My red-flag senses are tingling. What would you do?

[butcher's hook]

Butcher: It's not impossible though, as the place I wish to go to once I start working during the year is very close to where she lives, and this was even before I knew her.

 

 

Oh ok, there is some method to your insanity then.

 

That's not so bad then. I can see why you would pick someone there and not locally if you are planning on moving in the next while.

[Prolix]

Yes, that was the other reason as well. Finding someone new senior year would have been difficult, since most people go all over the place once they graduate.

[butcher's hook]

Pro words of friendly advice, unless you know for a fact and have definite plans you will be moving in the next little while, I would try to live the today more than the tomorrow that "might" come.

 

You could be passing up and opportunity of meeting the girl who is just right for you and she is right there were you are now.

[Jilly Bean]

Jilly you seem to continually ignore the fact that I do have and maintain plenty of real-life interactions and have dated people at school. Just because this particular instance is online doesn't mean anything. It has nothing to do with "risk-free" dating.

 

Yes, it does.

 

I still think it's concerning that you are spending SO much energy on something that doesn't even exist. You have never met her, have no plans to do so, and for all you know, she could end up being a complete fake, or married, or any number of things. Or, what happens if you meet, and you feel no attraction? Wouldn't this then have been a VERY huge waste of time and effort?

 

People that engage in fantasy relationships like this, do so because they can't handle the emotional requirements of a real-life relationship.

 

You just won't find many, if any, trained therapists that would find it healthy for a person to be carrying on like this about a fantasy.

 

I also think it's unfortunate too many have enabled your situation, which helps give it some life, in your mind, which ultimately, is the only place this thing exists.

[Prolix]

That's simply incorrect. There are plans to meet. She's not fake or married -- she's younger than I am, for crying out loud.

 

It wouldn't be a huge waste of time and effort because it's in a location I would have moved to anyway. Plenty of people date and find something down the road that doesn't work out. Was it a waste of time? No -- I feel we learn something from every relationship.

 

For you to continually insist these things are just simply incorrect. This is NO different from any other form of online dating other than the fact that the meeting stage is a bit further down the road due to location.

 

 

Butcher: I will keep that in mind.

[Girlygirl1977]

That's simply incorrect. There are plans to meet. She's not fake or married -- she's younger than I am, for crying out loud.

 

It wouldn't be a huge waste of time and effort because it's in a location I would have moved to anyway. Plenty of people date and find something down the road that doesn't work out. Was it a waste of time? No -- I feel we learn something from every relationship.

 

For you to continually insist these things are just simply incorrect.

 

You are 21 years old right? I think like butcher's and Jilly and Carhill suggest - live in the now. And Get therapy now. You graduate when? May 2010 or June 2010? You don't need to get married to the next woman you meet especially as it seems you need to learn a lot more about yourself. This gal is 18 and will need to grow as well; neither are you are at a stage/age where you should be planning your lives around each other. People need to grow into their own before they are even ready for marriage. You have a lot of personal work to do.

 

Your ideas of moving are simply ideas now - you don't have a job there yet etc. Why? Why? Why? That's all I can say now. I def don't understand all this fuss about an internet gal in some faraway place when you are 21 and she is 18. . .Why are you on here so much when you could be talking to real people? I worry about you and your social development - this not to demean you but just my honest thoughts. Get out and live with real people in real life. This will teach you more about yourself than this online stuff. You have done an online relationship before and are now using this as the prime medium and so I also agree with much of what Jillybean said. This is not ordinary for people your age - not at all. . .and I dont think it suggests that all is healthy unfortunately.

[Prolix]

I am getting really tired of defending myself against people who have trouble reading or something.

 

I have a very active social life. I have plenty of friends and I get out plenty. I work a lot too, but outside of that I spend much of my time with friends. I've had a few relationships already here in college. I've already graduated and am working this summer before moving for fulltime employment. It's hard for me to focus on the "now" because I *have* to always plan for tomorrow as well.

