whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 My point is only that why is there NEVER any responsibility at all for the BS? Because the WS chooses to cheat. How is it the responsibility of a BS that their spouse cheated? No matter WHAT shape a marriage is in, each are responsible for their own choices. Noone, especially the BS put a gun to their W/H head and said "cheat." Affairs take TWO to work. The OW/MM or OM/MW. BS is not in the affair.
herenow Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I don't expect her to care about me. I fully expect her to yell at me and I didn't even bitch when she tried to run me over. The problem is her dragging my kids into this, and her own. Now before you all jump down my throat about how I'm ruining all the kids ---we all have a choice to keep our kids out of it. When I divorced, I kept my kids out of it. I have not introduced my kids to MM nor has he introduced me to his. We plan on keeping it that way for a long time. She's choosing to hurt her kids simply to get back at him, and apparently to hurt mine to get back at me. I don't care how badly I'm hurt, I will be damned before I throw my kids (or anyone else's) under the bus. So yeah, I understand her emotion, but she needs to take it out on the right people. It's like kicking your dog when you're mad at your boss. I understand what you are saying. Please try to understand what I am saying. I'll put it another way. I have 2 kids. I try to set an example for my kids on a daily basis. When I mess up, I admit that I'm not perfect and I accept responsibility for my mistakes. I make my choices based on how I would like to be treated and hope that my kids do the same. If I should ever make a choice that I try to hide from my kids, I know that it will be my cross to bear if they should ever find out. No matter how they would find out, it would be my fault and my fault alone for engaging in whatever it is that I did. There is no one else to blame but myself if I should ever make a choice that could cause my kids pain. You can't expect anyone to share that responsibility or shield your kids from the truth. It is your responsibility to make choices that you can be proud of and accept that your mistakes are yours alone. Do I think the BW is right in bringing the kids into this mess? Not at all. But that is her choice and there is nothing you can do about it just like she wasn't able to stop you from having an affair with her H. Do not expect her to have any more respect for you or your kids then you did for her or her kids. I would assume she didn't ask for this to happen. She didn't have a choice when it came to the affair, now she has a choice in how she handles it and you don't have a say about her actions. Unless she actually does something illegal, she can act however she wants without your approval or permission. Just like you did.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I don't expect her to care about me. I fully expect her to yell at me and I didn't even bitch when she tried to run me over. The problem is her dragging my kids into this, and her own. Now before you all jump down my throat about how I'm ruining all the kids ---we all have a choice to keep our kids out of it. When I divorced, I kept my kids out of it. I have not introduced my kids to MM nor has he introduced me to his. We plan on keeping it that way for a long time. She's choosing to hurt her kids simply to get back at him, and apparently to hurt mine to get back at me. I don't care how badly I'm hurt, I will be damned before I throw my kids (or anyone else's) under the bus. So yeah, I understand her emotion, but she needs to take it out on the right people. It's like kicking your dog when you're mad at your boss. I thought you said that she was pissed because you and he left all the kids together and went out? Am I mistaken or confused?:confused:And as far as kicking the person she was mad at, I think that's what she was trying to do.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I understand what you are saying. Please try to understand what I am saying. I'll put it another way. I have 2 kids. I try to set an example for my kids on a daily basis. When I mess up, I admit that I'm not perfect and I accept responsibility for my mistakes. I make my choices based on how I would like to be treated and hope that my kids do the same. If I should ever make a choice that I try to hide from my kids, I know that it will be my cross to bear if they should ever find out. No matter how they would find out, it would be my fault and my fault alone for engaging in whatever it is that I did. There is no one else to blame but myself if I should ever make a choice that could cause my kids pain. You can't expect anyone to share that responsibility or shield your kids from the truth. It is your responsibility to make choices that you can be proud of and accept that your mistakes are yours alone. Do I think the BW is right in bringing the kids into this mess? Not at all. But that is her choice and there is nothing you can do about it just like she wasn't able to stop you from having an affair with her H. Do not expect her to have any more respect for you or your kids then you did for her or her kids. I would assume she didn't ask for this to happen. She didn't have a choice when it came to the affair, now she has a choice in how she handles it and you don't have a say about her actions. Unless she actually does something illegal, she can act however she wants without your approval or permission. Just like you did. That's all most of the posters were trying to say. OP isn't willing face that fact. She alone placed her children in the position to be embarrassed. Again the BS wasn't right, but her job isn't to be a better role model to your children than you are.
