Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix, Why do you constantly compare her to your ex girlfriends? That said, I'm absolutely floored how you can be surprised by this whatsoever. Look at the way she treats her mother, I mean her own mother? How can you honestly be surprised (because that's almost how you act) that now she would begin the same behavior with you? You almost seem like you're looking for a way out of this relationship, yet at the same time convincing yourself you're justified in doing so tbh. The shirt was flirting, clearly. Yes, maybe she'd really like you to send one, but the spirit of the gimme gimme I think is her flirting, more so than being demanding. but it's as if you want us all to say "yes! she's demanding! get rid of her!." This could just be a method of self sabotage though, I guess that would also make sense. I agree with your post
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 "the bigger meaning" "stay at my place if things got to it" Hmm.....Seroquel does work for mild delusions Seriously, OP, are you reading what you're posting? Take a minute and let it soak in. You've been on LS for three years. You know the drill, right?
Jilly Bean Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 [quote=carhill;2227133Hmm.....Seroquel does work for mild delusions Seriously, OP, are you reading what you're posting? Take a minute and let it soak in. You've been on LS for three years. You know the drill, right? LOL. Or, Haldol. I have to wonder if he carries on like this months before ever meeting a girl, what is he like in person with dating? Change my suggestion to Xanax.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Yes, I know the drill. I am just shocked that so many people are in opposition here. I think it's just because my background is so different from most people. The idea of demanding things is just so foreign to me, as I've never had the luxury of doing that. Do people do this regularly in relationships?! It surely isn't normal, though. I had thousands of dollars at one point and wound up with near-0 once my ex gf drilled into my mind that I was being stingy and needed to spend more on her. I just don't know anymore, honestly. All signs and intuitions point one way, yet you all point another. My signs have just never failed me.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix, Why did you have to pay for everything on your own since you were 14? I'm not trying to be funny or smart when I say this, but do you think it's possible you have a fear of intimacy?
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix, does she have any idea about your financial status and attitudes towards finance in general? If not, perhaps it's time you told her, speaking of keeping it real. She was flirting with you, for crying out loud. Asking for a second-hand shirt of yours, means she's willing to wear something of yours, means she's calling herself yours! Sheesh...
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I don't have a fear of intimacy, no. I have a fear of being taken advantage of when I'm already so strapped. I've had to pay for everything since 14 because that's when my parents decided to stop paying for me. Instead they'd spend money on their own personal amenities/accessories/whatever. For a while I was not eligible to work due to my age and so I did odd jobs for neighbors until I could work during high school. This carried on into college and even today. I've just always had to work. So many students here have such a great support base from back home. I just have no idea what that would feel like. Such things would make life 100x easier.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Athena: Every girl I've dated just starts demanding things and expecting things left and right once I do that. I would love to be able to give, but I find that people take advantage of it so heavily. I know I probably come across as such a penny-pincher but I mean, most people don't know what it's like paying for all your own stuff ever since the age of like 14 or so. Especially college, working through school, paying for food, housing, clothes, while handling intense workloads (I was also valedictorian in high school and near the top of my class here in college)... it's hard as hell work. I HAVE to be smart with my money, otherwise I simply cannot function. You never mentioned her age, but anyway... Yes -- it sounds like you are exceptional in that you have been placed into a situation from a young age, of fending for yourself financially... this is pretty unusual, don't you think? So, of course you are not going to have the same perspective as other young adults your age, or younger... they haven't had the benefit of your unique experience. It doesn't surprise me that your previous g/fs seem needy of you in material ways... BECAUSE they are just raised that way -- they have been on the receiving end of Plentiful for a long while... they equate Love with Gifts or whatever... now... here's the thing -- it's up to YOU to ensure that they get to know how you feel, and to understand and appreciate your position... that you work very, very hard and you cannot start to support another... that if they want a relationship with you they will have to pull their weight. Oh, and one more thing -- don't date/internet date/ a young girl who doesn't have a job, lives at home, and seems to only value Stuff to Make Herself Look Prettier (which, btw, seems to have attracted you?!)... that comes with a price.... look for someone more like you -- who values a good education, hard work, and independence... not a pretty airhead who expects to be supported for looking pretty... Again... It's your responsibility to LOOK for such a woman, and your job to EXPLAIN who you are and the values you have...
