hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I settle for inadequacies because I feel I myself am inadequate. I have such strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others. Academically I do very well -- perfect SAT's, perfect grades, multiple majors, good school, awards, active social life, I do well at work, etc. But when it comes to character traits I feel like I fail miserably. I don't like how I feel about money and I am afraid of exposing myself to someone. I overlook things in people because I feel like for anyone to be with me, they'd have to overlook quite a bit as well, and so in my mind I feel like it's only fair, however irrational and unhealthy it may be. Here is the thing, it appears you are very self critical. You ever hear that saying "takes one to know one?" Well, that applies here . What I am finally begining to realise, and what you need to realise for yourself; is that having weakness is NORMAL. Not being PERFECT, that's normal? Having flaws is something every person deals with. Physically, mentally, emotionally. We all have our strenghts and weaknesses in areas. It's normal. You settle for traits you're not really keen on because you think you're abnormal. You think you're such a handful to deal with. The thing is, the things I see hindering you and holding you back, are all perfectly fixable things. I.e your fear of intimacy. That's what everything all boils down too with you, and it's a treatable thing. It's also understandable why you would of developed that, it doesn't make you abnormal that you have it. People develop these defence mechanisms, coping mmechanisms, etc. as a response to certain things in life, and although we shouldn't hold on to them forever because they will hold us back, it's normal to have developed them. It isn't inconsistent with human nature, you're not a diseased lepper because of it.
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 "Most definitely... but I don't know how I can rebuild trust in people when I see failure everywhere, even in myself. Humans naturally want to save their own asses. If I expose myself with open arms to someone in an attempt for true love, I usually find that people take what they can and use my affections to their advantage to see how far they can milk me, and I delude myself into thinking they must actually care for me. Well you can start by getting off the computer and establishing a relationship with someone that is not based on words, and instead it is based on actions and shared experiences together. This is how you build trust, not over endless conversations on MSN that lead to stupidity and over-analyzing of things that are for all you know just in your head and not true to who or what each person is like.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 You know what, screw it. I'm going to talk to her about it right now. I'll let you guys know how it goes.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 "Your real fears are being taken advantage of, being used, being lied too." Most definitely... but I don't know how I can rebuild trust in people when I see failure everywhere, even in myself. Humans naturally want to save their own asses. If I expose myself with open arms to someone in an attempt for true love, I usually find that people take what they can and use my affections to their advantage to see how far they can milk me, and I delude myself into thinking they must actually care for me. I WANT to trust, I WANT to be intimate and open, and I want there to be no barriers, but every time I try this I just get hammered harder and harder. Failure isn't as ugly as we self critical people find it to be. In fact, failure is beautiful a lot of times. It's often what teaches us the best. It's often what has caused us to grow the wisest and strongest in matters. It's what can be a necessary element to learning experience, valuable valuable learning experience. IMHO, I think the self critical/people critical atitude, and a thinking line of "how can I build trust when I see failure everywhere", is not only an excuse and a cop out for us, but it's also a fundamental incorrect belief. We've decided to equate stability and trustworthiness with perfection. I.E I don't see this person as having any flaws; so I can put my trust in them and oh! they have a flaw! Well, I can't possibly trust this person! To make matters worse, we often only share enough of ourselves with others to fit what we feel is a view of perfection. We don't share our gritty, authentic, imperfect thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Oh my god. "if we did live together its not like i would just be there and be like "ok go to work honey ill stay here all day cause i'm doing school." like, i would get a job and still do my schooling. like that's what i always wanted to do basically so like i just wont be at school and not have anything to support myself but a guy ya know?" I don't know whether to laugh or cry. lol.
bean1 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Did you talk to her about this via MSN or did you call her? So, is she saying that she will go to school and work part-time if you worked full-time? I don't see an issue with that. A lot of couples have that arrangement.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Oh my god. "if we did live together its not like i would just be there and be like "ok go to work honey ill stay here all day cause i'm doing school." like, i would get a job and still do my schooling. like that's what i always wanted to do basically so like i just wont be at school and not have anything to support myself but a guy ya know?" I don't know whether to laugh or cry. lol. Hopefully, you're not crying because you're realising that she isn't what you pegged her to be, and now it wouldn't be as easy to justify dumping her. Hopefully that's not what is going on here I'm glad though that you told her .
