janden Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I am a 47 year old single woman who recently became involved with a married man. I work both a full & a part-time job & I met him at the facility where I work PT as he brought his child there for lessons. We developed a very strong friendship and he began dropping subtle hints that he was interested in more. I fought this for some time, as I had no intention of going down this dark, dead-end road, but as her lessons drew to a close the thought of not seeing him or talking to him sent me into panic-mode, so I caved in. I really didn't expect to become so attached to him so quickly as I haven't been in a relationship for some time now, but I am now falling in love with him. They have 3 children, 18, 16 & 9. He recently lost his job due to the economy and they have serious money issues. Those were the reasons he cited when I asked him why he is still married because he has alot of anger towards his wife about the money issues, and it SEEMS he is genuinely unhappy in his marriage, but he is an awesome father. I don't think he initially got into this whole thing just for the sex - it doesn't happen all that frequently due to his home commitments & my work schedule. But he calls almost every day, some days several times a day. The part that is confusing me is that he always calls me after he & his wife have a big argument - like today. It's his son's graduation party so I didn't expect to hear from him at all. But he calls to tell me he hung up on his wife because she went overboard on spending for this party, etc. etc. And he wanted to know where I was at, as he was right up the street from where I live (I assume he wanted to come over for a few minutes as that seems to happen alot when they fight). Fortunately, I wasn't at home when he called. My head is literally SCREAMING for me to get out of this situation but I can't seem to make myself do it. I find myself crying over him like a lovesick school girl! It's so ridiculous. He made the comment today that suggested if they could get their money issues resolved that will fix everything. Meaning I guess their marriage problems would be solved. Which I guess should be an even bigger red flag than the ones I already know about. I'm starting to feel like a marriage counselor to him, and it's not a good feeling. I'm thankful to have found this forum, being able to share & read other people's stories is very therapeutic.
OpenBook Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Hi janden, and welcome to LS! I'm assuming that since you posted this thread, you are looking for feedback on your situation (instead of just venting)?? If so, I think your MM is looking for a distraction, ANY distraction from his current troubles. I do not believe that he has any intention of leaving his W or marriage. He is not looking beyond the end of his nose right now. I think your instincts screaming to run away from this mess are correct, and you should heed them. Good luck!
Athena Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 You are inviting Trouble and Heartache into your life with this MM. My advice is to end the relationship now, as hard as it may be for you, since it will only get worse the longer the two of you stay involved....
StoptheDrama Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Janden - It may be wise to listen to your gut and heed its warning. If you have any indication that you should get out now, then you should do so. If not, I fear your situation will become more than you signed up for; you will regret not leaving when you had the opportunity and it was much easier. Best of luck to you!
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 He is using you as the crutch with which to prop up his marriage. He may feel affection for you, love you even - but you must understand: he wants an affair, not a divorce. That said - your options are limited: continue to be the OW indefinitely until he gets bored or busted, or walk away and find some genuine happiness for yourself.
Author janden Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Thank you all for your replies. I go over & over the "it's over" speech in my head - then as soon as I hear his voice - I lose all reason. I'm just now starting to read through the archives so I'd like to ask a general (probably stupid) question...has anyone had the experience of being in an affair where the other person really truly was unhappy & was really looking for someone to build a stable, lasting relationship with? I know what all the "self help" books would say - overwhelmingly no. I want to know what people who have lived it say.
