don't know

[Heather1]

OM gets back today from a week long trip.

 

We've decided to be "friends." I couldn't handle the NC w/ him. If he doesn't get ahold of me when he gets back though, I'd actually be relieved. The month before he left we had limited contact, and no phone calls. I sent him one email, and a few days later he said, "I don't want to be a jerk here." I took that to mean I shouldn't have emailed him, so I didn't anymore. I'm pretty much on a speak when spoken to right now. He sent me another note before he left saying he still thinks about me all the time. I just wonder if that was a "I'm going out of town so don't try to contact me" note.

 

We did have one very confusing incident about a month ago. He sent me a note out of the blue & said to drop by his work. We talked for awhile & he asked me what I was thinking during kind of a flirty conversation. I just told him I thought he looked really good. I asked him what he was thinking & he got really cold & said, "I'm thinking we're going to be friends." I wanted a poof of smoke to come up so I could disappear. It's like Charlie Brown w/ the football. I'm never going to put myself in that situation again.

 

So I'm thinking the A part is gone. I just don't know anything anymore & it seems like there's no answers or right in any direction I turn from here on. I still don't want to do NC, because it just seems like that's always so dramatic w/ me crying, etc.. I just want the poof of smoke! Maybe he won't get ahold of me when he comes back & just had the time of his life w/ his W on their trip?

 

Even single, I've never been in this boat before. When I met him I was instantly attracted, but didn't pay attention to my instincts because I thought he was out of my league.

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like you are not ready to let him go. Sometimes it takes more pain to be the great motivator to jolt you out of a situation like this.

 

You deserve someone who will love you exclusively. You just have to know and believe it.

 

I would change all my numbers and go through the pain of letting him go. It will be lesser than the pain of trying to love a MM.

 

Please save yourself!!!! {{hugs}}

[dobler33]

i'm with sugar!!!!! walk away, if only because this will only hurt you. trust me on this!!!! as you saw from the post of mine you commented on, i'm STILL dealing with the aftermath! hold your heart in higher regard, my love. only heartache lies down this road. stay with us and keep posting!

[MistyK]

Heather - I'm going to tell you the same thing I told one of my best friends in the same boat - you've done your week of detox, the hard part is over. Taking the drug now, even in small doses is only going to start the addiction cycle again. In short order, it's not going to be enough to be friends, and it'll be painful to be around him and not be able to touch him.

 

I've tried the friendship/limited contact thing and it didn't work for me because my heart still felt like it had a reserved sign on it for him.

 

It sounded like you are married too - are you?

[Heather1]

I am M, 18 yrs and my H knows & we're trying to work things out. We actually had a really good week together. Our boys are teens, so we hung out & re-stocked our kitchen & spent the weekend shopping. All the things we didn't get to do when we first got married because I got pregnant on our honeymoon & we had NO money. We're starting to date again.

 

It's weird, I'm fine w/ the occasional emails from OM. You're right though, when I see him my body just kicks in & I have no control. He made sure we were alone too, and I didn't know we were going to be because I don't know the building.

 

My work situation is changing, so after this month I doubt I'll see him. His birthday is soon, and we talked about that. I've given him a few gifts for Christmas & a thank you for a favor he did for me (before the PA). He saw my birthday on FB, and for weeks asked me about what to get me. But he never got me anything & Christmas was right after....nothing for Christmas.

I couldn't believe he brought up his birthday.

 

I know what I need to do & I haven't been able to do it. I'm hoping he just doesn't contact me....he's been really backing off so he might just be done??

[jj33]

The fact that you cant handle NC means you are not really "friends" -- you are holding on to the idea of the romance and the bond between the two of you.

 

And ?? you thought he was out of your league ... it shouldnt matter whether he is out of your league. Have you looked at why you were open to his advances? It sounds like there are some major self esteem issues going on there if whether he is out of yoru league or not mattered.

 

And of course you shouldnt give him anything for his birthday. Nothing.

 

If you really want to make a go of it with your H you need to be really disciplined with yourself. You have to exercise some control and not rely on him not to contact you.

