Explain this Dr. Phil-ism

[amaysngrace]

I can only gamble, and reactively cut people off after the fact rather than directly teach them "This is how you work with me".

 

If you are reacting then you can't teach because you haven't learned it yet yourself. By doing that it means you didn't stop to think about how you will handle it. So you went on emotions alone.

 

Next time stop to think about your reaction because there is a better way to handle that same situation that would cause the other person to respect you which they don't obviously or they wouldn't have stood you up.

 

Your reaction did nothing to gain you respect.

[amaysngrace]

You shall apologize to me for your insults, Touche. Now.

 

And what is this Lights? When you want something from someone you ask them not tell them.

 

Really it's no wonder you are in the situation you are in. You've got it all wrong.

[TaraMaiden]

I am condescending to people who deserve such behavior from me.

And thus will you be treated also. Don't you see it's reciprocal? it works both ways....?

They lose any respect they have for you, because of your superior attitude.

I don't see anything so vague about what I have written about. Anyone knows what flaking out is.

And of course, you have never in your life, ever let anyone down.

And if you haven't then you're playing Life too safe.....

 

 

I can provide some specifics for a quite recent episode, actually. I got stood up last night by another incompetent excuse for a "teammate". I sent her a message saying that I didn't have time for flakes. (In other words, I cut her off.) It didn't seem to have had any effect on making people turning up on time and working hard alongside me.

Inflexible, rude and condescending.

I think you got what you deserved, as she obviously didn't respect you enough to comply with your standard of behaviour. I think you expect too much. no wonder you're constantly disappointed.....

 

I don't know how to have people realize that I'm someone who takes work seriously and seeks high-quality teammates and expects respect for my time, and not inept slackers who waste my time and stand me up. In other words, I don't know how to teach people how to treat me. I can only gamble, and reactively cut people off after the fact rather than directly teach them "This is how you work with me".

You don't know how to teach people how to treat you, because you have not mastered the art of effective and productive management. You don't know how to treat people full stop, so they have a low level opinion of you, disrespect you and ignore your standards - because you're not a people-person. They see you as superior, stand-offish and cold.

 

 

That's ok. I just mentioned them because you considered it so "ridiculous" that someone could possibly be treated badly and not know how to teach people to treat them. I didn't need anyone to trawl through them; just to have people recognize that such an issue could exist.

I recognise and see it now, and see why it exists. I truly do think you have an inhibited emotion sensor. All you see is 'you' and 'them'. Not 'us'. You don;t think like a team leader, because they don't consider you part of the team.

 

 

They do, yes. As my earlier post pointed out, I'm currently limited only to the latter method, due to not knowing effective methods regarding the former. Please do read my posts before replying to them, and show me proper respect at all times.

When you earn it, you can have it.

Everyone deserves a standard measure of respect. Whether that then rises or falls, is then up to that person themselves;ves. You can't demand respect. You have to merit it....

 

 

You shall apologize to me for your insults, Touche. Now.

Authoritarian, demanding and unskillful.

 

First you claim I am inhuman. Now you question my mental facility. I paid you back for the latter, hoping that you would see the error of your ways for the first and apologized to me on the spot for it. You have not done so. I will retract my own earlier statement if you apologize now.

 

You really do need to hone your interpersonal skills. I'd be laughing my socks off, if this wasn't so tragic.

This is actually very sad, because you are isolating yourself from others through this attitude.....

You are in deep trouble, Lights, you really are......

 

_/l\_

[Lights]

Inflexible, rude and condescending.

I think you got what you deserved, as she obviously didn't respect you enough to comply with your standard of behaviour. I think you expect too much. no wonder you're constantly disappointed.....

So I set up a time to meet and work, and I somehow deserve to be stood up as a result? What, expecting people to actually show up at agreed-upon times instead of standing me up is an unrealistically high expectation? Expecting that people show respect for my time is rude?

 

And of course, you have never in your life, ever let anyone down.

And if you haven't then you're playing Life too safe.....

For all practical purposes, no one I encounter in daily life shows me mercy for my failures. Why should I play the saint and offer any myself? Have they done anything to earn such special treatment?

 

You don't know how to teach people how to treat you, because you have not mastered the art of effective and productive management. You don't know how to treat people full stop, so they have a low level opinion of you, disrespect you and ignore your standards - because you're not a people-person. They see you as superior, stand-offish and cold.

I don't doubt that I don't know how to teach people to treat me. That's why I'm asking how it's done. I wouldn't be asking advice otherwise.

 

The rest, however, is just plain false. I did not wrong the person who stood me up. You are assuming that their disrespectful action was the result of some mistreatment on my part, which just isn't the case unless setting up a meeting is somehow an affront. Please explain to me how I 'mistreated' them and how it led them to take a disrespectful action.

 

If you are reacting then you can't teach because you haven't learned it yet yourself. By doing that it means you didn't stop to think about how you will handle it. So you went on emotions alone.

 

Next time stop to think about your reaction because there is a better way to handle that same situation that would cause the other person to respect you which they don't obviously or they wouldn't have stood you up.