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I understand what you are saying. Please try to understand what I am saying. I'll put it another way. I have 2 kids. I try to set an example for my kids on a daily basis. When I mess up, I admit that I'm not perfect and I accept responsibility for my mistakes. I make my choices based on how I would like to be treated and hope that my kids do the same. If I should ever make a choice that I try to hide from my kids, I know that it will be my cross to bear if they should ever find out. No matter how they would find out, it would be my fault and my fault alone for engaging in whatever it is that I did. There is no one else to blame but myself if I should ever make a choice that could cause my kids pain. You can't expect anyone to share that responsibility or shield your kids from the truth. It is your responsibility to make choices that you can be proud of and accept that your mistakes are yours alone. Do I think the BW is right in bringing the kids into this mess? Not at all. But that is her choice and there is nothing you can do about it just like she wasn't able to stop you from having an affair with her H. Do not expect her to have any more respect for you or your kids then you did for her or her kids. I would assume she didn't ask for this to happen. She didn't have a choice when it came to the affair, now she has a choice in how she handles it and you don't have a say about her actions. Unless she actually does something illegal, she can act however she wants without your approval or permission. Just like you did. Ok, here's the thing. My kids didn't understand what she said and probably won't remember it, thankfully. Sooner or later I know they'll find out and I will have to deal with that. At this point, just having some crazy stranger screaming at your mom is scary. And please also understand I've had NO contact with her kids, and for what it's worth I've tried to protect them in as much as I can. It's not about her feeling some responsibility for my kids, it's about when you plan to pick a fight, and you see them with their kids, that cools the jets of most normal people. For instance, as much as I wanted to choke her yesterday, I asked the cop specifically to call instead of going there so as not to upset their kids. And yeah, trying to run me over, harassing and stalking me IS ILLEGAL last I checked. Me having an affair with her husband may be a lot of unflattering things, but not illegal. Again I expect the anger and the yelling, but for godsakes, direct it at the right people. She's screaming at her own kids for acknowledging their father. Whatever a bad husband he may be, he is a good father and I don't think it's right for her to try to destroy that. In the end, I think her kids will end up hating her for it, so it's just hurtful all around.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Ok, here's the thing. My kids didn't understand what she said and probably won't remember it, thankfully. Sooner or later I know they'll find out and I will have to deal with that. At this point, just having some crazy stranger screaming at your mom is scary. And please also understand I've had NO contact with her kids, and for what it's worth I've tried to protect them in as much as I can. It's not about her feeling some responsibility for my kids, it's about when you plan to pick a fight, and you see them with their kids, that cools the jets of most normal people. For instance, as much as I wanted to choke her yesterday, I asked the cop specifically to call instead of going there so as not to upset their kids. And yeah, trying to run me over, harassing and stalking me IS ILLEGAL last I checked. Me having an affair with her husband may be a lot of unflattering things, but not illegal. Again I expect the anger and the yelling, but for godsakes, direct it at the right people. She's screaming at her own kids for acknowledging their father. Whatever a bad husband he may be, he is a good father and I don't think it's right for her to try to destroy that. In the end, I think her kids will end up hating her for it, so it's just hurtful all around. They may very well hate her sometime in the future. But he isn't a good father. He is the man who hurt their mother and disrespected her in a way that was detrimental to the entire family. He set no example of a responsible father much less responsible man.
