stoneymirror Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Been dating this girl for roughly 6 months. Everything was great up till the last 2-3 months when we started arguing about the little things. This is a great girl, and I do love her, she is honest and always tries to do the right thing. She’s taught me a lot about myself and has helped me try to be a better person. But the issue is our fighting. We fight when one of us feels insecure or uneasy about something, and instead of being able to talk about it, one or both of us gets really defensive and we end up arguing. It gets so bad one of us always ends up leaving and it’s not until a few hours later when we’re back on the phone trying to work things out. I can honestly say we’ve spent countless hours talking about how we’re going to change and what we’re going to do differently, but nothing does change and we’re back at it again tooth and nail. We both have very strong personalities and so it’s hard for either one of us to look at things from the other’s perspective and just hash it out in a calm manner. It’s gotten so bad recently that we almost fight daily, and it’s becoming heart wrenching for both of us. We’re both at a point where if either one of us says something wrong it turns into a fight and we’re both sick of it. So last week we got into it again, and things ended badly with me saying it was over and stormed out of her house. I feel bad now cause I do love this girl and didn’t want to tell her off like I did. But we’ve been playing this game for a while now that one of us just gets so fed up we say it’s over. I know she’s at her wits end with dealing with this sort of stuff and so am I, but with the amount of fights we’ve been through, we both always come back together and keep trying. I guess there’s just a feeling I have with this one that keeps me coming back even though I know we’re going to keep fighting. So I really don’t know what to do at this point. Maybe she’s already made her decision to move on, I don’t know. But what I want to know is if it’s even worth trying anymore. We aren’t getting better really, and as much as we try and change when crap hits the fan, we end up resorting back to our old habits of being argumentative. I love this girl and could see a wonderful future with her if we could stop the bickering and fighting. We’ve never fought about something serious, it’s always been about a dumb comment, or whatever. And honestly we can’t even remember what we fight about most the time. But it’s the fights that have drained us from even wanting to do this anymore. I don’t know what to do cause like I mentioned above there’s something about her that keeps me coming back, even in these bad times. I can’t place a finger on it, but it’s there and when things are good, I couldn’t be happier. I don’t know if this is a sign to move on, or if it’s a sign to try and better myself and deal with these issues in a way that’s going to work. What would you guys do?
NiceGuy4Ever Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Well it is obvious you're not happy so I would move on. Even though you Love this girl, are you really happy? Just ask yourself that. You'll probably find that you aren't. Then you put the "if we could just work out the fighting everything will be fine" idea. Look if you both can't keep you're tempers under control without one misunderstanding the other how is it going to work? There's a time when we try to work things out and it seems you've both tried but the truth of the matter is it hasn't so maybe it's best to break away. It's just so you can find true happiness elsewhere instead of relying on a small ray of hope. Hope this helps.
Exit Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Similar to my situation. Lots of fighting, lots of making up, but never really any improvement. Then one day you have one last fight, and it's over. If you two can't improve communication it is over. One time my ex came back and when I asked her how we could do better she just said "whatever, we will keep fighting". This is not the attitude to have. Ask her if she wants to try to talk about this or if it's best to be done. Tell her what you told us, that when things are good, you couldn't be happier, and you want more of that.
stace79 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 First off I believe it's possible to be in love with someone who is not right for you. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it will work. My bf and I were very similar.... there was a lot of insecurity on my side; we both were very hard headed. We fought over stupid things. Any way he finally said he wanted to take a break, so we did, where we werern't talking much or anything. Finally I decided I wanted to break up. Unbeknownst to me he had decided he really loved me and wanted to be with me forever. He worked really hard to show me things could be different, and in return I am trying harder to improve on my end. We are now engaged. So yeah I think it's possible to work things out, but both people have to want it long term. You might want to see a counselor together. Sometimes a third party helps you sort things out better.
