czombie Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Okay guys this is just for peeps who have been married please.... My wife is really confusing me....and I'm gonna take and use yalls advice this time at all costs.....Now my wife and i have been seperated 4 about 2 mos now and I'm really confused and she is too...we also have a two year old so the nc thing is just plain impossible, but I know it works...I proved that to myself today....I simply went 1 single day with nc and it absolutely drove her nuts. I finally answered her call and the **** just started right back up.... Let me back up a bit.....about two weeks ago my wife asked if she could move back in as a roomy when she already had her own apt...I told her I would have to think about it and eventually told her no the next day because I took someones advice on here and told her she could move back in as my wife and she said she needed time to think on that....I was confused about this so I called my sister who has a degree in psychology, My sis said that in her opinion that she simply missed me and wanted to come home. Now about 1 week ago she asked again if she could move in....this time I said sure....It lasted 4 days and I told her that it felt weird and she needed to move out...she complied but I know she was upset, but here's what's weird she said she wanted to start fresh with me and go on a date......She told me that she was still in love with me but is scared things will just go back to the way they were.... So now let me fast forward to the day before yesterday....for some reason I just realized that she was confused and I didn't want to waste my time for something that wasn't gonna happen so I simply went the nc route....man oh man did this drive her nuts....text after text, phone call after phone call for a solid day and night...I finally had to break down and text her that our daughter was coming home from grandma and grandpas and that she would have her in the morning....and that's when it all started again, she called and I answered she was trying her damndest to keep me talking to her...I told her there was no point in being friends and that we just needed to talk when it was about our daughter....she didn't take to kindly to this and started to cry then hung up..... I have realized that I do love my wife and made the mistake of asking for a divorce...I jumped the gun.... but anywho I called my sis again to once again get her female perspective and what she has learned from school....plus she knows my wife of course, and she told the exact same things I've read here...NC other than dropping off daughter and keeping the conversation striclty about our daughter...My sis feels pretty strongly that my wife does want to make it work because of wanting to move back in, but is simply worried she will get hurt again, nothing more and nothing less....and I did hurt my wife, I put the tv and other things before her needs, I didn't sleep with her for over a month, etc, etc....My sis says that was a very bad move on my part... I guess ya want what ya can't have and my wife knows I messed up and want to make it work....so I guess bascially I need her to chase me now since she knows where I stand...I guess I've done all I can do other than NC. Have I just basically answered my own post....
TrustInYourself Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 So your wife wants to work on things, but you would rather have her chase you while you get your rocks off by punishing her with NC/LC? Enjoy that. Seems petty.
Author czombie Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 So your wife wants to work on things, but you would rather have her chase you while you get your rocks off by punishing her with NC/LC? Enjoy that. Seems petty. no no no....not that at all....my wife knows that I love her and that I want to make our marriage work but she won't tell me its over because she said she is still in love with me, but at the same time she is still hesitant....I've been more of the chaser after our seperation but not on any annoying or needy level or anything like that..... I'm just asking what I need to do....she calls every morning at the same time, as soon as she wakes up, and thruout the day...she's wanted to move back in two different times....once I let her....she drives over to my house if I don't answer my phone for a few hours, etc etc... I mean she keeps asking me the same questions over and over..and I've keep telling her the same answer....she started to feel unloved because I lost my sex drive due to prolonged steroid use, took me three years to get back to normal....the last two years was the worst because my testosterone levels where so low....she doesn't understand this and thinks I just didn't find her attractive and want to sleep with her.....she started feeling unloved.....last month of marriage no sex...last couple of mos I slept on couch, she in bed. I mean what else can I do....I've said everything I can to make her understand what I was going thru.
Author czombie Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I mean for heavens sake....an old friend of hers came in from out of town and they hung out at her apt and got a little drunk....and then the texts and phone calls started rolling in about why I stoped loving her and why I didn't sleep with her....the same ole things...she even called crying because I told her earlier that I didn't think we should be friends and that if she didn't want to be my wife then she should just leave me be.....I mean was that the wrong thing to say...did that make me sound week, and/ or are these the types of things that will just keep pushing her away....she said she still needs me....what gives... If she said she still needs me....still calls me....says she is still in love with me How do I go about letting her know without letting her know that I truly do love her...?