tami-chan Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 1)I don't agree with the BS, but I did it myself and I was wrong. I was angry and that is how I viewed the person who helped to violate my family. But what would you have her call you that seems to fit the occasion? Other woman? Mistress? 2) As has been repeated over and over by AP on this board, how can you control how you feel? So if she is tearing him down, then she is following his lead of trying to make herself feel better the wrong way. following his lead...? So she is dependent on him for her emotions? Sounds like a winner. 3) Why emotionally abuse them, huh? Again she is wrong to take his lead, but he did that first, by disrespecting their mother and having sex with someone else. Did he give them a choice in that action... nope. Yet she is supposed to put her hurt and pain(as she should)aside and do what is best for her children after you and her H helped to explode their lives with out thoughts to the children's(her's and your's) emotional welfare. She is supposed to take the high road because 2 others took the low road. Yes. Absolutely. She is a mother. There is no rest of the weary, so to speak. She has to put her kids' welfare above all else especially when no one else has. If we react the way everyone acts every time, then all of us are screwed. 4) Thankfully your experience with step families isn't the only template that can be followed. But they have to built on respect and truth, which you chose to ignore from the beginning. You and MM set that tone, not the kids. Difficult road--to rebuild trust and respect but some people have done it.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I thought you said that she was pissed because you and he left all the kids together and went out? Am I mistaken or confused?:confused:And as far as kicking the person she was mad at, I think that's what she was trying to do. I apologize. It was another poster who said that. Again, my apologies.
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I apologize. It was another poster who said that. Again, my apologies. Yeah, not me.
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 1) I was angry and that is how I viewed the person who helped to violate my family. But what would you have her call you that seems to fit the occasion? Again, in her shoes, I'd use the same words for the OW....but I'd do my best to keep a lid on it in front of my kids. She has every right to be pissed but she does not get a free pass to trample her kids emotions to make herself feel better. You have to understand what she does - she asks the kids constantly to confirm that she's prettier than me, she lays in her 10 year old's lap and cries for support (from a 10 year old!!!) and has told her 14 year old that he's the man of the house now and she needs him to take care of her. It's sick sick sick. She has a therapist, she has friends, but she drops them all the second they tell her she's doing something wrong.
fooled once Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Given her escalation and the cumulative nature of her stalking - she hired a PI to investigate me (mostly because she was hoping to find proof I was a call girl or something she could run back to MM with and trash me so he'd come back to her), she watches my comings and goings - she's told MM that she "knows my pattern" (Creepy!), she watches my mail and my trash - and there have been other occasions where she's driven by and waved when he still lived there - basically a bitchy "I won" gesture, I feel I have to be more proactive in protecting myself. I actually have to take my garbage across town because I'm so annoyed with this tendency of hers. And what is she hoping to find anyway? So a wave is a bad thing? She goes through your trash? You have seen her do this? She "tried to run you over"? Really or are you exaggerating? If she really did do this, why didn't you file a police report? And yeah, trying to run me over, harassing and stalking me IS ILLEGAL last I checked. Me having an affair with her husband may be a lot of unflattering things, but not illegal No, but is is immoral. Especially since you are still having an affair with HER husband. And HER husband still spends the night with her and you know it yet you continue to date him. How is she harassing you? By waving? By knowing your 'patterns'? What is illegal about that? Don't OW 'stalk' the MM they date by knowing their patterns? And you want HER blamed for HER behavior? Maybe she was under the impression her marriage was fine? Maybe by her husband's actions, she thought there were no issues in the marriage? It has already been established the MM you are sleeping with is a coward, a liar and emotionally abusive. Yet, you are thinking of a future with him? This is what you want your children around? Really? Great role model Yep, it is all her fault her husband cheated on her. Yep, she should be accepting it with grace. Yep, it shouldn't upset her that a contractor told her that YOU were in her home. You are right. It may take her days/weeks/months/years to get over the betrayal of her husband -- and maybe she feels like YOU are throwing it in her face because you CONTINUE to see him? Yes, she is hurt and rightfully so. YOU have no idea how their marriage was; except from what HER husband tells you --- you know, the liar, the cheat and the emotionally abusive man. I find it outrageous, knowing what you DO know about him, that you still want a future with him. He isn't divorced. Hell, he isn't even separated LOL - he still sleeps over there. And he has told you basically he will do whatever he wants; or at least his actions show you that. His actions and words show you what a coward he is. Yet, you find this all attractive????