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Yes, I know the drill. I am just shocked that so many people are in opposition here. I think it's just because my background is so different from most people. The idea of demanding things is just so foreign to me, as I've never had the luxury of doing that. Do people do this regularly in relationships?! It surely isn't normal, though. I had thousands of dollars at one point and wound up with near-0 once my ex gf drilled into my mind that I was being stingy and needed to spend more on her. I just don't know anymore, honestly. All signs and intuitions point one way, yet you all point another. My signs have just never failed me. Opposition? If I were you I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. She sounds completely self centered, whiney, spoiled, and a bad atitude to boot. I couldn't put up with that if I were you. What I said was, in one of your earlier posts you mentioned how it didn't bother you the way she treated and acted towards her own mother, yet you act surprised at all the rest of her behavior. You've been picking at a reason to dump her back with the crazy medicine cabinet incident, when that didn't work, you've moved on to seriously over reaching with the shirt convo. Yes, to me she comes across like a brat, but do I still think it was all flirting? Yes. The reason I asked if you believed you might have a fear of intimacy, is because I don't think it's any coincidence you chose a girl with a piss poor atitude, and are now looking for an out.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Athena: I don't know anyone like that unfortunately. :/ Trialbyfire: I understand that -- truly. I'm just so fearful of re-experiencing what I've had with my exes.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: I feel like most people in this thread think I am overreacting and that the girl is being perfectly reasonable and flirty. I'm not looking for an in or out -- I'm looking for a levelheaded, balanced look given our situations. I basically just checked to see if she was willing to send something back -- if she can take, can she give? "Well if I'm going to part with my beloved, warm shirt... I may need something sexy to keep me company at night... but first I am gonna have to sleep in the shirt.." "Haha, like what?" "Well what do you sleep in?" "A big tee and underwear or pants or shorts but usually just underwear" "Not even a bra?!" "Nope"
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I don't have a fear of intimacy, no. I have a fear of being taken advantage of when I'm already so strapped. I've had to pay for everything since 14 because that's when my parents decided to stop paying for me. Instead they'd spend money on their own personal amenities/accessories/whatever. For a while I was not eligible to work due to my age and so I did odd jobs for neighbors until I could work during high school. This carried on into college and even today. I've just always had to work. So many students here have such a great support base from back home. I just have no idea what that would feel like. Such things would make life 100x easier. You sure about that cowboy? You chose a girl to date who demonstrates charachteristics which you greatly oppose. Call me crazy for thinking it just doesn't line up very well with "serious intention for a long lasting union". By all means, it isn't anything to be ashamed of. I mean it isn't a good thing to have a fear of intimacy, but sometimes people go through things in life that cause us to fear it, and by intimacy I don't mean sex btw. I mean transparency, openness with another person. Sharing who we are. I have a fear of it, for understandable reasons. But I'm now working on getting past it, so again if you embrace it you can do something about repeating a pattern, instead of running around in circles in a little gerbil ball, continually self sabotaging yourself like you're doing now.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I am completely fine with being open/connected with other people. My problem is that when I do so, I always get taken advantage of. With each new girl, I hold onto hope that it'll be different and that they won't just be takers. Each time I wind up sorely incorrect.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: I feel like most people in this thread think I am overreacting and that the girl is being perfectly reasonable and flirty. I'm not looking for an in or out -- I'm looking for a levelheaded, balanced look given our situations. I basically just checked to see if she was willing to send something back -- if she can take, can she give? "Well if I'm going to part with my beloved, warm shirt... I may need something sexy to keep me company at night... but first I am gonna have to sleep in the shirt.." "Haha, like what?" "Well what do you sleep in?" "A big tee and underwear or pants or shorts but usually just underwear" "Not even a bra?!" "Nope" Because she told you she doesn't wear a bra this suddenly means she isn't willing to give? Levelheaded anything isn't what you're looking for, if you're actually serious.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Athena: I don't know anyone like that unfortunately. :/ Trialbyfire: I understand that -- truly. I'm just so fearful of re-experiencing what I've had with my exes. Okay, so at your tender young age you don't know anyone YET (I am sure you will meet plenty pple like this later when they have become self-supporting adults)... so in the meantime.... EXPLAIN yourself to the girls you meet that you DO like... it's going to mean better intimacy as they get to know the real you, how you think, what you value etc, It's going to weed out the real needy,desperate ones ( a good thing -- will save you two years and a few $ grand), as well as give you an opportunity to live with a g/f who knows that she must pull her own weight right from the get-go... so, she won't feel unappreciated by you, you won't feel taken advantage of, and whenever you do land up buying her a gift, she will be appreciative. What do you think? It just seems like you are on 'best behavior' with her, and not delving into real thoughts and feelings with HER -- yet you have explained yourself perfectly well to us on this board... hmm?! Why?
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I am completely fine with being open/connected with other people. My problem is that when I do so, I always get taken advantage of. With each new girl, I hold onto hope that it'll be different and that they won't just be takers. Each time I wind up sorely incorrect. And what are your thoughts Mr. Prolix, on choosing to date a girl who displays charachteristics and patterns of which you are in opposition too?
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: Haha, the bra comment is a side thing. I just wanted to see if she would be willing to send something back. My thoughts? I want to date someone who isn't just going to leech off me. I feel like I either have to put up with that or not date at all.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It just seems like you are on 'best behavior' with her, and not delving into real thoughts and feelings with HER -- yet you have explained yourself perfectly well to us on this board... hmm?! Why? I'll answer this for you, it's fear of intimacy. Maybe you don't have a problem being open/connected with people, but you come across by your posts that you have a damn big problem with it when it comes to romantic partners. I mean, 20 bucks says if you dumped her, and even gave her a reason she would be blindsided, why? "If you had a problem with this, why didn't you ever tell me?" She may even go one step further as to say "but you already knew I was like this! I don't understand how it's suddenly a problem!" And why would she say/think these things? Because as Athena pointed out, you share your thoughts on a message board, but you don't share them with her, and why not?
