Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I agree, sure. Makes sense Update on the infamous shirt: "Do you wear any perfume? Not to bed, of course lol" "Yes... why?" "You should totally spray a shirt and send that... I can do the same" "If I spray my shirt you won't be able to wear it" "Why would I wear it? A guy wearing girl's clothes would be a bit odd. I'd sleep with it :P" "Alright " hoping2heal: I guess I have a fear of explaining myself that way to a girl only to have her to "No thanks!" and take off. Again, I feel like it's either I have to put up with leeching or simply accept to not date at all. I feel like all girls want to be taken care of and none of them are okay with contributing. I know such girls exist, but I just have yet to meet any personally, and it bugs me because I know a lot of people. I don't think I have a fear of intimacy, though... how else would you characterize a fear of it?
2sunny Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: Haha, the bra comment is a side thing. I just wanted to see if she would be willing to send something back. My thoughts? I want to date someone who isn't just going to leech off me. I feel like I either have to put up with that or not date at all. huh? why do you have to put up with anything? set your boundary - let her know what it is and she'll either live within that or she won't. if she doesn't - then she's out. she may just be testing you from far away to see if you are a sucker enough to fall for the "poor me" attitude and come to her rescue... willing to do anything and everything to keep her around (there are PLENTY of women out there that do this all the time). a healthy boundary will keep these women at bay - if you communicate your position effectively. it will also only invite emotionally healthy women who are willing to be independent and are confident enough to take care of themselves at the same time. she sounds like she's playing you to se how much you'll bend and help her... don't do it - that is just rewarding bad behavior. on a side note - she may not be ALLOWED to get medicine for herself. she may have someone who administers it for her due to an addiction problem... which would actually explain some of the bizarre and immature behavior... but still - no reason to continue corresponding with her. ask her if she has an issue with prescription meds or drugs... i dare you... i bet money she's had a problem.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree, sure. Makes sense Update on the infamous shirt: "Do you wear any perfume? Not to bed, of course lol" "Yes... why?" "You should totally spray a shirt and send that... I can do the same" "If I spray my shirt you won't be able to wear it" "Why would I wear it? A guy wearing girl's clothes would be a bit odd. I'd sleep with it :P" "Alright " Please don't insult my intelligence, Prolix. I'm referring to that first line btw. If what I have to say annoys you, say it? Pisses you off? Say it. I'm really not here to brow beat you, neither is anyone else. We actually want to help you, the best people that can help you? People who have been there. You went to an ivy league school right? Did you piss on the valuable information you were given during lectures? Because that's what you're doing right now, and it isn't me who's going to suffer for it, it's you. So I would suggest giving some of this an honest thought and if you decide there could be any truth to it, see what you can possibly do to change it.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Interesting point. I'll ask her tomorrow about that. So do you think this shirt conversation is a bad sign/a good one/or a sign that I am overanalyzing?
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree, sure. Makes sense Update on the infamous shirt: "Do you wear any perfume? Not to bed, of course lol" "Yes... why?" "You should totally spray a shirt and send that... I can do the same" "If I spray my shirt you won't be able to wear it" "Why would I wear it? A guy wearing girl's clothes would be a bit odd. I'd sleep with it :P" "Alright " Since you two are so far away from each other, sleeping with something belonging to the other person is of Sentimental Value... So -- see... she IS prepared to send you something... you just mustn't assume... you Talk about it... how romantic for her to know you want something personal of hers, and you will do the same for her... a nice touch. Now -- that's far better than fending off her requests, all the while suspecting her of being a Taker... right? Do not paint her in that color of fear you have for a girl who will take you for everything... start being open and sharing with her who you really are... you will not have that fear then... you will have built mutual trust. So -- whatcha thinking now?