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Again, in her shoes, I'd use the same words for the OW....but I'd do my best to keep a lid on it in front of my kids. She has every right to be pissed but she does not get a free pass to trample her kids emotions to make herself feel better. You have to understand what she does - she asks the kids constantly to confirm that she's prettier than me, she lays in her 10 year old's lap and cries for support (from a 10 year old!!!) and has told her 14 year old that he's the man of the house now and she needs him to take care of her. It's sick sick sick. She has a therapist, she has friends, but she drops them all the second they tell her she's doing something wrong. And how would you know this? Are you there or are you getting these choice tidbits from the steaming pile she is married to?
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 And how would you know this? Are you there or are you getting these choice tidbits from the steaming pile she is married to? gotcha. touche.
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 So a wave is a bad thing? When it was intended to be bitchy, yeah it is. I've ignored her whenever I see her so as not to rub it in her face, and what she did was lame. We weren't friends, she didn't know I existed in the neighborhood before this. It was NOT a gesture of good will. She goes through your trash? You have seen her do this? The neighbors have. She "tried to run you over"? Really or are you exaggerating? If she really did do this, why didn't you file a police report? I explained this in an earlier post in this thread, see above. No, but is is immoral. Especially since you are still having an affair with HER husband. And HER husband still spends the night with her and you know it yet you continue to date him. Again, that stopped a couple weeks ago, and it was only once a week or so because he missed waking up with the kids (according to him anyway). How is she harassing you? By waving? By knowing your 'patterns'? What is illegal about that? Don't OW 'stalk' the MM they date by knowing their patterns? She shouldn't be going by my house enough to know my patterns. She watches what lights are on when, etc. By checking out my mail, by screamung at me in the street, yeah I DO think that's harrassment. The police do too. And you want HER blamed for HER behavior? Maybe she was under the impression her marriage was fine? Maybe by her husband's actions, she thought there were no issues in the marriage? She acknowledges that she smothered the hell out of him in her calmer moments and acknowledges problems going back 7 years. Miraculously, even though he and I didn't know each other then, somehow she's made that my fault too. It has already been established the MM you are sleeping with is a coward, a liar and emotionally abusive. Yet, you are thinking of a future with him? This is what you want your children around? Really? Great role model I know I know. I don't fully understand it myself. Yep, it is all her fault her husband cheated on her. Yep, she should be accepting it with grace. Yep, it shouldn't upset her that a contractor told her that YOU were in her home. You are right. No way, I never said that. It's his choice, but it's also possible she contributed to problems that led to his affair. That doesn't make the affair her fault, only a portion of the marital woes. It may take her days/weeks/months/years to get over the betrayal of her husband -- and maybe she feels like YOU are throwing it in her face because you CONTINUE to see him? Maybe she does. But since we've been outed, what would be the point of breaking it off unless he plans to go back - and he claims he doesn't. We try to keep it super low-key to avoid rubbing it in her face.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 She acknowledges smothering him, according to him. He is such a wealth of info about her actions, but was too big a pansy to tell her he was cheating or leave before he did.
herenow Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I find it interesting that you feel the BW's behavior is inappropriate. That type of attitude tells a lot about you IMO.
lkjh Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I find it interesting that you feel the BW's behavior is inappropriate. That type of attitude tells a lot about you IMO. Some people just blame others and fail to see how wrong they are
Heather1 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 It seems like they've both put you in the middle of their drama. He knows how she is, and he put you both in a bad spot. Crazy people make you feel crazy. Misty, I totally understand. We're human & you're really beating yourself up & thinking you deserve all this. Then your getting these people on the posts driving it home, which I don't understand at all. All you can do is handle how you react from here on out. The only public incident I've ever seen was at a parent party one night. The W was having an A, the H was drunk and in the pool with the swim coach (drunk too) and they were both fully clothed at 5pm. The H had pretty much lost it & his W walked in, saw him & walked right back out. They got a D right after that. A month later we saw him w/ the kids and he looked SO HAPPY! I'd never seen him like that, like a black cloud lifted. He's been happy dating super models ever since. She's stuck w/ a 3 year old in her 40's w/ the new man & her kids are in college. Let her be angry, but protect yourself. The "winner" may not turn out how any of you expect (meaning hopefully you'll both dump the cause of so much pain?)
