stace79 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 If you've read other posts from me, my apologies for any redundancy. Basically my fiance and I had a long rough rocky history b/c of his ex-girlfriend who lives about two hours from us. I finally broke up with him over it, at which point he e-mailed her, BCC'ed me and told her in no uncertain wording that he will not be her friend anymore or have any more contact with her of any kind. She replied once, and he told her again that basically my happiness is more important to him than anything and he did not want to be her friend anymore. About two weeks later, she texted him "Happy birthday" on his bday. As he and I agreed, he showed me the text and we decided the best approach was for him to ignore her. She texted him again that she thought she saw him crossing the street in her town (this was Friday night). Again, he showed me the text and ignored her. Knowing as much as I do about this girl, I predict this will continue, and if he doesn't respond she will eventually call or just show up in our city. What would your approach be? On one hand we feel like contacting her to tell her to stop is just rewarding her behavior. However I also do not want her to continue trying to contact my fiance b/c even though it is not his fault and I do not get mad at him for it, I do get upset over it. It makes me insecure. What would you do? How long would you wait, ignoring her contact, before you did something different?
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 No. Continue ignoring her. Sooner or later, one of two things will happen: She will either take it to the point where she will begin humiliating herself and making herself look desperate, or she'll eventually get the message. I suspect the latter. keep doing what you're doing. She will stop, eventually. He could try blocking her number, so that in fact, you have no idea she's even trying. ....
Author stace79 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Okay, so she didn't try to contact my fiance for awhile. He moved July 4 for a new job and lives 7 hours away, longer from her city. He changed his cell phone number to a new area code and has a new address. She had not tried to contact him up 'til that point. Well now this week she went and "friended" my fiance's sister on Facebook and has posted comments on her wall. Am I over-reacting to be angry about this? Maybe it is just me, but had an ex-boyfriend told me he didn't want to be my friend or speak to me at all, and that the entire previous year of communication with me was a mistake, I sure as heck wouldn't be added his sister as a Facebook friend! Am I wrong to assume that she is indirectly trying to weasel into our lives??? I'm livid.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Look, your bf has a new cell number thats a good thing. If he is serious about this - the ex should not be ABLE to contact him and thats his responsibility as far as changing cell phones or emails. But the rest, you just have to deal with and ignore. To do anything else is to allow her to be effective and lets her know that.
Author stace79 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Look, your bf has a new cell number thats a good thing. If he is serious about this - the ex should not be ABLE to contact him and thats his responsibility as far as changing cell phones or emails. But the rest, you just have to deal with and ignore. To do anything else is to allow her to be effective and lets her know that. That is what he says, too, but the issue is my personal sanity. There is a lot of history with this chick, and it isn't at all pretty. Maybe I am just a "weak" person but when he broke up with me for her before (like 2 years ago or more now) it literally put me in the hospital -- I wasn't able to eat or sleep and I was running literally every day. I lost like 25 pounds in one month. On top of that the reason I broke up with him this spring was because he wanted to maintain a friendship with her (phone calls and e-mails only, no visits in person). I decided I had to be most important, and he didn't agree until I broke up with him over it, at which point he realized that I had to come first. So basically she has been nipping at my heels for 3 years of our 3.5 year relationship. So I guess my opinion is that I just don't want to even know this girl exists anymore, possibly even if that means I have to break up with my fiance. I don't need that kind of drama in my life and hearing about her or seeing her posts on Facebook or whatever else just drive me nuts.
MichiganMan222 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Am I wrong to assume that she is indirectly trying to weasel into our lives??? I'm livid. I'd lay money down that you're not wrong. Probably fishing for his contact information.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Its pretty clear to you I think , that you know the problem is more with your fiance than her. Its because for a long time he invited her into his life regardless of your feelings. So, thats over now but it felt like a betrayal for sure. As with the betrayal of infidelity, both partners have work to do to get over it. The WS has to show true regret and remorse and the BS has to be able at some point, to decide to forgive. Either the two of you havent done the work together OR you've decided.
Author stace79 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Either the two of you havent done the work together OR you've decided. I'm not sure I understood this part. But I can say that no, I have not reached true forgiveness. For him, I have -- he has gone out of his way to show me that I'm his #1 and that he doesn't want her around anymore. He BCC'd me on the e-mail to her that he didn't want to communicate anymore. He showed me when she texted him, etc. She is just an awful person, and frankly I wish she would drop off the face of the earth. I am also convinced that this type of thing is not going to stop -- it is just the kind of manipulative, conniving girl that she is. I would not put it all past her to snoop and find his new address and just conveniently show up in his new city. (He now lives right on the beach and I can just see her saying she was "just on vacation" or something.) Maybe it is my problem if I can't get over it. But I'm not over it yet. And it infuriates me.
