scienceguy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hey, I'm in dilemma of sorts, and I was hoping you guys could shed some light on things. In short, my ex-gf contacted me and wants to become friends again. I'm pretty hesitant of this for obvious reasons--the biggest being the way she treated me when we were together. The full story is in the thread I wrote up about two weeks ago. For the short story, here goes. She was my best friend in college for 3-4 years, and we started dating towards the end of college. We dated for about a year, but it was a pretty messed up relationship. We had a lot of problems: I was immature (I came from an abusive family and that stuff found its way into my relationship); there was a lot of distance, and she wasn't totally faithful to me in the last couple of months, and by "not totally faithful," I mean she emotionally cheated on me. Anyways, she basically trashed me the last several months we dated, and broke up with me in a horrible way. According to her, I was a "burden" and the relationship was "tying [her] down." She lied to me about why she broke up, and kept lying to me about it. A couple weeks later, I found out she was planning on moving in with the guy she had ditched me for when we were together. Anyways, all of this happened two years ago, and I was pretty devastated. I never got any explanation or closure from the break up. What I just wrote up in italics was all I knew about my break up. Five years I knew this girl, and that was all I got. Embarrassingly, it took me six or eight months to get the rest of my life back together. Even then, the effects of never getting any closure or explanation really lingered for a long time. I was freaked out of dating, and every potential girlfriend was (in my mind) a potential liar and cheater. I had a tough time opening up to others thanks to this experience, and it really destroyed my self-esteem. Anyways, my ex and I ended up talking a little while back, and she apologized for the way she broke up with me, and the way she handled some of the things in the last couple of months. It was pretty surreal. She was never the type of person to be open with her feelings, but she was pretty open and honest with me about her mistakes. Although she didn't say all the things I wanted to hear, but she said a couple of things that I couldn't have "scripted" it any better. She went on to explain how she replayed a lot of the events in the last couple months of our relationship in her head, and she wished she could go back and handled them differently. She said she missed being friends, and thought about us (in a non-romantic way) a lot. I was pretty surprised to hear all of this. When we broke up, she treated me like I was a piece of trash that had gotten in the way of her life. I was absolutely humiliated and those feelings stayed with me for a long, long time. Anyways, my question is pretty obvious. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'll post my thoughts in a couple of days, but some insight from others would be helpful. P.S. I definitely do not have any romantic feelings towards her.
BearPower Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 then tell her to go **** herself sorry if i sound bitter, im your shoes right now only 1 year, 11 months and 29 days behind you. If i ever get an apology, it would have to be everything i wanted to hear. not 2 years of scripted apology Sorry bro, maybe im not much help today. Im angry
BearPower Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Remember how you felt after it happened? That's how i'm feeling right now, so if you could even just tell her to go **** herself for all the people that have been and are gonig through this, that would be really great. thanks
fabulous_chk Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 i'd just say, "call the operator, call for somebody who cares" lol! i had an ex search for me, apologized to my sister who he found through friendster. he called me, she picked up for me. My sister asked, "What do you want me to say? He wants to know where you are." I said: "Tell him I died or something." Because I did not give a $h1T anymore. You should not care about this anymore.
ON MY OWN Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You and I should talk. Please read my post in break ups ~ ( I hope it helps to know I have been treated like garbage also ) [COLOR=#660000]Trading one engagement for another![/COLOR] You never deserved to be treated like a piece of trash like that. If you read my story, which I want to revise, its so hard to tell everything. I was treated poorly as well and once my ex saw he wasnt wanting to be together anymore became irrational, selfish, stubborn and arrogant. I have to finish moving my stuff from "our" house in 2 weeks and am dreading it because he is being so unreasonable. He did a 360 degree turn around on me, I never saw it coming. To be quite honest with you I never knew it could get so ugly. Long and drawn out. I am a good deal moving past "him", its the disrespect he serves me up when I talk to him and twists it around to make it look like its me. In my eyes these people view people as disposable. How in the hell have these people been raised? Dont they have any morals, respect or compassion? Try and do things for yourself as you are a wonderful person who deserves to be treated with the kindness, respect and compassion we all deserve. My breakup didnt have to be like this and I am still coming to terms that is is an ugly breakup. God knows whats in my heart and whats in his, so I have no worries there. When your down you can force yourself to smile and think about what a strong survivor you are and you can bet she is not feeling like that. Excercise can help. Also a counselor may be of some assistance to you if you feel you have any "stuck" issues. I have seen mine a handful of times and has defintely had a positive impact on my attitude and self esteem, as well as pointing out these are mainly his issues. I never set out to put up with this treatment, just it slowly got uglier, one minute he was nice as pie, the next wanting me to move out, the next wanting to try, the next not sure....round and round! I never had experienced anything like this before in my life and didnt recognize thats what it was. It steadily got worsened. Then the other girl entered into the picture and is engaged to him a month and a half after he was engaged to me. He was not a cheater, beater or anything like that either. He treated me like a princess almost the entire time we were together. Sadly, some people think people are disposable. What does everyone think? IS THIS BAD KARMA OR WHAT??? Please take good care of yourself and look out for number one!!! You matter!!! People like that are immature and have alot of growing up to do. I will never be burned like this again, I am truly a different person because of this. I wish people wouldnt put other human beings through hell the way some do, I dont understand it. Hopefully this is of some help to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you, along with strength and peace and to feel like a whole and wonderful person that is deserving of the best!!:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!!!! PS. Your the only one that can make decision as to if she deserves your friendship as well as risking any romantic feelings that you are starting to heal from.
Author scienceguy Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks for the responses. Bearpower, et al.: To be honest, I never felt any resentment towards her about breaking up with me. Breakups suck but sometimes they have to happen. The relationship I had with her was very unhealthy, largely thanks to my own mistakes, and I don't fault her for ending things. I think it's important to maintain perspective on those types of things. What really galls me, however, is the way she treated me when we were together or when we broke up. In a relationship, you are trusting the other person with your feelings, and she completely violated my trust and treated me with no respect whatsoever. Getting an acknowledgement and apology for some of those things is nice, but it doesn't change the effects of decisions on me. The main reason this is a "dilemma" for me is that I've made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I hope that by talking to the people on the forum, I could get some insight on these things. However, it looks like my gut feeling is right--keep her away. Btw, I don't think I'll ever tell her to go f**k herself. Doing that looks petty and lets the other person off. I'll probably tell her that I can't be friends with her because, after the way she treated me, I don't feel comfortable opening up with her, etc. I.e. put the blame squarely on her shoulders, like she did to me, and let her deal with it. The whole thing just sucks though. I had a lot of history with her, and she was my closest friend, but after the way she treated me, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I let her back in.
wow123 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I had an ex do this years after she cheated on me and I dumped her. She looked at me crying telling me she knows "Im the One". I told her NO CHANCE. We are on speaking terms if we see eachother out but thats about it. U can forgive but never forget. She is no friend if she hurt u the way u say she did (lying, cheating etc.)
boogieboy Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 There is NO reason for you to be friends with her, to relieve her guilt. F*ck her. Keep away from her, if neither of you are attracted to each other anymore, theres no reason to talk to each other.
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