WongHua Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hello everyone! I was hoping if you could help me with this problem, i really need to talk about it Here's what happened. I started going to a new gym on February, a few days before my birthday (the 14th) and there were these Chinese guys i met, i talked to some of them but there was this one that stared at me a lot. So one of the guys asks me for my number and they invite me to go with them to a club on the 14th, i said i couldnt because it was my birthday and i already had plans, and they keep insisting! So my birthday comes and goes, it's the middle of the night and i get a call from them! they keep insisting for me to go! so i finally agree, and they come pick me up, among them the guy that stares, he speaks Cantonese only and like very little spanish (we live in Mexico) and keeps asking one of the guys to ask me stuff about me, we get to the club and the guy stands next to me sneaking peeks at me very cutely So his friend comes over and tells me i should dance with him! So yeah long story short it was all the guys getting him together with me because he really liked me but was very shy to talk to me! So we started getting to know eachother and going out some days after the gym, that same week he gave me a perfume because it had been my birthday and he didnt know cuz he barely met me. So yeah, we start getting really close, going out to eat every day after the gym, and he would come visit me most days in the night after he closed his Restaurant, which by the way is in a different town like 30mins or more away from my hometown. he'd get me flowers often, give me clothes he thought id like, take me everywhere he and his friends went, he even bought me a new 400dllr cellphone D: and used an excuse to give it to me cuz he knew i wouldnt accept it! and he just took my cell, changed the chips and said, its yours ok? And he was so attent, he started telling me he loved me like a month after we started dating, and i was just so surprised! i thought it was so quickly, that maybe he didnt really feel it.. i just cant trust that easily. He'd express how much he liked me, loved me, he'd write sweet notes or letters to me in chinese, he'd just stare smiling and i'd be like "what? :\" and he'd just smile more and say "You're just so pretty" He was such a sweetheart! He loved cuddling and just sleeping with me in his arms, and he respected me so much. This one time we were driving around in the night, thinking up somewhere to go, and he just said "oh! theres this place i used to go to a lot when i lived here, it's a bit far but you can see all the city from there, it's beautiful" so he took me there, and i automatically thought "oh he's gonna try and get into my pants" or something, you know? So we get to this spot and parked there, and it was really beautiful! And he just started telling me about when he lived there, how he was so miserable when he'd just moved and he missed China and his family so much, and a lot of intimate details, and how he'd drive up there to that scenery cuz it could remind him of his hometown so much.. and then he just drove me home! He didnt try anything! i was just stunned!!! After a bit he'd start even going to pick me up to college on random days so we could go out (and my college is like 2 hrs away from my hometown!), he'd make more and more time to see me. And i was just really surprised! i'd never had a boyfriend like that, and i just couldnt bring myself to fully trust him! And since i had college and work i didnt have as much time, and he started being bummed because he'd make time for me and thought i didnt want to make time for him! So after like 3 months of dating (we'd see eachother EVERY day in the morning, night, and sometimes in the day) he started getting annoyed by the fact that i didnt have as much time, especially this one time i had midterms and i didnt even go to the gym because of studying, so i didnt see him that much, and he was just so bummed! I started to either be late at the gym or not go some days, and that bothered him as well because it was less time for us. So this time i didnt go all week and he'd text me insisting we go out on saturday, and i'm like yes im sure i can! So saturday comes up and im all ready, waiting for his call, and he just texts me saying he's at the club we go to on saturdays and asks where i am, so i answer i'm at my house, and frankly it annoyed me, and i said "well thats great enjoy yourself!" and he answered "oh no i'm heading back to my house now" so that was like WTF!!! Then he would text me the next week but i was still a bit mad at him so i wouldnt answer very well, but finally acceeded to meeting up at the gym on wednesday, and tuesday night he texts me at 2am telling me he's at my house and asking if i can come out!! i was asleep so i didnt answer and next day i get up early to meet him at the gym, and he never shows up! so i go back home and i get a text that he's at his friends house, and asks why i went to sleep so early yesterday and im like well because i was meeting you early today! and he just answers "hehe sorry" !!! So i definitely got mad and again, he kept texting me that week but i wouldnt answer good, and next saturday i just went to the club by myself and hung out with this other chinese friend in the mean time because i wanted to see if he'd show up there (because he'd normally go pick me up first then go to the club) and he did show up with his friends!!!! so my friend's like oh he's here let's go dance! and he dragged me to the dancefloor, and my bf saw and he got all mad at me, so i went to talk to him and he told me he was "just about to call me see if i could go to the club with him" :\ So anyways, we talked and i tried hugging him and he wouldnt hug me back! and he was very quiet. So i thought ok, he's still mad about my friend. Then