here we go Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I have been involved with a MM for 6 mths. We have known each other for 2 years previous to our relationship. He has been married for 12 years. In speaking to many people that know him and his W, and in speaking with him, he and his W have not been happy in their marriage for the last 10 years but have stayed together for their kids. It started by getting dinner and then we began our relationship. He talks to me every day and has for the last 6 months. Wake up calls/texts, all throughout the day, and to say good night. We would see each other almost daily as well. He told me that he was ready to tell his W that he wanted a divorce and when he does, we should not talk until it is final so I'm not dragged into the divorce. I understood his feelings and in reading other posts here, I see this is what I should do, give him the space he needs and if his feelings are true, he will come back. A week ago, he texted me not to call or text him anymore until he gives me the okay. I haven't contacted him since. It's very hard because I'm used to talking to him everyday and seeing him everyday, but I know he needs the space right now. I have talked to many people who know him and his W since he stopped talking to me. They haven't said anything about a divorce, but have not seen him when they used to see him out all the time. (Not out in bars etc, but to the store and to their houses). When they try to call his cell phone or house, she answers and demands who is calling and what for. This never was an issue. He always answered. Did she find out about the affair? Do you think he is trying to get the divorce? Or am I just being hopeful? I wish he would call me to tell me what is going on so I have some idea. Do I just keep laying low and wait it out? I know the chances of a MM actually leaving are very slim and him coming back to me are even smaller. Any advice would be helpful and I thank you all in advance!
bentnotbroken Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Isn't it funny how outsiders always know the dynamics of a marriage and the AP listens to them, even though they are on the outside looking in? Why not go right to the source and find out how the marriage is? It would save everyone involved a lot of stress and heartache. You are out of this mess now, stay out.
Owl Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 It sounds to me like he told her about the affair, was going to insist on a divorce, and then likely ended up agreeing to work on the marriage...and she insisted that he end all contact with you as a part of that deal. Pretty standard response, as these things go. Either he's biding his time and intends to contact you to resume the affair, or he's actually going to work on his marriage and is establishing NC with you. There's not really anyway you can tell from where you're at until he or she contacts you. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but it's the two most likely possibilities.
jwi71 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Bent nailed it. It this M was basically dead and they were only staying for the kids it shouldn't be a problem to call and ask now should it? I think Owl was a bit off...he never told nor had any intention to. He got busted and is desperately trying to save his M. I base this on he asked you to not speak of the D...you think its to keep you out of it but in reality its to keep you from asking pesky questions. My advice...since the M has been dead for years...go on and knock on his front door and ask to see him. Or call his home number. But you won't. And you know why you won't. The M was never in danger until now. You are now and will never be more than the OW. So...if this is the life you wish to lead...then do nothing. He will come back round again. But, if you want more...walk from this.
norajane Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 He told me that he was ready to tell his W that he wanted a divorce and when he does, we should not talk until it is final so I'm not dragged into the divorce. A week ago, he texted me not to call or text him anymore until he gives me the okay.At first, it might seem to you that he must have told her he wants a divorce; thus the request for no contact. However, if he really had talked to his wife about getting a divorce, it makes no sense to me that he would not have told you first that he was about to do so, and when he was planning on doing so. And I don't see why he wouldn't contact you to tell you he had told his wife about the divorce and let you know that he'd like to back off until the divorce was underway or final. Then you would have known what was going on, and not have to be wondering like this. "Here we go, I am ready to tell my wife I want a divorce, and plan to do so on Friday. I'll call you on Monday to let you know what we decided." But this sudden "don't contact me!" leads me to believe his wife caught wind of the affair or is suspicious, and he's trying to lay low so she doesn't catch him in the act. If I were you, I'd call him at work and find out what's what.
jj33 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Sorry to say but to cut to the chase you have been thrown under the proverbial bus... She knows, she is unhappy and he wants to make her happy so that he DOESNT wind up divorced. But of course he is not telling you that. The fact that he would tell you to call when the coast is clear means, I need to let my W calm down, make her believe everything is OK, then I can go on seeing you. There is some small remote chance that she found out or he told her and she freaked out and he doesnt to aggravate things while she gets used to the idea, but that doesnt sound right.
