dobler33 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 i'm not sure if this should be posted in the OM/OW section (i am a former WS, affair w MM ended almost 2 months ago) or what, but i'm super sad this morning because my H just left for a 6 week tour. we have been working really hard to rebuild after the EA, and have been amazingly successful. which is wonderful, except that being apart is now that much harder because we've managed to bust through a lot of the walls and defenses we were holding up against each other. i think i feel more lonely now in his absence than i ever did before the affair. i don't fear that i'll lose my mind and try to contact the xOM - god forbid, the idea makes me want to run screaming - but i am aware that before the affair i had gotten so angry at and distant from my H that when he would leave i'd almost be glad; at least i'd get the house to myself. now that the affair is over and my H and i are so much closer, it feels like all the bandaids that anger and distance afford have been ripped off and i'm more exposed than ever to loneliness and sadness. does any of this make sense? i hope so. anyway, i'm just bummed and achey. thanks for listening.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Dobler you need to find an emotional outlet aside from running back to XOM. You need to make new friends, join an activity club, anything to preoccupy yourself so you wouldn't have too much free time to think of anything else.
Author dobler33 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Dobler you need to find an emotional outlet aside from running back to XOM. You need to make new friends, join an activity club, anything to preoccupy yourself so you wouldn't have too much free time to think of anything else. yeah, i'm on my way to church right now (yeah, yeah, i'm an atheist, i just like singing) cause i recently joined the choir for that very reason. i don't have any intention of running back to xOM. i'm aware of increased uncontrolled thoughts about him, but i'm looking at it like a headcold, not a reason to contact him. a passing insanity.....
anne1707 Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Dobler When I was going through the stage you are currently at with thinking about the ex-OM, Owl suggested I watch the following and apply it to my situation. It does work! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=PlayList&p=6B68C3EC0F5CF992&index=0&playnext=1
StoptheDrama Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Dobler, I am so glad that you and your H are making it and appear to be doing very well! I understand how difficult this time can be for you and how vulnerable you are. However, you seem to be handling the situation very well and are aware of your thoughts and emotions and are dealing with them. If you stay strong and continue on your path, it will get easier for you... it has to, right? Staying busy can only help keep your mind off your vulnerability and subsequent thoughts of xOM but when those thoughts surface they need to be addressed and dealt with. And you are doing that admirably! Take pride in your accomplishments - you deserve it! Stay strong!
LaGazelle Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 i'm not sure if this should be posted in the OM/OW section (i am a former WS, affair w MM ended almost 2 months ago) or what, but i'm super sad this morning because my H just left for a 6 week tour. we have been working really hard to rebuild after the EA, and have been amazingly successful. which is wonderful, except that being apart is now that much harder because we've managed to bust through a lot of the walls and defenses we were holding up against each other. i think i feel more lonely now in his absence than i ever did before the affair. i don't fear that i'll lose my mind and try to contact the xOM - god forbid, the idea makes me want to run screaming - but i am aware that before the affair i had gotten so angry at and distant from my H that when he would leave i'd almost be glad; at least i'd get the house to myself. now that the affair is over and my H and i are so much closer, it feels like all the bandaids that anger and distance afford have been ripped off and i'm more exposed than ever to loneliness and sadness. does any of this make sense? i hope so. anyway, i'm just bummed and achey. thanks for listening. Sorry you will be without your husband all that time, but from reading this, I get the impression that you are falling in love with him all over again and just miss him badly. That's super! Absence can indeed make the heart grow fonder. Cherish these moments and don't miss the opp for some naughty phone action WITH HIM!
Author dobler33 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 wow, thanks so much, guys! that actually does make me feel better. i'm sure i'll be sobbing all over this board for the next 6 weeks, so it's nice to feel the support.
delirious Posted June 14, 2009 Posted June 14, 2009 Dob, i really want to support you, but have to arrive at that point yet. I am glad you are happy with H now and working for something better, gives me hope. I wish I could do that. I would like to have gone out with you for a drink, but here's to a virtual drink with you and your future.