AlektraClementine Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I TOTALLY get you. I've had nearly the same exact situation now for a year and a half with his ex. The only difference being, he never fought me to have her in his life. Nevertheless, she has NEVER gone away and he never did anything about it. She finally stopped contacting about a month ago and the strangest thing happened. I became more livid than ever. I couldn't understand it until it dawned on me a couple of days ago that I'm livid not because I missed the drama but because I let this girl trample all over my relationship for such a long time, all the while staying silent. Never acting like a crazy girlfriend, never directly confronting her. Now that she's gone, what's left is me feeling like I never got the chance to stand up for myself. It's really tough and all I can tell you is that I really do empathize with you. It makes you feel absolutely insane sometimes.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 He needs to change his email address and/or block her. He needs to get a new cell number so she can't text him. Only way to deal with people like this is to completely ignore them. He needs to STOP replying to her, period!
Author stace79 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 He needs to change his email address and/or block her. He needs to get a new cell number so she can't text him. Only way to deal with people like this is to completely ignore them. He needs to STOP replying to her, period! He did those things, and it worked for a short time. Now she is friending his sister on Facebook, though, and she will probably start friending other friends she met through him.
Author stace79 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I TOTALLY get you. I've had nearly the same exact situation now for a year and a half with his ex. The only difference being, he never fought me to have her in his life. Nevertheless, she has NEVER gone away and he never did anything about it. She finally stopped contacting about a month ago and the strangest thing happened. I became more livid than ever. I couldn't understand it until it dawned on me a couple of days ago that I'm livid not because I missed the drama but because I let this girl trample all over my relationship for such a long time, all the while staying silent. Never acting like a crazy girlfriend, never directly confronting her. Now that she's gone, what's left is me feeling like I never got the chance to stand up for myself. It's really tough and all I can tell you is that I really do empathize with you. It makes you feel absolutely insane sometimes. I e-mailed her once with my bf's permission, but this was while he was still refusing to cease contact with her. Her e-mail was pretty harsh. It was obvious to me that she wasn't regretful at all for her actions of pursuing him while he and I were dating. (Yes, yes, I know he is partially at fault for that, too, but still...) I really want to e-mail her again, and my now-fiance has said he doesn't mind. Obviously he is not going to harass his sister or tell her who she can be friends with on Facebook. Even I agree that would be silly. My biggest irritation is that the ex would even attempt to friend his sister in the first place. I can't imagine what kind of lunatic she is. So should I message her? What would you say if you agree I should? It's just a huge thorn in my side that unfortunately I am not having success letting go.
doublescorpio Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I really want to e-mail her again, and my now-fiance has said he doesn't mind. Obviously he is not going to harass his sister or tell her who she can be friends with on Facebook. Even I agree that would be silly. If she felt trying to break up your relationship in the first place was justified, she probably still feels this way. I think since you have emailed her once already and she did not show any respect to you, that it is time to get HIM to take responsibility for this. HE needs to stand up to her now. He is letting you deal with it all and he probably doesn't mind not burning a bridge with her, because to be honest if things don't work out with YOU, he can always go back to HER. I think he is keeping her as safety, why else would he go out of his way not to piss her off? If I were him and I cared about you and really wanted that girl out of my life, I would tell my sister what is going on and if she could take her off the Facebook. Its not like his sister is going to lose anything by it, really. I know this may sound harsh but it really sounds like he still may have doubts about your relationship because he has not directly told her to f-off. He has pussyfooted around it. Even if he is the type that despises confrontation, I think HE should get the nerve to tell her off and ask the sister to de-friend her. It is his turn.
Author stace79 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 If she felt trying to break up your relationship in the first place was justified, she probably still feels this way. I think since you have emailed her once already and she did not show any respect to you, that it is time to get HIM to take responsibility for this. HE needs to stand up to her now. He is letting you deal with it all and he probably doesn't mind not burning a bridge with her, because to be honest if things don't work out with YOU, he can always go back to HER. I think he is keeping her as safety, why else would he go out of his way not to piss her off? If I were him and I cared about you and really wanted that girl out of my life, I would tell my sister what is going on and if she could take her off the Facebook. Its not like his sister is going to lose anything by it, really. I know this may sound harsh but it really sounds like he still may have doubts about your relationship because he has not directly told her to f-off. He has pussyfooted around it. Even if he is the type that despises confrontation, I think HE should get the nerve to tell her off and ask the sister to de-friend her. It is his turn. He said he would e-mail his sister about it today. I didn't want him to do that at first because I felt it unfairly pulled his sister into this drama. She lives 10 hours away at college and it is possible she truly doesn't know what chaos she caused by accepting that friend request. I would have preferred that my fiance email the ex to tell her in a not-so-nice way that he knows what she is trying to do and it's not cool, and that he doesn't want her going around adding all his friends and/or family as Facebook friends or whatever. He said if she adds anyone else "suspiciously" that he will do that at that time, but in the mean time he was going to e-mail or call his sister about it.
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