2sunny Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 i agree with the others... he got caught and has to lay low to make her happy for now... he'll resurface when she stops paying so much attention to his every move... or when he finds a different way to contact you that she isn't aware of. oh - and - he'll also make it appear that he still intends to get divorced... meanwhile he's with her begging for forgiveness and that is the reason he is MIA. he'll have all sorts of lies when he resurfaces... demand to see the filed divorce papers before you listen to any of the lies.
Author here we go Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thank you all for your advice. I figured that was probably what was going on. She found out and he is trying to lay low and make it work until he can get away again. I'm starting to realize (as much as I don't want to) that is what is going on and it isn't going to work between us. I know I need to leave him behind and move on with my life before it gets any worse and harder to do so. I guess I just needed some help and encouragement from you all. Again, thank you all for the advice!
hopesndreams Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I have been involved with a MM for 6 mths. We have known each other for 2 years previous to our relationship. He has been married for 12 years. In speaking to many people that know him and his W, and in speaking with him, he and his W have not been happy in their marriage for the last 10 years but have stayed together for their kids. ding, ding, ding...where have I heard that before? It started by getting dinner and then we began our relationship. He talks to me every day and has for the last 6 months. Wake up calls/texts, all throughout the day, and to say good night. We would see each other almost daily as well. He told me that he was ready to tell his W that he wanted a divorce and when he does, we should not talk until it is final so I'm not dragged into the divorce. I understood his feelings and in reading other posts here, I see this is what I should do, give him the space he needs and if his feelings are true, he will come back. More like give him chance to be the cake eater that he is. A week ago, he texted me not to call or text him anymore until he gives me the okay. I haven't contacted him since. It's very hard because I'm used to talking to him everyday and seeing him everyday, but I know he needs the space right now. His wife is p*ssed because of all the texts he has been getting and giving to you, even though she may not know yet who is involved in the giving and receiving. I have talked to many people who know him and his W since he stopped talking to me. They haven't said anything about a divorce, but have not seen him when they used to see him out all the time. (Not out in bars etc, but to the store and to their houses). When they try to call his cell phone or house, she answers and demands who is calling and what for. This never was an issue. He always answered. Did she find out about the affair? Do you think he is trying to get the divorce? Or am I just being hopeful? I wish he would call me to tell me what is going on so I have some idea. Do I just keep laying low and wait it out? I know the chances of a MM actually leaving are very slim and him coming back to me are even smaller. Any advice would be helpful and I thank you all in advance! Hopeful that you played a huge part in the destruction of his marriage huh? You've only known him for a short time, so back off, let him work things out with his wife and if you are his one and only, he will be with you. Want advice on how he can leave his wife and be with you full-time? There is no such thing, if there were it would be bottled and sold.
sugarmomma Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 He is playin you like a fiddle. Do not sit around and wait for him to tell you what's going on. Take control of your own life and kick hus sorry azz to the curb! Oh I forgot, he laready kind of sort of did this in his own sneaky way. He is a cheater, liar and a loser!! Cut your losses now.
MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I agree with norajane. Whatever is really going on doesn't seem to match with what he's telling you. It could also be that he simply took the wuss way out - he wanted to piece the marriage back together but didn't have the heart to tell you so he acts like the NC is for your own good right now. Presumably, you'd eventually figure it out and move on, which prevents him from being the "bad guy". Whether it's that or he got busted, your waiting/reserving yourself for him does no one any good. If, by some miracle he was telling the truth and your R is that strong, a little time apart won't hurt anything, so you lose nothing by letting him go and moving on as if you'll never hear from him. He certainly knew he'd be taking the risk that you'd be involved with someone else by the time he cleaned things up and was willing to take it anyway. You don't owe him to wait around.
