fooled once Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Hon, he is not into you. He isn't. He ignores you, disrespects you, ignores your birthday and Christmas. HE IS NOT INTO YOU. Let him go.
jj33 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Heather the more you explain the clearer your situation becomes. You may really benefit from IC (individual counselling). Your self esteem is low so you attach to people with very high status because it makes you feel like if they love me, then I must be a worthwhile person. That would explain a lot about why you need the affirmation that all these men adore you (your post about the attention you got from all your past lovers and your H). Nothing is going to solve itself until you solve that issue within you.
Author Heather1 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I've been to IC back & forth. My Dad pretty much has NPD...neither of my parents have empathy. I cater, but not how you think. Sadly, this is what makes me really good at my job. Yeah, I get the whole "he's not that into you" thing. He was for awhile, and I helped him through a rough time in their family business. Now it's picking up, and he doesn't really need me anymore. I just need a shoulder to cry on really. I'm a good support system to people. I think where I get in trouble is I don't get the support & I'm kind of out of steam.
fooled once Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Come here and pour your heart out. We ALL make mistakes and we ALL are human (for the most part ) Let him go, grieve, and then pick yourself back up and go about your life... Real love will find you!
Die Hard Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 . Well...at least my EA from years ago said he loved me today, and my boyfriend before I met my H sent me a cute note yesterday. I have something to pacify my loss knowing they still care about me....and that would include my H..jesus you're the very definition of a cake eater. I feel sorry for your husband. You don't want out of the affair you're just upset that it isn't going as far as you'd like. Frankly, what I quoted above is one of the most disturbing things I've seen written here and that's saying something. Do all these men a favor, and get out of their lives. I've searched deep and I can't find room for any sympathy for you. You've got serious issues that go well beyond this particular mm, or any mm and all the posts in the world won't change a cake eater's ways.
Die Hard Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 And please all OM who know they are involved with a cake eater take note of this thread: she just wants an emotional tampon and here you have it in black and white: this is how they think. Oh poor me, I need a shoulder to cry on. Poor baby. Pathetic.
Author Heather1 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Wow....OK? one bad day and few people that I care about say some nice words to me? Interesting. Alrighty then......I've been branded.
Die Hard Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I'm not branding you at all. I have no issues with you having an affair. However, I was involved with a married woman just like you. What you seek from these men is called an ego boost. What you also seek is someone to be your emotional tampon. You say your husband knows...why don't you try showing him this thread of yours? Yeah I doubt it too. I don't have an issues with folks falling in love etc.., but I do have issues with someone who jerks everyone around for the sake of needing a shoulder to cry on. You're too weak to leave your marriage and seek emotional support in proper ways but instead you prefer to eat your cake, to hell with your husband and his feelings. To hell with he OM and his feelings. To hell with everyone as long as your ego gets stroked by as many men as possible. And yeah you'll paint yourself as a martyr for everyone's feelings but your own, but the truth is, you are only out for yourself. Your poor bastard of a husband already has been hurt by you and knows about it and yet you come here posting this drivel wanting to use us now as your emotional tampon. Like I said, if its not all about you prove me wrong and show your husband this piece of crap for a thread. I'm all for support for those that need it but the only thing wrong with you is your ego boost tanks are empty and you need OM to tell you he still cares so you can go about your day happy, with cake crumbs on your lips.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You know you can't be 'friends' with the OM. Your feelings for him do and will continue to get in the way of what you feel for your husband and intimacy in your marriage. You know you're addicted to how he makes you feel, so the best way to cure your 'habit' aka fix, is to just stay away and go no contact. Sure it'll hurt and you'll have withdrawal but I bet once feelings fade, all those nicer and intimate feelings for your husband that you've buried will come alive again. You're wasting energy and love on another man while you're still married. It's pointless, don't you think?
NoIDidn't Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 jesus you're the very definition of a cake eater. I feel sorry for your husband. You don't want out of the affair you're just upset that it isn't going as far as you'd like. Frankly, what I quoted above is one of the most disturbing things I've seen written here and that's saying something. Do all these men a favor, and get out of their lives. I've searched deep and I can't find room for any sympathy for you. You've got serious issues that go well beyond this particular mm, or any mm and all the posts in the world won't change a cake eater's ways. I have to agree with this post. "At least an ex stroked my ego today" is basically what was quoted. And only because the guy you want attention from wasn't giving it to you. Be glad that men aren't as confrontational as women are, or the OMs here would eat you alive.