 

Its not a question of what he does - its a question of what you choose to do.

 

You are totally shirking responsibility in the way you describe the situation. You need to hold yourself accountable for your role in the A and what you want the outcome to be now.

[MistyK]

I am M, 18 yrs and my H knows & we're trying to work things out. We actually had a really good week together. Our boys are teens, so we hung out & re-stocked our kitchen & spent the weekend shopping. All the things we didn't get to do when we first got married because I got pregnant on our honeymoon & we had NO money. We're starting to date again.

 

It's weird, I'm fine w/ the occasional emails from OM. You're right though, when I see him my body just kicks in & I have no control. He made sure we were alone too, and I didn't know we were going to be because I don't know the building.

 

My work situation is changing, so after this month I doubt I'll see him. His birthday is soon, and we talked about that. I've given him a few gifts for Christmas & a thank you for a favor he did for me (before the PA). He saw my birthday on FB, and for weeks asked me about what to get me. But he never got me anything & Christmas was right after....nothing for Christmas.

I couldn't believe he brought up his birthday.

 

I know what I need to do & I haven't been able to do it. I'm hoping he just doesn't contact me....he's been really backing off so he might just be done??

 

It's really hard to let go and feel like you don't know what's going on in someone's life when you care about them. But if you truly want to work on your M, you have to let that part of your thoughts wither and die. I'm guessing your husband isn't aware of the occassional emails or the meeting a month ago. I'm also guessing her would not be ok with continuing contact. It just isn't worth the consequences if you get "caught" having any contact at all if you want your M to work.

 

It sounds like your draw to someone "out of your league" may be that his attentions made you feel special. (I've been there, I get it!) Maybe you can find a way to get that from your H?

 

Your work situation changing is a real blessing. It'll make it much easier for all this to fade to memory. Think of this as AA - you've gotten your 7 day coin, you don't really want to throw that away do you? Pat yourself on the back an try for 30 days, and so on. Otherwise, you'll end up having to do "detox" all over again when the relationship cycles around again.

[Owl]

Is your H comfortable with you maintaining contact with OM???

[Heather1]

No, my h doesn't know about that incident....

 

What's good about my work situation is it'll remove our main contact as well starting in July. My boss is a close family friend of his, which is why he comes into my work in the first place. I don't see him around town & the only time I've seen him besides my work is when he asks me to swing by his office. I won't do that again & he's not likely to come to my work anymore starting July.

 

I don't think this was a matter of self esteem as much as it was timing. I was in a great spot when we met & everything was fine for over a year. I just got walloped w/ family health issues & deaths, which actually left me really vulnerable. Before this, I had a rule to never be left alone w/ anyone (I was attracted to). But now....yeah, pretty much destroying my self esteem!

 

I just want it to go away & fizzle out. I can't handle another dramatic confrontation of NC. We keep doing that & it makes things that much more intense when we do talk.

 

Does it ever just fizzle out??

[MistyK]

No, my h doesn't know about that incident....

 

What's good about my work situation is it'll remove our main contact as well starting in July. My boss is a close family friend of his, which is why he comes into my work in the first place. I don't see him around town & the only time I've seen him besides my work is when he asks me to swing by his office. I won't do that again & he's not likely to come to my work anymore starting July.

 

I don't think this was a matter of self esteem as much as it was timing. I was in a great spot when we met & everything was fine for over a year. I just got walloped w/ family health issues & deaths, which actually left me really vulnerable. Before this, I had a rule to never be left alone w/ anyone (I was attracted to). But now....yeah, pretty much destroying my self esteem!

 

I just want it to go away & fizzle out. I can't handle another dramatic confrontation of NC. We keep doing that & it makes things that much more intense when we do talk.

 

Does it ever just fizzle out??

 

It did fizzle out for my friend. And she's very happy with her fiance now. She got divorced and left the MM in the dust. That week of NC with the MM was the best thing for her. She was able to get over the intial hump during that time and so the rest was easier. She didn't call him or otherwise convey to him that they were going NC -she just didn't call and his calls to her came less and less. She still sees him at work, but there's no weirdness anymore.