Ariadne Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Any advice would be helpful and I thank you all in advance! It sounds like he had his fun with you and now wants to get rid of you. The wife probably started giving him a hard time, is being controlling of everything he does, and he seems to have chosen the wife. But don't be discouraged.. You have a lot of power if he already cheated with you. You can always entice him. Him telling you to stay away is a way of helping himself not get tempted as well.
ednadean Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Sorry to say but to cut to the chase you have been thrown under the proverbial bus... She knows, she is unhappy and he wants to make her happy so that he DOESNT wind up divorced. But of course he is not telling you that. The fact that he would tell you to call when the coast is clear means, I need to let my W calm down, make her believe everything is OK, then I can go on seeing you. There is some small remote chance that she found out or he told her and she freaked out and he doesnt to aggravate things while she gets used to the idea, but that doesnt sound right. jj totally nailed it. This NC is not the sign of a man who is getting a divorce and is wanting to start a relationship with you. This is typical of somone who either a) got caught and is freaked out b) realised he wants to stay in the M after all and is trying his best to refocus but it is NOT the behaviour of someone who wants to really move on from the marriage. LEt him go -- he has...and maybe when things calm down he'll call you again spouting you lies...but if you really want a R out of this..stay away now while he's forsaken you. hugs!
fooled once Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 She found out and he is trying to lay low and make it work until he can get away again. This is wishful thinking on your part. He got busted. He is in deep poop with his wife. You were nothing more than a little sex on the side. WHY in the world did you think you would be more? WHY in the world did you start up with a married man to begin with? Leave him be.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I know the chances of a MM actually leaving are very slim and him coming back to me are even smaller. So then why bother? Seriously..Think about it, you're 6 months in this affair. You think he is going to throw away everything that he knows and is comfortable with for the unknown? His familly, friends, inlaws, neighbours, the house, extended family etc? All because he has feelings for you? feelings that are based on IN an affair setting, not reality, not real life stuff. Affairs are selfish and only involve two people - Not the rest of the world. Go on about your own life, don't 'wait' for him. If he does divorce, then you can casually date him and get to know him in a different and healthier setting. Anything less than that is affair dynamtic.
2sure Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Maybe , just maybe ...this MM is making a decision, and doing the right thing the right way. He had an affair, bad. But rather than continue to betray both women and live his life in conflict he makes a decision to get a divorce! And not only that but he wants to separate you and his relationship with you from the part of his life he needs to change with his family. Its RARE for a WS to "tell." Even if they stop the A, and feel guilty - they don't often confess. Sure, he probably didnt want his wife to find out there was someone else. Thats not fair but ....she knows. When he asked for a divorce, she suspected immediately. You know this because you have called and she answers OR have had friends call for you. Might as well be honest - you are anonymous here. Now that things are on the table, pretty much, in their marriage - it can go either way. Crisis sometimes improves a marriage. Or they will divorce. Here is a something from your post, I'm sorry, but I have real issue with: "...In speaking to many people that know him and his W, and in speaking with him, he and his W have not been happy in their marriage for the last 10 years but have stayed together for their kids." You had an affair with a MM. OK. Whatever. Just stop, for your own sake with the justifications. He didnt stay for his kids. If he was staying for the kids meeting you would not have changed how he felt about the kids. Sure, some people "stay for the kids" but that means: Cant pay child support, cant afford two households. Its finances. It is amazing how many WS are "staying for the kids" until they meet someone who can offer them room and board or shared expenses in a home. Get that crap right out of your head. It wont help you think clearly during this.
boldjack Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 2sure, is it always about money with you? OP, Whatever his failings as an affair or marriage partner, perhaps he is a genuinely good father and doesn't want his kids to grow up in a broken home. Yes, he should at least let you know what is happening, re: the divorce, but maybe he has placed his children's welfare above his, yours, or the W's. I think that you should have NC with him, until he contacts you, and tells you that the divorce is on , or it isn't. Continue your life without him. Any attempt at influencing him, on your part, will almost surely, rebound against you. I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but I hope you can get past him and look to a better future. Good Luck
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