marty7 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 My girlfriend and I agreed to try to have a baby. And we would get married if she was pregnant. Before I agreed, i asked if her health was ok and she said "yes." This is because i wanted a high chance for a healthy baby. She is now 15 weeks pregnant and I am now learning about major health issues that might impact the quality of her life and the baby's(she knew about these issues before). I feel this was a bait and switch act, as I now do not want the baby or her as a wife. I feel conned into this pregnancy by someone that is not very healthy. I feel very betrayed, but feel responsible for the baby. Should I tell her that i will take care of the baby but not her? Would you forgive her? Thanks
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 What are the health issues? Hard to say without knowing what they are.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 My girlfriend and I agreed to try to have a baby. And we would get married if she was pregnant. Before I agreed, i asked if her health was ok and she said "yes." This is because i wanted a high chance for a healthy baby. She is now 15 weeks pregnant and I am now learning about major health issues that might impact the quality of her life and the baby's(she knew about these issues before). I feel this was a bait and switch act, as I now do not want the baby or her as a wife. I feel conned into this pregnancy by someone that is not very healthy. I feel very betrayed, but feel responsible for the baby. Should I tell her that i will take care of the baby but not her? Would you forgive her? Thanks That has to be the most selfish thing I have read on here so far. Don't blame the baby for what your wife has done. It's still your flesh and blood. 1
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 She isn't his wife. But he is still being selfish- many women with health problems have healthy babies. And many healthy women have babies with health problems. So by automatically wanting out because she has an as yet undisclosed health problem- he sounds pretty selfish right now.
Author marty7 Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 there are 2 main health problems: 1. she previously said she had an injury after birth (umbilical chord tied around her neck), causing some paralysis. since this was after birth, it would not impact the child. but i now learn this was caused before birth, and this could impact the child! 2. she has had chronic uti's (urinary tract infection) and had this during the 1st trimester but hid it from me. it was not treated, meaning it could impact the baby. it was just diagnosed as the prior uti readings were contaminated. she did not want me to know about the uti's as i would not want her to be pregnant. her chronic uti's led to sepsis last fall and almost killed her, so naturally i want to know about this her health deceptions were the only reason i agreed to get her pregnant. so acted selfishly to get pregnant without me knowing the issues
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Just read Marty7s other thread, and in THAT one he said that the conception was a mistake, not that they agreed to "try for a baby". And he said he knew about the health problems prior to the conception of the baby, as he broke up with his GF because of it, and then she became pregnant afterwards when she "seduced him". Something doesn't smell right here.......
xpaperxcutx Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 She isn't his wife. But he is still being selfish- many women with health problems have healthy babies. And many healthy women have babies with health problems. So by automatically wanting out because she has an as yet undisclosed health problem- he sounds pretty selfish right now. That's even worse. He's giving himself an excuse to back out of supporting his gf who's pregnant. 1
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 there are 2 main health problems: 1. she previously said she had an injury after birth (umbilical chord tied around her neck), causing some paralysis. since this was after birth, it would not impact the child. but i now learn this was caused before birth, and this could impact the child! 2. she has had chronic uti's (urinary tract infection) and had this during the 1st trimester but hid it from me. it was not treated, meaning it could impact the baby. it was just diagnosed as the prior uti readings were contaminated. she did not want me to know about the uti's as i would not want her to be pregnant. her chronic uti's led to sepsis last fall and almost killed her, so naturally i want to know about this her health deceptions were the only reason i agreed to get her pregnant. so acted selfishly to get pregnant without me knowing the issues OK, whatever the story is, if you are going to be a father you need to grow up and fast. You also need to educate yourself on pregnancy and babies a little more. Problem 1. The umbilical cord would have been around her neck before, during and directly AFTER birth, but pretty soon after birth the umbilical cord is removed from the baby altogether. It happens to babies and isn't that uncommon. There are ways of monitoring it and if it gets serious, then the doctors and midwives will usually do an emergency C-section to get the baby out. As long as your GF is functioning normally now, there is no problem and there is NO WAY you can have any control over whether or not this will happen to her baby. If this had happened to me, I probably wouldn't make a point of disclosing it to my H as its not relevant to my current pregnancy. problem 2: Yes, untreated UTIs can have an impact on a baby BUT I assume she will be getting regular medical care during her pregnancy and there are quite a few tests that exist to make sure a pregnancy is progressing normally. And if she is seeing a health professional regularly they will be able to deal with it if it happens again. Again- not a major deal. Here I was thinking she hadn't told you she had Hep C or HIV or something.