 

Your reaction did nothing to gain you respect.

I'm not sure what this means; are you stating that the way I had set up the meeting was somehow a cause for disrespecting me? Or are you saying that my response to an after-the-fact disrespect was what was wrong?

 

In either case, what would I have better said?

[Ronni_W]

Lights,

What you're asking about is how to set healthy boundaries. It includes learning how to communicate your own needs, desires, preferences and dislikes clearly, honestly and kindly; and active listening -- all are learned skills -- and all are necessary if we want to effectively teach people how to treat us.

 

I'm really not sure what other posters are giving you such a hard time about, or having such a difficult time understanding is your issue that you're trying to address .

Well...it does speak to your lack of effective communications skills but...that's exactly what you are trying to ask for help with, isn't it so?

 

Feel free to PM me if you'd like some resources and such. Or google "healthy boundaries", "active listening", and "assertive" or "positive" communication.

[TaraMaiden]

Ronni, that's sweet.

But you'd think somebody at his age and level would have learnt some kind of rudimentary communication skills by now, especially if he's in a position of authority.

It's possible those responsible for putting him in this position have misread the signs.

Lights comes across as self-assured, confident and Authoritative.

These posts would indicate this is far from the case.

In fact, I would say quite the opposite is true.

 

And if you look at all the threads he's created - he's desperately seeking ways in which to interact with others effectively.

 

I sense a personality disorder.

I really do.

I think Lights, you would do well to visit a clinical psychologist and explain your dilemma.

I think you have a social-interactive problem, and it could be psychological and actually treatable, in the sense that you might well be able to get to the root of it, and deal with it - but only with professional insight and input.

I really think that would be a step in the right direction.

Because in so many threads, you ask for, seek and require input and advice - then spend most of your responses rebutting the input others give you.....

[blind_otter]

Ronni, that's sweet.

But you'd think somebody at his age and level would have learnt some kind of rudimentary communication skills by now, especially if he's in a position of authority.

 

Now, I think this has gotten a bit out of hand.

 

I sense a personality disorder.

I really do.

 

You know what I sense? Someone who is suffering. The best thing anyone can do is lead by example rather than pointing fingers and calling people damaged, messed up, or loony. That is the exact opposite of cultivating compassion.

 

Let's lighten up, so to speak.

I was the one who started this thread, not Lights.

[TaraMaiden]

Now, I think this has gotten a bit out of hand.

And off-topic.... You're right, of course.....

 

 

You know what I sense? Someone who is suffering.

I couldn't agree more. It was only after he'd mentioned previous threads

and other comments that I took the time to read his threads, which led me to take a step back and re-address the issue.

My comments were never meant to be unkind. Upfront, and blunt, yes, definitely. Probably wrongly so.

But I got a different picture.

 

 

The best thing anyone can do is lead by example rather than pointing fingers and calling people damaged, messed up, or loony. That is the exact opposite of cultivating compassion.

I take your point, and consider myself suitably and rightly chastened.

Apologies to you, and to Lights.

 

Let's lighten up, so to speak.

I was the one who started this thread, not Lights.

[Touche]

I think it's funny that AFTER he was stood up, he sends the person a message "cutting her off." Uhm, Lights dear...SHE already cut YOU off by not showing up. See how that works? Bet she had a good laugh with her g/f's over that one!

 

And this:

 

You shall apologize to me for your insults, Touche. Now./QUOTE]

 

How laughable. Apologize? To you? HA! I don't think so. Please don't hold your breath. I offered advice in a sincere way and you insulted me saying something about you wished the internet was still for "smart people."

 

Maybe I'm not the smartest cookie on the block but at least I know how to maintain a relationship and have never been stood up.

 

You owe ME an apology...but don't worry. I won't hold my breath. Clearly you have some things to work out. But I shall no longer try to help.

[Lights]

How laughable. Apologize? To you? HA! I don't think so. Please don't hold your breath. I offered advice in a sincere way and you insulted me saying something about you wished the internet was still for "smart people."

You "offered me advice in a sincere way" by labeling me as inhuman, is it? You did so unprovoked, if the post record is accurate. Do not waste my time whitewashing your lies. To think that you even dare to scoff at me and label my words laughable?!

 

But I shall no longer try to help.

Correct, you shall no longer try to help. You shall try your hardest to sincerely apologize to me.

 

Blind Otter, I apologize for derailing your thread. I will not post here further.

[blind_otter]

It's Ok. I feel like maybe I posted this for a reason, but it wasn't the reason I thought I was posting it for.

[Isolde]

I do think it's a bit simplistic, but like most cliches, it does have a lot of truth in it.

[lovebubble]

you don't teach people how to treat you, per se.. but you can determine how they can and can not treat you.

 

if someone wants to treat you like ****, they will treat you like ****. just because you put your foot down, dosen't mean that they will want to treat you any better. it just means that you have removed yourself from a ****ty situation. you've determined how they CAN NOT treat you.

 

you teach yourself how to be treated.