Author Heather1 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 couple things out of context.... "shoulder to cry" on just meant for yesterday by the forum because I was toughing it out. My conversation w/ my boss had more to do with consoling him & he said that comment & meant it as a friend, but it did make me feel good. When people say nice things, it makes you feel good & he didn't know I was having a bad day too. My point in even bringing my boss up is that it's possible to have an EA turn into a friendship. He is a HUGE part of my whole family's life & not a threat to our family at all. And I am in love w/ the OM. He doesn't reciprocate those feelings & I'm dealing w/ it the best I can. My H? we are in a rough patch & he wants to stay w/ me & work it out. We've made a lot of mistakes, before OM even came along & I wasn't looking at all. We've been pummeled w/ illnesses & deaths & I just went sideways. I do love & I'm sorry for your experience.
Mino Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Wow....OK? one bad day and few people that I care about say some nice words to me? Interesting. Alrighty then......I've been branded.something is wrong with you , this post is starting to look typical of a cakeeater... you agree, then insult yourself. Does this make you feel better? Are you insulting yourself so you can do it first? Why do you do this, Its like ok I did wrong, Now I am a cheater! or like above, " I am branded. MM do this... with I did wrong, sorry, i guess I am a monster. Its like you want to beat somebody to the punch line so you admit whatever. I am no therapist, but this has become a pattern of yours, Does anyone eles see this too???? Its like I robbed you... I am a theif, what are you gonna do about it... I dont get it, its just something is off inside you, mho.. and I am not saying this to be mean...
Mino Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 oh, let me finish, then Die hard apologizes saying he didnt measn it like that. So this obviously works like manipulation... because that was the intent of her comment. I am getting it now...
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 And I am in love w/ the OM. He doesn't reciprocate those feelings & I'm dealing w/ it the best I can. My H? we are in a rough patch & he wants to stay w/ me & work it out. We've made a lot of mistakes, before OM even came along & I wasn't looking at all. We've been pummeled w/ illnesses & deaths & I just went sideways. How can you be friends with someone you're inlove with? It's just going to keep the feelings alive and prevent you from loving your husband in a deep intimate way. I hope you realize this.. The thing is, you're still choosing to go sideways and stay on that path because of the OM. You need to cut him out of your life and NOT have any friendship with him. I'm sure if your husband knew that you were inlove with another man, he would not want you around that particular man. I mean, what if your H was inlove with another woman, I'm sure you'd hate it for him to be around her.
Author Heather1 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 That wasn't meant for you which way! I agree with you, it's just really hard. A lot harder than I ever imagined. I wish feelings worked the same way logic did huh? It would make everything black & white. I'm still stuck in the grey. Luckily, I think the NC is just naturally happening & I have a plan for Friday that I won't show up until he's gone. After that, he won't be coming back & I never see him anywhere else. At this point, I'd feel kind of stupid calling him and saying NC ever when I think he's just letting it die on it's on by not getting ahold of me for over a week.
Mino Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 WHOA!!! Hurtful....thanks. That was not meant to be hurtful. really, it is something I observed and it can maybe help you, You may not be aware of doing it, But it is a form of manipulation
Owl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 couple things out of context.... "shoulder to cry" on just meant for yesterday by the forum because I was toughing it out. My conversation w/ my boss had more to do with consoling him & he said that comment & meant it as a friend, but it did make me feel good. When people say nice things, it makes you feel good & he didn't know I was having a bad day too. My point in even bringing my boss up is that it's possible to have an EA turn into a friendship. He is a HUGE part of my whole family's life & not a threat to our family at all. And I am in love w/ the OM. He doesn't reciprocate those feelings & I'm dealing w/ it the best I can. My H? we are in a rough patch & he wants to stay w/ me & work it out. We've made a lot of mistakes, before OM even came along & I wasn't looking at all. We've been pummeled w/ illnesses & deaths & I just went sideways. I do love & I'm sorry for your experience. What, specifically, are you doing to work through fixing this rough patch in your marriage? Marriage counseling? Does your H know about this EA? Did/does he know about your previous EA? All of this is very relevent towards helping you get through your current crisis of the end of your EA as well.
