caz83 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I wont re-tell the story about how me and my ex broke up because you can read it in my other thread if you need to, but in short my boyfriend of 3 years who i lived with left me out of the blue for someone else. This was 2 months ago and we have stayed in contact since then through text messages and him having to pop round to pick up mail etc. When we text its odd because we still get on well and I have stopped that crying etc stuff we just have jokey banter back and forth but every so often he just stops replying half way through a converstation and I wont hear from him for days, then he will start talking to me again and we will have nice text chat and all of a sudden he will just stop again. it like he forgets himself and then suddenly remembers that he shouldnt be getting along with me. Anyway, The last time he came over was 3 weeks ago and I was in a mess and we had a big argument about it all. I said sorry about it and havent mentioned it since. He got some mail the day after that but he has been making excuses to not come and pick it up now for 3 weeks. we still have the jokey friendly text chats but he says 'ill come pick that stuff up up tonight'...then that night texts saying he cant because he is busy with something or another (he never tells me its because he is with her, which I know is probably the reason). But the thing is I am better now, I am no way over it but Im not in the position that I will cry in front of him this time and I want him to see that. I havent mentioned 'us' since that day we had the argument and just want to be his friend now. I dont even think I want him back anymore. but I think that he still thinks I do. Anyway, it happened again today we were having chatty friendly texts all day and he said he will prob come over later...but then text and said he wont beable to make it because he is busy. So I sent him this email Hey. Dont worry this isn't a soppy email like the last one. Its simply just because it will be too long for a text. I know your really busy and everything with ur work, and Im not in any way saying that ur lying or making excuses or whatever. Its just that you have been putting off coming round for 3 weeks now and I just want to let you know that if part of the reason is because you're worried Im going to get all upset and pathetic again like last time, then you really dont have to worry. I'm not over it, because I dont think you really ever get over having your heart broken. But I am over you and in no way am I trying to get you back anymore, even if you wanted to get back together (which I know you have made very clear wont happen) I really wouldn't take you after everything you have done. Im not telling you this to be mean or whatever, I just want you to know that you dont have to be afraid of seeing me or talking to me, and when I text you and stuff now it's not because I am trying to get you back, its just because I am trying to be your friend. I had a really good time at home last week and did alot of healing, I spent lots of time with family and old friends and I even went out on a date. Im not telling you that to try and make you jealous (because I know it wont work) Im just letting you know that I am moving on and you dont have to be afraid that texting me back or popping round will upset me because you dont have that effect or hold over me anymore. Im just trying to be your friend. Yes I am still hurt and it will probably always hurt, but I am moving on. So basically I just wanted to let you know that if part of the reason you dont come round or dont text me back is because you think Ill get all upset and pathetic again, you really dont have to worry. I just want to start being friends and although I wont beable to forgive, I can forget. Caz x I text him and told him I had sent him an email and he read it straight away (because I logged on his email and saw he had opened it) but I have not heard a thing from him. Nothing at all. even though he was only texting me like half an hour before. Why do you think this is? do you think the email might have upset him and made him think about the fact he has actually lost me? or do you think it might have p*ssed him off? or does he just not care? I text him again a couple of hours after I sent it saying 'oh by the way, good luck for your assessment (at uni) tomorrow' but nothing. It was him who was so adamant he wanted to stay friends so I thought this email would be what he wanted to hear.
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 That is a good email.... You shoved the rejection right back in his face!!! I would LOVE to know the outcome of this one (as you can tell, im a little bitter today)
Author caz83 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 haha. I am completely lying and I do want him back...but he doesnt have to know that! I am just wondering about the silence...what is he thinking about it?!
boogieboy Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Hes got a new girl, hes not thinking about you. She probably does for him what you didnt. He dumped you for a reason (in his mind) and when he texts you its probably just to see if you answer just to feed his ego. "Oh yeah I dont have to answer her, but when I text her she answers right away, she still wants me...Im a pimp!" So as long as you keep answering, he still knows you want him. ANd he still wins the battle. Thats why he doesnt finish conversations with you in text, probably his new girl shows up, or he loses interest in talking to you, or he doesnt want you to think he's leading you on to thinking that he will ever get back with you. Especially not now.
