Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I am really sorry to hear that, I am starting to understand where you come from. Why does your mother not want anything to do with you, if you don't mind saying? Take the "you are not so special" comments with a grain of salt, take it from where it is coming from. People who can so freely put out comments like that to strangers must feel much of the same about themselves. You are just helping them see their own faults. FYI - I didn't say you are not so special. I was responding to the attitude that he is better than everyone else. We are learning more. Please don't paint with a broad brush.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 This is an internet forum. How are you so sure you know everything? You are not being fair to call me dishonest. I don't want to give full details because this is a public forum and it is not my place to post the details of his life. Anyway - his parents had a bad divorce and his dad was out of his life at a young age. His mother could not provide financial support. He is self-made. I need not go into further details or prove myself to you. I am not dishonest simply because you cannot believe me. You may be confusing majors with concentrations (given the school he attends). Working full time while in school full time is indeed hard and your boyfriend does deserve praise for that. I'm saying that I severely doubt he went for four majors, and I severely doubt he was able to pay the full price tag without a co-signed loan. We're talking $50K+ a year, here. If his mother was unable to support then it is likely he had aid.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I don't deny that I'm arrogant. I don't intend to be. What I don't like is for statements that imply that my situation is somehow "normal" or "not that rare" or "not that hard" because those statements are just so horribly incorrect and hurtful. I'm not trying to play a pity game here -- the fact of the matter is that **** was hard growing up. It's not a background that many people can relate to. Usually successful relationships are between those from similar backgrounds. I feel like there are too many components to my personality and upbringing that make me incompatible. Which is why I am not certain why you feel this current girl is such a bad choice. She and I were on the same page with the school/work thing earlier, and she is a nice person. She may not be as intelligent, but how important is it, really? The first girlfriend I had was very intelligent but it fell apart because she was dishonest and self-serving (cheated). I dont know about this particular girl but at initial glance, she doesn't seem to ID with a life of hardship. Again - you may very well get along with someone who has not known such hardship (esp. as you are saying it was particularly extreme in your case). She doesn't seem to be on the same page as far as education and work so far btw . . . Intelligence need to be superior but you will want someone to understand you and you will probably want to respect them. I don't know what that minimum is for you - and I dont know who meets that. It is for you to determine. Given what you have described, I think someone who is simply NOT DUMB is probably a bit low. This is not a direct response to the woman we have discussed here though. I still think you are reaching into cyberspace vs. real life to a reason related to the things you are now discussing about your life.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 You may be confusing majors with concentrations (given the school he attends). Working full time while in school full time is indeed hard and your boyfriend does deserve praise for that. I'm saying that I severely doubt he went for four majors, and I severely doubt he was able to pay the full price tag without a co-signed loan. We're talking $50K+ a year, here. If his mother was unable to support then it is likely he had aid. I will not continue to discuss this. This nitpicky trait tells me that a woman who is simply NOT DUMB will not work for you in the long run btw. . .I went to the H school and he went to a different school which has a ugrad business school.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Score +1 And yes, I know H's and W's curriculums well.
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 FYI - I didn't say you are not so special. I was responding to the attitude that he is better than everyone else. We are learning more. Please don't paint with a broad brush. This is what you said and there was absolutely no need for it. You have serious issues - you think you are the only one who has done what you have. If you are so rare, then you will find no one. Does that make you feel better. You are very difficult and this may actually be your fundamental issue. You are beyond arrogant and you are talking to someone who went to a school which starts with H and knows many arrogant people. You are not well-adjusted. I know many exceptional people and they have other traits you don't have. You are not the most exceptional person in the world (sorry to break it to you). Anyway, you need therapy. You have many chips on your shoulder which will make it difficult for you to be successful in a relationship. You have tired me out. You have so many pages on this thread and this speaks volumes about your condition. I'm off for real now! Nothing he said granted such a hateful response back. Not in my eyes at least. So he has issue, who doesnt?
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I dont know about this particular girl but at initial glance, she doesn't seem to ID with a life of hardship. Again - you may very well get along with someone who has not known such hardship (esp. as you are saying it was particularly extreme in your case). She doesn't seem to be on the same page as far as education and work so far btw . . . Intelligence need to be superior but you will want someone to understand you and you will probably want to respect them. I don't know what that minimum is for you - and I dont know who meets that. It is for you to determine. Given what you have described, I think someone who is simply NOT DUMB is probably a bit low. This is not a direct response to the woman we have discussed here though. I still think you are reaching into cyberspace vs. real life to a reason related to the things you are now discussing about your life. But I mean what kind of girl could possibly relate to that? I feel like it would be so rare that I should just not even care about that. She said she was okay with working while in school... is this something I should ignore somehow? Isn't that a good thing? You're basically telling me to go after someone smart who identifies well with hard work/hardship, but I don't know if that's doable/findable/optimal. Shouldn't I be looking for someone who simply loves me for me and is willing to work through potential problems?