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: Whoa there, BRAKES. When did I ever insult your intelligence? I never said anything anywhere that implied such a thing.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Interesting point. I'll ask her tomorrow about that. So do you think this shirt conversation is a bad sign/a good one/or a sign that I am overanalyzing? I think yes, you totally blew the T shirt thing out of porportion. Is it a bad or good sign? Well, I won't say, do I think it's a sign that something isn't right? Yes. That doesn't mean with her, or the relationship but with you, but when I say that I mean something is wrong right now fundamentally with your thinking regarding relationships, it happens to a lot of people, I'll be the first to say ME. So that isn't a put down. I think the fact that you haven't yet been honest or yourself with this girl however isn't a good thing, and I don't mean that in a sense of judging you; I mean what I want is for you to realise "hey, this isn't right, why is that? and what can I do to change that?" Honesty is so much more than not telling lies, it's about telling what you really think and feel to someone. Being authentic, saying something isn't okay when it's not okay with you. Saying what you need to be secure in a relationship. etc.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: Whoa there, BRAKES. When did I ever insult your intelligence? I never said anything anywhere that implied such a thing. LOL, you've been doing it for awhile kiddo. Maybe not intentionally, but you've been doing it. How you ask? Just to start..avoiding direct questions I've asked when commenting on a post I've made, but going on to a lesser more irrelevent point. But, let's not get off track. I won't hold it against you. Let's stay on topic here.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Honesty is so much more than not telling lies, it's about telling what you really think and feel to someone. Being authentic, saying something isn't okay when it's not okay with you. Saying what you need to be secure in a relationship. etc. Yeah... Prolix -- honesty is about telling factual truths... but being Open is about talking about how you are feeling, and what you are thinking... this is where you lack. Why are you holding back? She cannot read your mind. BTW, how old is this girl? What experience does she have that can have prepared her for life like yours has? You said she's never had a job... hmm... so she has some growing up to do. No worries, we all have to do this at some point.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal there's a lot of questions in this thread lol. I'm trying to answer them! But please do not think I am trying to insult anyone's intelligence, as that is not what I am doing at all. I appreciate this advice and am simply trying to understand how to best handle these things.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Athena, he's probably thinking "Damn! Does that H2heal lady come with a muzzle!" I mean well Prolix, I really do.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Athena, he's probably thinking "Damn! Does that H2heal lady come with a muzzle!" I mean well Prolix, I really do. Lol... eh... sometimes when there is something New to take in, one needs a lot of repetition to really HEAR the message.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Athena: She's 18. She has never had a job before, which is a worry of mine because I fear she's not going to be compatible with my lifestyle. I don't know how many women are okay with pulling their weight. However, so far she's been fairly agreeable. She applied to a job when I asked her too. She agreed to cook for me when we met, and even now she agreed to send something via mail. There are a lot of conflicting signs here and I don't know how to make sense of them, given my past and what I've experienced before.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal there's a lot of questions in this thread lol. I'm trying to answer them! But please do not think I am trying to insult anyone's intelligence, as that is not what I am doing at all. I appreciate this advice and am simply trying to understand how to best handle these things. Alright, that seems understandable enough then. God knows I have only congested the problem, so I'll let it slide .
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Athena: She's 18. She has never had a job before, which is a worry of mine because I fear she's not going to be compatible with my lifestyle. I don't know how many women are okay with pulling their weight. However, so far she's been fairly agreeable. She applied to a job when I asked her too. She agreed to cook for me when we met, and even now she agreed to send something via mail. There are a lot of conflicting signs here and I don't know how to make sense of them, given my past and what I've experienced before. Have you bothered to tell her what you expect of a relationship? Have you bothered to relay your concerns that she may not be compatible with your lifestyle? Have you bothered to tell her about what you've shared with us about being on your own, needing to be smart with money, a gf that wiped you out and left a sour taste in your mouth? Because if you haven't, not only are you not being honest with this girl, you're trying to control the whole relationship. How you ask? Because you're speaking for her. You have everything in your head, she seems pretty up front about herself with you, so you get your TRUE thoughts and you get her TRUE thoughts, and then you try and decide the direction of the relationship. What is she getting? She's getting a nice stand in version of you that goes through the motions with her.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Athena: She's 18. She has never had a job before, which is a worry of mine because I fear she's not going to be compatible with my lifestyle. I don't know how many women are okay with pulling their weight. However, so far she's been fairly agreeable. She applied to a job when I asked her too. She agreed to cook for me when we met, and even now she agreed to send something via mail. There are a lot of conflicting signs here and I don't know how to make sense of them, given my past and what I've experienced before. OMGosh she is naive and you are old beyond your years... listen, she may not be incompatible with you (not totally)... she is willing to Learn, change, GROW... If you are happy to help teach her what you have learned about life so far, and she trusts you enough, and respects you enough to listen... you two might grow together.. but honestly look at WHO you picked -- a young girl, who hasn't lived away from home and hasn't even had a student job! (lol, I started working on the weekend when I was 13... my dad had died, my mom had four kids to support, and we ALL got jobs -- on our own, too). I paid for my own stuff from that age, while Mom paid for the house and bills... but no allowance for us! This girl of yours is still living like a child.. She might well turn out well and grow up... she seems to take your suggestions well, lol...
