newbie1391 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 My boyfriend and I have never been involved with anyone else before eachother. I was really excited when he asked me to prom and always wanted to be with him. It's been over a month now and I'm bored of him but he swears he loves me and even tears up when he says it sometimes. He loves making out, but I don't feel anything. He says I've inspired him to go to college next fall and turn his life around and start therapy. His life really sucks (abuse, druggie parents, drug abuse himselft) and he says I help him forget about it. I think the reason I was so interested in him in the first place was because I had never had a guy ask me out before because I'm fairly geeky and not horrible social with people my own age. That's another problem, I graduated with over a 4.0 GPA and he struggled to keep his above 2.0, which doesn't bother me but I have to watch what kind of words I use as not to lose him in conversation. I think I fell more in love with the idea of a boyfriend than the actual guy. I've told him I loved him too out of fear of crushing what self esteem he has because he is always insisting that he is not good enough. Now I'm afraid telling him I'm not all that romantically or physically interested in him will be too much on top of all the other drama he has to deal with. How do I break-up with him but still let him know I think he is a good guy?
BCCA Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Youre now in whats known as a 'no-win' situation. There is nothing you can say or do thats going to make breaking up with him any less painful or tear him up inside any less. Next time, dont ever tell a person you love them unless you do. While I can see why you did, your desire to spare his feelings then is now only going to magnify how badly he'll feel now. You have to do whats right for you, though. And if hes not the one, than thats that. But dont expect him to understand, want to be your friend, or be in your life at all anymore. Its not fair.
BCCA Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 but still let him know I think he is a good guy? Also, dont tell him you still think he is a good guy. As a man, we find that annoying, and it makes no sense. If you really thought he was a good guy, you would want to be with him. Dont be so over eager to spare his feelings at the cost of confusing him or your relationship any more. You think he's an ok guy, but you want someone else. He's not going to want to hear how even though youre dumping him, he's a 'good guy'...seriously, whats he supposed to do with that? Just my $0.02
hopesndreams Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Straight out tell him and when the ghastly deed is done, do not contact him in any way, shape or form, and you with your 4.0 should already know the reasons why.
Author newbie1391 Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks for the insight, it's good to get feedback from a guy.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Tell him straight up, you're a lesbian. You denied it to yourself for far too long, and after meeting such a truly great guy, you see all along you aren't meant for men. Tell him you're dead serious, and even told your parents you're gay. Wrap your 4.0 around that psychological logic
Cinnamon777 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You "always wanted to be with him" and after one month you are bored?!?!? You have much to learn about relationships... This guy sounds like he has been through a lot and if you don't love him then you shouldn't string him along. However, he seems a little fragile so it's important to not to just crush him. Don't play games with him. Make sure when you tell him, you don't do it at school or in a place where he is going to feel humiliated. If it were me, I would tell him that you have realized that you love him more as a friend than as a boyfriend. Tell him that you were so thrilled when he asked you out and that you got caught up in the whirlwind of emotions but now that things have settled down that the feelings you have are not really the romantic kind. Tell him that you are proud of the changes that he wants to make in his life. Tell him that while you understand he is going to need some time to heal and will respect giving him space, that you hope you can be friends with him and that you will support him toward not going back to drugs and toward making a better life for himself - IF this is how you feel. If he confronts you about telling him that you love him - tell him that you do care so much and that it felt natural to tell him that you love him back. You can tell him you do love him as a friend. You don't want him to feel unlovable, which is how he probably feels since his family is so dysfunctional. There is little you can do to truly ease the pain he is likely to feel from this break-up. Try to speak to him with an open heart, speak quietly and gently. Allow him to be angry with you. Listen to him without interrupting him. Simply accept his reaction. He may beg you to change your mind, but it's important not to be wishy-washy and give him false hopes. If you are going to end things - end it. You might want to see what other people have to say - especially some more guys. Good luck... and be careful of your intentions when entering a relationship in the future.
boogieboy Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 End it with the truth, and you better not try to relieve your guilt by leading him on by telling him lies in any way! Keep away from him after you dump him. You will have to live with the guilt no matter how depressed he gets. Its going to happen many times in your life, learn to deal with the guilt. Dont tell him lies!
Author newbie1391 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 You're right, I do have a lot to learn. "Tell him that you were so thrilled when he asked you out and that you got caught up in the whirlwind of emotions but now that things have settled down that the feelings you have are not really the romantic kind. Tell him that you are proud of the changes that he wants to make in his life. Tell him that while you understand he is going to need some time to heal and will respect giving him space, that you hope you can be friends with him and that you will support him toward not going back to drugs and toward making a better life for himself." That passage pretty much nailed how I feel. Thanks for the feedback.
boogieboy Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You're right, I do have a lot to learn. "Tell him that you were so thrilled when he asked you out and that you got caught up in the whirlwind of emotions but now that things have settled down that the feelings you have are not really the romantic kind. Tell him that you are proud of the changes that he wants to make in his life. Tell him that while you understand he is going to need some time to heal and will respect giving him space, that you hope you can be friends with him and that you will support him toward not going back to drugs and toward making a better life for himself." That passage pretty much nailed how I feel. Thanks for the feedback. I disagree with part of this. If he really loves you, he cant be friends with you after you smash his heart. So do not offer friendship. It will prolong his suffering. Give him total NC, otherwise he will keep trying and hoping to get back with you.
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