ForumFool Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 First I want to say I am sorry you put yourself and kids in danger ...be careful. I wanted also to point a few things out so you can see them away from all the talk in here and think on them You keep saying she has no right to do this and that with HER kids...who gave you that right? Her kids are none of your business You have stated her kids say this and that but how do you know what they said?. You never met them and have stated mm wants to wait for you and the kids to meet...um did it ever hit you maybe THEY know..kids arent stupid..and KNEW before mom started yelling things..if she did....and they hate you and think you are a whore all on their own? Did it ever enter your mind they just may not LIKE their dad all on their own? You have posted in this thread a few times how MM makes you crazy and you know he must have done so to her.......and then you mention YOU HID in a closet while he gaslighted her over YOUR panties Holy cow...how can you live with yourself? You watched the man mess with someone's head and let it pass...and now you wonder why she has lost her mind...You allowed your honey of a man to mess with another human beings head and you wonder why this is coming back to bite you and your kids. He sleeps with his wife....still..... You left your marriage before you messed around as to do it right...showing some sense of integrety but yet you didn't DEMAND the same from this dude? YOU PLAYED WITH FIRE AND ..when you do... you know what....the house burns and everthing in it...thus you set your kids up.....Get rid of the dude and keep your legs together...keep out of closets ...that is retarded crack ho type behavior....and your kids will not be put in dangerous situations. YOU ....YOU made the choice to date a man who was not as single as you were...IF you had said NO get a divorce first....your kids would not have to hear what a whore you are and whatever else she yelled out the window....If you had broken up with him when you heard him emotionally abuse his wife while you were in the closet....this would not be happening.....Didn't the word CREEP cross your mind?....I don't feel sorry for you because you are reaping what you sowed. I feel sorry for his wife...she was emotionally abused by both of you. (HINT: Think back to hiding in the closet allowing this gem of a MM to gaslight his wife over your panties.....that was despicable of YOU as well as MM)
ForumFool Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I pulled this up and made it bold to show you what a gem you have in MM and well to point out how cruel you are too and how she may be looking back at all this and has cracked... I know..I know YOU apologized...sigh as IF that even touches this shyt Oh and I bet he is great with his kids he sounds like such a kind person I'm glad to hear you say that. He's been trying really hard to tell me that those precise actions are not misleading and I think they absolutely are. He's good at making me think I'm crazy. (He does it to her too - once convinced her she was seeing things when she found one of my undergarments on the floor in his office - I was hiding in a closet when she walked in and I had accidentally dropped them from the pile of clothes I was carrying in the rush.) Now, supposedly his slow extracation is because he wanted to take it slow to "cushion" the impact, but I think it in fact aggravates the hell out of it. I also think it's nonsense because it appears like he wants to keep her on as plan B in case it doesn't work out with me. That's also interesting. Now that you say that, I can think of a few things I need to look at. He has told her that he's in love with me and that I tried to break it off and all these things to supposedly take the blame off me, but maybe his telling the W that he's in love with me is actually designed to place me in the line of fire. He set up a competition in these communications with her - he tells her that I've always been good to him , etc - which of course implies that she has not been. Is that throwing me under the bus then? In looking over my history, I've tended to pick out men that put out a "rescue me" vibe. As you might imagine it doesn't ever work out because I get tired of rescuing and want a equal partner. Gotta work on the radar.....
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I think you've ingratiated yourself enough into this man's life to see he's clearly playing both of you. Why are you falling for it, there are SINGLE men out there. You left your marriage supposedly bad one for it, all this drama and potential violence is this man really worth it in the long run? I mean dam, all this for one guy? Really?