 

Sometimes I wish I could have a week of forced detox to help me get through my own trials....it is a blessing.

[Owl]

No, my h doesn't know about that incident....

 

What's good about my work situation is it'll remove our main contact as well starting in July. My boss is a close family friend of his, which is why he comes into my work in the first place. I don't see him around town & the only time I've seen him besides my work is when he asks me to swing by his office. I won't do that again & he's not likely to come to my work anymore starting July.

 

I don't think this was a matter of self esteem as much as it was timing. I was in a great spot when we met & everything was fine for over a year. I just got walloped w/ family health issues & deaths, which actually left me really vulnerable. Before this, I had a rule to never be left alone w/ anyone (I was attracted to). But now....yeah, pretty much destroying my self esteem!

 

I just want it to go away & fizzle out. I can't handle another dramatic confrontation of NC. We keep doing that & it makes things that much more intense when we do talk.

 

Does it ever just fizzle out??

 

I'd suggest that if you intend to recover your marriage, that your H needs to be aware of, and involved in your choices to continue contact with OM. He needs to be part of the recovery process.

 

What steps are you and your H doing to work on rebuilding your marriage after this?

[dobler33]

No, my h doesn't know about that incident....

 

What's good about my work situation is it'll remove our main contact as well starting in July. My boss is a close family friend of his, which is why he comes into my work in the first place. I don't see him around town & the only time I've seen him besides my work is when he asks me to swing by his office. I won't do that again & he's not likely to come to my work anymore starting July.

 

I don't think this was a matter of self esteem as much as it was timing. I was in a great spot when we met & everything was fine for over a year. I just got walloped w/ family health issues & deaths, which actually left me really vulnerable. Before this, I had a rule to never be left alone w/ anyone (I was attracted to). But now....yeah, pretty much destroying my self esteem!

 

I just want it to go away & fizzle out. I can't handle another dramatic confrontation of NC. We keep doing that & it makes things that much more intense when we do talk.

 

Does it ever just fizzle out??

 

the whole point of NC is NOT to talk, honey. it's not like you're doing it to improve the relationship. i remember when i quit smoking, there was this bizarre reasoning loop in my head that went: i have to not smoke, i have to not smoke, and one day when i succeed in not smoking i will be able to have a cigarette. huh? that's the addicted brain for you. it's almost impossible for it to understand that it can't have what it wants. this addiction is no different - you are addicted to the chemicals that your brain is mainlining into your hungry little bloodstream. it's going to take a while to detox, and everytime you break NC it just takes longer. trust me, just went through this. it is totally a matter of breaking an addiction.

[MistyK]

There is a book called "How to Break Your Addiction to A Person." There's a lot of good info in there....my problem has been more of a readiness to implement it.

[Heather1]

It's an addiction for sure. Whenever I feel like I want to contact him I think of the time he "accidently" called me & made me feel like crap. I couldn't say anything, and finally I was crying & said, "don't you have any feelings for me?" This was a conversation about love...probably the thing that killed the A. He was just mad that I brought it up one time, and never mentioned it again.

 

So no word...and he's back. I had a couple of good things happen though. I ran into my boss, who was a former EA that lasted several years and we became great friends. He's leaving & I'm staying on. He gave me a big hug & told me he loved me. So him backing off of the A that could have happened years ago (don't have those feelings now) is what a true friend does. Ugh.

 

Even though I haven't heard from OM in over a week, today's a little harder because I know he's home. I have a plan for Friday, to show up after I know he's gone, and then I'll miss him Friday. He won't come to my work again after this family leaves.

 

Thanks for your support. I think this is the way to go since he isn't getting ahold of me. Every time he goes out of town, I'm the first person he calls when he gets back telling me how much he missed me. Things have changed, and he's limited his contact w/ me. I think he just wants me to clue in & not get ahold of him either & quietly go away. I'd prefer this over the NC drama we've been going back & forth on. I'll take the hint & quietly go away, and will never see him again.