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: Haha, the bra comment is a side thing. I just wanted to see if she would be willing to send something back. My thoughts? I want to date someone who isn't just going to leech off me. I feel like I either have to put up with that or not date at all. (ps: I don't know any woman who sleeps in her bra!) So -- why aren't you telling her what your values and outlook on life are/is? Why is it easier for you to tell us on LS your true thoughts, but you sidestep those issues with your girl? How is she going to adjust her behavior and attitude to accommodate you if you never give her truth? BTW -- I suggest you re-read hoping2heal's posts -- very, very wise insights...
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal: Haha, the bra comment is a side thing. I just wanted to see if she would be willing to send something back. My thoughts? I want to date someone who isn't just going to leech off me. I feel like I either have to put up with that or not date at all. Again, you're missing my point. You want to date someone who isn't going to leech off you; so you choose a girl who is young, dependent on others (and doesn't hide that fact at all) and is self proclaimed spoiled. Yeah..you know what? That's like me telling you I want a flat screen television, and going to a grocery store and complaining I couldn't find what I want.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I want to date someone who isn't just going to leech off me. I feel like I either have to put up with that or not date at all. NO NO NO -- this is so wrong... there is Another Way -- where you explain what YOUR boundaries are, upfront... if the girl is still hanging around you, she's a keeper... Stop putting up a fake front, and then feeling disappointed in the Girl! Be honest with her about who you are!
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It just seems like you are on 'best behavior' with her, and not delving into real thoughts and feelings with HER -- yet you have explained yourself perfectly well to us on this board... hmm?! Why? I'll answer this for you, it's fear of intimacy. Maybe you don't have a problem being open/connected with people, but you come across by your posts that you have a damn big problem with it when it comes to romantic partners. I mean, 20 bucks says if you dumped her, and even gave her a reason she would be blindsided, why? "If you had a problem with this, why didn't you ever tell me?" She may even go one step further as to say "but you already knew I was like this! I don't understand how it's suddenly a problem!" And why would she say/think these things? Because as Athena pointed out, you share your thoughts on a message board, but you don't share them with her, and why not? Brilliantly explained! Take note, OP... read this again and Take It In.
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal and Athena: I guess it is because I don't want to come across as insulting. If someone told me "I think you're spoiled and have way too high a sense of self-entitlement" I would be quite upset. I don't know the best way to bring up something like, "If we eventually lived together I would expect you to work and help out with expenses," especially since such a thing may be so far down the road, but it's a time investment I'd want to avoid if she weren't into that. On the other hand, I don't want to sound crazy for thinking so far ahead, either.
Athena Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal and Athena: I guess it is because I don't want to come across as insulting. If someone told me "I think you're spoiled and have way too high a sense of self-entitlement" I would be quite upset. I don't know the best way to bring up something like, "If we eventually lived together I would expect you to work and help out with expenses," especially since such a thing may be so far down the road, but it's a time investment I'd want to avoid if she weren't into that. On the other hand, I don't want to sound crazy for thinking so far ahead, either. Then what you say is, "I value independence in a girl -- I want a partner, not to be someone's Sugar Daddy..." You do NOT tell her "I think you are spoiled and are self-entitled" that IS insulting and she would run away... so you teach her what YOUR attitudes and values are, and do not judge or insult her along the way. Simply state your beliefs... tell her what you admire. Share with her your upbringing, and how working so hard makes you feel... if you are honest but respectful, that should be fine.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hoping2heal and Athena: I guess it is because I don't want to come across as insulting. If someone told me "I think you're spoiled and have way too high a sense of self-entitlement" I would be quite upset. I don't know the best way to bring up something like, "If we eventually lived together I would expect you to work and help out with expenses," especially since such a thing may be so far down the road, but it's a time investment I'd want to avoid if she weren't into that. On the other hand, I don't want to sound crazy for thinking so far ahead, either. Okay, Firstly ; there are ways to communicate your thoughts respectfully, that a mature person can handle and won't be insulted by. You don't even need to bring "her" into it. You could of started by saying : Listen, I've been on my own since I was 14 and had to pay for everything. It's a base value to me to be wise with spending and money, I had a girlfriend one time that demanded I spend and spend and spend on her, I did it and now I regret it. That really turned me off, and although I don't have a problem taking care of a woman I care about, to be honest that experience really scared me and I don't want to repeat it in the future. I just want you to know that it's an important value to me, that both partners hold jobs and contribute financially in a relationship. Any woman I became serious with and eventually married, I would like to also hold a job and contribute to the family finances. I hope you understand, this is just what I believe and need in a relationship. That's just an example. See? No calling her spoiled, no even talking about marrying her; just expressing your thoughts on the woman you DO marry. Just being up front and honest about who you are and what you believe, something that you have not yet done with this girl, and you really going to sit there and continue to say you won't at least CONSIDER the possibility you have a fear of intimacy in relationships?
Recommended Posts