LaGazelle Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 For the sake of providing additional background info, I'm 30. And yeah, I had a terribly abusive childhood. But I'm sure that doesn't exactly come as a shock. I've learned over the course of my life that everyone who can screw me over eventually will and in some ways I have this dysfinctional thought process about how I know the devil I "have", but might end up with worse. I already know what you'll all say to that, but logic is less of a factor in my thoughts than emotion, and yes I know that's a big problem. My educational background is psych and professionally I've always worked in mental health in some capacity. I'm pretty good at seeing that problems exist and why - at least in part - but I'm terrible, paralyzed in fact, when it comes to fixing it. When MM and I first got together, things were so different. There were no expectations to leave our M's and it was calm - a wonderful romantic whirlwind that was in many ways "artifical". I suppose I have this fantasy that we can go back to being that way when the divorce tornado stops. That's probably not realistic though is it? I'm sorry you have been trhough all that trauma. You were a defenceless child and I can never understand how anyone can put children through such despair. The difffernce now is you are no longer a defenceless child and you can find it within you to make it through and beyond this. This guy does not mean seem to mean you well, and you should protect yourself and your children from further trauma that is highlhy likely to be rooted in your childhood pain. Don't give power to whoever abused you, to continue to ruin your life. Don't let the pain live on in your children. Attack it, remove it and fly beyond it. If nothing else, but for the sake of your children, who I'm sure mean the world to you. Best wishes.
Author MistyK Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 He obviously wasn't just fulfilled by "making nice money", so she must have brought something to the table, something which to him seemed like a priceless addition to his career success - perhaps something to make him a well-rounded and more fulfilled person. Just because she didn't "put him husband through school" doesn't take away from her making a valuable contribution to her H's success. Of couse she brought something to the table. She is a wonderfully outgoing and creative person, and part of her charm is that she's very childlike. He wanted children and she appeared to be good mom material. Truly, I think she's done very well by kids, save her insistence on involving them in the current marital drama. Her own parents are still together, and so maybe she doesn't understand how what she's doing can be so hurtful.
SerenityX2 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 When MM and I first got together, things were so different. There were no expectations to leave our M's and it was calm - a wonderful romantic whirlwind that was in many ways "artifical". I suppose I have this fantasy that we can go back to being that way when the divorce tornado stops. That's probably not realistic though is it? Misty, I'm not trying to tick you off, but you admit you don't always see things logically. What is calm about a whirlwind? My guess is that the A was fueled by feelings of an extreme ecstatic state. The problem with that is it's not how a real r'ship functions. There's the constant adrenaline rush from having secrets, sneaking, drama, etc... A normal r'ship doesn't have that "extreme" high, there's the wonderful butterfly feeling in the beginning but also tempered with a true calm, and feeling comfortable/safe. If it's really good, the butterflies remain intermittently but the r'ship gives way to a more solid deeper love strengthend with trust and communication, not 2nd guessing. It's been said here time and time again, most A partners are so steeped in fantasy they can't handle when the rubber meets the road and the r'ship falls into a "flat" state because now it's not all romantic interludes it's the day to day stuff and to a degree A partners thrive on drama or they wouldn't be doing this to their lives. Living with constant drama is a recipe for disaster, if nothing else your health is going to suffer tremendously down the line. He will destroy you bit by bit, that's what everyone is saying and can see. And yes that has very scary implications for your children. Men like this know no bounds, they are out for themselves. Free will Misty, you must know that you are now choosing all of this drama and angst and bringing it to your kids. I get that you believe it's for love, but Misty love doesn't look like this. Today I'm wishing you strength.
NoIDidn't Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Of couse she brought something to the table. She is a wonderfully outgoing and creative person, and part of her charm is that she's very childlike. He wanted children and she appeared to be good mom material. Truly, I think she's done very well by kids, save her insistence on involving them in the current marital drama. Her own parents are still together, and so maybe she doesn't understand how what she's doing can be so hurtful. Saying that she is very childlike definitely makes it sound like he chose her because she might be easy to manipulate. But even childlike people can grow up and it sounds like she isn't appreciating the bull he'd been feeding her about the A. I couldn't be party to that. She's the mother of his children. He thinks that crippling her emotionally is good for the children? He's definitely the one showing more disrespect to them than she is.