[MizzBlue72]

Yeah - I would suggest NC and stick to it. Change all numbers, etc. DOn't accept emails or IMs. And post/talk here when needed. It helped me - a lot

[Mino]

I am M, 18 yrs and my H knows & we're trying to work things out. We actually had a really good week together. Our boys are teens, so we hung out & re-stocked our kitchen & spent the weekend shopping. All the things we didn't get to do when we first got married because I got pregnant on our honeymoon & we had NO money. We're starting to date again.

 

It's weird, I'm fine w/ the occasional emails from OM. You're right though, when I see him my body just kicks in & I have no control. He made sure we were alone too, and I didn't know we were going to be because I don't know the building.

 

My work situation is changing, so after this month I doubt I'll see him. His birthday is soon, and we talked about that. I've given him a few gifts for Christmas & a thank you for a favor he did for me (before the PA). He saw my birthday on FB, and for weeks asked me about what to get me. But he never got me anything & Christmas was right after....nothing for Christmas.

I couldn't believe he brought up his birthday.

 

I know what I need to do & I haven't been able to do it. I'm hoping he just doesn't contact me....he's been really backing off so he might just be done??

Hi Heather, sounds like he is not only done, but if he forgot your B day and christmas, I think he was never really into it as much as you. He is a me me man. Funny, that he mentioned his Birthday and he is expected a gift, how old is he? Sounds like a teenager...Go, Nc, its hard, I know, but making yourself look like a desperate Ow is crazy. Wlk past him with your head held high, and ignore his azz. Sounds like your trying to make your marriage work, how do you plan to have success with that if your still wanting a r with mm? If your not happy in you m, get a D. But dont be a cake eater, your not better then your mm. You can be strong. You dont need to wish that he doesnt call you. Have some self respect. Good Luck

[Heather1]

I at least made it through the day today & I'm really busy the rest of the week and going out of town myself this weekend. Today I didn't have much to do, so I was worried I'd sit around and check my messages every two sec.. I didn't, and I have plans tonight.

 

I'm nothing to him.

 

My attractions seem to men seem to be either 1)really smart & successful or 2) professional athletes. The biggest players.

 

Well...at least my EA from years ago said he loved me today, and my boyfriend before I met my H sent me a cute note yesterday. I have something to pacify my loss knowing they still care about me....and that would include my H. For today I can't really focus on my M issues, I just want to make it through this week knowing I won't see him after Friday once this take-over occurs at work. It'll fade.

[Mino]

It's an addiction for sure. Whenever I feel like I want to contact him I think of the time he "accidently" called me & made me feel like crap. I couldn't say anything, and finally I was crying & said, "don't you have any feelings for me?" This was a conversation about love...probably the thing that killed the A. He was just mad that I brought it up one time, and never mentioned it again.

 

So no word...and he's back. I had a couple of good things happen though. I ran into my boss, who was a former EA that lasted several years and we became great friends. He's leaving & I'm staying on. He gave me a big hug & told me he loved me. So him backing off of the A that could have happened years ago (don't have those feelings now) is what a true friend does. Ugh.

 

Even though I haven't heard from OM in over a week, today's a little harder because I know he's home. I have a plan for Friday, to show up after I know he's gone, and then I'll miss him Friday. He won't come to my work again after this family leaves.

 

Thanks for your support. I think this is the way to go since he isn't getting ahold of me. Every time he goes out of town, I'm the first person he calls when he gets back telling me how much he missed me. Things have changed, and he's limited his contact w/ me. I think he just wants me to clue in & not get ahold of him either & quietly go away. I'd prefer this over the NC drama we've been going back & forth on. I'll take the hint & quietly go away, and will never see him again.

You had a EA with your Boss too? GEEZ, how many A have you had? Serial cheater.???? You may want to get yourself into IC and figure out why you have a Need to keep having A's.

[fooled once]

Umm.....

 

there is more going on than many of us realized.

 

You had an EA with your boss too?????

 

You really need to examine why you are turning to other men instead of your husband. Does your husband know of the EA with your boss? Was it a true EA in that your boss had feelings for you too? or was it just a crush you had?