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 That's even worse. He's giving himself an excuse to back out of supporting his gf who's pregnant. read his other thread Paper- the whole story is just..... delightful.
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 You know, he could actually be doing her a favour if he buggers off. If he is this disloyal, mistrusting and paranoid she is probably better off having a baby without his poisonous influence.
Author marty7 Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Ok, my relationship with her is WAYYY too complicated to explain in a quick thread. My therapist and close friends are overwhelmed by the complexities. I don't want to bother everyone with the readers digest version of how this happened. Anyway, I will support the kid 100%. The dr. may indicate next week there could be problems, and if this is the case i will push for an abortion. if the dr. does not indicate there are problems, i will tell my gf i feel betrayed and i will stand by her during the pregnancy, and will take care of the kid. but i am unsure i can forgive her. does anyone disagree with this approach?
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Yes. I do. Not in the least that even though you are only giving us the "shortened" version, neither version on either of your threads actually matches the other one. Its HIGHLY unlikely that there are going to be major problems diagnosed from what you have said, and "pushing for an abortion" is quite frankly, disgusting. Yes, you are the father, and therefore should have some say in the upbringing of your child. But you cannot MAKE someone have an abortion, especially as you have indicated you are far from well educated on the subject matter at hand. If you think this is bad, wait until you actually have a child. Do you think you are mature enough to be a good and responsible parent? I don't. I think you are far too obsessed with your own petty grievances to see the big picture. Your poor GF is all I can say. Pregnancy is hard enough when you have a loving supportive husband by your side like I do. I can only imagine how crap it must be when the father of the child is a blinkered, selfish, ill- informed so and so.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Maybe you should have tried dating her long enough to know yourself whether she had health issues before agreeing to create a human life with her. As it stands, it looks like you're both stuck with a kid. You have no choice in that matter at this point. If this was a make-or-break agreement, perhaps you should have gotten the terms down on paper. I think it's unfortunate that she felt she had to lie to keep you. 1
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all to be raising a child in. IMO, 2 parents with mental health issues separated and getting intensive help are better than 2 together bickering. "Extensive" health issues. Good grief.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 After reading your other thread, your gf didn't lie to you, as much as she decided to omit her health history. You seem to be very stuck up on her health, why is that? Obviously, it takes two to make a baby, and since you've already conceived, you should put aside your selfish needs and demands and worry about the health of the baby and the wife. You seem to like pushing the blame on her. And why can't you write down the entire story? If we're willing to give advice, we're willing to read whatever it is you have to write. So please write out your entire story if you feel our responses are contemptuous.
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Agreed Soul Search. I am having my first child this year, and my H and I are in a normal, loving marriage with supportive families- and we are under no illusions that having a new baby is going to be easy on either us or our marriage at times. Our own wants and needs are going to have to come second place alot if not most of the time. MY own wants/needs are already second place to that of my unborn child. And when I think about how many couples that are out there that desperately want children and will be able to provide them with loving, stable homes, but can't have children (for REAL medical reasons).... well..... threads like this just make me mad. :mad:
Jilly Bean Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Am I the only one who finds this story to be, well, disgusting? 1
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 No, I think we all do. I definitely do! (see prev posts). The only person who seems to think the whole story is totally normal and fine is the OP.
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Or do you mean with respect to the GFs behaviour JB? In all honesty I only really have an opinion on the OPs attitude and comments in this thread, seeing as the actual true story as told in this and his other thread are a bit contradictory and its hard to know what to believe about the GF.