seibert253 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 It's been awhile C. I can't exactly recall your first thread, but did your wife move out because of another man? If she did, is that still going on? Maybe it's time to have "the talk" Face to Face, just the two of you with no distractions. Sit her down and lay it all on the table; You know dear with everything that's happened, I've realized I've been a crappy husband at times. There's alot of things that I did that caused me not to live up to my end of the deal. And I'm sorry for that. But you've also contributed to where we are at today. Is there anything that you've think you did that in looking back, you would do different? (let her answer) I still love you more than anything, and I think our relationship can be stronger than ever, but it's going to take alot of time and the ultimate commitment from both of us. I'm willing to totally commit to fixing our marriage, are you willing to do the same? Then go from there. If she's not willing to commit right away, or still uncertain, let her know you will give her time, but you will not wait forever. Also let her know you will give her space to make up her mind, you will not be calling her or conversating with her, unless it has something to do with the kids. (don't remember if you have any). If you don't, then you really have no reason to talk, and let her know this. She needs to miss you, and envision life without you. This may bring her around.
Author czombie Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 It's been awhile C. I can't exactly recall your first thread, but did your wife move out because of another man? If she did, is that still going on? Maybe it's time to have "the talk" Face to Face, just the two of you with no distractions. Sit her down and lay it all on the table; You know dear with everything that's happened, I've realized I've been a crappy husband at times. There's alot of things that I did that caused me not to live up to my end of the deal. And I'm sorry for that. But you've also contributed to where we are at today. Is there anything that you've think you did that in looking back, you would do different? (let her answer) I still love you more than anything, and I think our relationship can be stronger than ever, but it's going to take alot of time and the ultimate commitment from both of us. I'm willing to totally commit to fixing our marriage, are you willing to do the same? Then go from there. If she's not willing to commit right away, or still uncertain, let her know you will give her time, but you will not wait forever. Also let her know you will give her space to make up her mind, you will not be calling her or conversating with her, unless it has something to do with the kids. (don't remember if you have any). If you don't, then you really have no reason to talk, and let her know this. She needs to miss you, and envision life without you. This may bring her around. No she moved out because I asked her to and that I wanted a divorce...I messed up.... at this very moment she is texting me wanting to come home but that she is scared....should I say what u said to say..? sounds good, strong, honest and too the point...
seibert253 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 No she moved out because I asked her to and that I wanted a divorce...I messed up.... at this very moment she is texting me wanting to come home but that she is scared....should I say what u said to say..? sounds good, strong, honest and too the point... Be honest and sincere. Look deeply into her eyes when you speak. If you get emotional and shed a tear that' OK. She needs to see the new you, the one willing to do whatever to right this wrong. What I said in my earlier post applies. Us it freely, but make sure it comes from the heart. If she wants to come home, and you want her to, then allow it to happen. But set terms and limits for each of you. Then live by them.
D-Lish Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 As a woman I can tell you that lack of sex can really take a toll on a woman's self esteem. I dated a guy that had a very low sex drive. It caused a whole host of problems between us. I remember feeling unloved, angry, frustrated... It drove me crazy- I really felt there was something wrong with me. I think her wanting to move in with you is indicative of her wanting to work things out. You said it only lasted a few days? It sounds like you didn't give it enough time! A problem like this isn't going to get solved in a few days- I thinkj you need to make a concerted effort to get things back on track. If she is saying that she wants to come home, open the door to her and get into some counselling. If she left because she felt unloved, asking her to leave after a few days is only making that belief more real to her.
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 well everything just took a weird turn.....she backed out I finally convinced her to come clean and tell me what she wanted....she said she still didn't know.....she told me she is scared to death things will just go back to the way they where.....she just kept talking over and over about why I didn't show her that I loved her and how I could go a month without having sex with her.....I admitted to her that I got comfortable....she said she just needs to be single so that she could work on herself but still wanted to be friends....I told her that I had no problem being her friend once all the dust settles....she's taking that as me being hurt I think....which isn't the case at all.....I'm not hurt just upset at myself for letting this happen and knowing that I won't get the chance to fix my mistakes.....she's dealt with abandonement in the past from her mom and dad both and then I go and do the same thing to her.....Maybe deep down I don't love her otherwise I would have put forth the effort....Heck I don't know.... Did I mention that she is bipolar....she won't stay on her meds, but knows she needs them. I feel sorry for bipolar people like my wife....they wake up different each day then change about half way thru the day. I honestly wouldn't be suprised if I receive a text first thing in morning like always telling me that she is still in luv with....No matter what though now that I have my answer I can leave it be and let her think about what she really wants without me influencing anything.... Oh and by the way...she still wants me to take her out saturday night for dinner and movie...lol....what gives...If she needed to think and be single why would she want to have dinner and a movie with me....I need to figure out how to tell her no if she asks again without her thinking I'm being a dick or that I'm hurting... LC is what its gonna take....can't do NC cuz of our daughter...Either way we both win in the end. We either get back together or we move on...
