Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 ... You can show your date exactly how you feel about them? My status as a single girl is increasingly under threat. I really like this guy I'm dating, and things are going really great. The thing I like most about this guy? He doesn't get scared when I show him and tell him I like him. Instead, oh healthy man, he likes it and wants more of it. Result? Awhile back he brought up the idea of being in a relationship. Last night we made it official. Apparently, this guy doesn't need "the chase". How refreshing! This leaves me free to shower him with attention. I love it.
DaGmen Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 OMG! Why cant I find a girl just like you? This is so refreshing to hear! This is exactly the way I like to operate. It does not take me long to know if I really "Like" someone. So why should I have to wait, lets just cut thru the BS, and say whats on our minds!
Star Gazer Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Awesome, K! That's so fantastic. Don't ya love a man who's not threatened by your emotions?
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Hey, 'grats on the exclusive relationship Kamille! It absolutely is wonderful, when they don't get turned off by you showing both positive and negative emotions. That's what mature relationships are all about! S. consistently pursued where each time he did, he received the big green light of "I like you". He's still like that, in that he's in charge because he makes decisions that are good for the relationship. When he's not in his comfort zone, he's willing to back off and let me lead, if it's one of my strengths. This works well for both of us, in that we're a partnership, not a patriarchy or a matriarchy.
Author Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 OMG! Why cant I find a girl just like you? This is so refreshing to hear! This is exactly the way I like to operate. It does not take me long to know if I really "Like" someone. So why should I have to wait, lets just cut thru the BS, and say whats on our minds! We're out there DaG, and this is in part the reason why I started this thread. There's so much bs out there about "rules" and "the chase", stuff that I would say both men and women rely on when it comes to dating. And then, every once in awhile, you meet someone where you just don't need to wonder. You know how they feel and you can tell them how you feel. I'll tell you, my guy made it possible for me to show him how I feel. I've been a bit guarded after past experience where men seemes to be in it more for the thrill of the chase then for actually getting to know me. How did he make it possible? Well, by being his awesome self, but also by being completely honest himself. And, he always followed up on plans: he calls when he says he will, always shows on time, and makes sure to let me know my well-being means a lot to him. Awesome, K! That's so fantastic. Don't ya love a man who's not threatened by your emotions? Thanks SG! And isn't it great that since this man isn't threatened by my emotions, we have yet to encounter any type of drama? It really simplifies everything. In three words: I trust him.
Author Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 It absolutely is wonderful, when they don't get turned off by you showing both positive and negative emotions. That's what mature relationships are all about! Exactly, and as you know, we did tackle some negative emotions and difficult issues, but he always made it clear that he wanted what was best for us as a couple and then for each of us. S. consistently pursued where each time he did, he received the big green light of "I like you". He's still like that, in that he's in charge because he makes decisions that are good for the relationship. When he's not in his comfort zone, he's willing to back off and let me lead, if it's one of my strengths. This works well for both of us, in that we're a partnership, not a patriarchy or a matriarchy. Same here. I have to confess I did not pursue him more then flash him a big smile. But I never hid how I felt about him in a ploy to "make him fall for me". And yes, I've been guilty of doing that in the past, when I've felt insecure. With this guy, I was honest from the start. I figured if anything made him run, it was best to find out early.
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Same here. I have to confess I did not pursue him more then flash him a big smile. But I never hid how I felt about him in a ploy to "make him fall for me". And yes, I've been guilty of doing that in the past, when I've felt insecure.As you know, this is a major pet peeve of mine, when people hide who they are at the beginning. With this guy, I was honest from the start. I figured if anything made him run, it was best to find out early.That's perfect and why I keep spouting like a run-on sentence, to be yourself from beginning to end. If someone runs from something, not only is it better to happen sooner, rather than later, but also shows you're not compatible, so stop wasting each other's time and creating more reasons for painful emotions. The above are great signs. If you fight well together, in that you can resolve, that's a good relationship!
OpenBook Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 That's great Kamille!! I'm excited for you!! :bunny: It's always refreshing to find somebody with whom you feel comfortable being yourself ... and he digs you at the same time!! It IS still early in your relationship, though. Neither one of you knows if this is going to last. Time is the only thing that will tell. If I were you I would still be a little cautious and reserved ... withholding a part of myself back. Don't let it ALL hang out and blast him with every emotion you feel. Just throwing in my 2 cents here. Congratulations and Enjoy!! You certainly deserve it. :love:
Author Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 That's great Kamille!! I'm excited for you!! :bunny: It's always refreshing to find somebody with whom you feel comfortable being yourself ... and he digs you at the same time!! It IS still early in your relationship, though. Neither one of you knows if this is going to last. Time is the only thing that will tell. If I were you I would still be a little cautious and reserved ... withholding a part of myself back. Don't let it ALL hang out and blast him with every emotion you feel. Just throwing in my 2 cents here. Congratulations and Enjoy!! You certainly deserve it. :love: Thanks OpenBook. Your advice taken into consideration. We are both aware that it still is very early on (not 3 months yet). But the thing I like the most about this R is that the rhytm of it feels natural. We both seem to be on the same page when it comes to how we want to let this relationship grow. Not rushing it, but not hindering it either. The above are great signs. If you fight well together, in that you can resolve, that's a good relationship! We have yet to really "fight". We don't fight, we talk. This is part of what I find amazing about him. He really takes what I say into consideration and then will act accordingly. I feel he always puts me first. In this, I never get defensive or feel ignored. Compromising is also made easy. by this. And I'm more then happy to return the favor. If he brings up something, I'll take it into consideration and will gladly do things that make him happy. It does help that we share a lot of the same fundamental values. And that we're both the same when it comes to establishing boundaries. Surprisingly, we've both struggled with it in the past, which makes it way easier for each of us to listen to the other and make sure this relationship fits each of us. aaaaahhh. I swear, this relationship is so easy, I wonder what the H I was thinking in the past.