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Some people just blame others and fail to see how wrong they are OMG. Hey maybe we're both wrong --- Good God, can we consider that instead of flogging me? Of course, that can't possibly be the case, she's obviously Virgina Mary. Hurting her children is perfectly ok. What WAS I thinking?
Author MistyK Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 I feel sorry for his wife...she was emotionally abused by both of you. (HINT: Think back to hiding in the closet allowing this gem of a MM to gaslight his wife over your panties.....that was despicable of YOU as well as MM) The KIDS were were with. You wanted me to spring from the closet I suppose. Is that OK? Cause I think that's much worse. But hey, ANYTHING I Do must be wrong as I'm clearly a wanton whore. Thanks so much for pointing that out. That's so terribly helpful.
LaGazelle Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 It seems like they've both put you in the middle of their drama. He knows how she is, and he put you both in a bad spot. Crazy people make you feel crazy. Misty, I totally understand. We're human & you're really beating yourself up & thinking you deserve all this. Then your getting these people on the posts driving it home, which I don't understand at all. All you can do is handle how you react from here on out. The only public incident I've ever seen was at a parent party one night. The W was having an A, the H was drunk and in the pool with the swim coach (drunk too) and they were both fully clothed at 5pm. The H had pretty much lost it & his W walked in, saw him & walked right back out. They got a D right after that. A month later we saw him w/ the kids and he looked SO HAPPY! I'd never seen him like that, like a black cloud lifted. He's been happy dating super models ever since. She's stuck w/ a 3 year old in her 40's w/ the new man & her kids are in college. Let her be angry, but protect yourself. The "winner" may not turn out how any of you expect (meaning hopefully you'll both dump the cause of so much pain?) It never ceases to amaze me how women enjoy the suffering of other women so much. The wife was definitely wrong to have an affair and has undoubtedly brought the resulting pain on herself, but why all the schadenfreude about her being "stuck with a 3 year old and kids in college"! My goodness. Only men should have 3 y-o kids at that age right!? Oooh...what a great outcome - the man is free to be the player he deserves to be while the "b*tch" gets what she deserves, right? Women are always to blame and should be punished, right!? Good heavens! This is just so terribly sad especially coming from a woman.
LaGazelle Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Ok, here's the thing. My kids didn't understand what she said and probably won't remember it, thankfully. Sooner or later I know they'll find out and I will have to deal with that. At this point, just having some crazy stranger screaming at your mom is scary. And please also understand I've had NO contact with her kids, and for what it's worth I've tried to protect them in as much as I can. It's not about her feeling some responsibility for my kids, it's about when you plan to pick a fight, and you see them with their kids, that cools the jets of most normal people. For instance, as much as I wanted to choke her yesterday, I asked the cop specifically to call instead of going there so as not to upset their kids. And yeah, trying to run me over, harassing and stalking me IS ILLEGAL last I checked. Me having an affair with her husband may be a lot of unflattering things, but not illegal. Again I expect the anger and the yelling, but for godsakes, direct it at the right people. She's screaming at her own kids for acknowledging their father. Whatever a bad husband he may be, he is a good father and I don't think it's right for her to try to destroy that. In the end, I think her kids will end up hating her for it, so it's just hurtful all around. Misty, I understand your anger at the involvement of your kids, but really your anger is a bit hypocritical. Perhaps when you wanted to intrude their marriage (albeit with the MM's permission) and you saw "them with their kids" you should have let that "cool the jets off" you. Or are you not normal!? What happened to your kids was horrible, but you should be at least twice as angry with yourself and MM as you are with her, because you 2 chose to risk inflicting the damage on your own kids. Let her know you will not tolerate her behaviour and let her know you will report her, or just report her. However, acting like you are a victim in all this is hypocritical, when your children are suffering because of your own actions. Finally, yes it is illegal for her to try to run you over, so deal with it through the appropriate legal channels. However, since when is the law the only barometer for appropriate behaviour?! The law is there primarily because many people fail to behave appropriately and need to be policed. Your comparison is again proof of how you are trying to evade culpability, when you should woman up and deal effectively and decisively with the repercussions of your wilful actions. Protect your children and best of luck.
Recommended Posts