ForumFool Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 For the sake of providing additional background info, I'm 30. And yeah, I had a terribly abusive childhood. But I'm sure that doesn't exactly come as a shock. I've learned over the course of my life that everyone who can screw me over eventually will and in some ways I have this dysfinctional thought process about how I know the devil I "have", but might end up with worse. I already know what you'll all say to that, but logic is less of a factor in my thoughts than emotion, and yes I know that's a big problem. My educational background is psych and professionally I've always worked in mental health in some capacity. I'm pretty good at seeing that problems exist and why - at least in part - but I'm terrible, paralyzed in fact, when it comes to fixing it. When MM and I first got together, things were so different. There were no expectations to leave our M's and it was calm - a wonderful romantic whirlwind that was in many ways "artifical". I suppose I have this fantasy that we can go back to being that way when the divorce tornado stops. That's probably not realistic though is it? Nah I don't think you know what I will say...because I DO understand how one can know what an issue is yet behave and live their life in an emotional way..and I am sure you are working on this in therapy..I believe we all in LS want the best for you and want you to be able to think and act with your head not your fears/pain/anger...You and I both know that is easier said than done..but that IS all you will see in here as far as help. While we can feel sorry for your hurt, fears and anger we are not in the same position and thus we can approach it with our heads a bit easier...perhaps much easier.... And I am sure you know the answer to your own question..it is not realistic to go back to what it was with him all the dynamics have changed. Yes I could be your mom lol so be nice to me
Author MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I know I'm not acting in my own best interests. It's frustrating to me and to my therapist, and well, pretty much everyone around me. I've come to understand more about the dynamics between us and had hoped that'd make it easier to move on, but it hasn't. I don't know what it will take for me to find the strength, I can only imagine distance will do it. I have tried so many times to get distance from him, but he doesn't respect it and I cave because I miss him and I'm so afraid. I think he fears the distance more than I do and that's why he won't let me have it. Truthfully though, I think he is right to be afraid - it seems like it would be so much easier to walk away if I had some detox time under my belt. Part of what makes him so effective is that he knows my deepest issues and uses them against me. It is maddening, but still effective. And part of me would feel guilty for leaving him with his demons when he seems so vulnerable right now. It may also be helpful to explain that I'm terribly inexperienced. Other than my husband, he's the only man I ever been with sexually. I haven't dated much obviously and I don't really want to enter that scary world. Anyway, I decided that step one is to simply make myself less available and let the chips fall where they may. I've been to afraid to have my own life, and that's going to stop, right now. At least then I might feel less robbed on my own life and more in control. Maybe that causes him to give me a little more respect, but if not, I'm hoping that I'll feel strong enough to keep moving forward, one baby step at a time.
Author MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I'm going on vacation next week with my kids and my aunt is coming to help. Her presence makes it a whole lot easier for my to refuse his offer to come down and spend time with me (and my kids, who I really don't want to be around him right now). I told him today I don't want him to come down while I'm away (part of me does of course, but I'm fighting it). It's odd for us to be out of contact for long - we're usually on the phone about 3 hours each workday and see each other almost every night, even if only for an hour or so after my kids are asleep. (He calls me 99% percent of the time. Kinda makes you wonder whose more insecure doesn't it?) So, my going away and asking him not to come around is going to invite a LOT of phone calls, most of which I don't want to take either. (I want my life back, tired of my world centering on him while I am but an afterthought to him). I really want to focus and be present with my family. They deserve that from me. I know he's going to get pissy/sad puppy about it - how do I deal with that? And then that brings me to another problem. What do I do about what i know will be thoughts in my head about what he's doing while I'm gone (him spending the week overnight with the W and kids/ or at least spening every waking moment over ther as he is apt to do, him spending hours having "deep" conversation with the W that go nowhere except to send her more mixed signals and fail to set boundaries, etc.)? And of course I suspect I'll have the hope that he will take this free time to move his stuff out and get his life a little more together and I'm 100% sure I'll be disappointed on that.