Author dobler33 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 Dob, i really want to support you, but have to arrive at that point yet. I am glad you are happy with H now and working for something better, gives me hope. I wish I could do that. I would like to have gone out with you for a drink, but here's to a virtual drink with you and your future. honey, you can only support what you have the strength to carry, and you're still rebuilding your muscles. the fact that you're sending a thought is support enough. i'll keep my hand out to pull you up to where i am, as others have kept their hands out to pull me up to where they are. we're a long chain of people whose hearts have been broken, and we're all getting better. much love and bottoms up, sister.
Owl Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Dobler When I was going through the stage you are currently at with thinking about the ex-OM, Owl suggested I watch the following and apply it to my situation. It does work! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE&feature=PlayList&p=6B68C3EC0F5CF992&index=0&playnext=1 I had completely forgotten about that bit of "advice" I'd given you, Anne. Thanks for reminding me!!!
Owl Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Dobie, I'd like to post my "plan" for dealing with long term seperations with my wife when I was in the military. I'd often go to schools/training/odd deployments during my career, and end up spending weeks/months without my wife and family. Most of the guys I would be with were single...so they were out partying/hooking up, which was NOT my style since I have always been committed to my marriage. Here's a suggestion for you...start doing something for yourself, that your H will also appreciate when he gets back. When I'd go to training in other cities/states without my family, I'd often find a local dojo that taught a similar style of martial arts to what I knew...and I'd spend as much time as I could there, working out/studying/volunteer teaching. I'd also hit the gym, swimming pool, etc... When I'd get home, I'd be in better shape than when I'd left...something BOTH of us could appreciate. Working out like that filled my time, wore me out, occupied my mind and my body to the point I didn't have the time or energy to "get into trouble". It's also a great stress relief, and my wife was always very appreciative of the improvements. Looking at myself now, I think I could use another 2 month 'deployment'...LOL!!
Author dobler33 Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Dobie, I'd like to post my "plan" for dealing with long term seperations with my wife when I was in the military. I'd often go to schools/training/odd deployments during my career, and end up spending weeks/months without my wife and family. Most of the guys I would be with were single...so they were out partying/hooking up, which was NOT my style since I have always been committed to my marriage. Here's a suggestion for you...start doing something for yourself, that your H will also appreciate when he gets back. When I'd go to training in other cities/states without my family, I'd often find a local dojo that taught a similar style of martial arts to what I knew...and I'd spend as much time as I could there, working out/studying/volunteer teaching. I'd also hit the gym, swimming pool, etc... When I'd get home, I'd be in better shape than when I'd left...something BOTH of us could appreciate. Working out like that filled my time, wore me out, occupied my mind and my body to the point I didn't have the time or energy to "get into trouble". It's also a great stress relief, and my wife was always very appreciative of the improvements. Looking at myself now, I think I could use another 2 month 'deployment'...LOL!! i like this idea, owl. i've taken up similar projects - if not physical fitness then some course of research to talk about when he gets home or something like that. we are big huge geeks. this time out i've joined a world-famous gospel choir and am focusing a lot on that. lots to talk to him about in terms of music - i've been a singer my whole life but went into academia instead of performance, so this is the first time we've had "gig" stuff to share.
boldjack Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Once upon a time, there was a young soldier. He was far away from home, doing a horrible , bloody, insane job, in a horrible, bloody, insane war. He had gotten a package from home, it read "Do not open until Christmas ". On Christmas Eve night, he was in a hole in the ground, rapidly filling with water(it was raining buckets) on guard. He covered his head with his poncho and opened his package, it had been Christmas cookies, but was now powder. With the mortars and gunfire surrounding him , he cried and ate every crumb........Dobie, I KNOW what lonely is..... and my heart is with you......Jack
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 I echo owl's statements, but also your husband will be gone why dont you start texting him, I mean damn when's the last time y'all just talked for a little while, communicated, that can be one way of putting back togther your marriage.