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I agree entirely, you two. Again though my problem is just how to bring it up properly. I don't want to sound accusatory and I don't want to push her into a corner and make her think that I'm some stingy bastard who never spends money on people, because I'm really not, but I don't want her to expect that I'm going to constantly fund her makeup addiction or food or whatever. I mean, down the line, if I were making very decent money and we had an otherwise great relationship, I'd be more than happy to support someone and raise a family off my own income. But that's a much much later stage of something else altogether that would come once I was certain that she was serious about the relationship and was willing to put work into it, as opposed to just expecting me to do everything. Athena: Sorry about your father. Mine passed when I was 18. Update: "I'll send you my favorite teddy"
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree entirely, you two. Again though my problem is just how to bring it up properly. I don't want to sound accusatory and I don't want to push her into a corner and make her think that I'm some stingy bastard who never spends money on people, because I'm really not, but I don't want her to expect that I'm going to constantly fund her makeup addiction or food or whatever. I mean, down the line, if I were making very decent money and we had an otherwise great relationship, I'd be more than happy to support someone and raise a family off my own income. But that's a much much later stage of something else altogether that would come once I was certain that she was serious about the relationship and was willing to put work into it, as opposed to just expecting me to do everything. I think the problem has come about because you haven't been OPEN with her all this time (see my previous explanation of Honesty vrs being Open). So -- sure -- as H2heal pointed out -- you've been quietly sizing her up all this time, without letting her have ANY FEEDBACK! Nothing about your true reactions... So, how are you going to share who you are with her? Step by step as things come up! Not a big surprise at the end when you dump her! (as H2heal pointed out, this girl would be blindsided cuz you never shared your true thoughts and opinions with her). You have a bit of catching up to do... to bring her up to speed with who you are, what you think, what you value... Oh -- and I think she's behaving like a normal, sheltered, child... not the independent 18 year old, but the naive one -- she has NO experience of life -- yet.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree entirely, you two. Again though my problem is just how to bring it up properly. I don't want to sound accusatory and I don't want to push her into a corner and make her think that I'm some stingy bastard who never spends money on people, because I'm really not, but I don't want her to expect that I'm going to constantly fund her makeup addiction or food or whatever. I mean, down the line, if I were making very decent money and we had an otherwise great relationship, I'd be more than happy to support someone and raise a family off my own income. But that's a much much later stage of something else altogether that would come once I was certain that she was serious about the relationship and was willing to put work into it, as opposed to just expecting me to do everything. Athena: Sorry about your father. Mine passed when I was 18. Prolix, This woman may or may not be compatible with you. BUT, since you do seem to want to give it a go, you want to try this then do it justice. Don't allow yourself to cop out. You learned to make it on your own since you were 14, don't tell me you don't posess any old age wisdom to share information about your expectations and beliefs with another person without having to say "I think you're spoiled" You're over here opening up to us about your fears, your values, your beliefs and expectations. Share this WITH HER. Yes, Athena and I are no doubt lovely ladies but you're not dating either of us, while we don't mind you sharing this information with us, the most important person that needs to hear this is HER. In the words of Uncle Jesse from Full House ..Capeche?
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix... life is tough without a father in the house, but it makes you grow up faster... but see, that's why you are strong and independent... See post 125 for a script on How to Tell her... Starting today, start Sharing with her your thoughts and telling her about your life experience, what you did, how it made you form your values. It's time to start talking. You've done it here on the boards... so why have you held back with her?
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Share this WITH HER. Yes, Athena and I are no doubt lovely ladies but you're not dating either of us, while we don't mind you sharing this information with us, the most important person that needs to hear this is HER. LOL!.....
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Sure, I understand that I need to tell her all this. But, gah, where to begin. I don't know if any amount of explanation would be enough substitute for simple life experience.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Sure, I understand that I need to tell her all this. But, gah, where to begin. I don't know if any amount of explanation would be enough substitute for simple life experience. You take the next opportunity that comes up to explain about how you started working to support yourself from 14... and what that taught you, and as a result What You Value Today... No need to jump out and point a finger at her and say, 'You never did this, you act like an entitled child, etc etc' If she is smart, she will draw analogies between your life and hers... if she has feelings for you, she will take note of what is important to you... if she wants to grow up and become independent of her parents, she will learn from you and ask you questions... she will openly admire you if that's what she sees for herself...
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Sure, I understand that I need to tell her all this. But, gah, where to begin. I don't know if any amount of explanation would be enough substitute for simple life experience. Prolix, a person can't take a chance you're not willing to give them. Okay, maybe she won't understand, but at least you know you were honest and you put yourself out there. Worst case scenario, she tells you that she can't hang with your ideas of life, let her leave then because it doesn't mean she's a bad person, just not a proper fit for you. Furthermore, if you can't be yourself with this girl, and share who prolix REALLY IS, what's the point of a relationship with her? I mean, I guess you could go ahead and do what I did for years, have one sided relationships, where you know all about them, but they don't know about you. A little hint though, it never ends well. Nobody gets what they wanted. I'm working on all my fear of intimacy issues (and the other 29,000 I have ) and I'm looking forward to a chance at a real happy ending, done the right way. Do the same for yourself.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 In the meantime, just enjoy her as you communicate with her, and find out who she is (and share who YOU are)... just keep in mind that your FEARS are unfounded -- No one can MAKE you do anything you do not want to do -- and that includes pay for her...
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