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 As I said I don't want to discuss my personal details. I have never said things are exactly the same as yours. Anyway you had a life of hardship and some people have varying degrees of hardship. whatever. next. I suggest you make a focused attempt to live in the real world. Your 3 days on this thread and it's volume of posts worries me in regard to this. Get a real person to talk to about these issues. Find a woman you can touch and feel. .. .experience life outside of cyberspace please. You are young and have so many opportunities to meet wonderful people. Try to keep an open mind about people. You seem to put your classmates in a box (you did same with me too; i saw it). Good luck.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 But I mean what kind of girl could possibly relate to that? I feel like it would be so rare that I should just not even care about that. She said she was okay with working while in school... is this something I should ignore somehow? Isn't that a good thing? You're basically telling me to go after someone smart who identifies well with hard work/hardship, but I don't know if that's doable/findable/optimal. Shouldn't I be looking for someone who simply loves me for me and is willing to work through potential problems? I don't know who you should go for. Sorry. I do think you are probably not quite ready to find that person now. You have said you do not like yourself and that is where you should start first.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Of course I put you in the box -- you exhibited the same traits I described earlier. And as I've already said, I've already dated people who I could see/touch/whatever. It's not like I've ONLY done the online thing.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 This is what you said and there was absolutely no need for it. Nothing he said granted such a hateful response back. Not in my eyes at least. So he has issue, who doesnt? I have updated my thoughts and am sorry for my stronger language. Let's move on please.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Of course I put you in the box -- you exhibited the same traits I described earlier. And as I've already said, I've already dated people who I could see/touch/whatever. It's not like I've ONLY done the online thing. You only see a few dimensions. . .I would not have apologized and self-corrected if I am dishonest and mean etc. You do not know me. . .again the problem with cyberspace relations. . .
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Shouldn't I be looking for someone who simply loves me for me and is willing to work through potential problems? That is exactly who you should look for. People place all this unnecessary weight on finding love with someone who has over-qualifications and credentials when it comes to the intellect and that is just as superficial as only dating perfect 10 flawless people, in terms of appearance. Everyone is intelligent in their own way, not everyone has the strong qualities to be a good mate and a loving partner. Your priorities are just fine Prolix. You should also be willing to love them for them as well.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 GG: But look, I mean it's another case where I have to basically push someone into a corner before I get the truth out of someone. I could go much further and prove why you were incorrect about your earlier assertments, but at this point it's simply not worth debating without disrupting personal details. All I can say is that it's that kind of mentality I find here at school a lot, and I don't click well with it. Let's assume the current girl was more intelligent. Would it be worth it then? It's not like I only talk to this girl via text. I talk to her with video/phone/etc so we do have that connection. The only thing missing is touch, basically.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Everyone is intelligent in their own way' date=' not everyone has the strong qualities to be a good mate and a loving partner.[/quote'] This is how I feel too. I can speak from experience that intellect alone isn't enough. It's really hard to find someone who genuinely cares for you and your wellbeing, and I feel like I may have a chance here at that. It's that the red flags were stopping me a bit, but now there have been new signs that fight against it. As a result I am a bit conflicted on the notion and don't quite know which indicators are more real. I do agree that actions speak louder than words, but at the same time I have to wonder if this is potentially a good match or if I am deluding myself again.
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 The only thing missing is not just touch, it is the day to day gestures that you can share with a person when you love them and you know you are in their life in every way. Being behind a computer screen is extremely limiting and you never fully get to know what a person is about, for obvious reasons. Why haven't you met this girl in person again?