LaGazelle Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I know I'm not acting in my own best interests. It's frustrating to me and to my therapist, and well, pretty much everyone around me. I've come to understand more about the dynamics between us and had hoped that'd make it easier to move on, but it hasn't. I don't know what it will take for me to find the strength, I can only imagine distance will do it. And part of me would feel guilty for leaving him with his demons when he seems so vulnerable right now. Misty, it is really not your prerogative to shoulder his burdens, that is the business of his wife - his committed life partner. Their marriage is not your business, therefore you shouldn't intrude it, and you most certainly shouldn't take on the burden of doing what his wife should be doing. You already have your your hands full taking care of yourself and your kids without a husband of your own.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 So today BW sees my garage door open and assumes I just got home (which I had). She went into a rage, drove by again, then told MM that she was going to come to my house to confront me. He called me promptly to warn me, so I immediately am upset. well her anger with you is justified, but she really needs to be channeling that anger at her husband....she really needs to be kicking him out of the house. But if you think you are upset....try being the wife of a man you are sleeping with. Right as my exH was dropping off my kids (it was his weekend) she pulls in front of my house (on the wrong side of the road), and by this point I'm so pissed that I wave at her as she's stopping. She screams out her car window that I had an affair with her husband and I'm a slut in front of my kids, my ex and most of my neighbors. while you'd be right deserving of such a lambasting...in front of the kids is just plain wrong. but her emotions of what you and her husband are doing to her are overcoming her. personally, as an xBS, I wouldn't give my x wife's OM the satisfaction of the effort. he wants to be a man and face me, he knows where I am and he knows I extended the offer. I'm not wasting my time and gas like that. This is on top of her previously calling me to scream obscenities at me (I was nice to her in return and apologized for her pain) ok, you apologized to her for her pain, what was her reaction? And did you apologize for her pain while STILL sleeping with her husband. If so, the apology wasn't one at all. driving by my house constantly, watching my mail and my trash, and she tried to run me over as I went to retrieve my mail one day. So I called a friend of mine's husband (who happens to be a city cop) just to call her and ask her to knock it off and already she's turned this whole thing into a dramatic production about what a bitch I am. I can take her yelling at me, I can deal with a lot, but she crossed the line when she pulled this crap with my kids. I'm an uber-protective mom and I will not deal with this kind of crap from her. Yet, I still feel like total crap for being involved in any of this in the 1st place. You are correct with regards to the kids. And really, she is emotionally over the top because of what you and her husband did to her that she isn't thinking rationally. Can't blame her for that, but she needs to realize that all this anger and effort needs to be aimed at her husband. she needs to pack his bags and put him out of the house....then you can take him in and cook for him.
Author MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 well her anger with you is justified, but she really needs to be channeling that anger at her husband....she really needs to be kicking him out of the house. But if you think you are upset....try being the wife of a man you are sleeping with. while you'd be right deserving of such a lambasting...in front of the kids is just plain wrong. but her emotions of what you and her husband are doing to her are overcoming her. personally, as an xBS, I wouldn't give my x wife's OM the satisfaction of the effort. he wants to be a man and face me, he knows where I am and he knows I extended the offer. I'm not wasting my time and gas like that. ok, you apologized to her for her pain, what was her reaction? And did you apologize for her pain while STILL sleeping with her husband. If so, the apology wasn't one at all. You are correct with regards to the kids. And really, she is emotionally over the top because of what you and her husband did to her that she isn't thinking rationally. Can't blame her for that, but she needs to realize that all this anger and effort needs to be aimed at her husband. she needs to pack his bags and put him out of the house....then you can take him in and cook for him. Dexter, If you read the whole thread, he did move out, months ago - which is why the timing of this is so odd. He made her crazy, and i don't blame her for wanting to scream at me, and I have been open to her doing so over the phone, I just wish she hadn't made a scene with my kids. My kids won't remember it anyhow, but it displayed for the entire neighborhood that she's a wee bit unbalanced. Her stalking me (again, see past posts) I understand to a degree, she wants to know more about me, but it's not helping her by making her even more obsessive and it's getting a bit scary. If you read the whole thread, I think it should be clear that i want out of this, just can't figure out how to do it. I'm certainly not out to hurt anyone or just simply get laid. I regret ever getting involved in this situation, and MM has told BW as much.