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 just like I said....a text first thing this morning telling me "HI"...lol but of course I'm not responding.....
seibert253 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Tough call C. I surmise her condition, and lack of medication is a big contributor to her, and your current circumstances. I guess you'll just have to be supportive and give it some time. Not all the time in the world though. LC is a great idea. Smart not to return her text from this morning. I wouldn't talk with her about anything but your child and finances. Nothing else. I wouldn't go out on Saturday. I would call and tell her you are getting mixed signals from her, and her confusion is hurting you deeply. Reiterrate your love for her and your willingness to work through this, but you need to do this together, as husband and wife. It's too painfull to "date" and be "friends". Let her know if she decides to work through this and come home, you will greet her with open arms and a loving heart, but until then your contact with her will be limited. She needs to feel what life is like without you, to miss you being around for her, and to see the loving husband she's pushing away. I don't know if you looked at it in this light, and I don't know your wife, but alot of times when spouses seperate, the one who "needs to find themself", usually wants some time away from the marriage to play the field and see what else is out there. With this, they want their spouse to stick around as a back up, in case the grass isn't greener elseware. I hope this is not the case with you, but it's something you need to be aware of. No one deserves this and you certainly do not. If you suspect this, you need to stand up for yourself and let your wife know you will not sit around as a fall back on.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 CZ-- I see it as you messing around with your wife... she is simply trying to get your attention, to alert you to the fact that she cannot live like that anymore (with no affection, sex, love from you)... other people on these boards try and try to tell their spouse to buck up, but then turn to an Affair -- this serves as a major Wake-up call to the neglecting spouse... in your case your wife tried her damnedest to tell you that she needed you to change, but you refused to hear her... so she did the decent wake-up call -- she moved out to let you know How Serious this all was to her... unlike others cheating! You really need to put the effort into this marriage, or do you subconsciously NOT want to be married to her and are taking the cowardly way out by forcing her to do the moving out? Shame on you.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 just like I said....a text first thing this morning telling me "HI"...lol but of course I'm not responding..... ... Cruel and unnecessary
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 CZ-- I see it as you messing around with your wife... she is simply trying to get your attention, to alert you to the fact that she cannot live like that anymore (with no affection, sex, love from you)... other people on these boards try and try to tell their spouse to buck up, but then turn to an Affair -- this serves as a major Wake-up call to the neglecting spouse... in your case your wife tried her damnedest to tell you that she needed you to change, but you refused to hear her... so she did the decent wake-up call -- she moved out to let you know How Serious this all was to her... unlike others cheating! You really need to put the effort into this marriage, or do you subconsciously NOT want to be married to her and are taking the cowardly way out by forcing her to do the moving out? Shame on you. Are u even reading all my posts...?....
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Are u even reading all my posts...?.... Did I get the wrong gist of the matter? When I get more time tonight, I will go back and re-read more thoroughly... just seemed to me that you were blocking off your wife for ages, denying her love, attention, and affection until she was forced to do something dramatic to get your serious attention, and now, instead of 'moving heaven and earth' to get your wife back and improve your marriage, you appear to be almost playing a game with this NC thing... she is desperate for your love and attention, so the last thing you should be doing is being erratic in your replies/NC... horrible for her, she doesn't know where she stands with you... all she knows is that she loves you, but is fearful of you not being there for her needs. Okay, so is that perception of mine all wrong? If yes, could you -- in a nutshell -- explain what's what?