bella16 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I am currently in your same situation, so I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together for only 4 months and we don't really fight a whole lot, but we've been bickering more than ever. We recently broke up about 3 weeks ago and lastweek sat down and talked everything out and got back together. I'm 23 and he's almost 30, so he's been through more crap than I have yet...I'm still learning how to deal with certain things. I was negative and insecure about a lot, and would just keep nagging him about stupid things. I learned though after we broke up...my god I don't wanna lose this man, I love him very much and I don't want to ever do anything to jeopardize our relationship again. It sucks because we sometimes don't realize it until that person is gone. So everything was fine this past week...until lastnight when I said something stupid because of something he did, and now this morning we had a txting war while I was at work...I hate those! Well I kinda feel like I'm back to where I was the 1st time this happened, so I gotta wait it out until I leave work and talk to him. I'm regretting saying what I said eventhough I was just telling him how I felt. I think you both should have a talk about the issue, since you arent fighting about anything serious. You truly love eachother, you will talk about it, learn from it, grow from it, and keep moving. I can see if the issues you were fighting about were real bad, but you are saying they aren't so maybe it is worth fixing. I dont believe in giving up unless you are truly, truly not compatible for eachother. If you BOTH want to be together and work on it together, you can make it happen. Good Luck!
Author stoneymirror Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 This is all good advice, thank you guys. But I'm still torn over this. It's already been like 4 days since I told her it was over and stormed out of her house saying F-off as I left. I feel like I should contact her, but another part of me wonders what's going to come from it. I so desperately don't want to go through this again... Look if you both can't keep you're tempers under control without one misunderstanding the other how is it going to work? We both have bad tempers there's no denying that. She's just more vocal about things and it makes me question her real feelings when she appologizes later for saying things out of frustration that she doesn't mean. I can't forget what she says to me and it resonates for a long time and takes me a while to move past it. Ask her if she wants to try to talk about this or if it's best to be done. Tell her what you told us, that when things are good, you couldn't be happier, and you want more of that. We've talked to much about how we're going to change and what we can do differently but we never follow our own advice. We're stuck acting the same way and it's like a broken record with us. The more we fight the less hope I have for the relationship, and it's just draining me. She knows I love her and think she's a perfect match for me, minus the fighting. Love doesn't seem like it can conquere all, unfortunately... both people have to want it long term. You might want to see a counselor together. Sometimes a third party helps you sort things out better. We discussed this the other day, but I can't believe it should be this bad after only 6 months. I think a councelor would be a great idea, I just can't believe it's gotten to that point already... Why is so hard to make things work, I'm thinking it should be easier than this, maybe I'm fooling myself. I think you both should have a talk about the issue, since you arent fighting about anything serious. You truly love eachother, you will talk about it, learn from it, grow from it, and keep moving. I can see if the issues you were fighting about were real bad, but you are saying they aren't so maybe it is worth fixing. I dont believe in giving up unless you are truly, truly not compatible for eachother. If you BOTH want to be together and work on it together, you can make it happen. Good Luck! We do talk about our fights all the time. We fight for like 20 minutes, get all worked up and then talk about it for like 3 hours. We have learned a lot about what we both need to do to change, but it's gotten to a point now were we're just repeating ourselves over and over again. I can't believe the crap we fight about and how dumb it is, and how its basically broken us up. I know a lot of this comes down to understanding what pushes each others buttons, and our personalities and it really has come down to questioning if we really are compatible with one another. Thanks again guys for your help, I really appreciate it. I think I'm just going to sit tight for a while and maybe she'll call me, maybe I'll call her, who knows. Love really is a battlefield and I hate giving up on things, but sometimes it feels like I can't win no matter how hard I try. She's got some of the greatest qualities I'm looking for in a person, but our fights have been like no other I've ever experienced with another gf of mine and its made it almost unbearable to be with one another. I'd marry this girl in a second if we could go a month without fighting, but we can't even go more than two days without something coming up and I have no idea how to get past fighting about petty bullcrap.
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