NoIDidn't Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Your story might be different for this board, but not so much in my personal experiences. I promise you, you will end up just like her concerning him. You shouldn't be doing ANY of these things for him. I won't allow my H on my credit cards because I need my own credit rating apart from his. Does this guy even have decent, if not great, credit? I say that my person experiences don't make this a surprise to me. I grew up in church. I saw this often from the so-called "leaders" of the church who basically only knew the right words to say and the right a$$es to kiss. Buyer beware!
NoIDidn't Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You have children (so do I) and as a mother, our first concerns should be what is good for our children. This is often a problem for me with dating. Don't get deeper into this situation which will affect your children unless you're sure this is the man you want to be with. Not even unless she's sure about wanting to be with him. She needs to see him take care of himself and his own business without her help for at least six months before even thinking about bringing him into any more contact than church allows with her children. Children do NOT need to see a grown man act like a bigger child than they are.
MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 [ His wife sounds the Opposite of dependent. She sounds like she knows how to take care of herself and business. She sounds like she is completely prepared to move forward...in fact, from what you have described about MM...she is dancing a freaking jig. 2sure, Sorry if I was unclear, I meant it sounded as if she was dependent at the time they married. There was mention of her being unemployed and unable to take care of herself. Maybe the fact that she's not so dependent now changed the dynamic between them. Some guys get off on that because they feel like they have control and security with dependent women.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 My kids are 11 and 9. I've know him for about a year, and we've been dating approx. 7 months. We've made no concrete plans to get married- as in buying rings or setting a date, but it has been discussed. My family does know about him and our relationship, and they are justifiably concerned. I am [typically] a very level headed and moral person, and my family fears more than the temporary loss of my integrity. I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the whole situation, and find myself wanting out more and more - regardless of the fact that I love him. I feel obligated to stand by him, however, because everyone else who said they were his friends, and "there" for him have proved not to be. Is that my pride? Or perhaps my guilt for my involvement in the first place? Must be your own guilt and lapse of integrity. His friends aren't supposed to support him in wrong doing. A true friend would be there if he needed something, but not when he knows he is not only risking the emotional stability of others, but his eternal stability. And as far as God's grace and mercy, tomorrow isn't promised to any of us, nothing like the present to get stuff straight.
jwi71 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 My kids are 11 and 9. I've know him for about a year, and we've been dating approx. 7 months. We've made no concrete plans to get married- as in buying rings or setting a date, but it has been discussed. My family does know about him and our relationship, and they are justifiably concerned. I am [typically] a very level headed and moral person, and my family fears more than the temporary loss of my integrity. I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the whole situation, and find myself wanting out more and more - regardless of the fact that I love him. I feel obligated to stand by him, however, because everyone else who said they were his friends, and "there" for him have proved not to be. Is that my pride? Or perhaps my guilt for my involvement in the first place? So you are going to introduce your children, 9 and 11, to a new man in a new home in a new R after 7 months. Does your xH know about this? Does his lawyer know about this? Does your lawyer know about this? Does the judge know about this? What do your kids think of their new daddy? Do you two (you and your new bf) agree on child rearing? Punishments? Rewards? Allowances? Etc, etc, etc... I really hope you go back and re-read what YOU write about him How on Earth do you see this ending well...he won't even ADMIT your R yet he will raise your kids? He can't file for D yet you entrust this man to be a role model for your children? Parents, in my view, teach by example. Your children learn by watching and growing up under a certain set of rules and behaviors...everyday reinforced by the ACTIONS of parents. And their new father will be demonstrating what exactly what again? What qualifies him to be in YOUR life and your KIDS life? Flabbergasted. Honestly. You need to STOP.
fooled once Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Again, how can he be your boyfriend when he is someone else's husband? And he isn't even DIVORCED yet. And you are on his accounts? Man, will her lawyer have a field day with this. WHY WHY WHY do women with kids introduce their children to other people's husbands as "Hey Billy, meet my new boyfriend John". UNLESS HE IS 100% divorced and ON HIS OWN (and got that way without you doing all the work for him) - please stop introducing children into those situations. And please don't use the excuse of "well, he works and doesn't have time" If it is important to him, he makes time. I worked full time, raised a child full time and was <shock> able to sell my house without having my new boyfriend DO IT for me. My 20 year old son sounds way more mature and independent than he does. His wife must be estatic she got someone else to take him off her hands.
Mino Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Let me clear up the opposite thing. I don't truly know if she was very dependent- you could be dead on. In the context of our conversation however, he was referring to personality. I know her too,and she is a very bitter, unhappy person. She has a very low self -esteem and is extremely withdrawn. She isn't a social person AT ALL and is extremely jealous. I, on the other hand, am very social and light hearted. I never meet a stranger and am often referred to as "bubbly" or "a breath of fresh air". I think there was just a huge contrast between her demeanor and mine, but again, this is why I felt justified in asking what would happen when somewhere more "pollyana" than me came along. He should've known how she was BEFORE they got married, right? But he did it anyway... Have you thought that she might have been just like you before they got married, and he made her withdrawn and antisocial? I say this because after living with my sp, I then realied that he turned into a couch potato, who was never in the mood to talk, when we had issues, he raised his voice a bit, even gritted his teeth once or twice, so I backed off. After seeing him in this light, I have alot more empathy for his w. I always wondered what is "wrong with her, looking the other way all these years, but now have a better understanding why she is the way she is. She gave up along time ago, and I think he helped that along quiet a bit. So maybe you mm w is this way because of him, he killed of her spirit.
Recommended Posts