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Tough call C. I surmise her condition, and lack of medication is a big contributor to her, and your current circumstances. I guess you'll just have to be supportive and give it some time. Not all the time in the world though. LC is a great idea. Smart not to return her text from this morning. I wouldn't talk with her about anything but your child and finances. Nothing else. I wouldn't go out on Saturday. I would call and tell her you are getting mixed signals from her, and her confusion is hurting you deeply. Reiterrate your love for her and your willingness to work through this, but you need to do this together, as husband and wife. It's too painfull to "date" and be "friends". Let her know if she decides to work through this and come home, you will greet her with open arms and a loving heart, but until then your contact with her will be limited. She needs to feel what life is like without you, to miss you being around for her, and to see the loving husband she's pushing away. I don't know if you looked at it in this light, and I don't know your wife, but alot of times when spouses seperate, the one who "needs to find themself", usually wants some time away from the marriage to play the field and see what else is out there. With this, they want their spouse to stick around as a back up, in case the grass isn't greener elseware. I hope this is not the case with you, but it's something you need to be aware of. No one deserves this and you certainly do not. If you suspect this, you need to stand up for yourself and let your wife know you will not sit around as a fall back on. Oh yeah I've looked at it from both lights....I told her that I wasn't an idiot and that I wasn't going to be her fall back plan....and she could very well be playing the field as well, who knows....only time will tell...but I do know that her bipolar issues have always caused plenty of "little" problems that escalated into bigger problems....I always had trouble dealing with her moodiness...and she knows this....She knows she needs medication to stay stable but won't make the effort to go get on them.... I'll post back later this evening when I get off work and home from the gym..It's my night to have our daughter so I will have to see my wife...darn it
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It's my night to have our daughter so I will have to see my wife...darn it Be nice to her. Unless you don't want her as your wife anymore... You both need to compromise... she needs to go on her meds to stabilize her moodiness for you, and you need to show her love and affection. Are you going to see a marriage counselor at all?
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Be nice to her. Unless you don't want her as your wife anymore... You both need to compromise... she needs to go on her meds to stabilize her moodiness for you, and you need to show her love and affection. Are you going to see a marriage counselor at all? I would see one with her....but until she can stabalize her moods then nothing the counselor had to say would sink in... Right now she just texted me...."Wow u didn't text me back today"
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I would see one with her....but until she can stabalize her moods then nothing the counselor had to say would sink in... Right now she just texted me...."Wow u didn't text me back today" Oh yeah...she usually texts me to let her no when I get home from work so that she can bring our daughter....she hasn't done this yet, she's trying to get a response out of me and it won't happen.... I'm tellin ya guys one minute she is the sweetest loving person in the world and in love with me....then the next she's really uncertain and unstable.... She just sent another text asking me if I was ready for our daughter...I simply texted back...."sure"
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 she just texted me back asking if I could come pick her up because she was out of gas....I don't believe her, she just trying to get a rise out of me or somethin and its not gonna happen...she could easily get money from her mom or friends....I'm not buyin it.... her mom lives just a few rooms down at her apts... and now shes calling....but i'm not answering...she just called again for the record guys I see my daughter alot and I'm not trying to use her as a ploy by no means...so don't think that she just texted again asking if I was coming to get her.
Author czombie Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 she's calling like crazy now and just sent another text saying I will never change.... but its funny how she had to pick her mom up from the airport just two days and borrowed the money from friends to go get her 2 hours both ways but can't seem to bring my daughter to me..bull s**t....That's her problem not mine, I can't always come to her rescue which she is very very used to.... Thats our arrangement too.....she drops our daughter off to me every evening or so then I take her to her mother the next morning on my way to work. she won't stop calling...should I just turn phone off
Author czombie Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 well just like I knew she would she got a ride from a friend and found a way to get her to me.....the texts and calls from her has seized atm.. and boy was she pissed....tried to come in but door was locked, knocked, I opended door, and then stormed off....
TrustInYourself Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Take the high road, she's just trying to manipulate your emotions. It's a control thing. Cut the cord and smile. You're free, it hurts, but you're free from all that crap.
seibert253 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 It's so much fun to watch their planned manipulation go up in smoke, and the frustration it causes. Part of the reality smackdown. Welcome to life without me, hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy life without you.
Author czombie Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 It's so much fun to watch their planned manipulation go up in smoke, and the frustration it causes. Part of the reality smackdown. Welcome to life without me, hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy life without you. yep it was great too..... she called all day long too and would never leave a voicemail....she finally texted me that I needed to talk to her because it was about our daughter...blah blah blah, but i know it wasn't...If it was important enough then she would have left a voicemail.... or told me thru text what it was.. Her last text was "I hate you"....lol
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