Nuala83 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Hi Caz, Although I don't always advocate NC I think in your case it might be worth considering cos it seems to me like he's stringing you along. He's left you for someone else, broken your heart, kept you as a friend and even got you still initiating contact. Not only is this cushioning the blow from the break up but he's getting everything and you're getting nothing! This guy really is having his cake and eating it too. He totally realises that you want him back despite what you said in your email so he's getting an ego boost too. Lucky him. It might be an idea to cease contact with him for a while, forget any mention of picking stuff up and put on a brave face. At the very least, stop initiating contact and if you do reply to him, keep your responses, brief and friendly (so you don't come across as bitter but rather indifferent). You don't need to do a dissapearing act but it sounds to me like he's playing you for a fool. Just my interpritation. -Nuala x
Mike B. Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 haha. I am completely lying and I do want him back...but he doesnt have to know that! I am just wondering about the silence...what is he thinking about it?! Of course you do and it is okay to have those feelings but he left you for someone else so I wouldn't keep the porch lights on. I think you know that it is impossible for us to know what he is thinking. Matter-of-fact, since you know him and none of us do, you are the best one to come up with the answer to that question. He didn't respond to your email and I think that is a great move on his part. He is going No Contact for now which I advise that you do as well. Why do I think it is a great move on his part? I think this because if he responds to your email right now, he will likely say something that can be used against him later. I feel that you would be better off if you did the same. These long emails filled with raw emotions and a lot of what we "did not mean to say" towards the beginning of a break up or argument seem to never help us. They only get thrown back into our faces later. He will throw your words back into your face later and if you take him back despite what your email said, your words will have less meaning in the future. Now, he got the No contact thing going for him here by not responding to your email and you can see the beauty of it. He has you crawling up the wall wondering about him and preoccupied with wondering what he is thinking. If only it was the other way around, right? It can be. Don't contact him anymore. Send him no more emails or text messages. After 2 months, his mail should have been forwarded. He needs to forward it so you don't have to continously start from square one every time you see or hear from him. His friend or someone can pick up his mail until then. Stop the texts messages and every thing. He will start to wonder about you. Our ego tends to take a dent when someone stops contacting us even if we are the ones that break it off. We miss having someone going crazy over us and seeing that they have moved on kind of make us feel wierd and miss that puppy dog attention. He can't miss you if you don't leave him alone. Anyway, I hope you feel better about all of this soon. Good luck!
boogieboy Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Yeah you want to be friends with him, but you dont REALLY wanna be friends. Your intentions arent platonic. You are only stringing yourself along, so you really must cut contact with him, and forget about him.
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I dont know, as I am in YOUR position. I want to write an email like that too, a kind of **** off, but lets be friends email. Only i pushed and pushed for reconciliation so much, that it pissed her off badly, and she has said NEVER!!! Now we dont talk. I would love to know what he (your ex) is feeling right now. But for one I can say that he (your ex) is feeling rejected. If I were you, I would now stay in NC (no contact) and wait for him to make the next move....dont answer his txts to fast, leave them a day or so. things like that. Basicly dont make him a priority in your life, make him feel like he is losing you.
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Really good advice from these other guys here. take it on board
Author caz83 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 It hard. I know everything that everyone says is right, that I should go no contact etc and if this was happening to someone I know then I would tell them to do exactly the same thing. but NC is so so hard I guess I am just hoping someone tells me something else to do that is easier. but I know that is what I need to do. I have tried EVERYTHING to get him back except giving him the chance to miss me. so i know I should do that. but its hard. and because I already did the crying and pleading at the start is it now to late to start NC? (and before any one says, i know NC if meant to be for healing, not to get him back....but I want him back.)
