gorgio Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 I have been in NC for approx. 2 weeks now (there were other periods of NC beforehand that lasted 1-2 weeks). There were multiple breakups (last one being 1-2 months ago) and a rebound guy that she is with (started seeing him before our breakup). I am starting to forgive myself for being the way I was during my relationship with her, and totally understand why she moved on. The connection between us was so great, she claims that she never had such a connection (even with her current guy). Now, being removed from the situation I realize that it's time for me to stop dating around and find someone that I really love and settle down. I think that this has been extremely hard since I was mourning multiple opportunities to be with great girls, I just wasn't ready. Maybe some sort of midlife crisis too ;-) If I could go back in time I would try to give this past relationship a better shot and maybe even get married (if things worked out). During our brief conversations / emails she said that we both need time to recover and that she still misses me and we might give it a new try in the future. I just couldn't handle the pain of staying in LC so I went full NC. I want to send her a final email, explaining that I went NC to work on myself and give her time to decide what she wants. That this breakup was good for me and that it made me realize what I want out of life and that maybe in a few months we will be able to start communicating again. I know we could make it work if I fully committed to that relationship, I just never did. This is the first time in my life I feel that I am ready to get into a serious relationship and go all the way. Any thoughts appreciated.
Dreaming69 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Gorgio, Mate, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My last breakup made me realise I now for the first time am ready to commit and settle .. for good.. But the problem is I want it to be with my ex, and nobody else, but fact is that will never happen and it still eats me up. Especially as my actions are essentially what lead to the breakup.. I had a connection with her I'd never had before. And still believe I wont have that again. It ceratinly messes with my head a bit. Im a completely different man than I was 1 year ago when I first met her. I too have now been going through a midlife crisis.. I guess we have no choice but to learn from our mistakes and not mess up the next potential 'one'. I have certainly learnt some valuable lessons the VERY hard way from this!.. Just took losing someone I loved so dearly to learn them.. Goodluck!.. you are not alone
Land Shark Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 A guy will start to idealize a recently-lost girlfriend when he realizes he is facing a life of singledom and starting over and that he actually misses her. But that doesn't mean what he wants has fundamentally changed. It just means he is feeling a bit desperate and freaked out that maybe the ex is the one who knows what she wants. And it isn't him. The fact is there is no going back. And if you had the chance to go back, you'd handle it exactly the way you did before. There was a reason you acted like you did in the relationship, and that reason hasn't changed. You need to know yourself better so you can gain control over your moments of desperation. She wasn't the one for you. You knew it then, when you were thinking more clearly. You aren't thinking clearly right now. So what you need more than anything is to not think at all. You don't need her.
burning 4 revenge Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 A guy will start to idealize a recently-lost girlfriend when he realizes he is facing a life of singledom and starting over and that he actually misses her. But that doesn't mean what he wants has fundamentally changed. It just means he is feeling a bit desperate and freaked out that maybe the ex is the one who knows what she wants. And it isn't him. The fact is there is no going back. And if you had the chance to go back, you'd handle it exactly the way you did before. There was a reason you acted like you did in the relationship, and that reason hasn't changed. You need to know yourself better so you can gain control over your moments of desperation. She wasn't the one for you. You knew it then, when you were thinking more clearly. You aren't thinking clearly right now. So what you need more than anything is to not think at all. You don't need her.Yeah, well said, but it does hurt to know that even what you don't want doesn't want you I know that sounds childish and selfish, but it's true It's bad enough that you can never get what you really want, but one can accept that they can't get what they really want, but to be kicked in the teeth by what you don't even want saying they don't want you it's rough
Author gorgio Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 A guy will start to idealize a recently-lost girlfriend when he realizes he is facing a life of singledom and starting over and that he actually misses her. But that doesn't mean what he wants has fundamentally changed. It just means he is feeling a bit desperate and freaked out that maybe the ex is the one who knows what she wants. And it isn't him. The fact is there is no going back. And if you had the chance to go back, you'd handle it exactly the way you did before. There was a reason you acted like you did in the relationship, and that reason hasn't changed. You need to know yourself better so you can gain control over your moments of desperation. She wasn't the one for you. You knew it then, when you were thinking more clearly. You aren't thinking clearly right now. So what you need more than anything is to not think at all. You don't need her. I totally agree. I took the time today to reevaluate everything and realized: 1. If she was the one for me I would have kept her 2. It is not only my fault that it didn't work out, she was there too and could have stepped out of the relationship if she didn't like the way it was going 3. If she did come back our relationship would probably be what it was before, because that was the dynamic of the relationship The longer I am in NC the clearer things become. Thanks to everybody on this board for supporting NC :-) Even though it is still painful.
NopeNah Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Well said, Land shark! I was wanting out of my relationship for the past year and never pulled the trigger myself. Then when she left/cheated, I was in complete shock! I know that if we ever got back together it would be the same volatile situation it was when I wanted to leave. Plus, from what i've seen on her part is there's been zero change. Still the angry drunk,money grubbing,selfish person she's always been! She does hide this side of her VERY well in the begining.. I kinda feel sorry for her new guy..haha! There's NO going back!
burning 4 revenge Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Well said, Land shark! I was wanting out of my relationship for the past year and never pulled the trigger myself. Then when she left/cheated, I was in complete shock! I know that if we ever got back together it would be the same volatile situation it was when I wanted to leave. Plus, from what i've seen on her part is there's been zero change. Still the angry drunk,money grubbing,selfish person she's always been! She does hide this side of her VERY well in the begining.. I kinda feel sorry for her new guy..haha! There's NO going back! Well see you didnt really want her. But now youre lonley and you wonder will you be lonely for the rest of your life and thats whats hurting you Ive never actually been hurt by someone Ive really wanted, because Ive never been close enough to be hurt by them Ive only been hurt by what I never wanted to begin with
Author gorgio Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Well see you didnt really want her. But now youre lonley and you wonder will you be lonely for the rest of your life and thats whats hurting you Ive never actually been hurt by someone Ive really wanted, because Ive never been close enough to be hurt by them Ive only been hurt by what I never wanted to begin with So what you are saying is that since I never really wanted her 100% I got hurt? This is all very foreign to me since I was trying to keep some distance but it backfired.
burning 4 revenge Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 So what you are saying is that since I never really wanted her 100% I got hurt? This is all very foreign to me since I was trying to keep some distance but it backfired. No What Im saying is what you already know That you didnt want her 100%, but you got hurt anyways. Because in most cases the pain is more about ego and lonliness than it is about loss of anything valuable to us Heres a bit of advice that I followed a while back and it made me get over the last time I was dumped really quickly....continue to hurt...don't deny your pain...but don't focus that pain on someone you don't care about If youre going to hurt and be a in pain you may was well yearn for and feel pain for the things you really want and cant have and not yearn for the things you ended up settling for and lost If that makes sense..
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