Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Update: She apparently just sent applications to two places of employment.
carhill Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Who pays for her phone? Internet? Guess who would if this 'works out'.....and who she'd be complaining about...
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Well here is my rationale, which is balancing against my aforementioned worries: I figure if this does end up working out, she would have to get a job. I have enough to pay for with my tuition and everything. I would say that I would simply be unable to afford paying for anything excessive like a phone or makeup or whatever, and that she would have to find work if she wanted to do this. Again, these are all based on red flags. She's never demanded that I pay for anything at all, it's just a worry I have.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 the job applications is a good step in the right direction. i worry about a grown woman being so immature that she doesn't have basic skills to take care of herself. couple tht with her expectations to have others do these basic things for herself = issues... big issues. not only that but attitude and sense of entitlement and then to complain about it with no action on her part is very unhealthy. she needs to look to herself for solutions to her problems. her ability to easily blame others and not do something about it all herself is just immature and so wrong in every way. if you date her - expect every day to look like that when you are with her. it would be way too exhausting and frustrating for me. she acts as if she's five years old and incapable of taking care of basic needs while having problem solving issues at the same time. this will be a huge hurdle for anyone that dates her.
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I mean the fact that she at least applied, to me, is a good sign that she's at least willing to try (as opposed to just completely refusing). And I agree that this "sense of entitlement" thing is quite unhealthy. I just hope that the way she interacts with her parents is not something that carries over to us. Like I have no problems getting her something as a present, let's say, but I refuse to "entitle" her to that sort of thing on a weekly basis. She just spent like 35 dollars on concealer. I don't know if that's expensive or not for makeup, but to me, 35 dollars = food for the week. We have both even spoken about fighting and how much we hate it -- how much we'd rather talk things out if things got to it. However, I feel hypocritical for even thinking about bringing this up because technically speaking, there are no problems between us yet personally.
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I mean am I eternally cursing myself here, though? As someone who has always paid their own way, I feel like I am going to look at every girl the same way, as most people do have things paid for them to some degree.
carhill Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 as most people do have things paid for them to some degree. I'd love to live in that universe. Tell me how to get there
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 If I knew, I'd be there myself. Here in college, almost every kid here is being assisted somehow. Their food is paid for/tuition paid for by parents, etc. I have to pay for EVERYTHING. Oi.
loveslife Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I mean am I eternally cursing myself here, though? As someone who has always paid their own way, I feel like I am going to look at every girl the same way, as most people do have things paid for them to some degree. Prolix, I've not read the entire thread, just bits of it, but this part caught my eye. I don't think you're cursed. I do think you should be with someone who is compatible. As you get older it might not bother you to be around someone who has had things handed to her. But it's something that matters to you right now and you shouldn't just ignore it or it'll be like a thorn in your side. I don't know, that's just the impression I got.
carhill Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 If I knew, I'd be there myself. On second thought, maybe it's an anti-matter universe and we'd just cancel each other out
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Prolix, what she spends on makeup bothers me less than her inability to do anything for herself, like sammich making, finding the medicine cabinet and getting beyond the child-safe lid, etc.
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Yeah that just struck me as SO odd. She makes it sound like her mother would be enraged if she simply got some headache medicine. I feel like, it's not like the mother has to go GRAB medicine and administer it personally. That just seems so incredibly ridiculous to me. I don't know if she's just trying to garner sympathy from me or if she's just being so lazy that she is unwilling to help herself by going to open up a simple bottle of Ibuprofin to cure a headache. I really doubt the mother has some an iron-grip monopoly over the medicine in the house and would smite anyone who comes for it. The idea of "starving" even with a sandwich being made for her instead of a hot meal just rubs me the wrong way altogether. Am I looking too much into things, or are my suspicions sound? How would you bring this up/talk about it?
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You're over-analyzing because that is what people do when their "relationships" are based on fantasy interaction. It's all lived in your head so you can do nothing but over-think and that is both true for the good and the negative. At the end of the day you have no idea what she wold be like in terms of contributing to a relationship because you have never met her or been in a situation where you had to see how she would behave. Her complaining about her parents all the time and about things that seem trivial to you is exactly what bored people do online when they are dumping their minds on the computer or the phone.
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Yeah that just struck me as SO odd. She makes it sound like her mother would be enraged if she simply got some headache medicine. I feel like, it's not like the mother has to go GRAB medicine and administer it personally. That just seems so incredibly ridiculous to me. I don't know if she's just trying to garner sympathy from me or if she's just being so lazy that she is unwilling to help herself by going to open up a simple bottle of Ibuprofin to cure a headache. I really doubt the mother has some an iron-grip monopoly over the medicine in the house and would smite anyone who comes for it. The idea of "starving" even with a sandwich being made for her instead of a hot meal just rubs me the wrong way altogether. Am I looking too much into things, or are my suspicions sound? How would you bring this up/talk about it?Why not just ask her? If you have plans to take this to real life, someone who's unable to handle the simplest things, isn't going to make a good partner.
Jilly Bean Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Again, please do not focus on issues that are not relevant here. Saying that this relationship "is a dream" is missing the point and is entirely inaccurate. I think you are well deluded, my friend. The most salient point of this entire thread IS the fact that you are living this dynamic in your head. There is no relationship. You are carrying on like you are actually involved with this person, when, for all you know, she could be a 55 year old dude living in his mothers basement playing WOW all day and playing with his voice machine. Yes, MANY people meet online. BUT, they use it as a tool to actually MEET people. Not to carry on for weeks and months living a fantasy of being involved. Most people exchange a few emails, and then meet within a week. They don't get caught up in pure fantasy as you are. To be putting this much energy into fueling a fantasy is terribly unhealthy.