MistyK Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 At this point, I'd feel kind of stupid calling him and saying NC ever when I think he's just letting it die on it's on by not getting ahold of me for over a week. I just talked about a situation like this with a friend. When I'm calling someone to say I don't want contact it's because I really do. It's as if the refusal of OM to respect the NC is a sign that he cares, and you seem to want to see signs that he cares for you. I think you're right that you're better off letting him take the hint. Feeling rejected sucks, and it's only natural that you want to see signs that someone you love cares for you back. The trouble is that right now, seeking out this kind of validation is detrimental to your ability to invest yourself in your marriage. I don't think you're a cake eater, but I do think you may be looking outside yourself for validation that really has to come from inside.
NoIDidn't Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 The trouble is that right now, seeking out this kind of validation is detrimental to your ability to invest yourself in your marriage. I don't think you're a cake eater, but I do think you may be looking outside yourself for validation that really has to come from inside. I think this is what posters are responding to. Its one thing to claim love for someone else and want their attention. That's normal. But to accept the attentions of others as a substitute is what made me agree with DieHard. It is definitely something the OP should consider looking into for herself, and maybe even for her marriage.
Author Heather1 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I'm talking to my H a lot about it. But the things that would really hurt him I don't say. I think it's enough to know & not hurt him with details. We spent all last week together & this weekend we're going to my Mom's house. We've been talking about our life together, our marriage, our kids, and what we're going to do when the kids leave. So we're spending a lot more time together than we ever have. He's losing weight & just got out of the obese range. He's had health problems because of his weight & I've never mentioned anything about it throughout our M, and he just kept gaining more. I finally broke down months ago and admitted I just wasn't attracted to him anymore & could he please lose weight so I would have help with the kids instead of going in & out of hospitals for him. So he's lost a lot of weight & he's starting to look like himself again. He can't go on runs with me, but we've been riding bikes downtown for coffee. He's making an effort to meet my friends for the first time & to go with me & the boys when we go see our family (live in the same town). In a way, this A was a HUGE wake up call for him (& me). He admits to leaving me alone for years & I know he's trying. The only reason I mentioned those comments was because I was trying to look at the bright side of that day. When you're sitting there heart broken it's nice that someone has something nice to say & that I've made it through this before & came out OK. Not only OK, but I'm still friends w/ people I was actually in love w/ at one time & I don't feel the same way about them now. It was a nice reminder that yes, over a long time, those feelings actually do fade. I've thought a lot about the cake eater comment & how manipulative I am. I've never been in a full blown A before & I don't know what I'm doing & the nature of the beast seems to be my emotions are all over the place & I'm more out of control than anything else. If some manipulation gets thrown in my irrational thinking lately, then that's probably one of the things that's thrown in somehow. I've had every single raw feeling & thought imaginable, I just don't know how I could keep my focus on being manipulative or a "cake eater." Trying to protect my heart?? oh ABSOLUTELY!
MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Heather, Of course there are elements of selfishness when any M person decides to have an A, but you don't sound like the unremorseful cake eating type. In fact, it sounds as though you'd be just as happy if you could forget OM ever existed but keep hoping for some sign that he cares so you don't feel so bad about it. Do you have a therpaist? It might be heplful to discuss those things that you aren't comfortable discussing with your H.
MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 And I am in love w/ the OM. He doesn't reciprocate those feelings & I'm dealing w/ it the best I can. My H? we are in a rough patch & he wants to stay w/ me & work it out. We've made a lot of mistakes, before OM even came along & I wasn't looking at all. We've been pummeled w/ illnesses & deaths & I just went sideways. Do you suppose you'd still be intrested in working out your marrige if you felt your feelings were reciprocated? Maybe I'm looking to hard here, but it seems as though the end of the affair was not your decision and thus staying married is the logical alternative. Are you really interested in preserving the marriage for it's own merits? Maybe something to consider.
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