual marriages cannot entail procreation, they are not recognised in the eyes of God or Law, as legitimate marriages. Thus, their unions are termed simply as Civil. They're recognised as couples, but only as a legal connection, not in standard marriage Law, nor in the eyes of the Church.

marriage is therefore recognised as an avenue to procreation and having children.

( I learnt this yesterday from my partner who is studying International Human Rights and had to research The Right to Marry....!)

 

So... if you don't want children... are you looking for the big dress, the flowers, the reception, the guests, the gifts and the whole shebang - or do you just want a private little quiet ceremony between the two of you and witnesses, with the bit of paper at the end....?

 

And does he know which it is?

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optimisticpessimist New Member

optimisticpessimist

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Actually - in the eyes of God and the Law - it makes a huge difference. The term 'marriage' is applied uniquely to a union between a man and a woman thereby giving the sanctity of marriage and the sanctity to procreate. As homosexual marriages cannot entail procreation, they are not recognised in the eyes of God or Law, as legitimate marriages. Thus, their unions are termed simply as Civil. They're recognised as couples, but only as a legal connection, not in standard marriage Law, nor in the eyes of the Church.

marriage is therefore recognised as an avenue to procreation and having children.

( I learnt this yesterday from my partner who is studying International Human Rights and had to research The Right to Marry....!)

 

So... if you don't want children... are you looking for the big dress, the flowers, the reception, the guests, the gifts and the whole shebang - or do you just want a private little quiet ceremony between the two of you and witnesses, with the bit of paper at the end....?

 

And does he know which it is?

 

 

Ok, maybe I should have used the word 'civil union' because we are both atheist and this has nothing to do with religion. But I didn't think it was such a big deal to use the word marriage...to me it's just a word.

 

Even though he avoids the discussions, we have talked about it a little in general terms, and we are on the same level. We don't want any of the "customs" (throwing the bouquet, the first dance, the garter, etc), we would just basically have a quick ceremony, then a big party. This is more or less what most of our friends do, and would be what we'd want as well.

 

Anyway, as I stated in my original post, I am looking for someone who is in the same boat, to discuss how life is when you're in this situation.

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