 

I think you guys have the impression that I'm ONLY doing everything online, and that's not true.

[Girlygirl1977]

I'm about 10 years older than you but some of the others (like Carhill) are even a lot older. Their comments come from having more life experiences than you. Carhill I think is in his 50s and I can't speak for the other people. I know when I was your age, I had no clue about relationships or really knew myself. So that's something to consider.

 

If you don't want people's opinions though, then you should not post your story on a public online forum. . .

[Prolix]

Opinions are fine. Blatantly incorrect statements and falsehoods are not. I'd say I have plenty of life experience at my age except when it comes to relationships with women, as I wind up with the wrong kind for myself frequently.

[Girlygirl1977]

Opinions are fine. Blatantly incorrect statements and falsehoods are not. I'd say I have plenty of life experience at my age except when it comes to relationships with women, as I wind up with the wrong kind for myself frequently.

 

I should have been specific - they have more relationship experiences than you.

[Prolix]

Well for someone to say "there are no plans to meet" or "you need to interact with real people more" just angers me because they're simply FALSE.

 

Is there anything so wrong with meeting someone online and then meeting them in person? It seems preferable to meeting someone locally and then immediately moving away from them. This seems like it'd be a bit better, no?

[Prolix]

Anyways I apologize GG, I am just quite frustrated right now.

[Girlygirl1977]

Well for someone to say "there are no plans to meet" or "you need to interact with real people more" just angers me because they're simply FALSE.

 

Is there anything so wrong with meeting someone online and then meeting them in person? It seems preferable to meeting someone locally and then immediately moving away from them. This seems like it'd be a bit better, no?

 

It doesn't seem like these are mutually exclusive. Try to meet people in real life. You dont need to marry people you date at your age. You are doing it to enjoy your life and also to learn more about what works for you or not. You can plan as far as this online girl - ok, but also you can date in real life now. I think that's the optimal solution for someone your age vs. dedicate a lot of time and energy exclusively with someone you haven't met and who you will not be able to see regularly for a year or whatever. The plans to move etc. are all tentative so there is no reason to suspend the current possibilities. It's just dating. . .

 

I also suggest you keep a more open mind about the people around you and those you might meet. . .

[Prolix]

That seems reasonable, certainly.

[Athena]

I'd say I have plenty of life experience at my age except when it comes to relationships with women, as I wind up with the wrong kind for myself frequently.

 

And why is this?

 

You are not choosing the 'wrong' kind of girl by accident... you are attracted to the wrong kind of girl, why? Are you setting up yourself for failure in relationships? You say you feel unlovable (not a surprising conclusion to come to since your own mother treated you as unlovable...) -- is that why you consistently choose women who are not good for you, or not your type?

 

Since your past patterns show you chose exactly the type of girl you Don't want -- and you are already suspecting this girl of the same issues, why are you sticking it out with her?

 

Another issue is you seem to me to be intellectualizing your romantic relationships way too much... relating to people is not something you can excel at by studying books/written words/ intellectualizing about it all in your head... you have to LIVE it... that's why previous posters here have told you over and over again to use ACTION to experience love relationships with women, and not words over the phone and internet.

You know your strengths are exceptional in the academic world, but your mistake is thinking you can extend your success this way for your love life. That's not how it works. You will have to change tactics here. You have to live it, experience it, touch it, and not THINK it through only and for an extended period of time.

 

BTW, for what it's worth, check out "The Secret" --> book or DVD from a library (probably a public library will have it, or Blockbuster) -- see if what they say about an attitude to Money will make any sense to you -- seems like you are struggling with an attitude of Not Enough Money... and maybe another perspective on that will help, so read it or watch it.

 

In my opinion, you have done extremely well in your life so far, and you have admirably handled life with regards to getting ahead and making a success of your lot in life. Your strong academic ability and work ethics will help you to overcome your difficulties in life due to lack of support from family.