he tells his friend something and they tell me to come to the back with them so i go, and he starts telling his friend stuff in cantonese and his friend tells me that he was in a situation that he didnt know what to do, and that he (friend) told him he should have told me sooner and we should just talk about it and see if we can work something out, and that's why he'd been so unattentive lately, that his mom dropped in from China and arranged a marriage for him because he's 25 and should be married by now!!! and he told her he didnt want to but she threatened to sever family tied with him if he didnt marry the girl she chose!!!!!!!! and also apparently he was prohibited from dating girls that werent chinese!! I was just stunned, i froze, i didnt know what to do or say. Then his friend tells me "You know he loved you so much right? HE LOVES YOU A LOT and he wants you to know that, and that it was not a game for him" so i just ask if he's going through with the marriage, and he says he doesnt know and his friend says "well supposedly" so i just break down, i start crying and his friend's all comforting me and telling me i should beat him up instead xD and he moves his friend and starts telling me frantically "but i dont want to! i dont want to!!!" so his friend asks me if i wanted to go home and they drove me home.. and my bf just kept grabbing my arm and calling my name, but i wouldnt answer, until i finally said "what? what do you want me to say??? congratulations?!" so the whole ride home my boyfriend was just staring at me with concern, and his friend trying to cheer me up... so we got there and i just got off and only said godbye to his friend, and looked at my bf, and he had this face!!! like a massive concentration of sadness and concern.. but i couldnt bring myself to say goodbye so i just went inside. Broke down, i couldnt stop crying! and i just thought of how i didnt want it to end like that! and thenwent through the whole situation in my head and came to the conclusion we really needed to talk, so i go to his city the next day but he wasnt home, i call his friend and turns out his mom was with him so i wouldnt be able to see him or he'd get in trouble if his mom found out about us.. so i just wrote a letter that i wanted to talk to him, and that i loved him (first time i actually admit it completely and straight foreward) and left it in his mailbox. Next day we were supposed to meet at the gym at 7:30am, and he didnt show up.. so i just walked back home and on the way he called and asked where i was and i was just like "well walking home since we were supposed to meet and you didnt show up.." so he was like no its not like that! im almost there, i'll meet you at your house!!" so we meet up, he explains how his mom nagged him not to go to the gym because it was so far away and it was a waste of time and he should be working instead and what not so he had barely been able to run away haha. Anyways, we talked.. he explained things concretely, and we agreed there wasreally nothing to do but to break up... at first i hugged him but he wouldnt respond! like he was trying to be disconnected.. and it hurt..but then i just told him ididnt care if he didnt hug me back but i was going to because it was probably the last time we saw eachother, and then he hugged me back, i couldnt help but cry again, and he hugged me more and then just pulled back, put his hands around my face drying my tears and just kissed me, we kissed some more for a while, it was so bittersweet, and it was so clear it would be the last time.. we hugged again and he kissed my forehead, we just couldnt part! he even cried as well.. but we both had to go.. so things ended in a somewhat good note..... Oh and what really confuse me is that he borrowed my phone a bit, and then saw i had his old number registered and changed it to his new number.. so i was like why would i need your new number if we're breaking up :\ I really thought that was the end, BUT NO! i kept going to the club with other friends i went with, and for some reason we had been texting that weekend and he told me he wasnt going, so that day i show up at the club and run into his friend! he says hi very surprised and suspicious, and i think he called my ex to tell him i was there!!! Especially becaus then a bit after he showed up!!! and he'd just sit there trying not to be obvious but staring over at me, so we finally talked and he asked "who are you here with? your new boyfriend?" and i was like lol no my friends, and he seemed very bummed and asked "you didnt work today? how come you have time now and not when we dated..." and i just couldnt answer, it hurt so much!!! so i was like ahh, well i just couldnt, i have to go, and went back with my friends... so the whole night we were both trying to pretend neither was there but to obviously staring at one another.. then he got drunk and was a bit of an ass.. and from there we've run into eachother at the club like 3 or 4 times, and all that time we've been trying to pretend we dont care but too obvious! and it became a contest of who can get who more jealous! Since i started going with a good friend and her boyfriend is a good friend of my ex we'd end up at his table last two times, and we'd just "ignore" eachother, one of his friends started hitting on me and i just danced with him and my ex got so jealous! so he tried to get me back by trying to dance with my 2 girl friends from there but they knew what happened with us so they just turned him down hahaha! then he triend getting me jealous with this girl, but too obviously, and i won the battle last saturday when they made a male stipper show at the club and my friend made me dance with the male stipper lol! and i saw his face he was so mad!! and that day i just triend being the better man and when i was leaving and saying goodbye i actually said goodbye