SidLyon Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I'm here because I'm a BW not an OW. I've never been an OW but in a previous long term relationship (not a marriage) I was unfaithful with a single man. This served as an exit means, as I was unhappy in the primary relationship. The A had ended before I even left the main relationship so I didn't leave "for" the OM. I'm not at all proud of this and vowed when I married to never do such a thing again. My H had a very longstanding A with an OW. There's no doubt that he was unhappy in our marriage, that he loved her and that he wanted their relationship to go on indefinitely. But equally he wasn't willing to make her his primary partner. The unexpected death of her H last year (nearly 7 years later) really threw a spanner in the works - it changed the dynamics and it seems she no longer wanted to be just the OW. I found out a few months later and my H did what he'd always planned to do if I ever found out - he ended it with her. After reading so many stories on LS I've come to the conclusion that the way my H felt about the whole thing is not a lot different from many men who are in long term As. It seems the degree to which they tell the OW the truth varies considerably though. My H certainly used the "staying for the sake of the kids" line as it was an easy reason to give her for not wanting to break up with me. My H certainly shared fantasies about riding away over the horizon with her, but from speaking with her she was clear that it was just a fantasy despite the fact that they believed they shared love. Some MM are completely deceptive/manipulative with their OW and I do feel sorry when they come on this forum with their heart-rending stories, although very few seem to realise that the deception practiced on the BW is just as bad. I should stress though that it is still my belief that there are fundamental problems with the idea of building a stable loving relationship with a MM and with someone who feels this is acceptable or desirable. Yes; as a BW I am looking to do exactly that ie rebuild a relationship (my marriage) with a man who has completely deceived/betrayed/manipulated me but unlike most OW I didn't choose the situation and would never have willingly gone into such a situation. Maybe I'm wrong and deceiving myself as to the likelihood we will be successful - if he had continued to waver between us both then I would have given up a long time ago. My advice (and I know you haven't directly asked) is to only stay in the A if you have your eyes open to the likelihood that it will aways be just an A. If you want to stay in the A for "more" then you are almost certainly going to get more but it will be truly awful for you. If you decide to stay then get him to make the verbal commitment and ensure he starts acting on it immediately. Don't accept excuses like kids, finances or whatever. These are excuses not reasons. S
MistyK Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 It sounds like you believe this MM's unhappiness with his W stems primarily from money issues. There may be more to it - in my case the money issues were symptomatic of a basic lack of respect and passive aggressiveness from other things between my MM and his W. But maybe there's not. And if so, I can't imagine it feels good to essentially have a "price" on your head - that MM feels money is more important than you. If money is truly that important to him, Divorce is probably not even on his radar. Divorces are expensive, there's just no way around that. Personally, having an MM that also felt the need to have me serve as a part time counselor and decrypter of his W's behaviors, I understand how much this role feels weird and can be exceedingly painful.
MistyK Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Some MM are completely deceptive/manipulative with their OW and I do feel sorry when they come on this forum with their heart-rending stories, although very few seem to realise that the deception practiced on the BW is just as bad. I should stress though that it is still my belief that there are fundamental problems with the idea of building a stable loving relationship with a MM and with someone who feels this is acceptable or desirable. Yes; as a BW I am looking to do exactly that ie rebuild a relationship (my marriage) with a man who has completely deceived/betrayed/manipulated me but unlike most OW I didn't choose the situation and would never have willingly gone into such a situation. Maybe I'm wrong and deceiving myself as to the likelihood we will be successful - if he had continued to waver between us both then I would have given up a long time ago. S Sid, that's not entirely fair. While you certainly did not choose to have your husband betray you, you DID choose to stay in it, despite whatever damage was done. Be it somewhat delusional, I suspect I may not be the only OW who has ended up feeling like the primary relationship and that waffling on the marriage (do I stay or do I go stuff), is almost "cheating" on the OW. I know that sounds ridiculous, but these guys are really good at setting up a dynamic to allow the A to continue....just a thought from another perspective.
SidLyon Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 but unlike most OW I didn't choose the situation and would never have willingly gone into such a situation Sid, that's not entirely fair. While you certainly did not choose to have your husband betray you, you DID choose to stay in it, despite whatever damage was done. Be it somewhat delusional, I suspect I may not be the only OW who has ended up feeling like the primary relationship and that waffling on the marriage (do I stay or do I go stuff), is almost "cheating" on the OW. I know that sounds ridiculous, but these guys are really good at setting up a dynamic to allow the A to continue....just a thought from another perspective. Yes I have chosen to stay despite the extreme damage - I feel (rightly or wrongly) that it's at a considerable cost to what I believe in (that married people should be faithful and should end the marriage if they want to go outside it) and to my self-respect. As we're 7 months out from d-day it's hard for me to tell for sure yet whether we will be successful in rebuilding our marriage. So far so good though. From what my H and the OW told me it seems very little time was spent discussing the respective states of their marriages. And yes yes yes they, or at least my H was, so good at setting the stage to facilitate the A's continuation. S
MizzBlue72 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I am sorry Janden that you have to go through this, and I agree with what some have said here. My opinion: LEAVE this alone -- believe me, before you start to have ANY more feelings for this guy -- leave. Yes - it will hurt at first, but it is better than the alternative. But you have to choose. Good luck - and please keep posting. This forum really helped me -- and I still hurt, but coming back really helps.
sugarmomma Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Sounds like he's using you because you have clearly no boundaries with him. I would tell him not to mention their problems because you only get his side of the story. MM LIE!!!!!! Please save yourself!! I am a FOW and I wouldn't give a MM the time of day today!!! I wish a MM would approach me with those lame azz lines they spew!!! I would eat his azz for lunch!!! RUN! RUN! RUN! Go NC do not talk to him or respond to his calls. He is using you!!!!
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