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I did ALL the begging and pleading too... It didnt work. You and me, and a whole host of others are in the same boat now. The ONLY thing you can do is NC. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191870/ start posting here for the next 30 days I want my ex back too, more than anything. But look at it like this, as long as you are NC, he will get the chance to miss you, you will get the chance to become stronger, and you KNOW that you cant say or do anything that will make it worse. You will get urges, and I implore you...no ...actually I command you to post here BEFORE you send him ANYTHING, and heed the advice of peoples advice on it. Think of this place now, as i secratary for your ex.
Mike B. Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 It hard. I know everything that everyone says is right, that I should go no contact etc and if this was happening to someone I know then I would tell them to do exactly the same thing. but NC is so so hard I guess I am just hoping someone tells me something else to do that is easier. but I know that is what I need to do. I have tried EVERYTHING to get him back except giving him the chance to miss me. so i know I should do that. but its hard. and because I already did the crying and pleading at the start is it now to late to start NC? (and before any one says, i know NC if meant to be for healing, not to get him back....but I want him back.) Well, No Contact can be a two-trick pony but the other trick is not advertised too much so as to not cause confusion or potentially disappoint you even more. One, No contact is the best and easiest way to get over a heartbreak. Use it for healing and the intention to move on. Two, it can serve as a great chance to get your ex back if it is at all possible to get them back (considering that you are the one who screwed up). The nice trick about this is that once you fully buy into No Contact, by the time your ex may show signs of wanting you back, you will have probably have gotten over him by the time and moved on to another relationship. Either way, the best method is no contact. After, thousands and thousands upon more thousands of years of human existence, we have found that this works best. Try it!
Cloudberry Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 No of course it isn't too late for NC. I started out crying hysterically, too. I think many of us did. You say you want him back but are sure that's for the best? There is always the image that others have of us, such as, do you have self-respect or are you more of a doormat who will still want him back after he dumped you for someone else? Even though, deep down you still want him back, you really need to keep that a secret. For him to know that he can treat you that way, and you still want him back, will cause him to think that you don't have a lot of self-respect. That makes your perceived attractiveness plummet, and it makes you look desperate. Your stock is declining, figuratively. This alone is reason enough for you to behave as though you are done with him, and end all contact. Act as though you have self-respect, even if you have to pretend. A person with a healthy level of self-respect would be reluctant to take his sorry ass back. Then, and only then, will there be a slim possibility that he will come back to you and treat you well. Right now you look desperate to him. Stop it! I agree with what Mike B. wrote, also.
desertsun09 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 It's time for you to get mad! Make a list of all the nasty things he's done and the way he's been treating you. I know you said in previous posts that you guys had a solid relationship with little problems, and I'm sure you did, but the person he is now, is not the same person as before. Try to see it like that. If you get to the point where you can start to "hate" him, it will make it so much easier. I am personally trying to work on this. I also get the advice of those on LS, my friends, and family. My mother said she will be so disappointed in me if I ever get back with me ex (not like its my choice) and I try to think about that. My own mother (who wouldn't hurt a fly) despises my ex for what he's done. I try to see it the way my friends and family do.....or think, if I was the one giving advice to a friend in a similar spot, what would I tell them? It's time to get pissed off and stop wanting to please this guy all the time. I did like your email, and I'm sure it was very cathartic to write, but in all honesty, I think he's gonna see right through that and know that you really don't mean it when you say you aren't looking to get back together. It's just an ego thing for him.....don't do this to yourself! You need to get mad and stay mad, and try to stay busy and forget about this loser. I told you before that folks that trample on other people in such a way will always have it coming in the end. I do not think it will last with this other girl because they have betrayed those they supposedly loved and acting so mean to others to try to be together. Things will end badly for them, so just take some satisfaction in that. But in the meantime, while they move on with their dysfunctional relationship, you can meet other guys and begin to move into a healthy relationship, and will be the winner in the end.
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