Cherished Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Is his divorce final yet? Because you can have all this and more with a man who is not legally bound to an "ex" who he has admitted is still in the picture.....
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I'm kind of torn on the "separated" issue. If you know in your heart that you're not going back and have made that final decision, there's no reason not to get involved. The only problem is that when you're separated and even after the divorce, reliant on the circumstances of the separation and divorce, you're also not usually in the right frame of mind, to enter anything serious. It's really a variable per individual so you can't broad brush-stroke everyone, into one stereotype. In Kamille's situation, the ex is now out. He made the decision.
Author Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Is his divorce final yet? Because you can have all this and more with a man who is not legally bound to an "ex" who he has admitted is still in the picture..... The divorce isn't final yet, and to tell you the truth, it isn't really a priority of mine. I'm self-sufficient and in no rush to get married. Right now I feel I have everything I need. If that changes before the divorce is finalized, then we will have an issue. Right now, we don't. As I have said in a previous thread where you asked this specific question about his ex, the issue was never the ex but the children. When we met, his ex approached him to see if he couldn't work on the marriage for the sake of the children. One of their children is really struggling through this whole transition, and that child is obviously his priority, as should be. He offered alternatives ways to provide for the well-being of the child, which seem to be working for the child. He is very clear about his decision and the marriage is over and that it has been over for quite some time before the separation even occured. I am aware that he might be "transitioning". That was in great part what the whole "rebound" thread was about. I had convinced myself that he wasn't likely to be ready for anything serious. Out of my own fears and insecurities, I had decided, in spite of him telling me the opposite, that there was no possible way he could be ready for a relationship so soon, and that the shoe was likely to drop. I do sometimes still wonder about the transition thing, but until he actually does something that suggests there is an issue, I see no need to create drama.
OpenBook Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 The divorce isn't final yet??!? Well then, that means she's not really his "ex" yet!! And my advice is even more heartfelt than before!! Be careful with this Kamille. You definitely don't want to be his Rebound Girl. Beyond this place, there be dragons...
Author Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 All I can say is that divorces take time. They are trying to sort things through mediation. I don't have much details past this, as we both agree that the divorce is between the two of them. As to Rebound. Really, there is no way for me to know. So far, like I have said, he hasn't given me any reasons to worry. To be honest, from what little he's talked about his ex, it sounds like we're much more compatible then they ever were. I mostly get this impression from how blown away he is by things that are natural to me. Hmmm, would that be where the rebounds comes in? The place where he's blown away that someone notices and appreciates the caring things he does? The way I see it, I got hurt in the past in relationships with "single single" guys. The risk I'm taking here feels like the same risk I would be taking with anyone. Plus, really, I've gotten my heart broken in the past. I can't say it's really something that scares me. I usually pick myself up and move on. So if it happens here, that's what happens. That being said, I can assure you he is proving himself worthy of me giving my heart away.
loveslife Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 When I've been on the rebound I have found myself overwhelmed with joy over details in the new person which are different than the one I've broken up with. I think we're drawn to people different than our recent ex when we're freshly broken up because we think it'll BE different. It's fresh and exciting but at the end of the day he might still have the issues he brought to his old relationship. Also, it's extremely traumatic to go through a divorce. None of us know what's happening between the two of you except for the two of you. Don't get yourself on guard but do keep in mind that he is still going through a divorce. A friend of mine gave me sage advice once - be friends with a man going through a divorce but don't date them - their pants are down around their ankles and they don't know which way is up. I have found this to be the case for me the two times I tried, in spite of how great we thought the other was at the beginning. But you know best. Don't feel you have to explain to anyone.
loveslife Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Hmm did you just edit your last post twice? Don't feel you need to explain to anyone!!! Seriously.