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Jilly Bean, I am with you 100% It is futile to analyze this girl's actions, it's all based on fantasy. Prolix do you video chat?
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I speak with her on video chats all the time. It's not like I'm interacting with a black box function, here. And considering that we are up for meeting here in a couple of months (we live in different states right now), I don't think this is terribly unhealthy. I've met plenty of friends this way that I now know well in person, so I apologize if we do not see eye to eye on that issue, but I know how the sort of interaction works and I know what translates well and what does not. This is why I am saying that the online-meeting component is not so much the problem right now. What is your opinion of the other issue at hand? I don't know how I would bring this up without coming across as a total ass.
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 But there is no other "issue" at hand, since you don't know what this girl is like in an actual relationship. Interacting with someone on a computer screen is like having a relationship with a robot. Women sometimes when they fall really hard for men will bend over backwards to please them, and men do the same for women when love is involved. This means that people will do things that are completely out of their characters to make their love interest happy so you really have no idea what this girl's potential is in flesh and blood and day to day in a loving relationship with you. Which is why you should stop analyzing this so much and just meet her already so that you can actually get on with the "real" part. You could meet her and she "smells wrong" and that's the end of that.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I agree with JillyBean. I also found it strange that you are 22 years old and have to rely on online sources for meeting people. This is not healthy for a young person like you. Many times older people may tend more towards this as their friends marry off and they have less people to go out with. You should be involved in sports, alumni clubs or other extracurriculars at this age which should keep you meeting people in real time. And geez you said you aren't into the bar thing - but isn't that what young people do - go out?! Do your friend's have bday parties, going away parties, house warmings coming up? Make sure to enjoy your youth - and not just in front of the computer screen. That's modern life now but you are over doing it esp. starting off so young. Get out - be active - have a full life and you will meet someone who you can see and experience. Sure use online too but not exclusively. You shouldn't have to at your age. I understand when 40+ may rely on it (but even then, it is still better to prefer real life). It also sounds like after you meet her she still lives hours away?! Please get out and live -a full life and you will meet someone who has same interests etc. and you will know early without spending months before you see her in the flesh. The other issues at hands - she stinks, sounds boring, helpless and spoiled. Find someone better.
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Again I reiterate: I do meet plenty of people in real life and I am extremely active. I hang out with friends, I work out, I go to parties, movies, concerts, school events, city events, sports events, etc. I just really dislike the bar scene. I've tried it before, and the girls just aren't my type. But I just have not had the luck when it's come to the types of girls you come across in the Ivy League. So I'm trying a route that worked well for me before. This is just another issue that has sprung up within the confines of this particular interaction.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Again I reiterate: I do meet plenty of people in real life and I am extremely active. I hang out with friends, I work out, I go to parties, movies, concerts, school events, city events, sports events, etc. I just really dislike the bar scene. I've tried it before, and the girls just aren't my type. But I just have not had the luck when it's come to the types of girls you come across in the Ivy League. So I'm trying a route that worked well for me before. This is just another issue that has sprung up within the confines of this particular interaction. At reunions you will find many of your classmates end up with each other. That says something. . .anyway you do not have to stick with your college friends - but they probably have other friends. You said you graduated - go to parties, go out, socialize in you "active life". I can't imagine how someone who is 22 would not meet someone. Online dating is a new phenomenon so I think that's pretty normal stuff at your age as far as ways to meet someone. Also people meet through people at work - branch out. You will not even meet this girl for a few months and it sounds like you have already wasted a few months on her. Nothing exists till you meet. . .make sure to not feel obligated to her in anyway before that. You keep talking about there are no problems except. . .the point is those sound like problems. Good luck but read what people have written. The msg is pretty consistent. You are rationalizing a lot.
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Again I reiterate: I do meet plenty of people in real life and I am extremely active. But I just have not had the luck when it's come to the types of girls you come across in the Ivy League. So I'm trying a route that worked well for me before. This is just another issue that has sprung up within the confines of this particular interaction.Don't get backed into a corner by members who choose not to answer the questions you're asking. Don't justify or rationalize your methodology. Accept it for what it is. Did you know there's an LDR forum? For future questions about LDRs, you might want to post them in that forum. Of the members who actually answered your questions, most are seeing more negative, than positive. Discuss your concerns with her. If she can't explain it in the way that makes logical sense, don't go any further. Don't bother meeting her.
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Personally, I am not opposed to the fact you want to meet girls online. Nothing wrong with that and it does seem you do have an active lifestyle an use it as another avenue. What I do find odd is that you have not gotten to the actual "meeting" part. If online interaction were so real then every single person that meets another online would be instantly connected and in love when meeting in person, and we all know it hardly ever happens that way. More often than not people meet in person and the dissapointment is so huge it turns them off from wasting so much time with someone before meeting. Online to reality is not a sure transition to make most the time. I am just encouraging you to take it into reality mode. You deserve that rather than so much thinking and worrying about something you really haven't a clue how it will pan out once you meet. Because you are online you will have the tendency to overthink things, to me that's a complete waste of valuable time.
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks Trial. I just don't even know how to bring the concern up nicely. Today she just bought a bag, another makeup bag, a face wash, a cream, and two lipsticks. I've gotta say something. This is really bothering me. I just don't know how. Butcher's Hook: I've experienced the transition well enough to have a good idea what works and what doesn't. Right now, everything looks good except for the red flags I've brought up. Again it's not like a black box function. I know who I'm dealing with here and we interact plenty over video chats and have a lot of fun. It's just these issues that stick out to me and worry me if I were to take this relationship further.
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 IF you are in a relationship with her, which you say you are, you bring it up. That's how most people communicate their concerns in real relationships, openly and to the point but tactfully.
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