Author MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Again, good for you hon! Yes, they do deserve that from you. As for how HE feels, f him! How about how YOU have been feeling through all this? And if you really think he cares, remember that he threatens to never see you again if you force him to make a choice between you and his W by ending the A until he is single. That is VERY selfish and controlling on his part. There really is nothing you can do about that but try to not dwell. Of course he's going to be on your mind. However, the more you focus on YOUR life and making it better regardless if he winds up with you or not, the less those thoughts will intrude. Get busy gettin' happy! If you're so sure (and I suspect you're correct from the things you say about him and this situation), that should make you even more hell bent on having YOUR life the way YOU want it. Keep on keepin' on Misty!!! You'll get there! Thanks for the encouragement DM. I really need it right now. I'll let you know how it goes when I get back next weekend. I also have a week in August to look forward to - he's taking his kids on vacation and I'm flying out to see my family, so we'll be incommunicado that week too.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Dexter, If you read the whole thread 14 pages worth...... he did move out, months ago - which is why the timing of this is so odd. He made her crazy, and i don't blame her for wanting to scream at me, and I have been open to her doing so over the phone, I just wish she hadn't made a scene with my kids. I would agree. Even if I wanted to confront someone, I wouldn't do it while kids are around. Its not their fault you did what you did. Her stalking me (again, see past posts) I understand to a degree, she wants to know more about me, but it's not helping her by making her even more obsessive and it's getting a bit scary. even though I understand the irrationality that being a victim of cheaters might cause....I simply wouldn't want to waste my time knowing about and OM. If you read the whole thread, I think it should be clear that i want out of this, just can't figure out how to do it. well, can't read all of it right now, but did you consult the local law enforecment? not sure there is much you can do if she doesn't come on your property...(I think maybe you mentioned that she did). but she has the right, unfortunately, to drive by your house and scream whatever she wants at you.
ForumFool Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 MistyK ..I am proud and GLAD you are trying to add some space and I know....yep I know that this will be harder as the days go by on your trip...BUT I wanted to add a couple things..Donna said a good deal of what I would have but I am wondering if while you are gone....you can not take the cell phone? OR get one of those throw away ones so mom, xh and anyone really NEEDING to get ahold of you can. I suggest this because its the only way you will make a week NC..Its like a drunk going it alone with a tiny bottle of booze from an airplane...CUT THE CORD He had a shrink if he needs help he can get some....Thing is IF he hooks up with his wife.....that should help you KNOW this is the end and MOVE on... I feel the key thing you said in here is YOU need ..NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS...YOUR ATTENTION ON THEM ..ALL OF IT....Misty your kids NEED mom not half of her...Do not BE like those people who f'd YOU over when you were growing up....rise above all this drama and trauma and MOTHER YOUR KIDS...Make it a fun trip Finally, you keep saying he won't LET you have time away and all but the thing is.....YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT...Don't open your door...don't take calls...HE HAS ONLY AS MUCH POWER AND CONTROL AS YOU ALLOW HIM.
no angel Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Misty, I'm new here, but as a BW I know all to well how this man's wife is feeling. I read an earlier response of yours about that fact that YOU didn't cheat on her. And you're ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. The A in question wouldn't exist had it not been for her husband's decision. However, We make enemies of people when we willingly enter into situations that we KNOW are going to hurt them. And you never know who's toes you're stepping on. It's natural for her to feel "attacked." You knew having an A with her H would cause her pain, and you did it anyway. I certainly don't condone her behavior. Children have NO BUSINESS being exposed to such things. But I do hope that for the sake of your children, you realize that when you step into someone else's world (which you did when you had an A with her husband) you don't get to decide how they respond. All you can do is be prepared to protect yourself and your babies from WHATEVER they decide to throw at you. I hope SHE gets counseling and leaves you alone. Nothing good can come of her continued assault on you.
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