Jilly Bean Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Or do you mean with respect to the GFs behaviour JB? In all honesty I only really have an opinion on the OPs attitude and comments in this thread, seeing as the actual true story as told in this and his other thread are a bit contradictory and its hard to know what to believe about the GF. No, I meant everything you wrote above. That he lied about the events, that he sounds like a total controlling heel, that he's flipped out about the BAD health of his unborn, that he would PUSH for an abortion. All of it is ridiculously heinous and disturbing. Let's hope the GF gets a clue, dumps his butt, and has the baby on her own. Personally, I'd not want my child around the OP with this attitude.
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Let's hope the GF gets a clue, dumps his butt, and has the baby on her own. Personally, I'd not want my child around the OP with this attitude. Me either. I think she is better off on her own, and I don't say that lightly, because I think being on your own and pregnant must be pretty scary. In this case I think its the lesser of the two evils though.
Jilly Bean Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Me either. I think she is better off on her own, and I don't say that lightly, because I think being on your own and pregnant must be pretty scary. In this case I think its the lesser of the two evils though. Agreed. But, I envision every time the child gets a headcold, he will go off on her on some irrational rant about how she trapped into having a sickly child. It's all so gruesome. We're talking about his KID and he's talking about pushing for an abortion because the Mom had the cord wrapped around her neck. Oy.
Author marty7 Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 OK, whatever the story is, if you are going to be a father you need to grow up and fast. You also need to educate yourself on pregnancy and babies a little more. Problem 1. The umbilical cord would have been around her neck before, during and directly AFTER birth, but pretty soon after birth the umbilical cord is removed from the baby altogether. It happens to babies and isn't that uncommon. There are ways of monitoring it and if it gets serious, then the doctors and midwives will usually do an emergency C-section to get the baby out. As long as your GF is functioning normally now, there is no problem and there is NO WAY you can have any control over whether or not this will happen to her baby. If this had happened to me, I probably wouldn't make a point of disclosing it to my H as its not relevant to my current pregnancy. problem 2: Yes, untreated UTIs can have an impact on a baby BUT I assume she will be getting regular medical care during her pregnancy and there are quite a few tests that exist to make sure a pregnancy is progressing normally. And if she is seeing a health professional regularly they will be able to deal with it if it happens again. Again- not a major deal. Here I was thinking she hadn't told you she had Hep C or HIV or something. SB, For my knowledge, if a baby has an umbilical chord tied around its neck before/after its born (causing some paralysis), you say that would not impact the child of that child? did i read your comments correctly? this caused cp (cerebral palsy) in the baby, which is in the mother of my child. the mother has always told me this will not impact the baby, but she is now telling me that it might. what are your thoughts from a medical perspective? and from a relationship perspective, do you understand why i consider this bait and switch? do you think i was betrayed/deceived? i will be there for the kid...just not sure about her as i feel betrayed. also, there are chromosone abnormalities that we will get confirmation on this week. she does not want the baby if the problems may be major. if the problems could be major, i will push for an abortion. am concerned about my health too appreciate your frank input
sb129 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I don't know the full extent of your GFs health- you didn't mention CP until now. You are telling the story, mate, and it keeps changing. We can only go on what you tell us on here. CP is not inherited. Chances of your child getting it are the same as any other baby born to healthy parents. You must have known she had CP when you were together- unless its a very mild form of CP. Why are you concerned about YOUR health? Are there even more facets to this story you are not telling us? Your health shouldn't matter at this point as long as you have given the doctors a full disclosure of your medical and family medical history. And no, I don't see why you should feel betrayed. In one thread you said she tricked you into sleeping with her, and in the other you said you were going to "try for a baby". Big difference. So there isn't much sympathy for your side of the story unfortunately. Why don't you hold off making big sweeping statements about abortion and betrayal etc etc until you have some actual facts about the health status of your unborn child and MOST IMPORTANTLY get some genuine professional medical advice on the whole situation.
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