to him, and he actually said bye back. SO, next day i go to his city with a friend to meet up withanother friend that lives there, and turns out our friend lives a few blocks away from my ex and his restaurant! so we were just walking to our meeting place and who drives by but my ex! and he noticed me so he U-turns and drives slowly to check if its me! and im like ohhhh crap! so we get to our meeting place and we're talking and all of a sudden i see him pass by looking for me! and he had to do like 3 more U-turns to get to where we were, and he pulls up in the street, right in front of us!!! and motions to me so i go up to the car and start speaking to him from the window (but it appeared he wanted me to get in the car! and he even moved the stuff he had in the front seat,but i just remained at the window.. he asked what i was doing there and i told him about meeting up with my friend, and he asked when i was going back to my hometown, and i said i didnt know, and he was talking so normally to me but he sounded so sad ): So finally he says that he has to get home.. and im just like ok, bye and walk back to sit down with my friend, and he still remained there a while, staring at me, and then left... By the end of the day i couldnt resist so i wrote a letter and left it in his mailbox, explaining why i didnt have time when we dated and why i now do, and that i really love him and miss him, and i'm sorry for not having been able to spend more time with him when we had the chance.. and asked if there was really nothing we could do about it.... So now i'm just very paranoid waiting for any sign of a reply! ANd now i'm just wondering if the letter was a good idea :\ And i dont know what this means, and it just sucks because i still love him and miss him so much!!! and i dont think he went through 4 U-turns just to talk to me because he's over me... but should i just try and forget it? or does it make sense for me to keep hoping! T_T Sorry for the long post!!
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I'm so sorry, this is way too long, and I couldn't finish it. From the sound of it, he's playing games with your head. He may not mean to, but if you've broken up, stop responding to his games, and just go no contact. Ignore him, live your life, and simply stop pulling and pushing. It's silly, gets you nowhere, and stops either of you moving on.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 This topic wins the award for confusion If what he said needed translated, then how come at other times you say you talked to him? How come you understand him sometimes but other times his friends need to translate
Cinnamon777 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 This is a very sad story... but one that should come to an end. It's hard when you fall in love with someone you are not meant to be with, but IMO you need to let this go. His commitment to his family is likely to rule his life, and even if he decided to go against them and choose you, he may end up resenting you later for that choice. This is not a good situation and the yo-yo emotions are not healthy for either of you. He may not really be over you, and he may really want to be with you, but it is not likely that either of you are going to get what you want from this situation. It's best to let him go. Spend time with your friends and cherish the time that you had with your bf. Sometimes life's timing sucks and cultural traditions can be difficult to overcome. You seem to be doing ok... so just tap into the positive energy of your friends and keep moving forward. Appreciate and be grateful for the time you had together and know that you will be ok.
Author WongHua Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I'm sorry!!! i wrote it in a hurry and was gonna trimm it but it didnt let me edit it anymore :\ This topic wins the award for confusion If what he said needed translated, then how come at other times you say you talked to him? How come you understand him sometimes but other times his friends need to translate Oh it's because i speak some chinese so we'd communicate alright normally, but whenever he got upset or emotional he'd just go off in chinese and i'd need his friend to translate hehe! Cinnamon 777, you're right! I know it's so unhealthy to continue like this, and i know i should just stop it but then we run into eachother and it starts all over again ! And i want it to stay like we ended, in good terms, i know if we continue like this we'll end up hating eachother or something but for some reason in the time and moment we just do it, like it's some way to stay connected, and yes it's so unhealthy and i really think i'm gonna stop, even if he continues ): Thanks so much for the great advice! and again sorry for the crappy long post! i'll keep trying to edit it D:
Cinnamon777 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Whenever you bump into him... take a deep breath... count to 10... then say "Hi" - he's a friend. It might be a little challenging, but keep things light in conversation. If you hug... keep it brief - don't linger. Tell him you are doing well... things are great... you are keeping busy... don't be too specific if you can help it. DO NOT tell him how much you miss him. Keep it to yourself. There is no reason for you to hate each other, but if you are going to bump into one another on occasion there is no reason you can't be social. If you end up at the same club, it's ok to acknowledge him but make sure you keep yourself busy dancing and laughing with your friends.
Author WongHua Posted May 18, 2012 Author Posted May 18, 2012 Hi, I just realized I never answered and I just wanted to say Thank you so much to everyone that gave me advice back then. It was super helpful, and it gave me the strength to get over it. Thanks so much
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