 

As for the MM you were recently involved with - just let it go and let it die. Don't answer his calls or respond to any emails. Don't send him any emails either.

 

And for the love of God, don't give him anything for his birthday. He made his choice and it wasn't you <hug> Just let it die and work on fixing what is going on with you and your marriage.

[Heather1]

Mino, are you saying I'm the player?? No, just the one EA about 10 years ago. Kind of a crush that turned into a friendship that turned into a job a few years ago. Now we're good friends & I probably won't see him much after the turnover either. Yes, my H knows about both & feels confident.

 

He didn't forget my birthday. It was actually a really painful incident. He looked it up on FB (I didn't tell him) & for weeks he emailed & called me every day about a gift. He said he was going to write all his feelings for me down, etc. & made plans to see me that day. So I show up, he gives me a kiss & nothing else. A huge two week buildup to nothing. It was awful & I deserved it. I'm so surprised he brought up his birthday to me too & made a point of saying he hadn't gotten me anything for my birthday or Christmas.

 

I'm not coming across as desperate to him at all. He has no idea how much pain I'm in. I've been keeping it really light for months. Almost, "how's the weather?" Maybe he's trying everything he can to put me in pain so I'll go away? Probably.

[MistyK]

I'm not coming across as desperate to him at all. He has no idea how much pain I'm in. I've been keeping it really light for months. Almost, "how's the weather?" Maybe he's trying everything he can to put me in pain so I'll go away? Probably.

 

I doubt your pain registers with him at all. Right now it sounds like he's just getting off on the attention or the notion that you're pining for him. Either way, he sounds like a selfish jerk.

[Mino]

Mino, are you saying I'm the player?? No, just the one EA about 10 years ago. Kind of a crush that turned into a friendship that turned into a job a few years ago. Now we're good friends & I probably won't see him much after the turnover either. Yes, my H knows about both & feels confident.

 

He didn't forget my birthday. It was actually a really painful incident. He looked it up on FB (I didn't tell him) & for weeks he emailed & called me every day about a gift. He said he was going to write all his feelings for me down, etc. & made plans to see me that day. So I show up, he gives me a kiss & nothing else. A huge two week buildup to nothing. It was awful & I deserved it. I'm so surprised he brought up his birthday to me too & made a point of saying he hadn't gotten me anything for my birthday or Christmas.

 

I'm not coming across as desperate to him at all. He has no idea how much pain I'm in. I've been keeping it really light for months. Almost, "how's the weather?" Maybe he's trying everything he can to put me in pain so I'll go away? Probably.

No, I did not call you a player, but merely wanted to point out to you that with multipal A, there may be a problem deeper then your admitting to. Thats why I suggested IC. About christmas and Birthdaygift, he teased you but never followed through. My mm always surprised me with beautiful gifts and flowers, he always went way out, so when I hear about yours, I wonder how much into the R he really was. Thats all

[Heather1]

What's IC? The hardest part of this is I don't have anyone to talk to about it..no one knows. It's not something I can bounce off of girlfriends because his family is a huge name here. So yeah, gorgeous & wealthy & never buys me gifts. It occurs to me he met me in a pocket his w would never know about.

 

His best friend got ahold of me last friday when he knew he was gone. This guy who works for him saw me today & gave me a big hug. I don't know if that all means they know & feel bad for me? His money kind of gives him that power where his friends would never mention anything to his W. They'd lose their job, or their meal ticket.

[MistyK]

I think IC = individual counseling.

[MistyK]

His best friend got ahold of me last friday when he knew he was gone. This guy who works for him saw me today & gave me a big hug. I don't know if that all means they know & feel bad for me? His money kind of gives him that power where his friends would never mention anything to his W. They'd lose their job, or their meal ticket.

 

It's also possible he's having them "watch" you. Some MM's have an amazing capacity to demand fidelity even while they refuse to return it. (My MM followed me to work one day and saw me going to lunch - innocently- with a male co- worker. MM freaked because he knew this co-worker, who I have no non-professional interest in, has the hots for me. Kinda scary if this is what your MM was doing.