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 GG: But look, I mean it's another case where I have to basically push someone into a corner before I get the truth out of someone. I could go much further and prove why you were incorrect about your earlier assertments, but at this point it's simply not worth debating without disrupting personal details. All I can say is that it's that kind of mentality I find here at school a lot, and I don't click well with it. Let's assume the current girl was more intelligent. Would it be worth it then? It's not like I only talk to this girl via text. I talk to her with video/phone/etc so we do have that connection. The only thing missing is touch, basically. I think you should drop your comparison of your story with my bf's because I never said they were exactly alike. There is nothing to prove. Ok if it makes you feel better - your life was harder. Why are you so obsessed with disproving this and that. Ok your life was harder - perhaps that will end it now. I think that's what you want to hear. These things are all relative in reality. He actually has a saying - "It's a problem if you know you have a problem" which is your case now. You will want to resolve your situation as far as your views on yourself and understand how you can be better - since you know it. I saw a typo when I wrote about intellect and I couldn't go back to edit it. I do not think you need someone of superior intellect but probably there is some base minimum which works for you and you dont need to optimize around intellect. I agree that the ability to love/care/relate outweigh that. I do think though again with your nitpicky nature, your minimum level is probably a bit higher than average. I will not comment on dating someone who doesn't live near you and who you have never met. This is something I am not qualified to speak on. I don't think it is preferable to the opposite in determining if you are compatible though.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 The timing is not good yet. I don't have the money yet to fly out to meet her (I have way too many expenses right now), and neither does she. The timing will be better once we're both in transitionary stages where we are more free to move, which should be shortly.
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I do agree that actions speak louder than words, but at the same time I have to wonder if this is potentially a good match or if I am deluding myself again. No one here can answer that for you Pro. That is what you don't seem to get. Just like SHE can't even answer that for you honestly online since people tend to say one thing sometimes and act in another way when faced with routine. What we perceive ourselves to be and how we actually are is rarely a perfect match when you compare it to actions. Words are useless withouth solid actions to back them up.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I think you should drop your comparison of your story with my bf's because I never said they were exactly alike. There is nothing to prove. Ok if it makes you feel better - your life was harder. Why are you so obsessed with disproving this and that. Ok your life was harder - perhaps that will end it now. I think that's what you want to hear. These things are all relative in reality. He actually has a saying - "It's a problem if you know you have a problem" which is your case now. You will want to resolve your situation as far as your views on yourself and understand how you can be better - since you know it. I saw a typo when I wrote about intellect and I couldn't go back to edit it. I do not think you need someone of superior intellect but probably there is some base minimum which works for you and you dont need to optimize around intellect. I agree that the ability to love/care/relate outweigh that. I do think though again with your nitpicky nature, your minimum level is probably a bit higher than average. I will not comment on dating someone who doesn't live near you and who you have never met. This is something I am not qualified to speak on. I don't think it is preferable to the opposite in determining if you are compatible though. No, my concern is about the honesty involved, as I've hammered at this whole thread. I just dislike it when someone makes a claim and tries to stand behind it even though it's simply untrue. If you are misinformed, that's another thing. Am I really so nitpicky? All I want is someone who is honest and won't use me, knows how to have fun, knows how to work through problems, and loves me for who I am.
Jilly Bean Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 All I can say is that with the last 3,000 pages of commentary on the OP's mental health problems, it supports my original contention, which is that people that engage in fantasy relationships are not the soundest emotional folks out there. I think people engage in the online fantasy thing because it's easier to handle than real life, and perhaps these fantasy imaginary "relationships" satisfy some type of need to feel connected, yet ultimately, the dynamic requires absolutely no work, or more importantly, no real emotional entanglement. It's like "risk-free" dating. You can say you are involved with someone (er, not really), yet never have to risk actually being vulnerable, or hurt. As it is, the OP came here trying to control a situation that doesn't even exist. I definitely support Carhill's suggestion that the OP seek some professional health.
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 The timing is not good yet. I don't have the money yet to fly out to meet her (I have way too many expenses right now), and neither does she. The timing will be better once we're both in transitionary stages where we are more free to move, which should be shortly. Oh my goodness Pro you would have to fly out to meet her? Why are you choosing someone so incredibly impossible to meet? How would this relationship pan out after that initial meeting? Look when choosing a mate, I don't believe you have too much of a say in terms of who you fall in love with, but you do have a say in who you pick to be the object of your initial attention especially online. You are going to have to learn to strategize a little better when it comes to picking women online. Do not go for these impossible situations that are just going to leave you handicapped and with your hands completely tied. Think Radiohead song......
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Jilly you seem to continually ignore the fact that I do have and maintain plenty of real-life interactions and have dated people at school. Just because this particular instance is online doesn't mean anything. It has nothing to do with "risk-free" dating.
boogieboy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Nows your chance to take charge and put her in line. You play it right and you can rid her of some of this brattyness. Or maybe she just complains alot.
Author Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Butcher: It's not impossible though, as the place I wish to go to once I start working during the year is very close to where she lives, and this was even before I knew her.
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