Author Kamille Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Yes I did edit twice. I was adding details. And yeah, I might be starting to feel like I have to explain myself. Again, you're right, I don't have to. When I've been on the rebound I have found myself overwhelmed with joy over details in the new person which are different than the one I've broken up with. I think we're drawn to people different than our recent ex when we're freshly broken up because we think it'll BE different. It's fresh and exciting but at the end of the day he might still have the issues he brought to his old relationship. Also, it's extremely traumatic to go through a divorce. I've never been through a divorce, so I can only imagine it is traumatic. I'm not saying getting involved with him was very smart. We have and continue to discuss the issue of the possibility of a rebound. All I can say is that I am aware of it. Meanwhile he laughs and assures me "he's been around the block a few times" and can distinguish between a rebound and genuined compatibility. None of us know what's happening between the two of you except for the two of you. Don't get yourself on guard but do keep in mind that he is still going through a divorce. A friend of mine gave me sage advice once - be friends with a man going through a divorce but don't date them - their pants are down around their ankles and they don't know which way is up. I have found this to be the case for me the two times I tried, in spite of how great we thought the other was at the beginning. But you know best. Don't feel you have to explain to anyone. Thanks loveslife. He is my first divorc-ing man, so I admit I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. All I know is that being with him feels right. Easy. Uncomplicated. I cannot find it anywhere in my to even be alarmed by any of the well-meaning warnings you guys are posting here because we have yet to confront an issue we weren't able to tackle. This might change. We've only been together a few months after all and we're still getting to know each other. His ex and him went to counselling before separating, and he has talked about what he feels he needs to improve in himself in order to be better at relationships. Strangely enough, it's the boundary thing which I also struggle with. So... well... His weakness in the former relationship is actually a strenght in this one.
loveslife Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Kamille, I think you're doing great. And I'm glad you feel like you don't need to explain. It's hard to not defend your position when others are giving perspectives that don't necessarily mesh with yours. It could very well work out great. Nobody really knows. You just gotta follow your heart, your intuition and your wisdom. Enjoy!
Trialbyfire Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Kamille, I think you're doing great. And I'm glad you feel like you don't need to explain. It's hard to not defend your position when others are giving perspectives that don't necessarily mesh with yours. It could very well work out great. Nobody really knows. You just gotta follow your heart, your intuition and your wisdom. Enjoy!You know loveslife, I agree and disagree. It's true that no one can possibly know what's going on between you but on the otherhand, that's the value of LS, collective wisdom (and also collective cynicism ) from past experiences. The more complete information you provide, the better that people can provide third party, hopefully unbiased advice. It's also up to the individual poster, to decide what advice makes sense in their own situation. It's also true that each and every one of us can go too far, both OPs and advice-givers.
loveslife Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 You know loveslife, I agree and disagree. It's true that no one can possibly know what's going on between you but on the otherhand, that's the value of LS, collective wisdom (and also collective cynicism ) from past experiences. The more complete information you provide, the better that people can provide third party, hopefully unbiased advice. It's also up to the individual poster, to decide what advice makes sense in their own situation. It's also true that each and every one of us can go too far, both OPs and advice-givers. Agreed!! I think that all makes a lot of sense.
Star Gazer Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I'm not sure why, but somehow I forgot that your guy isn't officially divorced yet. While I'm very happy that you're happy, I'd still be cautious, K. Does he have a history of leaving one relationship, and immediately proceeding into another one? I'd think that having just recently ended a very serious relationship, and not yet even gone through a divorce, he wouldn't be so "open" to you yet...
alphamale Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 . Last night we made it official. did both of you sign some official document? This leaves me free to shower with him... yes you can do that now that it's "official"
You'reasian Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 You can show your date exactly how you feel about them?. Sure. I do appreciate a good date and I'd let her know My status as a single girl is increasingly under threat. I really like this guy I'm dating, and things are going really great. The thing I like most about this guy? He doesn't get scared when I show him and tell him I like him. Instead, oh healthy man, he likes it and wants more of it. Result? Awhile back he brought up the idea of being in a relationship. Last night we made it official. Congratulations! You must really like him alot to not friendzone him. Best of luck.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Firstly, I want to congratulate you on your current relationships. I think your comment about experiencing heartache with the single single guys is fair game. They just didn't the warning above their head ahead of time. I guess this is LS so you are hearing some very straight on judgmental comments (no surprised, that's what we signed on for here when we post). I think we just don't know yet on this guy so jury is out but it's great you are enjoying the ride in the meantime. I wish you the best of luck and it sounds like you are aware of everything. No need to apologize for your choices!
Author Kamille Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and humoristic comments. Does he have a history of leaving one relationship, and immediately proceeding into another one? I'd think that having just recently ended a very serious relationship, and not yet even gone through a divorce, he wouldn't be so "open" to you yet... The marriage was very long term (over 15 years), so it would be hard for me to judge. From what he's told me, no he doesn't have a history of jumping from one relationship to the next. In fact, he wasn't looking for a relationship when we met. It wasn't part of his "healing plan": he wanted to take a year to sort himself out and meet new people as friends. That was one of the confusing things at the beginning of our R: he first approached me thinking 1) she's cute 2) maybe we can be friends. And it also explains why we started out as friends but eventually couldn't keep our hands off each other. We've talked about this, about him making sure he takes the time to sort himself out and yes that option is still on the table. The one area where I can see this being a rebound is that our relationship confirms to him that he can be a good relationship partner. Maybe he's a great boyfriend for the simple reason he is trying to prove to himself that his marriage didn't fail all because of him. I guess only time will tell how the cards will fall. In the meantime, I will continue enjoying his company.
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