bearjossis Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Dear users, Two weeks after I met my ex's parents (on a trip from NYC to Florida), he breaks up with me. Since I had finals to contend with, graduated, and subsequently went on a trip to see my family, a month and a half went by. I figured the "let's be friends" gig would fizzle out, as I am trying to piece back together my life and move on. Only, I am perplexed by the following set of behaviors. I believe that they are consistent with his essentially putting me in the wings, but I don't see why I cannot get my stuff back. Thus, please let me know what he thinking! Also, I want to add that he is a wonderful person and sweet, so some of my statements are not to be examples of "craziness" or "controlling" behaviors, as they are out of context in this email but made sense as part of the conversation. 1. He breaks up and we talke very little over the next three weeks because I am in the middle of finals and the end of the year chaos. 2. My family visits for my graduation. 3. He calls to go to the movies to see Terminator. Everything was very civil and even enjoyable. 4. Then, he begins a pattern of texting me every 2-5 days over the next three weeks. Stuff like, "Did you see the Mets tonight?" --> I have a guess what this is all about, but please not that I am not initiating the contact and simply responding to his texts. 5. Last week while I am on vacation, he texts me something to the above effect. I answer. Three days pass and he calls me. The conversation basically had the following quirks: a) he asks me if I like his advice and then wants me to name some exampels of advice that he gave me. b) he doesn't want me to get off of the phone, despite my visiting my sister who lives 2000 miles away & my phone dying on me, and c) enters into a debate with me in which he insures before i hang up that I will call him the following monday if I loose (this was done in jest) 6. I lost and call him on Monday. He texts me 3 days later about the Mets. 7. I finally text him back that I simply cannot do this anymore. And, I realize that he is very busy, but I wished he would let me know when I could talk to him (ie - I need to get my stuff back. And no, he cannot mail it,as this would be easiest). No word in days! So, what gives? I am trying to make this a painless as possible for him. I cried at the time of the breakup, but I have been very pleasant, as I am trying to maintain my dignity and piece of mind throughout this whole thing. Also note: I study human behavior, so I am aware of healthy coping mechanisms. But, I am not sure what "game" he is playing. Also, one last possiblility. I met him while I was dating someone else. I broke up the other guy and got back with this one after I got over the ex. Only this ex thinks that I never got over the first one (which was over a year ago!). Although I tried to make it work, he never could trust me, which led to our downfall (not that I don't necessarily blame him or me for this). I realize this part makes me the bad guy. So, one thing that haunts me is whether he is getting some sort of weird revenge in my misery? Or, is it something else? Please help. I apologize for the length.
Thomas X Forever Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 You study human behavior? You should try turning it around on yourself. He may have dealt with it healthily, but you didn't. "You can run from your problems all you want, but they will catch up to you. Always." I'm guessing it's not the first time you've been told something along that affect?
Cloudberry Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Can you go get your stuff from him? Obviously you are able to see him, since you went to a movie with him (which was probably a bad idea... too soon). Then when you get your things, you can start ignoring him. But I figure he realizes that, too. Then his fun will be over.
Mike B. Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 The rub to leaving someone for another is that the new lover will always have haunting thoughts in the back of his mind, that the same could happen to him or her. Although they may care very much for you, it is very difficult for one to feel secure in such a situation. I am willing to bet that he actually feels some sort of relief that he has escaped the demons that probably has been haunting him since you two started dating. He does not have to deal with the torturous thoughts of you leaving him to return to your ex or finding someone else and leaving him. You did not elaborate on this much but I assume it is to protect yourself from criticism but sometimes this criticism provides helpful insight for us. On the other hand, he probably wish that he did not have those demons but nevertheless, is scared that you would have left him for someone else or cheated on him. He think that you never got over your ex? Be honest with yourself...why would he think this? Did you do the untasteful such as always bringing up your ex or always keeping momentos of your past relationship around your home? Could you not stop talking about your ex? Did you stay in close contact with your ex's friends and family? These sort of things can't help but to bug your current lover and creates insecurity. He probably is just used to you and hate to let you go completely out of his life so he remains in contact with you. He is probably trying to maintain a friendly relationship but experience tells us that this is almosy impossible most of the time and just about impossible during the initial stage of the break up. Someone will not be able to handle it. Well, you are aware of healthy coping mechanisms so I won't exhuast myself there but keep in mind the intellectual and geniuses who think they are too smart to be scandled but often still are. So how do you plan on handling this?
Author bearjossis Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thanks for replying. Thomas, I am not sure what you meant. Honestly, I am serial monogomist. And, I am usually pretty open to dialogue with those I date. So, I am guessing that this is in reference to the fact that I run? This may be true to an extent, as I just cope on my own and try to move forward and learn something. Therefore, my question is regarding how do I not run? Cloudberry, I have indeed thought of this. But, I felt that it may be too hard for one or both of us. Also, we are both very busy individuals. I was hoping that he would call/text/email me back so that we could work out some sort of arrangement. He leaves my things and I leave his sort of deal, where he would trust me to simply drop off his stuff with his key (ideally without his being there OR then I may break down-- not smooth!) But, he is now not talking to me. So, my question to you is whether I should try again? But, I don't want to bother him OR make this any harder than necessary. The whole thing has been rather lowkey. Mike - As for your insightful essay, thank you. I never brought up my previous ex, but this did get me thinking. After we returned from meeting his parents, I was showing my ex a funny email when my previous ex (who lives in Japan) out of the blue starts IMing me stuff like "how are you?" (I have him blocked, but he doesn't have me blocked and noticed that I was online). Anyway, I tried to talk to my ex about it and make sure he was okay. He said he was but he wasn't. A week later he made a comment about my having kept a pair of scrubs from a old bf from 5 years ago. I threw those out right then. In short, I really have no idea what to do. I know that I cannot just be friends with him. And, it is going to be difficult to finally get over him. I am okay with this. I just don't want to make this full of unnecessary drama. Nor, do I want to bother him. But, I cannot just call him either (one of my faults... I apparently never call!). My girlie side thinks that this is just another one of his tests. But, my rational side is telling me that I should just do what I must to end it. He recently moved, but I don't remember where. Ideas?
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