But, you have a lot more to experience about relating to people and in love, particularly. That's one area you cannot be book-smart about it -- you have to live it. So, do as much as you can to experience love and life, and quit hanging on for Internet Girl. The only way you are going to get an 'A' grade in love and women is to jump in and do it, not watch people swimming and you sitting on the concrete reading HOW TO SWIM books.

[Athena]

Perhaps you are setting yourself up with a Difficult love situation/girl, so you can set to Overcoming Hardships the way you Always Have To in your life?

 

Seems like that is the only thing you know how to do -- face incredible odds, and overcome them to incredible success...

 

Why?

Why set it up this way in Love?

[Prolix]

Athena: Sorry for the lost post here.

 

It's not so much that I am attracted to the wrong girl, I think, but rather I don't immediately reject girls once I find that something is "perhaps subpar" with them. I'll have fun with someone and then only later find out that there's a red flag somewhere, but I usually try to see if it's fixable rather than simply give up on the relationship altogether. I really dislike giving up on something, and I figure that is perhaps a flaw when the incompatibilities are unworkable. But then I can't quite determine which incompatibilities are unworkable and which ones can be remedied, and, furthermore, which incompatibilities really aren't a huge deal in the first place. We ALL have problems. No couple is perfect. When is one incompatibility so much worse than another? How do I know if people are just giving up too easily or if their problems are insurmountable?

 

I'm sticking it out with this particular girl for now because I have yet to find a HUGE reason not to. I enjoy talking to her, she enjoys talking to me, we have similar interests, she says very sweet/kind things to me, and we are on the same page with things for the upcoming year. She may not be on the same playing field intellectually, but I find that when I try to talk about a given subject with her, she has just as valid an opinion as any other human being, even if the communication itself is not as articulated or elegant. She is also very pretty and we are likely to be compatible sexually (of course, obviously, we'd have to do it first) as we have the same interests there, too.

 

The only red flags I see right now are those of immaturity and the need to rely on others, but as per my recent conversation with her, we agree on the work portion of things and I didn't even have to mention my own opinion first. When I had brought up the subject she mentioned that she didn't want to be a "stay at home" kinda person during college. She would want to help contribute. Of course I would have to be going on her word right now, but it's certainly better than her saying the contrary.

 

And yes I do tend to overanalyze and internalize my thoughts about relationships, but I do that even when I'm in a real-life one, and I wouldn't say I try to apply academic skills to the relationship arena (they're simply not compatible). Everyone is different and my own background is so different that it can be hard to make out the important trends amidst the noise from sheer actions alone. If I go by actions alone, I find that I wind up with girls who tend to take advantage of me. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. Honestly, I don't know why. I would have hoped more people would have been a bit less selfish in relationships.

 

I'll check out that DVD sometime, thanks for the rec.

 

And yes I agree that I have a lot more to experience, but the problem is that I have just as much relationship experience as anyone else my age (I've had a total of what, 4 girlfriends in my life, which I would assume is somewhat normal for my age), and yet I find my experiences to be continually strange. It feels like I can go out with someone healthy and happy with a lot going for them, and somewhere down the line they unleash these brutal secrets and personality traits. Things that I could have not seen from the getgo, even with red flags.

 

I appreciate your reply Athena -- I guess my problem is that I do swim, but I'm just poor at keeping afloat.

[2sunny]

I think I am simply incompatible with most people and not lovable.

 

 

soooo, this isn't really about the girl - it's about you.

 

YOU need to work on this attitude about yourself before you will ever be ready to have a happy committed relationship. your perception of yourself is way off base by healthy standards.

 

are you willing to do the hard work that it will take to get rid of the "poor me" attitude coupled with the "everyone is out to take advantage of me" perspective?

 

if you stay in this place - the only women you are likely to attract are unhealthy, broken women.

[Jilly Bean]

That's simply incorrect. There are plans to meet. She's not fake or married -- she's younger than I am, for crying out loud.

 

It wouldn't be a huge waste of time and effort because it's in a location I would have moved to anyway. Plenty of people date and find something down the road that doesn't work out. Was it a waste of time? No -- I feel we learn something from every relationship.