Author dobler33 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Once upon a time, there was a young soldier. He was far away from home, doing a horrible , bloody, insane job, in a horrible, bloody, insane war. He had gotten a package from home, it read "Do not open until Christmas ". On Christmas Eve night, he was in a hole in the ground, rapidly filling with water(it was raining buckets) on guard. He covered his head with his poncho and opened his package, it had been Christmas cookies, but was now powder. With the mortars and gunfire surrounding him , he cried and ate every crumb........Dobie, I KNOW what lonely is..... and my heart is with you......Jack oh jack. i just discovered this. i am weeping with gratitude for your gift of this thought to me in my loneliness. thank you. the world is a lot smaller after reading this.
boldjack Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Gidget, loneliness is one of the worst feelings a person can have. Whether it's for home or for someone, it is one of the hardest to come to grips with. I guess I just wanted you to know that you have someone, who cares. This may be the net, but it can and should be human, and humane..:)
Ariadne Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 i'm super sad this morning because my H just left for a 6 week tour. we have been working really hard to rebuild after the EA Sounds like you are afraid to lose him. The lifesaver might take off and leave you after all. The rest, self lies.
Author dobler33 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Gidget, loneliness is one of the worst feelings a person can have. Whether it's for home or for someone, it is one of the hardest to come to grips with. I guess I just wanted you to know that you have someone, who cares. This may be the net, but it can and should be human, and humane..:) thank you again, jack. truly, this lifted me up tonight. Sounds like you are afraid to lose him. The lifesaver might take off and leave you after all. The rest, self lies. hmmmm? i think this might be a dig, but i'm not sure. does "self lies" refer to my feminism? human beings long for connection. that is not something you will ever hear me argue with. whether it is my friend who longs for her wife when she goes on research expeditions, my friend who longs for his boyfriend when he works late at the bar, or my husband as he longs for me in his stark denmark hotel room, we all connect. if you're trying to make this into an anti-feminist thing, ariadne, i would respectfully ask you to refrain.
Ariadne Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 does "self lies" refer to my feminism? That is a word I don't even consider.
Author dobler33 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 That is a word I don't even consider. feminism? yes, i know. i will address this with you on another thread, if you like. i'm still really touched by the kindness and compassion of strangers far away sending me thoughts of love and support. i will be glad to debate issues of feminism on any other thread.
boldjack Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Ariadne, As my granny used to say "sour grapes make bitter wine". Has something happened to make you upset? I, for one,would like to help. Sorry about the t/j, Gidget. But this woman seems angry.
Author dobler33 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Ariadne, As my granny used to say "sour grapes make bitter wine". Has something happened to make you upset? I, for one,would like to help. Sorry about the t/j, Gidget. But this woman seems angry. yeah, she's mad at me cause she posted some kind of bileous propaganda from the 60's about the proper role of a wife with regard to the slavish attention to her husband (slippers and a martini at the door, that kind of crap) on another thread that sparked a big feminist avalanche upon her head. whatevs. sour grapes indeed. i'm not bothered.
Ariadne Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Ariadne, As my granny used to say "sour grapes make bitter wine". Has something happened to make you upset? I, for one,would like to help. Sorry about the t/j, Gidget. But this woman seems angry. I told her my impression from her OP. That's all I have. (Seems like the OP has a fetish with the word feminism for some reason)
Reggie Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 yeah, she's mad at me cause she posted some kind of bileous propaganda from the 60's about the proper role of a wife with regard to the slavish attention to her husband (slippers and a martini at the door, that kind of crap) on another thread that sparked a big feminist avalanche upon her head. whatevs. sour grapes indeed. i'm not bothered. QUite the mean streak, for a therapist.
Author dobler33 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 QUite the mean streak, for a therapist. nope. just expressing myself as a human. being a therapist does not preclude one from having an opinion in one's daily life. did you read that thread, reg? check out "wifely duties". i highly recommend it.
Recommended Posts