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 bean1: Yes. Basically she wants to do college online now, and so she can go anywhere. I let her know that working + school at the same time is HARD, and so I'd be willing to help her out if she needed it. I made it clear that right now I'm not exactly rolling in dough a lot because I pay for all my own stuff. Maybe down the line I'd have more, but I wanted her to understand that I would have trouble paying for myself + my expenses + her if we did live together at some point. I made it clear that it was still hypothetical in the event that we meet and she runs away screaming She also agrees that like, we wouldn't need to go shopping super often or anything. She says she has plenty of clothes and she says we don't have to spend money on unnecessary things unless we know we can afford it. I feel like this is some kind of practical joke. I really can't believe this.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 bean1: Yes. Basically she wants to do college online now, and so she can go anywhere. I let her know that working + school at the same time is HARD, and so I'd be willing to help her out if she needed it. I made it clear that right now I'm not exactly rolling in dough a lot because I pay for all my own stuff. Maybe down the line I'd have more, but I wanted her to understand that I would have trouble paying for myself + my expenses + her if we did live together at some point. I made it clear that it was still hypothetical in the event that we meet and she runs away screaming She also agrees that like, we wouldn't need to go shopping super often or anything. She says she has plenty of clothes and she says we don't have to spend money on unnecessary things unless we know we can afford it. I feel like this is some kind of practical joke. I really can't believe this. Yeah, amazing what happens when you start having a relationship with a person, instead of yourself huh . See, you sat there building this girl up in your head without ever giving her the opportunity to be something other than what your imagination conjured up. Are you realising, had you been straight with her from the get go, you would of never needed to consult us about this issue because you'd have all this info from her to begin with? However, I know it's not out of the woods just yet. Again, the money issue was only a mask for the deeper issues, but they aren't a death sentence. Maybe now you will be able to confront and begin working on them, and who knows you two may build a beautiful relationship together.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I just felt like had I been straight with her about my worries I would cause more problems somehow. But this is a huge wave of relief. I feel like more things are on the same page than I thought. Thank you so much for helping me do this. I probably wouldn't have even had this discussion with her otherwise.
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Oh my god. "if we did live together its not like i would just be there and be like "ok go to work honey ill stay here all day cause i'm doing school." like, i would get a job and still do my schooling. like that's what i always wanted to do basically so like i just wont be at school and not have anything to support myself but a guy ya know?" I don't know whether to laugh or cry. lol. Prolix you have to get away from this tit-for-tat mentality of yours. You will never love someone the way they are meant to be loved and receive the kind of love you deserve, if you think that every step is to be measured with a ruler. Couples support each other all the time, you never know what life might have in store for you long term. If you stay together for the long haul you might end up jobless or ill for an extended period of time and your woman might have to support you. This is so stupid that you are getting caught up in all these words, since the only way to see how giving a woman is is to study what she does with you in the day to day picture. Who cares what she says now, as IF she will say "yeah sucker I plan to sit at home and be taken care of you while you work like a dog" if that were her intention. You need to look for the true signs: For instance she might devote time to you when she is pressed for time in her life, she might sit by your side when you are sick and take care of you, she might come to your aid sometime when you are in need of a friend, she might cook you a little something just because, she might bring you coffee when she knows you are late getting up for work or help you with your daily chores, who knows? The possibilities are endless in terms of what she can show you on how giving she really is. She may not have a lot of money to offer you these days since she is in school but she may be very giving in other ways which only leads to the conclusion that if she is giving in all those many ways she will also be generous with her money when she does have it. This entire situation is so frustrating looking at it from the oustside you are wasting your life and time talking this relationship to death and not living it. What a pathetic sight, honestly. It's really so pointless and I wish you could see that.