 

For you to continually insist these things are just simply incorrect. This is NO different from any other form of online dating other than the fact that the meeting stage is a bit further down the road due to location.

 

 

Butcher: I will keep that in mind.

 

Really? When is the date you are meeting her?

 

And you know she's not a fake, how? That's right, you DON'T. You've never MET her. All you know about her is what she has told you, and you have no clue how real or honest any of that is. You simply DON'T.

 

It is different from healthy online dating, as most people MEET online, and then quickly MEET IN REAL LIFE. They don't carry on as if they are IN a relationship with someone they never met.

 

I give up. You'll never see how damaging all this is.

 

Good luck with your fantasy relationship. Come back and tell us if you meet her, and how far short of your dream she falls, and how you feel you wasted months and months fantasizing about someone who was not who you imagined them to be in real life...

 

Tsk. This is just all so sad and tragic. I don't often encounter someone this far off the mark.

[Prolix]

I don't encounter someone often who clearly can't read. Your replies are honestly extremely irritating. How many times do I need to repeat myself?

 

It's not like we only communicate through text. We talk on the phone. We use webcams. We get along great. We're meeting in two months or so. She's not "fake." It's not like I'll meet her in person and she'll be completely different. I know her mannerisms, what she looks like, how she acts, how we communicate, etc. The ONLY difference is that it's just not in person yet, but it will be once this summer is up. It's not like I'm talking to a black box function that will actually be a 45 year old guy playing WOW, as you implied.

 

Please enlighten me how this is any different from any other form of online dating.

[2sunny]

I don't encounter someone often who clearly can't read. Your replies are honestly extremely irritating. How many times do I need to repeat myself?

 

It's not like we only communicate through text. We talk on the phone. We use webcams. We get along great. We're meeting in two months or so.

 

Please enlighten me how this is any different from any other form of online dating.

 

 

i don't think it's that she can't read - i think it's that you aren't listening to the words she is corresponding with. also, most people in a forum of online dating prefer to meet in person within the first 2-3 conversations... at times it has moved to phone conversation after the first round of emails have transpired and both have expressed an interest in one another.

 

Jilly has stated that since you haven't yet met in real life - that technically the "relationship" has yet to begin on a realistic level.

 

the playing field of online dating leaves a LOT of the reality out of the equation.

 

when two or more people interact in PERSON it changes the dynamics of the situation. i don't think you are giving the reality of this enough merit.

 

many things come into play when in front of another individual that you can't interpret through web cam and phone conversations. first thing that comes to mind is body language and her ability to express to you the "unspoken" priorities she reflects.

 

even little things will reveal a great deal to you - such as her interactions with a waiter if she is ordering food or greeting a friend of yours.

 

these may seem insignificant now - but in the big picture of life - all of those things will tell you a multitude of traits about her back round and character traits that she couldn't possibly portray over any form of communication except to be standing in front of you.

 

if you are so willing to pass up a summertime of other gals to date just to wait on her - that is your own priority... but it seems a shame to be in idle for any length of time if a person is capable of moving forward on a greater level.

 

tell me why SHE can't come to visit you right away - have you even straight up invited her?

[Phateless]

RUN! This girl reminds me of my ex. Just get out now, this girl is an idiot.

[2sunny]

RUN! This girl reminds me of my ex. Just get out now, this girl is an idiot.

 

ahahahaha!!!!

 

such a perfect and simple reply - too bad he'll probably just respond by defending his position... time to give up if he does.

[Phateless]

ahahahaha!!!!

 

such a perfect and simple reply - too bad he'll probably just respond by defending his position... time to give up if he does.

 

If so then he deserves whatever happens to him because at that point he is doing it to himself.

[Jilly Bean]

If so then he deserves whatever happens to him because at that point he is doing it to himself.

 

Yes, but I think that Prolix prefers the weather in his fantasy bubble than he does in real life.

 

Sunny - thank you for reiterating what I've been saying since page one.