bean1 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree, but I think Prolix and this girl need to take steps to meet each other in person and establish a relationship before all of this planning. Is it correct that you guys have not met in person? I'm not bashing online relationships (I met my partner online) but emailing someone is not the same as having a coffee with them on a Sunday morning. When you are talking about something as serious as cohabitating, the idea that you haven't met is really putting the horse before the cart. How can someone be worth planning a life with, but not worth a bus ticket?
samspade Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 My red-flag senses are tingling. What would you do? I'd listen to my instincts and next her.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I just felt like had I been straight with her about my worries I would cause more problems somehow. But this is a huge wave of relief. I feel like more things are on the same page than I thought. Thank you so much for helping me do this. I probably wouldn't have even had this discussion with her otherwise. Prolix, if you being straight with a partner about your beliefs and worries, causes problems then it isn't the right relationship for you. So don't ever feel like you should hide your true self to your partner because you're afraid it won't work out, the earlier on you are yourself the better, because if it does become a problem early on, you can both move on before either one of you are more deeply invested and involved. Then you feel scammed for not having your partners compatibility, and your partner feels scammed for not knowing this is who you really are the entire time.
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree, but I think Prolix and this girl need to take steps to meet each other in person and establish a relationship before all of this planning. When you are talking about something as serious as cohabitating, the idea that you haven't met is really putting the horse before the cart. How can someone be worth planning a life with, but not worth a bus ticket? That's what I mean. Seriously!!! to the last part of your quote.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 This isn't email. It's skype, basically. We talk via webcam right now.
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Oh ok Skype. Well I hope she doesn't break her nose when she leans over to plant a wet one on your lips.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Oh ok Skype. Well I hope she doesn't break her nose when she leans over to plant a wet one on your lips. Yes I'm with you. It's bizarre. . ..Skype and webcam equals having a cup of coffee with someone in the flesh and blood?! Wow?! Oh Bartleby!
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 "Computer says no!" Sorry couldn't resist...
Lucky_One Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix, did you like even read like the whole post I wrote about like incompatibilities? Like, I didn't write it just to hear myself like type, ya know? (I wrote it like she does, so that you could like understand it, in case my post got overlooked because it was like too concise or clear.)
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Yes, I read it, but I don't appreciate the insult. I'm quite capable of reading, thank you.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Yes, I read it, but I don't appreciate the insult. I'm quite capable of reading, thank you. I don't think you can dismiss his entire post as an insult. He laid out why marriages fail. . .and pointed out some things you need to consider in your situation. Don't overlook the tough stuff . . .and automatically rule them as an insult.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I'm not. I agree with the content of the earlier post itself, but I can do without the totally incorrect and offbase commentary.
WineCountry Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Yes, I know the drill. I am just shocked that so many people are in opposition here. I think it's just because my background is so different from most people. The idea of demanding things is just so foreign to me, as I've never had the luxury of doing that. Do people do this regularly in relationships?! It surely isn't normal, though. I had thousands of dollars at one point and wound up with near-0 once my ex gf drilled into my mind that I was being stingy and needed to spend more on her. I just don't know anymore, honestly. All signs and intuitions point one way, yet you all point another. My signs have just never failed me. Oh my freaking GAWD! Just stop dealing with this chick already before I hop on a plane to Florida so that i can run through a bunch of hungry Alligators. I'm betting that would hurt me less than seeing you blather on about this internet Princess. I havent read ALL the posts yet..i'm only on post 90-something. Hopefully by the time I get to the end, I will have found out that you stopped dealing with her. Yes, there ARE red flags, PLUS on top of that you have not met yet. What does that all equal?? Find another cyber chick. PLEASE.
Recommended Posts